N damage: Itentional & Unintentional

[sKePTiKal]

Are you saying... that there is a cost to transfer the trust to another institution? A fee? Wouldn't that fee be paid by the trust itself?

The other issues: OY VEY!! Under the circumstances - surviving a devastating tornado - you shouldn't be expected to drop everything to participate in any kind of conference call and common courtesy would necessitate a rescheduling, at your request - as one of the benefiiciaries. (Bro may not be wholly sane - but the bank people, you should find, will be more accommodating and sympathetic - that is, if they are aware of your circumstances. They are actually feeling human beings; not just faceless corporate bureaucrats.)

[Gaining Strength]

PR - actually it is the bank employees who are being unreasonable - not about the timing but about the release of this trust.

Here is the basic fact - the trust which paid out to my father (which he was given illegal access to the principle - a separate issue) is now small respective to Wells Fargo terms.  When it is split into thirds it bottoms out of their size requirement.  However, they are not at this time willing to release the assets according to the requests of my brothers. (Somehow I was left out of notification until late morning last Wednesday.) 

Yes the trust would pay the fee but that money is money that will be coming to my brothers and me.  The bank wants to pay legal fees to a law firm that charges very high rates.  We know that firm.  It was my maternal grandfather's firm.  It is the largest firm in our state and bears our grandfather's name.  We do not want to incur the legal fees that will come out of our trust.  We simply want the transfer of the trusts to occur without being litigated.  The problem is that the Wells Fargo attorney assigned to our account is not familiar with the law in our state and it is simply easier for her to hire a law firm and charge the costs to us.  That is the point at issue.

So I have the responsibility of finding a financial entity to receive my portion.  I have two days.

[sKePTiKal]

OH JEEZ... good luck, GS...

all that sounds way too familiar to me. I'll splain later...

[Gaining Strength]

I hate that it sounds familiar PR.
Truthfully - this is such small potatoes for me in an emotional way but it is shining the light on some things that are helpful in digging through so I can honestly welcome this process regardless of the outcome. (so she thinks)

[Hopalong]

((((((GS))))))))

I keep thinking of your father as the tornado in your life.
And how strange that it came through so soon after he left.

Wreckage, and hope for community, and for you.

An awful force that opened a new path, so painfully.

love to you,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Oh my heavens Hops - that really connects for me.
thinking maybe I can use that as a metaphor and begin to rebuild with my neighbors but in a different way.

[sKePTiKal]

The image of a tornado is quite accurate and powerful...

one of my first physical clues that helped me get back to Twiggy's story; those memories - was a drawing I did back then while hiding from my mom in my closet (which was an early terror source for me; the monsters lived in my closet - still, it was safer than being around my mom). I had been given a small suitcase complete with a doll and set up to hold doll clothes on hangers. The outside was covered in scraps of wall paper.

In Sharpie, I drew a tornado; helicopters ("incoming!" was just getting starting to get around then) and my brother & I - complete with me flat out; unconscious on the ground and him crying.

That was one of my first clues... I dug out the suitcase and took digital photos; it was part of my "proof & evidence" for myself that what I remembered was REAL; it really did happen and I didn't just dream or imagine it, like my mom insisted in her "big lie". What we experienced that March, FELT just like a tornado had exploded our whole life and nothing but shattered bits & pieces remained.

Then I gave the doll & suitcase to a co-worker's little girl who lost everything in their house in a fire.

[Gaining Strength]

Pr - I feel compelled to respond to let you know that I have read and heard this story but it also leaves me speechless, feeling kicked in the gut.  It is a very rivoting story, evocative of such pain - no words.

[sKePTiKal]

Luv, does it help to know that I'm so used to that pain that I almost don't feel it anymore? (rare occasions - yes; proximity to same old toxic crap - yes). Please don't pain yourself, on my account... I'm so used to it I barely take notice.

It's like having a bum knee and stepping wrong; a reminder to myself that I was injured there... that's what it's like to tell those stories about discovery of "what happened" - and even, in some ways, the current drama-crap. I'm sooooooo weary of it. I would love to not have to deal with it - at all. And I don't - I barely think of these memories anymore. It was just the striking strength & aptness of Hops' image that rang up the re-telling. I retold it, for you... so you know someone ELSE "knows" what's that's like.

[Gaining Strength]

I watched "tangled" with my son last night and wish I had the dialogue to excerpt here bit by bit. 
The movie is an animated musical version of Rapuntzel.
In the movie an evil woman has kidnapped Rapuntzel and hidden her away in a secret tower because Rapuntzel's hair has a special healing power which keeps this crone young. 

She comes to see Rapuntzel frequently expressing love and seemingly to dote on her daughter. 
In an early scene the crone has rapuntzel fetch a hand mirror so the crone can admire her image.  She says something like, "So young, so beautiful, so lovely." And then she glanses over at Rapuntzel and laughs and says - "oh you too!"

The movie is just the thing that I wish we could all watch together and discuss afterward as a group.  There are numerous scenes where the crone tells Rapuntzel how much she loves her but she denies the one thing Rapuntzel longs for and she does it by telling Rapuntzel it is for her own good in the long term when in fact the opposite is true and the crone is denying rapuntzel's wish purely for the crones own desires.

There are several scenes with stunning lines about a N caretaker who is poisoning the mind of the child into believing that that which is against the very needs and best interests of the child are in fact best for her - essentially destroying Rapuntzel's best chances in life.  Of course it all works out for Rapuntzel in the end.  and this woman is NOT her birth mother - that would hardly go over even in fiction but it is a depiction of precisely what some of us here lived though.

I was stunned that Disney could come so close in depicting life in an N family IN A CHILDREN'S MOVIE!!!!

[sKePTiKal]

Grimm's Fairy Tales, GS.... even Mother Goose...

Hansel & Gretl, for another... Rumpelstiltskin... even Snow White... Cinderella...

I do believe these stories were written for children as "teaching stories" - like the Sufi Tales - to illustrate what "emotional abuse" (or physical abuse) can happen in life. There are moral conclusions drawn; heros; resistance; and not all of them have the conventional "happy ending".

[Gaining Strength]

One of the reviews of Tangled mentions how the crone Goethel makes snide, cutting put downs and then laughs and says just joking!  When Rapunzel finally breaks away, in this children's film, she goes through a series of conflicting responses in rapid succession - first reeling in delight and joy and then sobbing in guilt for betraying her mother and then swinging in utter abandon then banging herself in shame and back and forth and back and forth.

Sound familiar to anyone other than me?

[Gaining Strength]

Yes PR you are so right.

This version of Rapunzel is like watching a flip book version of so hidden aspects of my own childhood right there i nfront of the whole world and surprise, surprise, most of the audiences see it but miss it.  As so it was with my life and i suspect that of others with N parents.

While looking for thoughtful reviews or analysis of Tangled i found a sight that is new to me.
http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
Is anyone here familiar with this site?

[Gaining Strength]

My sister-in-law (the one who quit speaking to me days before my father died  [along with my brother] for reasons unknown to me) is from a small town that was leveled by the EF-5 tornado.  By bizarre hapenstance, my sons cubscout pack and the boy scouts and girls scouts in that suburb have selected that town to collect school supplies for their school which was wiped off the earth. 

So my child called his aunt (unaware of her curtain of silence) to tell her what he is participating in.  She was on her way there.  It is a 2 hour drive and I imagine this is not her first trip.

I am wondering if this might engender any shift in her.  Not expecting it and knowing it will not be down to the core but curious none-the-less.

[sKePTiKal]

You know, it's interesting - those old tales also have clear descriptions of how the main character overcomes the adversity in his/her situation. Might be interesting to comtemplate those - as well as the uncanny likenesses of the villains to real-life Ns. Might be a how-to or two, lurking right there in plain sight! (I'd have to go look myself... to confirm.)