Not wanting to help - healthy or selfish?

[BonesMS]

Oh Bones, that sent a shiver down my spine, I really feel that is what my mum has been like since I had my son - I wouldn't let her have control over him or play a major part in his life so she made false allegation after false allegation against me - if she couldn't have him she was going to try and make damn sure I didn't either, or at least that it wouldn't be easy for me.  UNLUCKY LADY!!  NO-ONE MESSES WITH MY BOY!!!!!

On a very much more positive note - I have been practising boundaries

Lady next door to me - screams, shouts and swears at her kids relentlessly - steps outside the front door and is the sweetest, nicest person you could ever meet.  Sound familiar?

It's a nice day today, I was out front doing some gardening, my son is playing outside with a couple of his friends.  She comes out with some greens for the rabbits.  I accept them, say thank you.  She asks if I'm going up the shop this morning.  I am, but I say no.  She says her daughter is sick and she has no bread for lunch.  She cannot go to the shop because her daughter has a tummy bug.  I say that's a shame, I hope her daughter gets better soon.  She asks if I have four slices of bread she can have.  I say no.  She says she has nothing to give her children for lunch.  I say oh dear and carry on with my gardening.

What I see is:  she brings something out for me - she does me a favour so I must do her one.  She plays the sympathy card - her daughter is sick and she can't get to the shop, she has no food for her children.  She has two children, the older one is at school so they walk past the shop to and from school twice a day.  She could have brought bread yesterday.  She had food shopping delivered on Wednesday - I know because she asked if they could leave it with me if she wasn't home in time.  Her daughter has a tummy bug - the shop is only five minutes, it's a nice sunny day, she could put her in the buggy and go to the shop herself, in fact a bit of fresh air would probably do her daughter some good.  She can keep a loaf of bread in the freezer - I know I do.  She has a sister two doors away, she could ask her or her husband to go, or one of their children who are older, or ask one of them to mind the kids whilst she nips up there.

All of that went through my head in a second, but my immediate instinct to her first question was no, even before I knew what she wanted.  I think I might start getting quite good at this if I keep practising!

Good for you!!!!!    ((((((((((((((TwoAPenny))))))))))))))))))))))))  I don't blame you!  You Go, Girl!!!!   

Bones

[lighter]

Whoo boy, lol.

When you catch on, you really catch on, Tupp: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Bones and Lighter!

I did feel guilty about it later on that day!  And when I read what I'd written about her last night I thought "Oh my goodness, I sound just like my mum!"  That shook me a bit.  But then I thought it through again.  If there was an emergency and her daughter needed to get to a doctor or hospital I wouldn't hesitate to help.  Equally if she'd broken her leg and couldn't manage to get to the shop herself I would happily go.  But that wasn't/isn't the situation, so it was okay to refuse.  Still feels a bit like someone else doing it but I guess that will change in time.  It also occured to me that it was a little odd that she was asking me and not her sister.  Her sister is only two doors away and has five children.  If anyone would have food in the house it would be her sister!  So perhaps her sister has put her foot down in the past and that's why she didn't ask her?  Who's to know.  Anyway, I feel okayish about it again now - I feel like my halo has slipped but my T says it's very healthy to accept being average so I am working on that.

Off-line for a few days now so I hope everyone stays in a relatively good place and look forward to catching up with people again soon.  Thanks for your help and support, as always xx

[BonesMS]

Thanks, Bones and Lighter!

I did feel guilty about it later on that day!  And when I read what I'd written about her last night I thought "Oh my goodness, I sound just like my mum!"  That shook me a bit.  But then I thought it through again.  If there was an emergency and her daughter needed to get to a doctor or hospital I wouldn't hesitate to help.  Equally if she'd broken her leg and couldn't manage to get to the shop herself I would happily go.  But that wasn't/isn't the situation, so it was okay to refuse.  Still feels a bit like someone else doing it but I guess that will change in time.  It also occured to me that it was a little odd that she was asking me and not her sister.  Her sister is only two doors away and has five children.  If anyone would have food in the house it would be her sister!  So perhaps her sister has put her foot down in the past and that's why she didn't ask her?  Who's to know.  Anyway, I feel okayish about it again now - I feel like my halo has slipped but my T says it's very healthy to accept being average so I am working on that.

Off-line for a few days now so I hope everyone stays in a relatively good place and look forward to catching up with people again soon.  Thanks for your help and support, as always xx

((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I also got the sense that this neighbor's sister, who lives two doors away, put her foot down because this individual tends to USE people for her own convenience but will NEVER reciprocate.  How much you want to bet that when the sister asked for help, when she desperately NEEDED help, this individual couldn't be bothered because it was INCONVENIENT to her "royal" self.  (Sounds like a combination of NDoofus and my NAcquaintance grandmother to me!  Just my perception, for what it's worth.)  You are so right to keep this neighbor "at arm's length" as her attempts to "guilt-trip" you were so transparent!  If she can attempt to manipulate you to become her doormat, who knows what else she's capable of?

Bones

[lighter]

Have fun, Tupp.

See you when you get back: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thank you both   We're away having some tests done for my son, who has special needs, and have had some good news   You may remember that my mum has caused a lot of trouble for me over the years by claiming I'd abused and neglected my son and that had caused his problems.  Well, the assessments he's had done this week have proved that wasn't true.  Obviously I knew it wasn't true anyway and those close to me - real friends - knew it wasn't, but it was really nice to have someone official 'prove' it as well - it's not just my word against hers anymore.  Feels strange.  Like a cloud is finally lifting - like I was having to hold it up in order to carry on but now it's just drifting away on its own.  Can't really describe it very well - don't feel elated or massively excited - don't even feel the need to bother telling anyone.  Just feel a bit safer and a bit more secure than I used to.  Knowledge is power and all that! xx

[lighter]

I know Tupp.

It's terrible when people, who should be protecting and helping you, sabotage you (and your child) bc they feel threatened by you, or want an innapropriate relationship that's not in your best interest, so you step back.

I don't think they understand what they do.

Just knowing the truth for yourself, helps.

Lighter

[BonesMS]

Thank you both   We're away having some tests done for my son, who has special needs, and have had some good news   You may remember that my mum has caused a lot of trouble for me over the years by claiming I'd abused and neglected my son and that had caused his problems.  Well, the assessments he's had done this week have proved that wasn't true.  Obviously I knew it wasn't true anyway and those close to me - real friends - knew it wasn't, but it was really nice to have someone official 'prove' it as well - it's not just my word against hers anymore.  Feels strange.  Like a cloud is finally lifting - like I was having to hold it up in order to carry on but now it's just drifting away on its own.  Can't really describe it very well - don't feel elated or massively excited - don't even feel the need to bother telling anyone.  Just feel a bit safer and a bit more secure than I used to.  Knowledge is power and all that! xx

(((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

Validation confirms what you know to be real, Penny... your reality.

When someone close to you (or someone who should be close to you) decides that reality is something very, very different (usually calculated to make you appear crazy or very bad)... it's painful, unfair, unjust, infuriating and often impossible to understand.

Validation of this kind sort of takes away self-doubt... helps build confidence... trust in oneself and feels like a kind of relief that "all is right with the world, after all" and that you've got your own proper place in it.

[Hopalong]

Tupp,

I do understand.

I was massively relieved when a judge, an independent auditor, and 3 character witnesses testified that my sociopath-brother's accusations of me harming my mother were, essentially, groundless, baseless, malicious BULLSHIT.

Particularly when what I HAD done for over 10 years was carry--alone--the profound burden of caring for her at the cost of my own health, my career, and my wellbeing. And had done so with compassion, dedication, and patience.

I wanted to rent a billboard by the highway.

But I also was so exhausted that the aftermath, while validating, didn't sort it out.

I do understand. And I'm glad for you about the report...

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops I'm sorry you went through that too, especially when you were doing so much for your mum.  It's funny but I don't even care about 'proving' to those who believed her that she was lying.  I think I realised a long time ago that the only people who believed her were people that didn't really know me - many of whom were family! -  whilst my friends and sister dismissed her claims as nonsense straight away.  But it's still nice to know I've got proof just in case I ever need it again.

Hi Phoenix   She has created a different reality.  I think my T has really helped me to believe in myself and to realise that my life is my reality and what my mum does is about her, not me.  She is welcome to her reality!  I like mine better

Lighter, I often wonder if she was jealous?  She wanted me to be a bad mum, and I wasn't.  I was a lot better than she was, and I think she could see that early on.  My boy was always over the moon to see me if I left him with her - or anyone else - and he always preferred being with me to anyone else.  I don't think she liked that?  He was a really happy, smiley, confident child, even as a young baby.  My sister and I were always really serious and solemn as kids, really quiet and insular.  He was like a little moon beam and I always wonder if she just resented that.  Weird!!

Thank you Bones ((((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))

[BonesMS]

You're welcome,  ((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))