I so felt the same way re my socioNbro.
Unfortunately, in my case it went so far it had to be a judge's remark. But that moment showed me for the first time that my brother had been unveiled and the lifelong tide had begun to turn. Regardless of the trauma and thousand$ and anguished (uncecessary) massive labor of defensive documentation and frequent mini-PTSD episodes, it was a watershed when I heard the judge say to him in the courtroom: "I see no evidence whatsoever to support your accusations..." and (with an incredulous look): "You mean, you plan to stay in the house against your sister's wishes, even though there is no relationship between you? No. I will not allow it. That is her home."
The second major validating moment, which on bad days I might dismiss as "too little, too late" but which truly I can't dismiss and am massively grateful for because it was THAT healing, was when my mother, at 98, in a lucid moment, acknowledged to me that she knew that my brother had been hurting me throughout my childhood. When she heard my one-minute summary of what he'd been doing currently: "What is WRONG with that boy? You don't DO that to your sister!" (It took the extremis of him trying to have me arrested, accusing me to everyone he could bray to of abusing and defrauding her. She knew utterly that it was completely false. Her denial evaporated and in that moment, I knew there was love for me in her, that she was not truly wishing me ill -- just distorted and confused and jerked around inside herself by forces I could not comprehend firsthand -- and it was over. I forgave her and have a final memory of truth between us.)
I felt some guilt for even telling her, but it had weighed on me so heavily, to keep up the nurturing daily visits to her and keep on tending her and not let her know a word of what I was going through with him...that that day, I just said it. Simply. In hindsight, I am glad. I even said that day, "Mom, I feel guilty for even telling you this has happened." She responded, "I am not sorry you told me! I need to know about these things!" Which I was touched by as well. Within a few days, her dementia suggested that it was gone, but she had been present to me enough to validate me.
She wasn't capable of "needing to know" or protecting me appropriately during her life--for all sorts of reasons she probably didn't understand herself--but at the end of it, she showed the most genuine caring she possibly could have. It literally was the best she had and I took it as such. For me, in the long view, it was enough.
I feel exasperated with her ghost now, now and then, as I go through the uncertainties her choices could have spared me (without his manipulation co-mingling with her own) ... and briefly feel moments of anger. But it's unsustainable.
I can't express how grateful I am for experiencing validation. For having been heard.
I so understand how meaningful it can be.
xo
Hops
