You can always rely on Mum!!

[lighter]

Tupp:

Sounds like you're level, and doing everything possible to protect yourself in the future.

As you guys say....

Stay calm, and carry on: )
(((Tupp)))
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thank you Lighter and Bonesie:)

Just thought I would update quickly; step-sister's mum's funeral was yesterday, my sis has coped really well over the last couple of weeks and I am really proud of her.  Step-dad asked social workers if he could 'look after' step- brother's money and was told, again, no   Good!  My mum called step-brother the night before funeral crying saying no-one had told her when or where it was.  She hated his mum, she used to hide from her if she saw her in the shop, she's never done anything but be vitriolic and abusive about her.  She claims to have no idea when the funeral is being held but just happens to ring the night before - coincidence, huh?!  And funny how she, step-dad and my sister (GC) were all phoning my sis, her three kids and going to her place of work at the beginning but suddenly none of them can call or send a text to ask about funeral arrangements?

It's weird but I am starting to see my mum as being mentally ill now.  I know that sounds silly but in the past I've thought it's 'like' she's got NPD, now it feels like she really genuinely has got it?  Maybe I'm just starting to see myself separately to her now, I don't know.  Anyway, it's all over now, life should get back to normal and the sun is shining this morning

[Nonameanymore]

Hey TaP, Jeez, you are dealing with some pretty weird family dynamics there!
I am glad you're feeling positive that it's all over now, done and dusted and that you can move on
xx

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

Tupp:

Isn't it nice to feel the sun on your face, smell the air and notice you're happy again?

(((())))

BTW, I think we use the term N for lots of different PD's. 

It wasn't helpful for me to get stuck on that dx at all.

Better to think in terms of PD, as opposed to N, since we really don't know. 

Your mother could be a sociopath with N features, or Borderline Personality Disorder, or N. 

I think making assumptions sometimes keeps us confused,  in some cases.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter makes a good point; I think my mom's closer to BPD than N - sometimes. Maybe it's all under the umbrella of clinically depressed, too. We use N here, overmuch, as a shorthand for - Personality Disorder or just plain old crazy and abusive.

And for me, searching for a diagnosis for mum, means less time, energy and headspace to help you heal and recover! We'll just call her the crazy old rabid bat and be done with it!   

I hear ya about the "realness" of her being mentally ill, too. About how that feels. There is absolutely nothing like this kind of validation for instantly evaporating the cobwebs, the uncertainty, the doubt. Somehow, having that validation makes the ground under one's feet feel a hell of a lot more solid... and you can finally feel the earth energy through the soles your feet again; no longer in limbo. It helps the healing process a LOT.

Last week, my main contact with my advisory team observed that my bro's behavior appears to only have the motive of punishing and controlling me (at his own expense, even). I could've kissed him for getting it so clearly!!!! (hee hee! He's a good 25 years younger than me.)

[lighter]

Last week, my main contact with my advisory team observed that my bro's behavior appears to only have the motive of punishing and controlling me (at his own expense, even). I could've kissed him for getting it so clearly!!!! (hee hee! He's a good 25 years younger than me.)

Wow, Amber.

I bet that felt like opening a dark stinky closet, and letting sunshine in: )

Light

[sKePTiKal]

Yes it did feel like that!

And it also felt like: well, it's ABOUT TIME someone heard me!!  (Hubs is still trying to find some rational explanation... for insanity... he'll come around eventually.)

[Hopalong]

I so felt the same way re my socioNbro.

Unfortunately, in my case it went so far it had to be a judge's remark. But that moment showed me for the first time that my brother had been unveiled and the lifelong tide had begun to turn. Regardless of the trauma and thousand$ and anguished (uncecessary) massive labor of defensive documentation and frequent mini-PTSD episodes, it was a watershed when I heard the judge say to him in the courtroom: "I see no evidence whatsoever to support your accusations..." and (with an incredulous look): "You mean, you plan to stay in the house against your sister's wishes, even though there is no relationship between you? No. I will not allow it. That is her home."

The second major validating moment, which on bad days I might dismiss as "too little, too late" but which truly I can't dismiss and am massively grateful for because it was THAT healing, was when my mother, at 98, in a lucid moment, acknowledged to me that she knew that my brother had been hurting me throughout my childhood. When she heard my one-minute summary of what he'd been doing currently: "What is WRONG with that boy? You don't DO that to your sister!" (It took the extremis of him trying to have me arrested, accusing me to everyone he could bray to of abusing and defrauding her. She knew utterly that it was completely false. Her denial evaporated and in that moment, I knew there was love for me in her, that she was not truly wishing me ill -- just distorted and confused and jerked around inside herself by forces I could not comprehend firsthand -- and it was over. I forgave her and have a final memory of truth between us.)

I felt some guilt for even telling her, but it had weighed on me so heavily, to keep up the nurturing daily visits to her and keep on tending her and not let her know a word of what I was going through with him...that that day, I just said it. Simply. In hindsight, I am glad. I even said that day, "Mom, I feel guilty for even telling you this has happened." She responded, "I am not sorry you told me! I need to know about these things!" Which I was touched by as well. Within a few days, her dementia suggested that it was gone, but she had been present to me enough to validate me.

She wasn't capable of "needing to know" or protecting me appropriately during her life--for all sorts of reasons she probably didn't understand herself--but at the end of it, she showed the most genuine caring she possibly could have. It literally was the best she had and I took it as such. For me, in the long view, it was enough.

I feel exasperated with her ghost now, now and then, as I go through the uncertainties her choices could have spared me (without his manipulation co-mingling with her own) ... and briefly feel moments of anger. But it's unsustainable.

I can't express how grateful I am for experiencing validation. For having been heard.

I so understand how meaningful it can be.

xo
Hops