Author Topic: Finally! An answer...  (Read 6630 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: Finally! An answer...
« Reply #30 on: May 08, 2011, 10:57:57 AM »
Happy Mother's Day you all...

wanted to share some of the results of our convo here and my Twigs & me discussion. You have all significantly contributed to pushing that along! THANK YOU.

Now, if I can just say it "right" so it makes sense. Coherent, you know?

My highest stress levels are almost always due to either a cognitive dissonance experience (like MomBro) or when I'm listening to advice that insists I need to turn off emotion; ignore my intense feelings; and turn myself into a computer-brained automaton... because I mis-interpret what this advice means and simply can't communicate (except with you all) the process I'm going through without taking the risk of being told that what I feel - and therefore "I" - don't matter... thanks to the first item: MomBro.

Got that? This is the starting point. So, Twigs... while we've integrated quite a lot... there is still some break-out separation, at least emotionally. I don't want to own all Twigs' old anger anymore; the opportunity to express that and do something about it is long past. And I sure as hell don't need her angry at me... compulsively seeking out the sabotaging old coping patterns from the past, either. As fierce and angry and strong and furiously fast as Twigs is - she has a marshmallow heart; it's all soft & squishy & gooey & melty. She was humiliated and even punished for being a marshmallow; it's how she gets sucked into the MomBro dance, too. It's because she does really CARE and it's beyond her comprehension that the MomBro DOESN'T... but not being encouraged to care about herself back then - to instead, become roadkill on the relationship highway - and then in classic Pavlovian style, conditioned and programmed to believe that her survival depended on the continuance of this perverse state of affairs; this family dynamic.

<deep breath...>

This past week, while I struggled to make myself wade though pages and pages of complicated business numbers for one last attempt to propose a rational, equitable solution to Bro without my poor head spinning (and still not having much success yet)... before enforcing my rights... it finally got through to my attention, that our old, inherited from D, mommy-queen of the house - kitty needed help. I'd been aware that she was drinking & peeing a lot for a while and not overly neat (as is her habit) in the litter box. And then I heard her claws clicking across the tile - picked her up - and there were concrete hard clumps of kitty litter stuck to all 4 paws. I soaked most of that off in the tub, much to her dismay... sent hubs for old fashioned clay litter to change the box to... opened up some canned food for her... and thought that was that; she'd start getting better. She's at least 18.

She nibbled at food the first day and her paws were still tender, so we figured the sleeping all day was her recovery method. Well, long story short, she's slowly fading out. Yesterday she made the effort to go visit all her other hangouts in the house - even getting up on the bed, which is no small feat. But we only noticed one visit to the water bowl and box area; she's not got control anymore over kidney/bladder... so we've parked her in her kitty bed with fresh catnip toys on the couch. She's always hung out where ever we are. Can barely lift her head today - refused all food yesterday, including fresh chicken, bacon, and even milk - and seems to be aware of where she is, when we pet her. And she's always been a talker... so we get a plaintive moaoow from her. She doesn't seem to be in pain at all - but she sure doesn't feel good!! I'm having a hard time deciding whether to let her slide away from us, at home where she's at least comfy and fawned over... or take her to the vet tomorrow.

At least hubs isn't chiding me for the eye-leakage I'm going through; he's been at the kleenex box himself a few times. And the plain old helpless - out of my control facts of her condition - grief & caring & not being able to help, just takes all the anger out of Twigs. Except she's not letting go of, not letting me ignore, not giving me a pass....... on standing up for myself, taking care of myself, asserting my rights. I've decided to let her make that point and stand her ground, on that.

The new piece in all this... is that Twigs herself is realizing that her time; the time for all that anger is long past. We missed our opportunity. And the current decisions I'm working through have absolutely nothing to do with that; that's all here & now stuff and it's all business - not personal.

Just like you won't catch me in the short-short skirts & 4 inch platform shoes that Twigs favored back then, these days - the part of my identity that includes Twigs' search for justice, constant validation of "see - they are as bad as I said they were"... and trying one last time for a miracle change in MomBro... that part of me, I need to say adieu with. I will forever carry the message of what her anger was all about; I will forever have built-in radar for boundary issues and manipulation and passive-aggressiveness; and Twig's message to me - about standing up for myself; caring about and protecting myself from relational roadkill - is now something that's passed from her to me. She no longer has any reason to vent her anger on me, any more. She knows I care about HER... so we've got each other's back. She can "stand down" in the current business decisions; I've already reassured her about the personal ones.

So... it's time to head on over to the training thread. Twigs always wakes up when the stress level go nuclear; particularly emotional stress. She's really not always angry; but she is a by-god force of nature! LOL... a force to be reckoned with, for me. Dealing with stress; dealing with Twigs... and making it all work together... is what the main goal of the training is all about.

Hops - I know I resisted your advice, and I do apologize. You were spot-on right about the grieving. The existential, experiential way I process things was having a hissy fit over - "I want to do this myself". Its simply not possible for one to it by themselves, really. It takes a lot of outside suggestions, viewpoints, ideas, and patience... to see things differently. And communicating! Once I began communicating with hubs about this - not trying to "protect" him from Twigs and her anger - a lot of the internal steam-pressure started going down. I hadn't said much... because I don't like being told "it's not that bad" (yes, it is)... or being told that my feelings aren't important in a situation (well, yes they are - but "being" the feeling isn't always helpful; that was his point and I wasn't hearing that part of it). I told him, I felt like he didn't believe me... and he's not truly convinced. I can accept that and make one last attempt at reasoning with bro... because I know that if not successful - hubs will be back to back with me, with his sword drawn. Hubs doesn't have to work through all the old FOO & emotional crap, either... no loyalty issues there, for him... and he's very protective of me. He hates it when I shrink down within myself to try to work through - and suffer alone - crap like this. He goes through the helplessness, out of his control grief, too. Because he does care, ya know?

Thank you... to all my adopted moms here!
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Finally! An answer...
« Reply #31 on: May 09, 2011, 05:37:25 AM »
((((((((((((PR)))))))))))))

vet

xxoo

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Finally! An answer...
« Reply #32 on: May 09, 2011, 07:07:24 AM »
Hops - our peaceful kitty is now chasing mousies to her heart's content and will get a patch o' catnip planted over her today. She took her time, just falling asleep yesterday; no pain. And her understudy - my parking lot feral baby that I picked up a couple years ago - took the mommy-kitties place last night as "medicinal (comforting) belly kitty". I was willing to forego the vet, as long as she was comfortable and cozy - she always insisted on being somewhere close to us; we were her "retirement home" and was very attached to hubs... the ONLY male she tolerated.

tt- I'll probably go back & forth between the threads... keeping the emotional processing & reflection here... and start getting specific about my plan for my SELf... over on the training thread.

LOOK... I appreciate everyone's concern; I realize the business stuff isn't a DIY project and I don't have the background to "play" at this level without a whole lotta help. I have that whole lotta help. I just don't want to get any more detailed about it on the main board. The last thing I want to have happen is that something inadvertantly signals my intention to my bro... or SIL... or anyone connected.

When all is said & done... at the end of the story; however it turns out... this is still a story that's more about shifting the focus away from them... to me... and crawling out from "under" the old roles, taboos, and stopping the self-sabotage once and for all. About fixing me. Metamorphosis.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

teartracks

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Re: Finally! An answer...
« Reply #33 on: May 09, 2011, 05:35:58 PM »




(((((((((((((PR)))))))))))))

Love your can do spirit.  You are so capable.   :)  I need not to be redundant! :lol:

tt



sKePTiKal

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Re: Finally! An answer...
« Reply #34 on: May 10, 2011, 08:07:14 AM »
S'OK, tt...

I really do appreciate everyone's concern and advice and cautions - crowd-sourcing ideas, experience & wisdom makes so much sense to me, as long as individually we still make our own personal choices. Fortunately, I feel a sense of competency in business decisions (but that still doesn't make me an expert) - even though the finer points of finance and taxes and legal matters still confuses me: did "they" who developed those systems realize that the contradictions, exclusions, etc are really really close to gaslighting???? [OK, I just feel that way sometimes. It didn't happen intentionally, on purpose... HEY WAIT... maybe it should have...maybe that's what confuses me]

I don't want to push anyone or their advice - or observations - away. I think on this track - which parallels the training track - I've finally found those "brass tacks" that people claim to be getting down to. The one puzzle piece that's stymied me all along, that I've found pleasant diversions to avoid dealing with; looking at; and DOING something about.

That's my feeling of entitlement to add neglect, physical abuse of my body, and an intense attachment to various forms of escapism on top of the real suffering I go through - whether past or present; mostly past with a lot of ghosts, echos, reflections... whatever you want to call them... reminders... triggers... in the present moment. It seems I have no trouble "claiming" this coping strategy... in fact, it seems to have a life of it's own sometimes. Out of my control - seemingly, but not really. Or else, I may have made the existence of this negative entitlement dependent - contingent - on something that ranks right up on the possibility scale with pigs flying.... i.e., getting my FOO to notice and care enough to even try to listen.

Well, that flopped - I could be 3 sheets to the wind and even driving... and my mom didn't say a word. When she found out I was smoking... the comment was: well, it could be worse. Nope; no matter how self-destructive, self-sabotaging I felt entitled to be... NOTHING got her attention focused on me. And some of the habits were even projected from her to me... but truly, I can't lay the whole sack o' stinkin blame at her feet. Part of me hoped that by externalizing my pain and suffering this way... some nice saintly person would come along and try to help. (The smoke-signal SOS...) And some have... but this craving to self-destroy, while I've got it tamped down pretty good these days... seems insatiable and threatens to erupt like Krackatoa, when I'm being stressed - and can't even take a moment to decide for myself what it is I really want & need. (Maybe I can train myself to take a time out when I need it???)

To paraphrase Larry the Cable Guy: that right there is a boundary issue. It may be the MAIN boundary issue I deal with the most, the most frequently. It's also the message that got lost in voicelessness - when Twigs disappeared - and it needs to be acknowledged; her temper tantrum accepted; and then guided into more positive, self-affirming (instead of denying) channels. It needs parenting, in other words. Guidance, limitations, validation and empowerment etc.

I have been totally mystified about how I can learn so much: about nutrition, tai chi for instance -- and then totally not be able to practice any of it... because my attachment to the old self-abuse strategy only got stronger (and more cruel) and the resistance more subversive and unconscious even - contrarian - almost perceptibly working against me...

... and I'm thinking it's partly displaced anger. Twigs has been blamed for just about everything at one time or another (she feels)... including being a victim herself... blamed and pushed away for having needs; shoved in a drawer and told she'd have to wait till later to be dealt with; helped. She needed a ton o' parenting in that era - and the little she got, she got outside of the FOO; it felt like scrounging for scraps that were someone's extra and thrown away. Feral cat style...

and when she expressed anger at the real source of the lack of parenting - Nmom - she got snuffed out of existence or at least, shoved so far into unconsciousness... that I didn't make sense to myself. I could not explain - and it's still problematic - how & why I do this crap. Anger at mom was simply not allowed; it hurt her; it didn't deserve any attention and I could run in the streets naked and set myself on fire... and no one else would care; would be able to come in and change that.

Anger at mom > turned into being shunned | abandonment | exile | appearance of non-existence through becoming unconscious. In other words, a death. Except for... the unconscious impulses and compulsions... to hurt myself; neglect myself... that is/was the only power she had... like some disembodied spirit operating just below normal perception; a ghost or poltergeist.

And the only person it could impact - was me. With a vengence, I might add. Spite, malice, and dedication. Incredible naivete, given my experiences & education... unbelievable stupidity (it's the only word that fits)... and being completely oblivious to the obvious... those were some of the weapons she used to increase suffering. Not the only ones, either. She made use of her flamboyance, dramatic sense, and high threshold for pain.... LOOK HOW MUCH I SUFFER!!!!

[Jeez. That's embarasssing.]

And she felt completely entitled to this war... wrecking all the attempts at "good" I made in my life... because of the amount of pain and suffering she has endured (until I began talking to, soothing, comforting... etc... her). Yes, it was gawd awful... but by now, she knows she's not going to show up on any list as having suffered the most of anyone, anywhere, any time. She knows it felt that way, because she was truly so alone. And I think she's sorry... I think she's gathering up the cohones to direct her anger out to the source of it, instead of at me... and to let old anger, which isn't ever going to be assuaged at this point - to let it go.

The second part was total, all-consuming fear. Paralyzing fear of experiencing yet again that push of parts of me, into unconsciousness. Of finding out, that yep; mom was right... no one cares... not one single person anywhere... what I do to myself. Especially her. Sorry, she's gotta find a home for that 50 year old Stetson beaver hat... I wouldn't want it, would I? NO; I don't want your f'in hat mom...

I think Twigs understands now, that being denied the emotional boundary of being angry - and angry with good reason; having those reasons denied - that "condition" of existence has changed for me and now, for her also. But justice, recompense, apologies??? She's going to have to let that go, turn her back on that failed quest, and go do something else. The fear - well - OK, I validate for her, that what she's afraid of is real... I'm sorry she had to go through that... but it's just not very likely or probable that it's going to happen again. I am no longer a child... and much as I don't like having to make difficult and emotional choices: I can do it. And in doing so... make things more comfortable for Twigs.

And I can explain to Twigs - that there's a big difference between empathy and throwing herself under a bus, in an attempt to try to force a properly balanced relationship onto someone who is just not interested. That this is purely self-destructive; won't work; silly - no matter how well-intentioned. Twigs is very, very strong - I know she can turn that strength to something that's more nurturing, more positive, more beneficial than this "last resort" she's chosen out of desperation at hoping to be "seen" and "heard" - and cared for. After all - I care.

So maybe the training thread is all about practicing boundaries... and stress management. Knowing what my stressors are and structuring a framework that become a routine; habits that can help me recognize that yep, stress again is happening and I need to feel entitled to positive self-care... instead of the old crap that doesn't work, and just makes things worse. Getting strong enough within the boundaries... having clearly defined ones (in my own mind)... getting the emotional stamina to see difficult things through to conclusion, by restricting - setting limits on those things that are counter-productive - and increasing the positive self-care enough, and practiced daily, until it feels "natural" and a real part of me. Sort of like what should've happened with Twigs during Twig's era (when she was 12-18) - but didn't.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.