S'OK, tt...
I really do appreciate everyone's concern and advice and cautions - crowd-sourcing ideas, experience & wisdom makes so much sense to me, as long as individually we still make our own personal choices. Fortunately, I feel a sense of competency in business decisions (but that still doesn't make me an expert) - even though the finer points of finance and taxes and legal matters still confuses me: did "they" who developed those systems realize that the contradictions, exclusions, etc are really really close to gaslighting???? [OK, I just feel that way sometimes. It didn't happen intentionally, on purpose... HEY WAIT... maybe it should have...maybe that's what confuses me]
I don't want to push anyone or their advice - or observations - away. I think on this track - which parallels the training track - I've finally found those "brass tacks" that people claim to be getting down to. The one puzzle piece that's stymied me all along, that I've found pleasant diversions to avoid dealing with; looking at; and DOING something about.
That's my feeling of entitlement to add neglect, physical abuse of my body, and an intense attachment to various forms of escapism on top of the real suffering I go through - whether past or present; mostly past with a lot of ghosts, echos, reflections... whatever you want to call them... reminders... triggers... in the present moment. It seems I have no trouble "claiming" this coping strategy... in fact, it seems to have a life of it's own sometimes. Out of my control - seemingly, but not really. Or else, I may have made the existence of this negative entitlement dependent - contingent - on something that ranks right up on the possibility scale with pigs flying.... i.e., getting my FOO to notice and care enough to even try to listen.
Well, that flopped - I could be 3 sheets to the wind and even driving... and my mom didn't say a word. When she found out I was smoking... the comment was: well, it could be worse. Nope; no matter how self-destructive, self-sabotaging I felt entitled to be... NOTHING got her attention focused on me. And some of the habits were even projected from her to me... but truly, I can't lay the whole sack o' stinkin blame at her feet. Part of me hoped that by externalizing my pain and suffering this way... some nice saintly person would come along and try to help. (The smoke-signal SOS...) And some have... but this craving to self-destroy, while I've got it tamped down pretty good these days... seems insatiable and threatens to erupt like Krackatoa, when I'm being stressed - and can't even take a moment to decide for myself what it is I really want & need. (Maybe I can train myself to take a time out when I need it???)
To paraphrase Larry the Cable Guy: that right there is a boundary issue. It may be the MAIN boundary issue I deal with the most, the most frequently. It's also the message that got lost in voicelessness - when Twigs disappeared - and it needs to be acknowledged; her temper tantrum accepted; and then guided into more positive, self-affirming (instead of denying) channels. It needs parenting, in other words. Guidance, limitations, validation and empowerment etc.
I have been totally mystified about how I can learn so much: about nutrition, tai chi for instance -- and then totally not be able to practice any of it... because my attachment to the old self-abuse strategy only got stronger (and more cruel) and the resistance more subversive and unconscious even - contrarian - almost perceptibly working against me...
... and I'm thinking it's partly displaced anger. Twigs has been blamed for just about everything at one time or another (she feels)... including being a victim herself... blamed and pushed away for having needs; shoved in a drawer and told she'd have to wait till later to be dealt with; helped. She needed a ton o' parenting in that era - and the little she got, she got outside of the FOO; it felt like scrounging for scraps that were someone's extra and thrown away. Feral cat style...
and when she expressed anger at the real source of the lack of parenting - Nmom - she got snuffed out of existence or at least, shoved so far into unconsciousness... that I didn't make sense to myself. I could not explain - and it's still problematic - how & why I do this crap. Anger at mom was simply not allowed; it hurt her; it didn't deserve any attention and I could run in the streets naked and set myself on fire... and no one else would care; would be able to come in and change that.
Anger at mom > turned into being shunned | abandonment | exile | appearance of non-existence through becoming unconscious. In other words, a death. Except for... the unconscious impulses and compulsions... to hurt myself; neglect myself... that is/was the only power she had... like some disembodied spirit operating just below normal perception; a ghost or poltergeist.
And the only person it could impact - was me. With a vengence, I might add. Spite, malice, and dedication. Incredible naivete, given my experiences & education... unbelievable stupidity (it's the only word that fits)... and being completely oblivious to the obvious... those were some of the weapons she used to increase suffering. Not the only ones, either. She made use of her flamboyance, dramatic sense, and high threshold for pain.... LOOK HOW MUCH I SUFFER!!!!
[Jeez. That's embarasssing.]
And she felt completely entitled to this war... wrecking all the attempts at "good" I made in my life... because of the amount of pain and suffering she has endured (until I began talking to, soothing, comforting... etc... her). Yes, it was gawd awful... but by now, she knows she's not going to show up on any list as having suffered the most of anyone, anywhere, any time. She knows it felt that way, because she was truly so alone. And I think she's sorry... I think she's gathering up the cohones to direct her anger out to the source of it, instead of at me... and to let old anger, which isn't ever going to be assuaged at this point - to let it go.
The second part was total, all-consuming fear. Paralyzing fear of experiencing yet again that push of parts of me, into unconsciousness. Of finding out, that yep; mom was right... no one cares... not one single person anywhere... what I do to myself. Especially her. Sorry, she's gotta find a home for that 50 year old Stetson beaver hat... I wouldn't want it, would I? NO; I don't want your f'in hat mom...
I think Twigs understands now, that being denied the emotional boundary of being angry - and angry with good reason; having those reasons denied - that "condition" of existence has changed for me and now, for her also. But justice, recompense, apologies??? She's going to have to let that go, turn her back on that failed quest, and go do something else. The fear - well - OK, I validate for her, that what she's afraid of is real... I'm sorry she had to go through that... but it's just not very likely or probable that it's going to happen again. I am no longer a child... and much as I don't like having to make difficult and emotional choices: I can do it. And in doing so... make things more comfortable for Twigs.
And I can explain to Twigs - that there's a big difference between empathy and throwing herself under a bus, in an attempt to try to force a properly balanced relationship onto someone who is just not interested. That this is purely self-destructive; won't work; silly - no matter how well-intentioned. Twigs is very, very strong - I know she can turn that strength to something that's more nurturing, more positive, more beneficial than this "last resort" she's chosen out of desperation at hoping to be "seen" and "heard" - and cared for. After all - I care.
So maybe the training thread is all about practicing boundaries... and stress management. Knowing what my stressors are and structuring a framework that become a routine; habits that can help me recognize that yep, stress again is happening and I need to feel entitled to positive self-care... instead of the old crap that doesn't work, and just makes things worse. Getting strong enough within the boundaries... having clearly defined ones (in my own mind)... getting the emotional stamina to see difficult things through to conclusion, by restricting - setting limits on those things that are counter-productive - and increasing the positive self-care enough, and practiced daily, until it feels "natural" and a real part of me. Sort of like what should've happened with Twigs during Twig's era (when she was 12-18) - but didn't.
