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Mothering Again, con't.

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lighter:
Well, Hops....

manning the battlements proactively is such a great idea.

I hope you patch things up with your walking mate, provided that relationship lifts you up.

Last I read an update for you on SAD, the lights were something you didn't feel safe about. 

Does regular sunshine give the same benefits, or better?

Lighter

Hopalong:
Yup, walkmate and I patched up.

SAD lights make sense but I'm still wary because of not wanting cataracts, and the research on them is still short term. Regular sunshine definitely helps, particularly right after dawn, but it's not as potent.

Today I worked at home, which I interpret very loosely, so had a lovely 2 hours with pooch at a cafe downtown, and was way more productive on my laptop than I am in the office. (There, noise, phones, office cross talk and deliveries break my stride over and over...typical of the ADD brain.)

I have permission to do that 2xmonth and must schedule it regularly. I'm going to pitch to have one "WAH" day/week next year.

Hops

Hopalong:
[editing in an afterthought: I know this is sounding like such a huge and probably
stupid drama. But the little question I wind up with--the cell phone payment--just
keeps bothering me. Both because of the hurt of it being taken for granted while
she continues to be hostile--and because I'm genuinely torn because of also wishing
to keep on silently helping her, and yet because others point out it's a form of
enabling her to continue to be in partial denial about the seriousness of her
circumstances and how she needs to get some sort of ANY humble job in order
to take care of herself and stop conning and manipulating others to do it for her...
and because she's genuinely ill and therefore maybe I should subsidize her (small
as it is) even when she's cold and abusive...because she's ill. It's the mix of legitimate
handicap from illness PLUS my slow acceptance that she's also very manipulative and, in
a word--mean--that leave me in a state of deep confusion about what to do. She's 33.

I really, really will appreciate ADVICE and others' thoughts, truly. Don't know
which will fit or which I'd follow but if you are able to think it through a bit with me
I'd be extremely grateful. And do not worry if you have nothing to say or your thoughts
are brief...I have taken a very overlong and rambling narrative to ask what might be a
fairly simple question. It just seems complex to me. THANKS in advance...love-Hops]

Well, hell. Just want to sum up another moment of...something...about my D.
Her stepmom has been emailing with me and sharing brief bits of info about her
now and then (my D got hostile and nasty with her too, so she got tired of obeying
my D's "you may not speak to my mother either" rule and decided to share). I
am beyond grateful for that, as she's the only other person who knows D personally.
And she blew me away by writing that she "loves me like a sister" and is absolutely
NOT okay with how D has treated me. That has been a huge comfort. Though I
told her I urgently hope my D does stay in touch with her...long as stepmom
can handle it.

Anyway, her latest communication was that she thinks my D is worse, devolving,
can't even finish a thought on the phone before bounding to another etc. Very
bad ADD (not to mention the bipolar). And though I'd thought D was getting
SOME regular care, the "free samples meds" she was getting from a doctor
keep running out and she can't afford any. So that means she is NOT under
adequate care, which obviously makes everything worse.

Living wise, her situation is that she's living rent free in the basement of a kind
friend from college, a 400-pound computer guy, who likes her although there's
been conflict about her eating up his food. Sounds to me as though she's been
largely living off him. This month she's had a housesitting/babysitting job
which stepmom said my D was upbeat about. Or at least sounded that way
on FB. Stepmom also mentioned that a year ago my D had posted something
like, "I can't understand how people go through all the steps to getting a job
interview and getting a job, etc.". She is still unemployed. Has talked her
half-brother into paying half the Miami storage unit (their father's things
are part of what she stored) so stepmom said, "I guess she doesn't have
to earn more than $25 a month so I don't think she's very motivated." My
D has had (and may still have) food stamps.

Anyhow, that description of their phone call (4 months ago) with D clearly
not tracking, not being sound, wrung my heart. So I decided (foolishly) to
write her one more letter of amends (as Dr. Coleman recommends, as he
says it often takes more than one attempt). Although I know she doesn't
want to hear from me. In the past two years, I've texted her briefly 4-6
times, mailed 2 bday cards w/$100 bills in them. And mailed her two big
letters of heartfelt apology, amends, love and more love. All loathed and
rejected, so I shoulda known...

I texted her Thursday just, "Please read my email [letter] of this morning if you
are willing. Love, Mom". (She blocked my email years ago so I don't try,
but since she doesn't want anything mailed to her housemate's address,
I have no other way to mail to her. Her bills etc go to her stepmom's
address but she only gets that mail once or twice a year. Pays no bills.)

Got a text back that was EXACTLY the same tone she had two years ago.
And this time she was more specific than ever. "Do not contact me in any
way shape or form." (In my email-letter I'd said I'd continue to send bday
cards and a letter once or twice a year and text her when I was coming
through her town again unless she asked me not to). So she DID ask me
not to and couldn't have been more clear. I have no more rationalizations
for how I might wiggle around her total control of the absolute NC.

She did real the letter, which surprised me, because she referenced it:
"You are not 5 years old and can do whatever you want unless someone
tells you to stop." She also said I was selfish and invasive (last time I
texted her was to offer her no-strings $9,000 for her desperately needed
dental work, for which she was begging funds from strangers online).

I understand. At the same time, her stepmom has given me to think
that my D literally may be "living" on about $50/month. AND--like many
other late-bloomers, she's living in the after-rubble of a truly terrible
economy and jobs even for the perky and prepared aren't easy to get.
She wants to substitute teach and stepmom says she's trying to study
for that test. It is a TOUGH world for the young right now. Way rougher
than it was for me. So...finally I'm getting to my point.

I am absolutely clear without any further gray area or rationalization
that there are no exceptions to her rule, and that she means TOTAL NC.
And I intend to obey her. She texted "And don't answer this because
every time you do it adds more time before I will be willing to speak to
you." It's the tone I remember. Punitive, scathing, and all controlling.
(Even though I really DO understand NC and invasiveness and boundaries.
It's easy to in principle, but has been hard for me to go totally silent. I've
got it now, though. I'm not confused about bday cards or anything going
forward. She didn't leave any gray area, for the first time, this time. I
had thought since she'd a couple of times texted back...albeit with
name calling or more "orders" -- that she kind of saw texting as a
small crack of a door I might occasionally be okay to use. But now I
get it.)

The thing is, this time, though it was no different than hundreds of times
before when she's called me names and been hostile and contemptuous,
...I just thought, "I don't want to do this any more." I accept that shut door.

And the dilemma I have--this sounds so small and stupid--is that I want
to make a decision about whether I should continue to pay her cell phone.
She never mentions or acknowledges that I have been paying $80 a month
to keep her plan for about 3 years. She just takes it, uses it, and calls me
selfish. And I'm kind of wondering--am I feeding her delusion?

There are real Pros and Cons for each decision (to continue, and to stop).
So I would very much welcome your advice and thoughts. Small as it is,
it's the only issue left that I have to wrestle with. I have set up a trust
and my affairs are in order so she'll benefit safely (managed by the law
firm) after I'm gone. And I'm getting on with my life.

But there's this hangover piece. It hurts (I feel a little heartbreak every
month when I stand at the payment kiosk feeding in money for a phone
she'll never give me a call on). But it's also a lifeline for her.

And I'm thinking of cutting it off. My SW friend that in a way, paying it
in silence is feeding her delusion, because "The world doesn't work that
way. You don't get to be hostile and contemptuous of someone who is
helping you, without consequences. And you absorbing her contempt
long-term, helps her continue to pretend that she's not taking from you."

On the other hand. My D is mentally ill. And also showing bad character.
And has been abusive to me out of both illness and...bad character. So
I am torn about what to do.

I did notice that for the very first time, after this round of having-face-
spat-in, I felt okay (at least partly) about the idea of just not paying the
bill. Just stopping. I felt...liberated.

But I know part of that is also because of my hurt--a petty way to express
the hurt and anger. (My friend said the reality check of her discovering that
her phone wasn't paid would be good for her. But I see it as a shock. And
my hurt and anger are just emotions...and ... if the phone is a key survival tool ...
should I allow myself to express those emotions? Or just suck it up again?

And--I am trying to save for retirement and also to enjoy my present life.
It's not a huge amount of money and I would be fine, continuing. And maybe
it's a weird, unacknowledged that will one day say to her, my Mom cares
about me and has kept my phone on all this time...so maybe, it's time to call.

Do you see clear Pros and Cons to this dilemma of continuing to pay her
cell phone? It's not financially hurting me. But it does emotionally hurt, as
though I'm participating in my own devaluing. By allowing it to go on.

Thank you. Sorry it took SO long to get it all out. But the question just won't
go away.

love to all,
Hops
PS--Just to be sure I'm very clear about this: There is no medical/commitment/
legal/intervention staging kind of thing I can do. She has her meltdowns but
continues to function and scramble and somehow get by day to day--hence
the July job she's had. And she is an adult who is not in my control. So I'm
not looking for how-to-intercede-in-her-health-care advice, can't do that. Thanks.

Gaining Strength:
I see pros and cons.  I see dilemma all the way around.  That difficult but important thing is to do your best to not make a decision based on generating a specific outcome. In other words, try to see if each choice has a hope of "if I do this then maybe she will...."  Our secret desires often hide below radar.

Which ever choice you make Hops, you can't go wrong ------ AND you can't win.

Do you incapacitate her by paying her phone? Will you feel better if you do pay for it? If you don't? Are you rewarding her contempt by providing this service?  Should you do this relatively small favor out of love?  The questions could stretch out endlessly and the answers continue eluding the asker.

In the end, does providing her this service give you comfort or pleasure regardless of her contemptible response?  Do you do it out of hope that one day, some how she will turn around?  Which choice eases your heart, even a modicum?  Take that one Hops, the one that gives you some tiny sense of comfort.

ann3:
Dear Hops,

I know you and I aren't on the best of terms, but thought I'd take a chance & respond.
I have someone like your D in my life. I believe the behavior you describe is Adult Oppositional Defiant Disorder (and that may be in addition to your D's other conditions).  I know how exasperating such people are.  It feels like no matter what you do, it's never the right choice.  I know how hurtful they can be.

Please keep in mind that she is an adult and you cannot sway her regarding treating her mental health or her life style choices.  So, it's best to give it over to a higher power and pray/hope for the best. 

Regarding the phone, maybe go for a quiet walk or sit quietly and think how you want to handle this.  If the $80 is too expensive, can you find a less expensive plan?  However, if D is on assistance she may qualify for a free phone, but she could change her phone number & not give you the new one.  Maybe think about what you could tolerate regarding paying or not paying for her phone.  Maybe speak to your D's stepmother and get her opinion. 

I have found that dealing with someone like this is really more about what I can tolerate and accept as opposed to trying to "fix" them.  We can't fix them and we need to accept that, so the question becomes how to move forward without driving ourselves crazy over them.

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