Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mothering Again, con't.
Phyll:
Dear Hops,
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's illness/unmanageability and your fears/anxieties in coping with it. I can only imagine what you are going through. I don't think throwing money at her situation is going to help you or her at this point. You have received many helpful suggestions and support. The only other thing I can think of is a referral to the county agency's adult protective services to do a welfare check/offer services.
Phyll
Hopalong:
Thanks, Phyl.
My daughter is completely estranged, thus accepts no help or advice from me. As much as it broke me, after a lot of therapy and years of anguish vented here, a few years back I released her to her own consequences. What you missed is that she hasn't spoken to me once in 10 years and will not unless she changes her mind. I don't hope for it any more because I finally recognized that hoping was self-torture. She's 41, and though it's debatable, competent to make her own decisions. I have no power to compel anything that would change her situation. The only crumbs of info I hear every now and then, and rarely, are second or third hand. Yesterday's news was so incomplete it just fed my old fear. And then I just...stopped.
I have basically released her to the universe and accept that she is no longer in my life. As anyone here could tell you, that took years of agony and screaming anguish. But I did get there. To start a new campaign of trying to reach or rescue her would be near-suicide for me and backfire in every way imaginable. I still might get the worst news a parent could hear one day. I have accepted that it's possible.
Nothing I heard just now through her stepmom tells me APS would deem her living in a basement space an emergency, but it was very minimal info. My sense is of the grinding misery of her chronic mental and physical illnesses plus pain issues plus poverty. I personally think that's a terrible emergency but this country lets many people languish this way. The only brighter spot is that she has shelter with someone she knows, who used to and perhaps still does like her some. I also recall that his parents liked my D -- stepmom told me that too, years back. D is (or was) very charming and they were grateful to have someone living with their son, who has his own serious issues. (I only know he's morbidly obese and I think he never goes out. He likely has other health problems, I'd think.) I have to hope that if she were failing completely to manage, somebody there would alert somebody. I can't be certain but it sounds as though he's her only security now.
I'll be seeing the stepmom Monday and will think about asking her to ask D's half-bro whether he thinks it's an emergency situation right now. IOW, if D is functional or did he view grave deterioration. Or perhaps ask her to convey that if he ever feels D is in a true emergency, he should let me know. So far, though he's aware of D's circumstances, he's never reached out though I'm sure he knows I'd be glad to hear from him. There's a chance he'd tell D that I had conveyed that message to him via stepmom, and I know what D'd think of my "interference" -- it'd lock the iron door between us even tighter. I think he's obeying D's dictates or may be indifferent. He's never shown caring for her that I've seen, so I was surprised he saw her as he never has visited before to my knowledge. She may have asked him for help; he may think about her with more compassion now that he's older, he may have been just passing through the area. No idea.
My situation with her is full-release. I will always love her but you can't help a free adult who rejects it. If I sicced APS on her she'd hate me more (I did prompt a welfare check once after a bank called to tell me her cell phone was found on the ground by the ATM -- she'd been on the phone with me -- normal talk -- and the conversation suddenly cut. When I got the bank's call an hour later I feared she might've been robbed or worse, so called her local police to check. She was enraged with me for that, because she felt humilated when they showed up along with a woman I knew from the local church (I'd asked her to since police said they'd check but not at emergency speed). But she hadn't been mentally organized enough to figure that after vanishing mid-sentence she should've called me on another phone just to say "I'm okay." Or resented the idea she should.
Anyway, I won't/can't re-enter the whole drama now. It just re-emerged yesterday because of the stepmother's unexpected email. I almost felt like asking her NOT to bring me skimpy-scary news of my D, because it makes me start worrying and grieving all over again. But I also don't want to cut off my only potential source of emergency info, should something worse happen. I fear such a call may come.
Sorry I can't catch you up completely. It's been a long slog and this board held my chin above the water more times than I can count. I ultimately made the terrible decision to stop trying. It was terrible but necessary, I believe. I have done a massive amount of healing. I'd give anything if she could. As of now, all I can do is do everything possible to avoid giving up my house, which is in trust for her.
I'll be glad to see stepmom, we're not in touch often, but appreciated her reaching out. But the truth is I don't want to talk much about my D with her. She knows there's nothing really new there, was just letting me know about the brother's visit and that D's back living in her friend's house (I don't know the address but it's good that her brother does). I'm no longer trying to wedge my way into her life. If she ever wants to do counseling with the goal of an adult reconciliation with me I would leap at the chance, drive any distance, pay for it all, etc. I've begged her for that before and was refused. So now, to use a horrible phrase: it is what it is.
Everything Sea wrote was so profoundly perceptive that in many ways her description of where I was is much clearer than my own. (Sea if you're out there, those two posts of yours put a spark to my healing. I never knew how to adequately describe their impact, but thank you again, my friend.)
Thanks for your interest, Phyl, and the kind suggestion. Maybe one day it'll be a right move to make.
hugs
Hops
Phyll:
Hops,
It is a sad, yet healthy realization to know you are powerless. I wish you continued strength in your loving detachment. Thanks for bringing me up to date.
lighter:
((Hops))
I'm glad your DD's stepb visits her. I'm glad her sm reaches out to you. That it brings comfort, even cold comfort seems positive.
I know this.....I think of you and your DD often...would heal the distance if I had the power.
Walking with you....
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, ((Lighter.))
I'm breathing better and will probably release the latest fully after SM's visit Monday. Almost wish I hadn't invited her (not her fault) but will just try to make it mellow.
Glad I'm heading to the beach soon. It'll help too.
hugs,
Hops
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