Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Mothering Again, con't.

<< < (16/23) > >>

Hopalong:
Held my first Covenant Group (of this church year) tonight and it really soothed my soul. Or heart, whatev.

I think because pandemic time has squeezed people so hard, kind of down to their truest truths, all six women were open, deeply authentic, and shared really meaningful stuff about themselves. It was lovely. And surprising.

I found myself sharing my D story (brief, truthful, neither sugarcoated nor dramatic) as part of the Who Am I? section. And yet I still laughed, felt love and connection and nothing other than present to each of them. For me, this was a New Moment.

It was so good to be real, unafraid, and open. Even on Zoom! It showed me that D story or not, I am still so healed compared to where I once was, and life still brings me joy, and new people to love will appear as long as I breathe.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
I don't know if it's Covid or healing or practice and comfort sensing the sharp and tender internal spaces, but I'm glad you're connecting deeply with your Covenant Group. 

The beach has always been a healing place to spend time for me, Hops. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
Opened a stray email...I still get the newsletter from Dr. Jonathan Coleman (the estrangement specialist, among other things) and liked this that he just sent:

"They Should Be Apologizing - to Me!"

I get it.
In a fair world they would.
They would see that all of the hard work raising them, sacrificing for them, helping them, worrying about them and supporting them would mean more than it apparently does.
 
At least it would mean enough for them to apologize for all of the ways that this estrangement has broken your heart, caused you to unfairly question your value as a parent, let alone as a person.
 
How it has made it harder for you to focus on all of the other things in your life that need your focus - deserve your focus.

They should apologize to you for the estrangement resulting in the need for you to visit therapists, attend webinars, read books, go [online] to desperately try to find a solution when all of this could be ended with a simple phone call or two, a visit, or a few therapy sessions.

But, it's not fair and it may never be.
 
That's your mistake.
 
Thinking that it should be fair.

lighter:
Wowsers, Hops.

So true.  The words
"fair and just...."
they're only words.

Adjusting expectations and releasing outcome is so difficult, but a tremendous relief.  At least when I manage them, on and off.  Just practicing.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Condensed version:

After 11 years (10? 12? stopped keeping track) I heard from my D. She has lost her 2 front teeth and is desperate enough to deal with it. Has no money, so she created a new GoFundMe. Her update there was extremely detailed and I believe she is honest (gives evidence of everything) and I decided to pay for it. The image of her was heartrending (the gaps where her front teeth have crumbled away). She gave way TMI but included that somebody on Zoom said she looks "scary" and another said she looks "like a thug." I can imagine how crushing that's been. She's already completely altered by the steroid weight (Addison's disease). It is so very sad.

Also, she mentioned that she's living in a motel. (Got kicked out of the friend's basement thing, don't know why.) I'm assuming this is from a homeless benefit. She is looking for work, completed a program called Women to Work. Trying.

She IS desperate or would not have reached out to me. First it was getting a group email that likely went to all people who'd donated previously for medical. Next it was a copy of that sent to me and my SIL (who hasn't contacted me since the stuff with Nbro so that's another sign of desperation). Didn't reply to either. Finally got a direct email to me only: "Please help." I know it's real and my emergency fund will cover it.

Talked it over with my T and am at peace with doing it. Emailed D that I will, need the address, she replied with it. Called her dentist, sending deposit for the work tomorrow. Feel at peace and have no magical thinking, expectations or fantasies about reuniting.

But it's ironic that I replied (T's advice): Will not be able to help with future financial needs so this is a one-time thing. It's possible because of you taking me to that Dave Ramsey course years ago.

She replied immediately: So if you can help other one-times, here's my Paypal, etc. Almost made me laugh. What I said (one-time thing) sailed right by. But that's my boundary. I'm a different person than I was. Different mother. No dreams.

Complex series of feelings the last two days. But all in all, from my end, it's good.

hugs
Hops

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page