Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mothering Again, con't.
lighter:
Hops..... I was so worried about you in the beginning of your post.
Then....
I was relieved for your DD's sake......
the necessary dental work commencing.....
I felt it, physically.
Now....
at the end of your post.....
your grace and strength.....
hard won.....
are apparent.
I'm not worried about you.
I'm inspired by you, ((Hops.))
Lighter
Hopalong:
(((Lighter))), that was beyond kind.
Thank you.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
So my D has been sending me emails. When I see her name I catch my breath and still can't quite believe it. I'm keeping my responses civil and kind but dry. A bit distant. I worry about the one-step-back that's likely on the way.
In two messages, she said kind words to me. One about the stroke and several "thank you very much" messages after I committed to pay for her dental work.
In my first response, per T's advice I said "this will be a one-time thing, and I can't help you with future financial requests." D responded instantly with alternate ways to send her money (Paypal, etc). Then a couple pleasant emails. Then another request for money or array of my give-more menu offerings (Amazon wishlist, online fundraiser, etc).
Yesterday came one titled "Urgent Winter and Health Care Needs" and it was more shopping lists, money sending apps. She began it with "as I work to fend off potential homelessness..." etc. It hooked me in the chest and then I remembered. I have to say I'm also sad that she still seems to have no awareness of how her pattern affects me. True and piteous stories of her situation with never a single apology or acknowledgement of the years of deepest hurt on my end. What troubles me is I have felt waves of manipulation coming and that actually scares me.
To be overdramatic, I fear that the money I just gave her was like blood in the water. I'm only getting older and it's important not to be vulnerable to anyone who ignores boundaries I set, or even comes into my life to "take over" with an eye on the house. She knows I've left it to her but I hope she's not in a grifter rush.
Can't say I blame her. Her life IS precarious and she's had great misery. I just don't want to get wound up in a web of re$cue rescue rescue rescue that leaves me unable to stay connected to my arduously-reclaimed capacity for happiness.
So I reminded her: The dental was a one-time thing and I can't help further. She replied INSTANTLY well when you can help, please donate here etc, repeating the links and I just felt pressured AND guilty for not whipping out my checkbook. What I have saved is just to help me survive retirement. I gave her my whole emergency fund a month back and told her then "one time thing".
So I responded, "I ask that you not keep pitching me for more money" and so far, no response. Maybe she'll shut and lock the door again (her walkout so many years ago was the first time I said No more money; so I guess the only reason I got some kind words this time was that--I'd just given her thousands. Maybe she has a little nostalgia too, but I don't really know).
My goal for seeing T today is to work on how to stay in my own life, not get caught up with hers. I noticed that in the last week or so since hearing from her, I've gone back to major all-night insomnia, poor eating and generally ... not taking care of me.
Dunno if I'm scared, callous, rebrokenhearted, or what. I'm doing okay and do not regret paying for her dental job. I also don't expect her to be a different person than she was those years ago. But I think I was hoping. She did change a bit in that she contacted me at all and spoke civilly. Her tone in the first one was accusatory but also not rational. "I know you have my birth certificate, you took it, etc." I'd replied just "Our memories differ" and offered to get her certififed copies. She calmed down after that first one and said thank you.
Enough, Hops. I'll get past it and she will probably return to NC. I feel guilt that I'd almost welcome it.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
Huh. I've got to get better at telling the difference between rational concern/fear and irrational negativity.
She didn't respond to me saying "No [more pitching me for money]" with anger or coldness. She just wrote again later repeating "thank you" to tell me she has her first procedure in the dental series today. And hinting that she's dreading it.
I wrote back I'm very glad it's happening, her restored smile will be worth it, and she will figure out what works for her to stay calm (suggested headphones).
She wrote again repeating how traumatic the whole thing has been since the accident when she was 11. I know that's true; she was traumatized by the blow itself, the veneers, but espeically having good teeth ground down to anchor the new teeth. She perseverates on "I'm upset they destroyed good teeth to build the new ones."
I can understand that because I felt exactly the same when they made me bridges to fill the gap where I had only baby teeth.
Anyhow, that felt better and more normal. I really think when she fixates and repeats again and again, that could be part of her trifecta: bipolar, Aspergers and ADHD -- just don't know which one.
Anyway, I feel better that she didn't respond to my No the way she did before.
hugs,
Hops
lighter:
I can't imagine how many emotions and unspoken needs you keep safe behind your boundaries, Hops. I think your boundaries will kepe you safe, even if they flex and almost break..... as long as you come back to them.... I think they'll see you through. Believing you can hold them... I believe you can..... do you believe you can?
I think your strenth with boundaries is your DD's best chance to stop repeating mistakes/self sabotage, generally. If things go back to what they were.... everyone knows where that leads, so the choice is easier if you agree to only do things that build DD up and help her get better, rather than remain mired or harmful to you and herself.
Extending the dental care is a selfless act of loving intention disrupting DD's narrative of blaming you. She might be grateful. I believe she is, but the distance between you, created by her..... will have to be spanned by DD.
It's outside your control and I hope you go back to being present with the joy in your life. Tidying your home. Snuggling with Pooch.
Chats with your church family..... the ritual of writing...the warmth of your firepit and travel to visit cherished friends.
They're always available to you, as is worry and fear.
((((Hops)))) You're doing your best and that's all you can do. Worrying won't help anything, but proper rest, avoiding survival mode and turning towards joy makes can make all the difference, IME.
Lighter
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