Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mothering Again, con't.
lighter:
You might have a rethink about what "active parenting" means, Hops.
Going to dinner and shopping is an easy thing.
The heavy lifting of discerning what will help a/your struggling child vs enabling her to carry on with destructive patterns is, IME, a very high level of active parenting.
DD's narrative of being abandoned by you is wrong. I hope you haven't bought into it, even a tiny unconscious bit, bc it's not true.
You're patiently standing by, shining a light in healthier spaces, offering DD the choice to make changes too....
to walk towards and into that light, maybe.....
or continue experiencing negative consequences so her discomfort moves her into new directions eventually.
Discomfort is catalyst for big change....it's not punishment or abandonment. This is truth. For you. Me. Everyone on this board and for our children and all humans.
Holding boundaries with children IS active parenting. Holding out the chance for healing and change is active parenting. Extending empathy and compassion, while resisting the urge to rescue and save children from themselves is very active parenting, IME, bc DD will learn she's in charge of saving herself.
That's.
Huge.
Active parenting.
::nodding::.
Highest levels.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I agree with everything Lighter wrote!
Hopalong:
This likely sounds terrible, but I'm not sure I believe that "holding out the chance for healing and change" is what I can or even should try to do with her any more. I can only work on myself, rather than view myself as some kind of leader for her.
When I saw the photo it crystallized how very far away she has gone, and I frankly am comfortable only when I stop holding out anything to her. I do respond with simple courtesy on the surface and kind words, but I am also tuned into not expressing too much compassion. Sounds sick, but I can hold it privately only.
She has shown subtle signs of still using my compassion as vulnerability she can go after. I've been comforted by the sole (big) act of help I chose to give, but I'm still done with trying to model or hold out or narrate or inspire change. Really, I can't. I don't want to. It's still extremely sad and I believe it's best for us both that I not daydream about her changing. She is so far away and so severely disabled by all rational measures that it's better not to fantasize.
And unfortunately, I still have to be very very guarded and protect myself (not my natural M.O.; therein lies the danger). She is a beautiful wolf. Highly intelligent, manipulative, charming and even cunning. I don't want to welcome all of that back into my life.
hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Heard, Hops. I deal with a similar situation.
But can you combine "releasing the outcome" with holding a space for the POSSIBILITY of (someday) positive change? Without defining what that would have to look like?
You wouldn't be opening up your vulnerability to being taken advantage of, that way. And functionally, I understand and support your current "strategy" for dealing with this new avenue of communication.
lighter:
I believe the chance for change is a happy by product of the choices you made, and not something you're holding on to, Hops.
It comforted me.
Not gonna lie...
I wanted it to comfort you too.
Lighter
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