Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mothering Again, con't.
Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber and Lighter. A lot.
You're both wise, rich with nuggets from your own deeply lived pasts, and truly generous to share them. Thank you.
I think what I was reporting on was some fear I was feeling at her re-emergence. I love her still, but it's more the memory of her before bipolar and the other diagnoses took over. And in nearly every single situation with a narcissistic person I've found in my life (and I sniffed them out like a hunting dog) -- I've taken the love and forgive route and kicked self-protection to the curb. I do love my daughter and I do forgive her, but the gradual changes in her character (or reveals of it) caught me those years ago unaware, uncomprehending, flinging myself under the tractor wheels. I just wasn't able to believe that someone I thought loved me, would take pleasure in hurting me. Then I recognized her expression one day, which her father had shown, too. A little smile when I was absolutely devastated on the canvas.
I don't blame her because blame is the deadest of dead ends. But I got around to recognizing that in my situation, without family support or allies, I had to learn I need to be all of it for myself. (I think Tupp may feel a similar resolve.) And if I had a sister, or a trusted cousin, for sure I'd tell them all my truth. Now I'm reaching for some closer relationships (sisterhood style) here IRL that have always been possible, but I couldn't see. Love and support still available, I just had to open up, forcing myself out of isolation, and what was I always preaching? Allowing for the possibility of good things happening?
I am glad you both reminded me....I have to allow that for my D, too. Just a couple semi-hostile or critical emails from her had sent me cringing again. But I won't get stuck there, promise.
Boundaries are everything. I still sense her pure self missing somewhat having a mother. A little tendril from all the trauma she's been through waving in my direction for comfort. And I surely have the tendrils, too.
I've noticed a weird feeling of unexpected ease in my heart. It's as though the stump of an amputation stopped hurting, and I'm moving through my days without much anxiety (moments sometimes) and with a feeling of new peace. I won't fantasize because fantasizing is always my downfall. So, NO plans/expectations/specific hopes/daydreams/wishes/hopes/grand new roles allowed. I really do know this. I'm freer, better, more at peace without them.
Sorry I'm so hypervigilant about that, Lighter. Not you, but "it" (the daydreams) are threatening to me. I lost years hoping and fantasizing and won't get them back. What I CAN to is go forward taking each present day as it comes, and if messages from my D are part of one now and then, finding my center and not letting the pathos and misery of her situation "hook" me into fixit fantasies.
Yes, I need to allow for the possibility of good things happening. I just won't imagine myself as the driver of them. Motherhood is gone for me. Loving this child doesn't have to be gone; being vulnerable to her does.
A brutal truth. But I did learn it.
hugs and more thanks,
Hops
PS -- Irony smacked me upside-a-da-head when I read this right after writing this post to y'all. It's not about a parent-adult child situation, but you'll see the parallels. I'm referring to the first letter, and Hax's reply. (Free link's good for a week, I think.) https://wapo.st/3tQJf2c
Hopalong:
I think I've been sounding so brittle about all of this is because my heart has sprung a leak and I'm thinking about her a LOT. Partly it feels good -- I kind of relive the small moments when I read a friendly-sounding message, then my mind goes back into happy memories I had locked away.
For many years now I've practiced release so constantly that I don't know how to, or whether to, try to take hold of her hand again.
It's okay and my heart isn't welded shut. Just lots of feelings got churned up and I'm not sure how to handle them. The answer is probably just staying in the present, and when something happens or comes from my D, just breathe.
I don't know, but imagine that once all the dental restoration is complete, she'll fade out of reach again, particularly since no more money's coming. I just have no idea.
Nose off the pebbles time?
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I'm sorry I didn't put myself in your shoes any better than I did. I forgot boundaries are built so very close to the pebbles. And the battle trenches....
so easy to fall... under stress, IME.
You seemed so rock solid..... and I believe in your ability to hold.....
hold....
hold long enough, well enough to keep yourself safe. I hope you believe too.
Everything you posted made complete sense and of course you're feeling the way you do. How could you not?
Just know.... I'm here, mentally holding boundaries with you.....and reminding you what helps.....
be so so so kind to yourself.....
drop expectations and judgments....
embrace curiosity.....
accept what you can't change and release outcome.
About holding space for possibilities....
I've decided holding space for not knowing everthing feels better in my body than the former.
Keep your head where your feet are, ((Hops.))
Lighter
Hopalong:
Nothing to apologize for, Lighter!
I like your compassionate fantasies about "modeling behavior" for her.
I don't think my D, in her forties, is looking to me to model anything.
And she has huge boiling obstacles, many within herself, to figuring herself out.
It wrings my heart. But love is not a cure. Damnit. I wrote her today that Part 2 of my payment will reach the dentist a bit later because of snow here, and because their office hadn't made it clear. (I thought Part 2 would be due when the work was complete, but turns out they want all of it in advance since I'm out of state.)
Okay, but it's going to take a lot of juggling between two banks, in person, on Monday. Hopefully we don't get another snowfall enough to ice the streets.
She responded with an email complaining about how inconvenient this is for her.
Sigh,
Hops
lighter:
Modeling schmodeling.
I just see you making tough choices, Hops.
Nose on and off the pebble....
choices.
(SO weird there's a C in the word Choice, don't you think?)
Every day you choose to focus on joy/self care
instead of regret and pain.... things you can't control....
is you holding a lantern up down the path for those who CAN see.
Maybe DD can't see
maybe she can.....
maybe she will, at some point, but
just know.....
I see you, Hops.
As my father used to say....
"Im your witness." Lots of people see you, ((Hops.))
Lighter
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