I almost always second guess myself on things I say here and otherwise for fear I said it wrong, unclear, - all sorts of things. I know how that glitch was embedded and took root in me. Finding clarity on this (how to get over second guessing myself) is important to me, but honestly, I don't know where to start. Ideas, anyone?
I do it too, tt! I can spend all morning typing away a reply to someone and end up just posting a couple of lines these days. But this is different than the kind of walking on eggshells we used to do, to prevent ourselves triggering the Jekyll-Hyde experience of the old FOO. If anything, I think this kind of "self-consciousness" - for wont of a better description - is worse for me now...
I am very conscious of trying to accurately communicate my meaning in a way that can't be misunderstood. For all that consideration, I am still misunderstood enough times anyway or the feedback I'm getting lets me know something slipped 'twixt my intention, the hearing and the connection between me and the other person. This seems to be kinda normal... so doesn't often require "forgiveness"; a simple clarification, apology and life goes on. But I'm accutely sensitive to my desire to not make things worse or more painful or anything, for others. Sometimes I can get it all just right - and I still end up inflicting more pain, dang it!!
You see how this could revert back to being silent, living in a small bubble of space? I do, for myself. I also see how much mind-reading is involved... taking that old survival skill, and trying to apply it in a more compassionate way. For me, at least. I also know that this is still the same 1 --> 1 over-responsibility, it's all my fault mindset... unless I make the conscious effort to realize that I can't completely control what other people hear, think & feel about what they heard... that I said. They have some responsibility for trying to understand... it's not all on me and what words I use. Like it was in the "bad old days", you know?
Another thing that's helped, is to realize how little people are paying attention to me. The hoards aren't surrounding me, waiting to jump on any little slip-up and rub my face in it (unlike the politicians/media symbiotic relationship!). Most of the time, no one even remembers what I said. As it should be! I babble without conscious intention a lot of the time... don't have any earthshattering thing to say... I'm just "chatty"... overflowing with nonsense... sometimes funny, or boring, or pedantic... or...
But, of course, my brain & it's rutted neural pathways still shows the wagon-train traces of the days, when I had to be careful of every single word that came out of my mouth... or used in emails (because of someone else's fear of not being politically correct)... or uttered in social situations. So I take every opportunity I can to push myself just a skosh more out of my comfort zone... practicing and paying attention to "what happens".
Here's a good example: the guy who does my hair is rather liberal in his political thoughts; we both lived through the same social/cultural changes... have quite a bit of our interests in common. I don't "fit" anywhere politically... so never joined a party and frankly probably never will, since I think that whole concept is obsolete these days. I'm what gets tagged a "fiscal conservative" based on my attitudes about money and how big gov't should be... but I'm fiercely pro-choice, know full well that the gov't has to supply some kind of safety net assistance - we're just debating how much & when is appropriate... etc. A "party" - by definition of existence - has to share a majority of opinions or views... and well, my views are decided one issue at a time, and I do my own reading/deciding. I've never "safe" accepting someone else's opinion, without doing my own analysis.
So, we talk - he and I. I'm not evangelizing him or the reverse. But, for me this is practice in that I'm scared to death to just say what I think/believe about certain issues for fear of triggering one of the stock, media-born responses; one of the slogan, blame-slinging, "it's all their fault and we're only trying to help" endless loops. I just can't stand it from any perspective! Images of being burned at the stake come up in my mind, when I try out some of my political ideas... and ask those WHAT IF? questions. On the other hand, if we ordinary folk don't talk about it... don't try to see the common ground between us... don't try to find a completely different kind of "discourse"... then how can we hope anyone else will? This is helping me realize that my perception of how other people will react to me, is still pretty warped from the old FOO experience...
and helping me find the subtle adjustments... to be able to just say what's on my mind, and be me... without that fear of pitchforks, torches, and angry villagers... i.e., the dragon-mom who is the only one allowed to "right". And to realize, what I think or say, is barely noticed... and not that important... to other people, so I don't have to so friggin' CAREFUL how the words fall out of my mouth.
We practice that a lot here, when we let ourselves get off-topic, a little goofy, and have some fun too.
