Author Topic: addicts don't go NC why do we?  (Read 6204 times)

Guest

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #15 on: November 03, 2011, 05:52:15 PM »
TT, for you: http://www.measuringworth.com/uscompare/

I contacted someone who borrowed money from me in 1980, when I was poor and he sounded desperate. It would be worth around $95 today. I wrote to him twice, he said he vaguely remembered the loan. I read on his profile that he works in rehab for young offenders, is married with kids. If i wanted to, I could easily locate him and turn up on his doorstep. He hasn't offered me my money back. People are often simply crap. He is one of those.

TT, if he said to me: "the Lord has brought it to my attention that I said/did (name it) and that I have offended you.  I am very sorry for what I said/did that hurt you.  He has forgiven me.  It would mean the world to me if you could find it in your heart to forgive me too.  Would you forgive me?" I'd say: "first, where's the money?".

Hops, yes I do! I'm still (occasionally) dealing with the new set of demons (well, small imps really), and talking to my inner revenger about how self-defeating all her silly 'showdown' ideas are. I've waged a lot of wars in my head, which is where they are safest. Ooooo I like that! "Wars are best waged in heads." copyright that now (no results in the big G). :mrgreen:

I like all practices that are geared towards understanding.

sKePTiKal

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2011, 09:25:34 AM »
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"Wars are best waged in heads."

Caveat: not when the war is between your "self" and your SELF. Otherwise, anything first published in public media (does a restricted membership disc board count?) is already protected by copyright, if you have enough money for the lawyers.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Guest

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2011, 09:33:27 AM »
Agree with your caveat PR. 8) Internal wars like that require external assistance.

I think Richard has the copyright, so Richard, you are most welcome to that, FWIW (not much!).

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #18 on: November 04, 2011, 06:10:24 PM »
Me neither TT. But then I know how I feel if someone tells me that I've hurt them in some way. It doesn't happen much these days. I don't meet enough (or upset enough) people!! Ha. I must be doing something wrong.

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I almost always second guess myself on things I say here and otherwise for fear I said it wrong, unclear, - all sorts of things. 

I'm not biting. Nope. Not either side of that apple.

How many people have asked you for forgiveness? There's a starter.

Guest

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2011, 09:21:07 AM »
Oh watch your thoughts because your thoughts become your actions?

Well, I guess that applies to some people. I understand that.

I don't think planning revenge is a waste of time! It can be a very productive use of time. So long as it stays at the planning stage, in one's head, and doesn't translate to action. Of course, that depends on what the trangression is. Action may be required, but get rid of revenge before acting. Act out of the need for action (as anyone sees 'need') as opposed to emotion. Blah blah!

I guess thoughts are never wasted.

These days if anyone should ask for my forgiveness (and I don't know why anyone would, nutters aside), I'd wonder why they wanted it, and how long they had wanted it,  ...etc.

sKePTiKal

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2011, 10:26:01 AM »
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I almost always second guess myself on things I say here and otherwise for fear I said it wrong, unclear, - all sorts of things.   I know how that glitch was embedded and took root in me.  Finding clarity on this (how to get over second guessing myself) is important to me, but honestly, I don't know where to start.  Ideas, anyone?

I do it too, tt! I can spend all morning typing away a reply to someone and end up just posting a couple of lines these days. But this is different than the kind of walking on eggshells we used to do, to prevent ourselves triggering the Jekyll-Hyde experience of the old FOO. If anything, I think this kind of "self-consciousness" - for wont of a better description - is worse for me now...

I am very conscious of trying to accurately communicate my meaning in a way that can't be misunderstood. For all that consideration, I am still misunderstood enough times anyway or the feedback I'm getting lets me know something slipped 'twixt my intention, the hearing and the connection between me and the other person. This seems to be kinda normal... so doesn't often require "forgiveness"; a simple clarification, apology and life goes on. But I'm accutely sensitive to my desire to not make things worse or more painful or anything, for others. Sometimes I can get it all just right - and I still end up inflicting more pain, dang it!!

You see how this could revert back to being silent, living in a small bubble of space? I do, for myself. I also see how much mind-reading is involved... taking that old survival skill, and trying to apply it in a more compassionate way. For me, at least. I also know that this is still the same 1 --> 1 over-responsibility, it's all my fault mindset... unless I make the conscious effort to realize that I can't completely control what other people hear, think & feel about what they heard... that I said. They have some responsibility for trying to understand... it's not all on me and what words I use. Like it was in the "bad old days", you know?

Another thing that's helped, is to realize how little people are paying attention to me. The hoards aren't surrounding me, waiting to jump on any little slip-up and rub my face in it (unlike the politicians/media symbiotic relationship!). Most of the time, no one even remembers what I said. As it should be! I babble without conscious intention a lot of the time... don't have any earthshattering thing to say... I'm just "chatty"... overflowing with nonsense... sometimes funny, or boring, or pedantic... or...

But, of course, my brain & it's rutted neural pathways still shows the wagon-train traces of the days, when I had to be careful of every single word that came out of my mouth... or used in emails (because of someone else's fear of not being politically correct)... or uttered in social situations. So I take every opportunity I can to push myself just a skosh more out of my comfort zone... practicing and paying attention to "what happens".

Here's a good example: the guy who does my hair is rather liberal in his political thoughts; we both lived through the same social/cultural changes... have quite a bit of our interests in common. I don't "fit" anywhere politically... so never joined a party and frankly probably never will, since I think that whole concept is obsolete these days. I'm what gets tagged a "fiscal conservative" based on my attitudes about money and how big gov't should be... but I'm fiercely pro-choice, know full well that the gov't has to supply some kind of safety net assistance - we're just debating how much & when is appropriate... etc. A "party" - by definition of existence - has to share a majority of opinions or views... and well, my views are decided one issue at a time, and I do my own reading/deciding. I've never "safe" accepting someone else's opinion, without doing my own analysis.

So, we talk - he and I. I'm not evangelizing him or the reverse. But, for me this is practice in that I'm scared to death to just say what I think/believe about certain issues for fear of triggering one of the stock, media-born responses; one of the slogan, blame-slinging, "it's all their fault and we're only trying to help" endless loops. I just can't stand it from any perspective! Images of being burned at the stake come up in my mind, when I try out some of my political ideas... and ask those WHAT IF? questions. On the other hand, if we ordinary folk don't talk about it... don't try to see the common ground between us... don't try to find a completely different kind of "discourse"... then how can we hope anyone else will?  This is helping me realize that my perception of how other people will react to me, is still pretty warped from the old FOO experience...

and helping me find the subtle adjustments... to be able to just say what's on my mind, and be me... without that fear of pitchforks, torches, and angry villagers... i.e., the dragon-mom who is the only one allowed to "right". And to realize, what I think or say, is barely noticed... and not that important... to other people, so I don't have to so friggin' CAREFUL how the words fall out of my mouth.

We practice that a lot here, when we let ourselves get off-topic, a little goofy, and have some fun too.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

teartracks

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2011, 12:07:32 PM »

Reconocido y comprendido

Reconnu et compris

להכרה הבין
tt

PS  I'm showing off using the Google translator.   :roll:

Guest

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2011, 06:45:13 PM »

翻譯
普通話

?

teartracks

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2011, 07:26:04 PM »





Huh?  :lol:

tt





teartracks

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2011, 09:19:49 PM »





Quote
I guess thoughts are never wasted.

It's the action or non action they prompt in/from us that determines their value temporal and/or eternal.

tt

sKePTiKal

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2011, 07:11:01 AM »
me too, tt!

That's kinda what happens in creative brainstorming sessions. Anything and everything* that comes to mind is allowed to be said and "thrown against the wall" to see if it sticks - and when more than one person can start taking that idea and going further, developing it, simplifying it... then the group generally, by consensus, has got a "winner".

* and I mean ANYTHING - it's no holds barred, spew out whatever associations, visual images, slogans, snippets of songs... that pop into ones head. After that... process of elimination of things that were "DOA" as far carrying the message and further refinement of the ideas/associations that do.

Best thing of all - no one's "right" or "wrong"... even the most lame, dumb and rediculous ideas are expected to be tossed on the table and considered... on the merit of the idea - not the speaker. I've seen those silly ideas rise to top, after hours & hours of looking at other possibilities... and with an appropriate image make-over... be long-term successful.

I've also noticed that positive ideas last longer in the public mind than negative ones - in advertising. You'd think that would catch on elsewhere, wouldn't you? But, what I've been noticing is that what people (media, politics) are arguing about, can be reduced to who and what is "right"... and some, more than others are frightfully insecure and really, really "need" to be right... and are mortally terrified about being wrong. And no is acknowledging the fact that there is no one "right" answer - no one size fits all solution... and they're locked in the paralysis of fearing to do something that might be wrong and bullying others to buy into their vision of what's "right"........ SIGH.

There was a web-blog I used to visit called "Everyone Needs Therapy". I think the whole culture can use some therapy, these days.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Guest

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2011, 08:57:01 AM »





PR,

I wonder what it would be like if so much pressure wasn't placed on sanitizing everything we say. 

tt






I am not PR but if I didn't 'sanitize' what I say, I imagine I'd get punched quite a bit and eventually I might be forced in to some political position; probably a right-wing one, completely against my will.

As for brainstorming (don't think you can keep this convo to yourselves, ladies), I said in one of those fun events, not in these words but far more acceptable ones: "this company is all fur coat and no knickers" ie: it's an ambitious front with nothing to back it up....oh "interesting" said the director present. Yeah right! The company folded, of course.

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I think the whole culture can use some therapy, these days.
Culture? Whose culture? Is there more than one these days I wonder. Superficially maybe.






Quote
I guess thoughts are never wasted.

It's the action or non action they prompt in/from us that determines their value temporal and/or eternal.

tt

I'm not arguing with that...

teartracks

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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #27 on: November 06, 2011, 04:46:37 PM »



From: The Message

Words kill, words give life;

they're either poison or fruit—you choose.

tt





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Re: addicts don't go NC why do we?
« Reply #28 on: November 06, 2011, 05:27:01 PM »
I like it TT. A bit black and white. Words can also mean pretty much nothing. Like many text messages I receive, which are almost meaningless.