Freshwater,
Thank you so much for the reality check.
Wondering Kay, why you want to subject yourself, H and kids to NM anyway? I mean, if you don't want to, simply don't do it.
It's nice to hear someone say, "You don't have to. It's okay if you don't want to."
It's easy to feel societal pressure around this time of year. It's not really a socially acceptable thing to admit "I don't like my family. I don't want to see them."
I guess you could say there are a few things that keep me going back:
- I never had any real relationship with my grandparents or other extended family growing up (NM didn't get along with them and felt jealous of any affinity I felt for my aunt.) Anyway, this was sort of confusing to me as a kid? Also, my NM and Co-N D used to say horrible things about my NGM in front of me from a very young age. As a result, I was secretly terrified of her, absorbed their anger for her, etc. I guess I've wanted to avoid repeating that pattern with my own kids. I didn't want to have to explain to my own young children why they don't know their grandparents. I worry that if I went NC, my kids would later think this was selfish of me?
- DH still really likes my Co-N D and visa versa. I really don't want to deprive my husband of this relationship. My NM has been so horrible to DH, I feel like he deserves some in-law love.
- Stockholm Syndrome/Guilt. I worry that NM and Co-N D will be "lonely" (without anyone to emotionally prop them up) or "bored" (without anyone to look down their noses at or bully). Other relatives hate my NM & Co-N D too much to celebrate with them anymore. GC sister always bails on them at the holidays, yet she remains the GC. How does that work? Also worry about alcoholic, Co-N D who NM fully terrorizes now. He's pretty cold to me/dismissive of me these days, but I worry that he'd hurt himself if I turned my back on them both.
- To prove I'm not the monster NM portrays me as to the rest of the family. She's had such a smear campaign against me in recent years. I guess I think if I keep going through the motions, keep showing up for holidays and calling on Sundays etc, it will prove (even just to myself) that I am not the heartless, crazy one.
If this sounds pretty bleak, it is. But somehow I find the strength to go through the motions of the hollow, empty, one-sided "relationship" I have with NM. I will cut it off in an instant if she ever goes after my children (she knows well enough to leave DH alone at this point). I guess I'm just not ready to go NC. Although I dream of it. Literally, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking:
I want to be free of them. I just want to be free. There's no escape. There's no escape. There's no escape.Anyway, sorry for the heaviness. And all the personal detail.
I'm so glad for your freedom Freshwater. That's definitely something to be thankful for! You're an inspiration. Thanks for the insight.
Kay x