My brother and just life and stuff

[Meh]

Bleh, crazy storms outside, thunder and pouring out water.

I want to write sort of. Got to move again major remodeling is going to happen in this apartment and my room mate wants to cut her lease early. I kind of hope they post pone the remodel but I doubt that is going to happen. Sigh. And of course it's expensive to move etc.

[Hopalong]

Aww, Boat.
I'm very sorry for that hassle.

I hope you find a spot that will feel good
and that you can snuggle into...

Hops

[Meh]

Thanks Hops.

[Meh]

I could probably stop writing about me discovering my mother's Narcissism or whatever she has. Because that is like a done deal.

Now, maybe I am at some kind of loss.

I wish there was something that replaced my family experience but there wasn't and there isn't even a point in talking about that any more is there?

My aunt in Pennsylvania (my father's sister) sent my mother a card intended for me I guess. With a photograph of my grown cousins. I guess one of my cousins has a family which is kind of weird to me because the last time I saw my cousins we were all still kids ourselves.

My father contacted me via email saying that he wanted to give me my great grandfather's accordion (Something my brother coveted I guess). My brother did have it.
Thing is I really don't want to be bothered. I don't have any use for this stuff.

It's kind of like now that I am older, there is no continuation of family and what existed before seemed fake now. I'm tired I think I am going to sleep soon

[Hopalong]

I can relate, Boat.
Every now and then I wake up just stunned that I'm essentially family-free, now.
I do still think about it.
But it is less fresh, and the wounds are healing.

I focus a lot on my PHamily of chosen friends, and do experience my UU community as family.
They are in my life weekly, at least, and usually more than once.

It helps so very very much.
Otherwise, I would feel alone, peripheral, always on the fringe.

It took me a few years to intentionally build all those relationships.
And I am still open to more friends.

love
Hops

[Meh]

Want to write on here, just a simple personal blurb as if I was writing just to myself and only to myself..though when I do come here not much comes out. Mostly all I can write is that I feel pooped out and guilty for not exercising and feeling good inside my body. Instead my belly and thighs feel rather chubby and bloated all the time. Also I forget that I even have this physical flesh container which this "talking" self, "self-talking" self, "writing self"...well this flesh that I live with and AM. I get not only so far inside my mind, but so inside my problems it's as if I start to inhabit the "mental picture-image" of what the problem is. The problems are real,....it's just really not fun how much is lacking from the rest of my life. IF there were other things then maybe the problems wouldn't take up so much space themselves. The problems would then have to readjust to a slice of the pie instead.

not sure what else to write about, drinking a cup of mint tea and going to go to sleep soon I hope

It's all kind of a constant--the part of self care. SELF care requires constancy. Tricky part being is that life keeps changing with so many variables...hard to get everything working all at the same time.

[sKePTiKal]

Tricky part being is that life keeps changing with so many variables...hard to get everything working all at the same time.

This is so true, Bean! I think the hard part, for me, is thinking that there is a sustained place in "life"... where some people are able to get everything working all at the same time, with that constant motion and it's always like that. Whenever I've gotten to know people like that, I've found out I was wrong in my perception of their "perfection".

They're just really good at maintaining the IMAGE of perfect juggling... and they hide their frustrations, accept their failures and try again, just like we do. Sometimes, these kinds of people have also got stories like ours, too. Families like ours. Any of the times, I've ever let something slip - or intentionally tried to describe my "mom-bro" - there is instantaneous recognition from others. They know people like that too. (yeah, every once in a while I find out that this new person IS like they are too... ya pays yer nickel; ya takes yer chances...)

As far as relating to our bodies, especially as they age, I'm on the same wavelength as Hops... we gotta keep moving to feel good. It's just too easy to sit for hours... I need one of those treadmills with a small desk and power plug on the front to take my computer with me...
and it's just sooooo tempting, when my bones ache, the nerves in my foot hurt... to just pook out and plunk down into a cocoon on the couch and read what other people are talking about... because I'm so bored listening to my own crap. But the problem with that is that the chi stagnates... which causes even more aches and nerve issues... LOL... so I try to remember to BALANCE all that... some days, I remember better than others... and some days, I just say: F it. Doin what I want to do... and I don't wanna move. So there. 

It's all good, Bean.

[Meh]

I find drug addiction really scary and disturbing. I am looking at an article: http://news.msn.com/us/first-cases-of-flesh-eating-narcotic-suspected-in-us

sometimes I think I am some kind of wimp, I find most disease and illness disturbing to some degree

I mean are drugs like these developed intentionally by some "EVIL" being like the Joker character in the batman movies.....   honestly I don't understand people or the world or anything

I find it odd that NASA/military or somebody?  hasn't developed some kind of "blocker-drug" that can somehow make the effects drug use impotent meaning something that could be put into a person's blood stream that causes a brain to not "addict" or un-addict  IDK   what I am saying right now....sleep time

I find it odd that my brother died of a drug over-dose because it is somehow associated with being lower class and I never identified with being "lower class" when I was growing up even if maybe we were and still am.

Always like there were two sides. There is some side of themselves that people take to work that they show the public and then there is something else I guess.

When my brother was in high school he played guitar of course and I remember him practicing a song by the band "Motley Crue" called Dr. Feel Good. My brother had a tattoo with this phrase  *dr.feel good*  that he later got covered up with something innocuous. I asked my brother why he got it covered up and he told me that it's because the song is about drug-dealing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XHcPYorSJw

The band being interviewed about their drug use:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDYbe4v8vw8

(sometimes I wonder about the above, if the band members never really had serious addictions but played it up as part of their bad-guy persona".. I just wonder

Other statements:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3SQBRCmTjY

Just weird stuff that I am watching tonight

[Meh]

On my theme of youtube videos. Was watching an interview between Richard Dawkins and this other person Ted Haggard, (near end of video)....and on youtube Ted Haggard was described as possibly showing Narcissist facial expressions.

I wonder if there is such a thing as a Narcissistic facial expression.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmMv0ceWTVQ

Was curious what you tube would bring up about narcissism but what I found was mainly something about ego-maniacs and that doesn't seem to fit my mother. Ego-maniacs are like over the top!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94Uie7UCdOU

[Hopalong]

The Ted Haggard story is sad to me in so many ways...I was deeply fascinated because of my upbringing. Narcissism is very probably part of it, but I also think that's bred into many preachers. Saddest to me is the adherence to human-written texts that get people utterly bollixed up about their own reality, and so often block the capacity for compassion...and self acceptance.

"Class" is another thing that makes me nuts.

You are a first-class human being, Bean.

Hops

[Meh]

Thanks @ Hops

Tonight I am just tired, glad to notice that finally the country radio station that I listen to has some new song selections mixed in with the same 15 songs they replay over and over

[Meh]

Now my mother says she is giving some of the boxes of things of mine that are just sitting in her huge basement to my father for some weird ferking reason. I just sent an e-mail telling my father that I thought they were both weird ass holes or something like that.

Oh well. Life is a biotch, weirdness is to be expected. Considering I haven't seen my father in over 10 years or more like 15 years it's pretty stupid that she would give anything of mine to him. But she knows I wouldn't like it, hence the motivation for doing it. I wish these people would just die. And she prefaces the email with How are you? Hope you are doing well...she doesn't hope that I am doing well. Obviously.

What do I do?  Block emails, change phone numbers....just disappear. And it is stupid because I would feel alone and like I have no family...but I already am pretty much alone with no real family so what am I doing?  

Do I finally quit them cold-turkey? My brother is already dead obviously. Well. Just re-focus on something else I suppose. God something has got to change. I'm tired of this.

I'm on the verge of calling my father and saying a bunch of nasty shit to him, tell him he is a manipulative piece of shit. Apparently he is moving here or something like that. What a fucking weirdo. I wish he wouldn't.

I don't have to be nice.

Yeah I am going to call him and tell him to leave ME and my stuff alone.. He has no business messing with me in any way whatsoever. And I am not going to be nice. I'll try to be a calm jerk instead of a screaming insane maniac. Nope this isn't happening.....quiet polite little me....is not happy. I find it very odd that my father who was divorced from my mother many years ago now is having some kind of interaction with her. just fucking weird --weirdos

we are not in this together.....that is a clear "mantra" of my "family"

I'm too old to be like this. I should be buffered by having my OWN LIFE. right if I had a life, a good one, I would be buffered from people and things from the past....losers that don't mean shit anymore

ASSHOLES     

[Meh]

My minutia:

This Sunday am awake early so in theory I have plenty of time to write. Grumpy of course because that is just the way I am these days. I have Sunday off, go back to work on Mondays which are the busiest day of the week at the call center. And then I have Tuesdays off. So now I don't have proper weekend.

I spend bunch of time chatting with people that I really don't know, even though it is the same group of people.

One in Canada, one in Pakistan, one in Ireland, one in New Zealand. It's interesting but a pointless waste of time. I need some kind of down time though. I feel like doing nothing when I get home after work, often I get home at 7:30 PM or later because of the bus trip.

Just sitting on my rear, listening to the radio and drinking coffee. May try to make a phone call about a hair cut.


Got to consider my complacency, discouragement....and my really fed-up and angry disposition...I am unhappy probably...I don't really expect to be happy....my life has really been drudging and enduring scenarios that I don't want to be living.
doing nothing and time just passes by

I procrastinate against applying for other jobs for a number of reasons (1) I don't wish to explain   (2) because starting a new job is change  (3) because when I was living in homeless shelters I got burnt out on applying for jobs and not being offered anything  (4) I don't have a career the resume doesn't look impressive to anybody   (5) No university degree  (6) It requires more sitting on the internet (7) it's not fun and not how I want to spend my day off of work looking for another crap job. (  (number8)  currently I can wear jeans and tennis shoes to work, I would not look forward to putting on slacks at this point

[Meh]

Well, I made a couple of phone calls about appointments for hair cuts, just left messages. My hair is driving me crazy, I'm 35 years old and I keep it kind of long like a younger person. It's become more and more frizzy the older I get it seems.

I probably need to stop reacting emotionally to life. Some people just are solid when they do things, it's not a big emotional trama or hassle all the time. Not every thing in life has to be a big internal emotional drama. IDK.

[Meh]

1. Death of a spouse

2. Jail sentence

3. Death of immediate family member

 4. Immediate family member commits suicide

5. Getting into debt beyond means of repayment

6. Period of homelessness

7. Immediate family member seriously ill

8. Unemployment (of head of household)

9. Divorce

10. Break up of family



It's that list of stressful life events.....   LOL uggg...