These past few days have been different, up and down, emotions rolling like oceans waves, first cresting and then ebbing, unsettling and then comforting, energy and then deleted. This is another one of those. I prefer even Steven.
This feelings and memories and fears and expectations of rejection are large. Large but still dwarfed by the enormity of shame that I am passing through. My vision of life beyond rejection is blurred. I cannot see what it might be like. It leaves my stomach empty and room for fear to enter in. I see how repression gets to work. Part of me cannot tell if I am strong enough to handle all that repressed pain. But I am relying on past experience and moving forward. I'm wading in .
The pain is terribly exhausting. I should hav known. But u think gearing up and getting to work exercising, getting back in shape, strengthening will be beneficial.
I was driving home from camp this morning and the pain and fear had begun to wah over me. Though I can't yet name it I know it is from my childhood and the endless rejection by my parents. I remembered how so often as an adult I longed to pick up the phone and call my mother. That feeling came today instinctively when the old pain began rising. I remembered how I would long to call my mother while she was living but knowing there was no point. She would have no interest, no concern, no tenderness, no soothing. Knowing that,I wouldn't call but the longing for MOTHERING has never gone away.
Stay with me. This process is slow.
