Tips for Boosting Self Esteem

[Twoapenny]

I've been thinking today about what I feel I need to have in my life to feel happy/content, what makes for a good life, I suppose.  So far I have got:

Good friends/healthy relationships
Having fun
Helping other people
Being appreciative
Keeping the body active
Healthy eating
Living in nice surroundings
Earning money in an enjoyable way

Good friends/healthy relationships - well, we all know my struggles with that!  I have got some very good friends but I do tend to over focus on the not so good ones.  I think I need to really work on my need to be 'liked' and thought well of by everybody, and sort of being all things to all people.  I am getting there slowly, but I want to try very hard to keep my attention on the good people I know and perhaps trying to reach out a bit more to try new things/places in an effort to get to know some more people.  I do realise now my low feelings about myself mean I don't often approach other people or initiate conversation unless I'm forced to (ie one of those difficult situations where you're in an enclosed space with someone and it's more difficult to avoid talking than it is to talk).  I did spend some time yesterday planning some trips and days out over the summer and I have got a couple of social things coming up in the next few weeks so steps in the right direction, I think.

Having fun - now this I really struggle with and you'd think that would be easy!  When I was younger I was always drunk, high or stoned and that was how I enjoyed myself, so I never really got to know what I like to do.  I didn't stop all of that until my boy came along so everything since then has had to be done within the confines of the home or cheap enough to enable me to pay a babysitter so I do feel a bit stuck as to what I really enjoy so I think I'm going to have to try lots of things and see which ones I really like and which I'm just doing to fill in the time.

Helping other people - well I do that too much so I think I need to find some sort of voluntary work so that I can help people but also be reined in when necessary, plus I'd be helping people who actually need/want help rather than just running around after people when I shouldn't be.

Being appreciative - I do need to work harder at this as I do tend to see negatives and gloss over good bits.  I do meet some lovely people from time to time who are just kind, friendly, helpful and so on so I need to focus on that more and also, I think make more of an effort to tell my very good friends what very good friends they are.

Keeping the body active - well I did some yoga this morning and I ache all over now!  I am busy during the day but not usually with things that I really enjoy so I think I need to find some new places to walk with my son and try to do some yoga more often.

Healthy eating - I do struggle, I am a biscuit monster but I have tried very hard over the weekend and have done pretty well, I think, so I think I just need to keep working on trying to find other ways to comfort myself instead of stuffing my face.

Living in nice surroundings - well my house is as nice as it can be but obviously I don't like the area and want to move, there isn't a huge amount I can do about that at the minute so I will just have to keep focusing on that changing and be ready for it when it happens!

Earning money in an enjoyable way - well that is a very tricky one for me, I am going to have to give that some thought and see what pops up but I think that's probably a really big conundrum for most people these days, we all need cash but very few get up in the morning delighted about the day ahead of them so I will have to put my thinking cap on there.

Anyway I think that's enough for now, that is plenty to be getting on with!

[Twoapenny]

Something funny has happened (funny in a good way), whether these things are linked or not I don't know but I will explain what's been going on.

I have been meditating on and off for a while now, have enjoyed it and found it helpful.  A few days ago I did a meditation on finding your soul mate, just a short one I found on YouTube.  I've been single for a very long time and as I'm trying to boost myself a bit now I thought this would be interesting to meditate on.

It's a guided meditation so you're talked into a state of relaxation and then you're asked to visualise various things, at which point you're supposed to sense your soul mate nearby; you might not be able to see them but you're on a beach, it's all very relaxing and so on.  I saw not my soul mate but my step-dad, and I had an overwhelming urge (within the meditation) to beat, torture and kill him.  I let my imagination do what it wanted; it was very violent, unpleasant and really not at all characteristic of me and the sort of thing I usually find quite frightening but I just went with it.  As the meditation finished I found I was smiling and feeling very content and calm.  I decided not to let this worry me; it's an imaginative act in my mind and has no bearing on my real life and my behaviour day to day, so I just got on with my day as usual.

Since then, however, I have felt as though some sort of obstacle or blockage has been lifted.  I've felt calmer than I have in many, many years - I am on tablets for stress at the moment so obviously they have a calming effect anyway but this feels like something deeper than that - and I've felt more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin.  I've also found, bizarrely, that my phone has been ringing frequently; I can go more than a week at a time without the phone ringing at all which is something that always makes me feel very lonely so this flurry of activity is unusual.  I also decided to give online dating a go again and have had some very nice chats with some nice people - no smut or hook ups (a couple have asked but I just said no thanks and they've left me alone) and one chap in particular seems very nice and I've said I will meet him for a drink.

It almost feels as if the spectre of my step-dad has finally been moved in some way.  Very strange, I don't know what to make of it but anyway, thought I would write it up here before it gets lost in the sea of day to day activity again.

[lighter]

What an uplifting post, Tupp.

About the visualizing things that are scary, but need to be felt, and dealt with.....

I know just what you mean.

::nodding::

I'm also experiencing the phone ringing, with many folks reaching out to me, which is a definite shift I attribute to my energy too.   Funny it's happening for both of us at the same time.....  mine started about 2 weeks ago.

I had 2 groups of folks ask to visit this past weekend, and it was......

nice. 

Honestly, I can't think of anything negative... it was all positive, with me handling things (that might have been a bit bothersome/awkward) with calm assertiveness, which is new  for me.  SO freeing to shed feelings of obligation to manage anyone elses feelings....  I just focus on my own, and resist jumping in where I end and others begin.

Truth be told, I did jump a couple of times, and noted very clearly that it was a mistake, which drove the lessons home, rather than creating shame.  Still learning, and trying to be very patient and calm with myself while doing it; )

((((Tupp))))

You sound great: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

What an uplifting post, Tupp.

About the visualizing things that are scary, but need to be felt, and dealt with.....

I know just what you mean.

::nodding::

I'm also experiencing the phone ringing, with many folks reaching out to me, which is a definite shift I attribute to my energy too.   Funny it's happening for both of us at the same time.....  mine started about 2 weeks ago.

I had 2 groups of folks ask to visit this past weekend, and it was......

nice. 

Honestly, I can't think of anything negative... it was all positive, with me handling things (that might have been a bit bothersome/awkward) with calm assertiveness, which is new  for me.  SO freeing to shed feelings of obligation to manage anyone elses feelings....  I just focus on my own, and resist jumping in where I end and others begin.

Truth be told, I did jump a couple of times, and noted very clearly that it was a mistake, which drove the lessons home, rather than creating shame.  Still learning, and trying to be very patient and calm with myself while doing it; )

((((Tupp))))

You sound great: )

Lighter

Oh wow Lighter that's so cool that it's happening to you too!  I am noticing I can be more detached and see my actions/reactions as they are rather than feeling negative about them; as you say, without shame.  I tried the internet dating again; I noticed I tend to want to approach men who I immediately feel are better than me and who live a lifestyle that is completely incompatible with mine.  So I've very deliberately made myself chat with 'normal' men; I think it's the fear of getting close to someone that makes me reach out for people who really aren't suitable.  I've had some lovely conversations and found I've enjoyed myself; I also saw someone on there who I went out with over twenty years ago, contacted him and we've just had a nice chat on the phone.  How funny that a similar thing is happening to both of us, there must be something in the air!  I just feel more like a human being than someone who is pretending to be one, if that makes any sense?  Some of the background voices have stopped and that constant negative echo isn't as strong as it used to be.

Here's to good times and enjoying them when they happen xx

[Hopalong]

I just feel more like a human being than someone who is pretending to be one, if that makes any sense?  Some of the background voices have stopped and that constant negative echo isn't as strong as it used to be.

Absolute WOWness, Tupp. WOWzatude! WOWzerama!

Oh so pleased to read this.

hugs,
Hops

[Ales2]

Good for you...

Is it possible you can post the link, I would like to try it.  There is one woman here in LA that completely changed my attitude towards dating and meeting someone, and in the year after I read her book and took her visioning classes, I met someone who I dated for a year. It was a wonderful year but did not last.

Her name is Kathryn Alice and the book is called - Love will find you. She has a very interesting section on emotional healing, which bothered me alot when I first read it, which was a year before I figured out my Mother is a Narcissist. Turns out alot of the issues I dealt with were covered there before I really knew or understood them. She also has videos on Youtube that are very helpful.

 



 

[lighter]

Tupp:

Every time I shift into observation mode, I have this clear recollection of Hops explaining same, more than once I'm sure, and it helps me. 

It helps me find comfort in the unfamiliar feelings, and discomfort of letting things be, and every time I do it I get more comfortable. 

Thank you, Hops: )  You've been teaching lessons on this board for years.... so many, and they help.  Some people say things so others can digest and absorb the message.  You're one of those; )

Awww.... I suddenly miss CB.


((((Hops))))

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Oh, gee, Lighter. 
I miss CB too...nobody wiser ever. Or kinder.

(I do repeat my stories...)

 

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Good for you...

Is it possible you can post the link, I would like to try it.  There is one woman here in LA that completely changed my attitude towards dating and meeting someone, and in the year after I read her book and took her visioning classes, I met someone who I dated for a year. It was a wonderful year but did not last.

Her name is Kathryn Alice and the book is called - Love will find you. She has a very interesting section on emotional healing, which bothered me alot when I first read it, which was a year before I figured out my Mother is a Narcissist. Turns out alot of the issues I dealt with were covered there before I really knew or understood them. She also has videos on Youtube that are very helpful.

 


Hi Ales

This is the one I was using that day:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6cMyA5S0NA

I hope I've done that right but if there's a problem it's by Jason Stephenson and it's called Attracting Your Soulmate, Guided Meditation to Find a Girlfriend or Boyfriend.  I've tried a few of his meditations and I really like them; I find his voice soothing, his choice of music works well for me and I find the pictures that he creates in my mind are very comforting.

It's funny you mentioning a book that bothered you in the past; I've just dug one out that I couldn't get on with at all when I read it a few years back but now it makes so much more sense, I suppose we just need to be at the right point when we try these things.
 

[Twoapenny]

I just feel more like a human being than someone who is pretending to be one, if that makes any sense?  Some of the background voices have stopped and that constant negative echo isn't as strong as it used to be.

Absolute WOWness, Tupp. WOWzatude! WOWzerama!

Oh so pleased to read this.

hugs,
Hops

Aw thanks Hops, I have deflated a little bit over the last day or so but I think that's what I need to get my head around, no-one walks on air all the time and life can and does go through difficult/trying/boring/unfulfilling stages, I think we just need enough good bits to make that okay don't we?  Thank you x

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

Every time I shift into observation mode, I have this clear recollection of Hops explaining same, more than once I'm sure, and it helps me. 

It helps me find comfort in the unfamiliar feelings, and discomfort of letting things be, and every time I do it I get more comfortable. 

Thank you, Hops: )  You've been teaching lessons on this board for years.... so many, and they help.  Some people say things so others can digest and absorb the message.  You're one of those; )

Awww.... I suddenly miss CB.


((((Hops))))

Lighter

Yes, ditto that, Lighter, Hops is a very wise and caring soul, as are others on here.  It's funny but I have very vivid pictures in my mind of what you all look like, how you speak, what your homes are like and so on, probably nothing like the reality!  But it's funny how we create pictures in our heads of people, but I do hear your voices in my mind when things are happening, good and bad, I can hear the advice and words of support and it's really so good.  I remember years ago when I first started therapy and I realised how surrounded I was by negative people, gossip, slander, malice, and what I found scary about trying to avoid it was that without that there was just silence.  It's taken so many years to fill that void with better sounds and it's so easy (for me, anyway) to fall back into those old patterns when I'm struggling to cope.  It does make me think it's so important to try and say something nice or constructive/supportive to people when you can, it might be the only good thing they hear all day, you just don't know, do you?

[Twoapenny]

Have struggled a little bit the last couple of days but I think that is what happens when you are learning/practising a new skill, peaks and troughs and all that!

I've been worrying about getting some work done on my van.  I went to a mechanic who had been recommended by a friend, who has turned out to be a terrible mechanic and has done a bad job on the van.  My regular garage told me to take it back to him to get him to put right what he'd done wrong and it was booked in for today, and I have been worrying about it all the while.

I don't like confrontation and the thought of having to tell him he did a bad job and he had to put it right has been bothering me.  I've also been worrying about the friend who made the recommendation feeling bad about referring me to someone who gives bad service and about the mechanic doing a bad job again and making the situation worse.  It's also a difficult place to get to logistically and I have been worrying about my son having to cope with another long journey by public transport when we drop the van off and pick it up again, and that it might need to all be done again if he messes up a second time.

I think that's why I've been crotchety the last couple of days and I have realised that, for some reason, when I'm worried I don't consciously worry about the thing that's actually bothering me, I pick away at myself, my weight, my appearance, all the things I do wrong and so on.  I hadn't really noticed that before so I'm going to have to work on that a bit and try and get to the heart of the worry rather than dismantling myself!

Anyway, I have cancelled the booking, I decided I would rather pay my regular garage, who are very good, to do the work again properly than risk messing about with this guy again in the hope of saving a few pounds so I've cancelled.  Have nagging feelings of offending/inconveniencing him, my friend and the garage I will ask to sort it all out but I think with this sort of thing I will just have to keep muddling through and eventually one day I won't worry about everyone else so much?

Equally I've been contacted by all of the friends I fell out with over my son's birthday in the last couple of days.  I think they all talk about me and make a group decision to get in touch, it just seems too much of a coincidence that I hear nothing for weeks and then they all contact me in the space of two days.  It has left me feeling unsettled, as have comments about how they haven't seen me for ages and they have presents for my son.  It feels manipulative and unhelpful; my point, as I've explained over and over again, is that they need to make the effort to come to me some of the time and none of them do and as that situation hasn't changed neither have my feelings.  I've been polite, replied to their texts but explained I am busy and can't see them.  I'm not getting drawn into going over it all again and I don't want them in my life any more; I don't want bad feeling but neither do I want to be around them.  I've stuck to my guns but feel unsettled.

I got upset about both of my sisters yesterday; the one I have recently fallen out with because I do miss her and I do want her in my life, but I want us to be friends and equals, not the way things are which is I'm just there when she wants something.  I don't think she can/will do anything to change that so I will have to let that be which makes me feel sad.  Perhaps it will change in the future, who knows but for now I feel a bit empty and let down.

My younger sister was rushed to hospital, thankfully is alright now but I found myself getting angry about her partner; she's pregnant with their fourth child, very unwell and he does nothing around the house, won't cook, walk the dog, do laundry or anything like that.  She sounded so ill when I spoke to her this morning and yet is telling me she can't rest because no-one else will do anything and I found myself getting angry and having to bite my tongue.  I just see that legacy of 'I'm not good enough' being repeated and passed on to the children, no doubt.  There's nothing I can do; practically I live too far away to help but I also feel it should be her partner who rolls his sleeves up (and the two older children) but I know my 'sticking my nose in' tendency isn't helpful so I am being careful about what I say.  But food for thought and it upset me a bit.

Anyway - moving onwards.  All of this has been going on against the backdrop of the internet dating and I noticed how differently I felt about that because I didn't feel so good in myself.  Peaks and troughs, I am keeping on keeping on but feel tired today and could do with a beautiful beach and lots of lovely kind people around me x

[Twoapenny]

Internet dating is revealing a lot of my insecurities, my need to please and my need to create a scenario in my head that everyone has to fit into.  I have been chatting to one guy who seems nice; he asked if I fancied meeting for a drink, I said yes and gave him my number and have yet to hear any more.  To me that seems odd; I'd have arranged something but I am having to remind myself that people do things in different ways but I find it really difficult not to read a million things into anything.  Anyway - I would like to meet him, he seems nice but I am aware how disappointed I will be if he turns out to be very different to the way I imagine him; I think that's why I like to meet fairly quickly so that there isn't too much time to build an unrealistic picture in my head.

An ex boyfriend got in touch; I toyed with the idea of meeting him for a drink and then received a smutty text from him.  There was a time I'd have responded in kind; I'd have felt obliged to and would have worried about appearing prudish if I didn't.  This time I thought 'urgh' and deleted it.  He's messaged again since and I've ignored him.

Other than that I'm finding very few men are approaching me and the ones that are want sex.  I feel on the one hand that I want to wait and see how the one I like the sound of turns out; on the other I'm already feeling a bit bored that nothing else has happened there so feel I might want to cast my net a little bit.  I'd like to have some fun.  It would just be exciting to be planning a date and deciding what to wear and so on.

[Twoapenny]

We went to a street market today just by chance as we saw it when we were driving somewhere else, had a bit of a wander round and then spotted a stall that was recruiting volunteers to help with a charity that supports homeless veterans.  Homelessness is something that I feel very strongly about, particularly when it comes about through health problems as is often the case with members of the armed forces so I had a chat with the lady and there are things my son and I could get involved in.  It was very nice, I've been wanting to find something to get involved with and this seems like a good opportunity so I'm looking forward to finding out more.

On a funny note, driving home there were lots of people out and about and they kept waving to us.  I was waving back, thinking that the sunshine had put everyone in a good mood, before I discovered that there's a vintage vehicle rally on today and our van is so old everyone thought we were part of the procession

[lighter]

What a lovely day, Tupp

Finding a volunteer opportunity sounds like a wonderful thing.  When my 15yo gets back home she'll be required to find something that appeals to her.  I'm guessing she'll choose the Manna Food bank, which my neighbor volunteers at weekly, so she could go with her to take me out of the loop, in case there's resistance..... always thinking ahead.

I don't know anything about volunteering to help Vets in homeless situations.  Our school used to put on shows at the VA, which is a very tame affair requiring no more than determining who had teeth enough to handle cookies or donuts, patting arms, listening to stories and thanking brave men for their service.  The missing limbs, and sad eyes make me weak, and weepy.  I'm not good with medical stuff.  You're a giant, Tupp. 

I guess you'd be working with Vets in shelter situations?

The journey continues,
Lighter