How cosmic is this?

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I'm more & more convinced that God or the Universe has a really sick sense of humor & irony.

There is a mystery in how/why (and it's not just unconscious motivation on our part) - long after we've dealt with our issues and moved on - there is at least one "echo" experience, where instead of being one of the main characters in the narrative plot - we're actually standing just enough outside of it to see the horror of it, but not succumb to it.

Sounds like this is your opportunity to take a step back from it. So you DON'T relive ALL of what you've already settled once & for all, again. Maybe it's a "test"... or a "proof"... that we learned the lessons inherent in that experience and have refined "us" to the point, that (as Mike was wont to say) it's just like water off a duck's back.

I think you "got this". And you know, you could start scheduling another patient into your calendar now; a few days anyway. So that you could smile sweetly in response to one of his demands and simply say: "Sorry, I'm not available that day". There are 2 ends to the chain he's trying to jerk you around with, ya know? Once he learns he must negotiate instead of command... he MIGHT start getting a clue. But I wouldn't count on it.

[lighter]

Hops:

If you stick with this lesson, and don't try to force your way into being productive or focused on other things to feel better..... what happens next for you?

You don't feel like everything's OK now, and that's OK. 

Just stick with observing yourself in this lesson.... what comes next?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I've been looking for opportunities with some of the elders I meet. I need one or two more clients to earn what I'll need to, to get by okay. I'm not broadcasting my little flyer en masse, but now and then when I encounter a person I'll just give them one. It's a friendly, no-hype flyer with the header: How may I help? (I put a funny picture of me on a swing at the top...white hair flying...just to convey some personality. Then some bullet points about the things I can help with (non-medical and non-heavy-lifting)--shopping, sorting, tea & company, driving, light cooking, etc. A woman (80) who'd asked me to come into her apartment and help her open a window a week or so back called and I met with her today. She is I think the loneliest person I have ever met. No family, chronic bone disease, and a blunt (but not nasty) personality that seems not to mesh with the bridge-playing ladies who lunch at the facility. So much pain.

I just said I'd come and encourage her, help her with her closet sort and unpacking things she wants to get done, and walk her little dog (who seemed equally desperate for company). We're going to try once a week and see how it goes. I told her, you can change your mind at any time for any reason, and that is just fine. She had trouble letting me leave. Wrung my heart. But with her, unlike my gent, I felt a sense of purpose.

So I'm feeling better about the prospects of this PT thing actually working out. The downside is it can be challenging to schedule these folks around their meals, naps, and whatnots. I really really want to develop a routine where my writing is happening regularly. But I'm feeling that maybe if I take one day at a time and have some positive thoughts and a little faith, it may actually work out pretty well.

(I was in a depression trough last week or so -- as you could probably tell from my posts or lack of them -- but I'm talking to my MD tomorrow. It may be time for another round of Rx, though I've been very happy to be off them for about 15 years now. We'll see.) I feel better today because I've taken action and seem to be out of the stupor.

love
Hops

[Hopalong]

Might have another client, which would help as the first gent is feeling better and has reduced my hours. This is a couple, who live in one of the fanciest places. They're nice. He's 92 but the person needing some company is his wife, 84, who's broken her shoulder (poor thing, obviously in real pain, which is hard to see). He is still quite mobile and active and has things to do and meetings to go to, etc, but doesn't want her to be alone--very concerned about her falling again. She is lovely but has early dementia--nothing startling except that her short-term memory is failing (so there'll be lots of repeating...I'm easy with that).

They're both very bright, accomplished and interesting. Waiting to see what kind of schedule they'd like. I'm glad about this. As long as I can limit the PT work to afternoons, and work on my awful circadian/sleep delay thing...maybe I'll be able to claim mornings for writing. The biggest downside is I never want to get out of bed. Soooooooooo not a morning person.

One day at a time.

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I have it in my mind that I'm not a morning person either. I'm "retired" and if I don't want to get dressed till 10, so what?

And then, I have one of those days when I go to bed around 8:30-9, to indulge in some cozy reading... the eyes close automatically... and next thing I know I'm up around 5 or 6 am, same as if I was working. And I've had one of those blessed 8 hrs of sleep nights too.

Mike never understood my need to sleep that long. He was always a 4 hrs a night person. Even at the beach. But being able to give this to myself has helped in lots of small subtle ways, get me back to a balance again. But I'm starting to notice I need a little more structure now, too. A general schedule - not written in stone - so I'm devoting time across several things I'm working on.

[lighter]

I'm glad you have pt work brewing, Hops.

In the meantime...... try to enjoy the time you spend in bed.  Really sink into it, and roll around happily snugging into the next perfectly comfortable spot. 

Light

[Hopalong]

Thanks, guys. Really am grateful you're willing to listen to the step by step as I ease into this new way of making my way, so to speak.

Today was nice--first meeting with the lonely (but blunt and open, which I actually appreciate) 80 y/o woman. We took her car and drove out of town a little way to deliver her tax info to the woman who does it, then on the way back she craved a pizza and though she had in mind the usual chain in a horrid mall-like location, I persuaded her to try a small detour to a local place (which I knew was good)...and she enjoyed it a lot. Devoured half a small pizza, talked a lot, and encouraged me to enjoy a beer (which I did! but paid for myself). Took her home and on my own time, walked her little dog...who is desperate for exercise, she's part whippet.

We enjoyed each other's company and it felt like a good situation. Said farewell smiling. I'll go there weekly for a couple hours and I know it'll help her. And, her check helps me. Boy, did she have a very painful life...such stories. Glad I could listen and be a set of compassionate ears.

My original elder-employer drove today and was very proud of himself. I'm still going to talk about the ethics of it with the assoc. minister but for now, I've released it. I will be haunted forever if he kills somebody though.

Tomorrow I go to work for the new couple. Looking forward to that too.

I actually think this work is going to work! My hourly pay is quite solid and it's NOT writing about stuff I don't care about to make other people rich. It's just about people.

(GeNt just called me because he often misses calls and thinks it was me...which it wasn't. Told him, "That's okay...drink some water, and I'll see you tomorrow.")

 

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I think older people are really really hungry for connection with others. Not "needy", or having someone "do for them"... but someone who will listen, just be there and are open to their humanity; acknowledgement. They'll all have their different habits about it I guess.

You might be doing research for another book here, Hops. I'll bet they all have stories to tell - and they'll appreciate you haven't heard them 10 times yet.

[lighter]

OK....

I'm havin'a thought here.....

STAY in bed in the morning,
but WRITE.

::nodding::

And congrats on getting work lined up.  That was quick: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Things are much better with my work.
GeNt is now driving himself (aaggh) so I'm working for him about 8 hours a week rather than the 20 preceding his heart procedure. I'm sorry about less money --still looking for new clients and getting the occasional one-off job--but things are calmer for now. (He IS 92 so things will change in time.) And, it's also better because I have found a better balance of assertiveness (or avoidance) when he's being pissy. I gradually sense a kind of affectioN coming from him that I didn't perceive before (and in my own way, I have some fondness for him as well). When I come while he's out he complains. When I come when he's there he complains. Better to have him miss me, as then he's nicer the next time!

It's likely because right now I'm the most reliable person in his life who deals with his reality (not his posturing). He's exhibiting more tolerance and I've had more practice deflecting some of his nonsense. I've also learned that just accepting his irrationality at times makes more sense than debating it.

I also have a new LOVELY client twice a month...an 80 y/o old woman with lots of medical issues and pain, but who still has all her marbles, and is just lovely. Motherly, kind, considerate to a fault. She is a pleasure to be around. And, a few other calls are coming in, sometimes for just a session or two.

I'm still at half the hours I need to feel financially safe but I do have leads...a friend is going to introduce me to her friend at a ritzy facility, and we'll ask if she'd pass my flyer to any friends there she hears expressing a need for some help, etc. Another friend just suggested today that I take my flyer to the office of a wealthy church nearby. I never thought of that but it's a great idea.

So, with spring, and possibilities, I'm feeling pretty good! Sleep is better, health is better.

And just in case I've never mentioned this....I HAVE THE CUTEST DOG IN TOWN. Did I mention that? Are you sure? Probably forgot to tell you, silly me. SERIOUSLY. She is so cute she stops traffic! Well, pedestrian traffic.

[Twoapenny]

Aw Hops!  She is just the cutest!  Wow, no wonder people want to pet her, she's adorable

I'm glad your lady client sounds nice and that you seem to be managing Mr Grumpy!  And that there are new leads coming up and that things just seem to be ticking over.  That was very nice to read

[Hopalong]

Dadgummit! I've saved it as a smaller file and it's only 20.2 mb but the dang pic won't attach.

Anybody understand this stuff?

Hops

[Hopalong]

Oh. Wait. That's KB it wants...oops.

[lighter]

Can you take another pic of your pooch with your phone, send it to your e mail, then attach it to a post?

I so want to see your pooch: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Got a 'puter design friend on the case, to reduce the size.
Next week, shall probably happen!

xo
Hops