Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

I hear you, Lighter.
For me the issues (getting surprisingly easier) are more about my privileged choices than supply. But I entirely agree with you that quality is VERY problematic in America and I grieve most for folks in food deserts.

I searched for AGES for the purest food I can find, and even pay (on SS) Whole Foods prices for better-quality stuff. I remember my hunt for jam w/o sugar (Bionaturale is a good compromise) and PB the same. Finally found those. Once I actually GO to our busy farmers' market, my choices will expand.

My neighbor three doors up is selling backyard eggs now. "Out of Stock" sign on her little front-yeard kiosk goes up often -- her little flock is young and not very busy yet. But I also love hearing her goofy rooster at 3pm.

The smoothies when I remember (make 5 at a time and freeze 4) are powerful. Protein is a challenge but since I still eat fish, I get by. Pea protein is better than whey. What amazes me about what one eats is how instantly one feels it. Powerful.

hugs
Hops

Here's the "anxiety interview" with Adam Lambert I mentioned. He surprised me!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npA94B71jAE

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad you've got over the Covid again, Lighter, it seems to be very widespread here again.  It's very difficult when you can still pick it up so easily, not least because the symptoms (initially at least) are so similar to so many other bugs and viruses.  I'm glad it didn't wipe you out.

I echo what Hops says about food; it's hard to find stuff that hasn't been messed about with too much and hard (in my opinion) to have enough time and/or storage space to buy, prep, keep in the freezer and so on.  I guess we all muddle through as best we can.  I don't know specifics about additives or preservatives but I do have a couple of friends whose bloating and irritable tummy stuff after eating bread stopped when they started making their own.  Presumably there's something in shop bought bread that didn't agree with them.  It's having the time to do it that becomes problematic, in my experience.

You are so busy with all your different projects, adding food sourcing and prep into that must be very hard.  And sometimes you do just want a pile of something you know isn't good for you.  It's a funny relationship we have with food, for sure.  I'm glad everything is swimming along with all the different refurb/managing projects (and the Halloween prep!  I'm not sure if they're big on Halloween here, am going to have to ask about a bit).

[lighter]

The Covid wasn't too bad..... got a cough aftewards and it's just now releasing it's grip.  I think my sister got it at the wedding, bc I seem to be a few days behind her in symptoms.  I think today might be the first day with under 10 coughing fits.  Exhausting and the Covid left me a bit.....fatigued, if I'm being honest.

The food..... the food.  I've been too busy to worry about it.  Not eating that well, but doing what I can.  Chic-Fil-A  salads on the road with roasted chicken.... lots of beautiful food when wer'e cooking.  Just made white bean chicken chili this eveing and big beautiful salads with pear.  My feet hurt a bit from all the stairs and imprefect food choices, but those are choices I make.

When the pain increases, I focus on eating cleaner, for sure.  It's the same with the 49yo journeyman, his wife, my sister and his MIL.  We feel the weight of our food choices physically, so we try harder to make good choices... not just for ourselves,but each other too.

Journeyman has had both hips replaced, a stroke, struggles with contraction in his fingers and an autoimmune disorder...... the only reason he's alive is bc he figured out food and committed to healing himself when docs failed.

I know better. I wish it was easier to eat better all the time.... but it's not.  I 'm not sure how much whole/clean food is available, frankly.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

COWS, Lighter, Crisis of The Week.  Yes, I don't know if I missed that earlier post you made or read it without taking it in but yes, the big change for us since moving here is the lack of crisis around us.  I haven't had to deal with drama after drama after drama.  And having that pause and that space - makes it easier to decide whether a crisis is a crisis, if it's our crisis, if it's a crisis we need to deal with or if it's one we can let uncrisis itself without needing to do anything.  That's an interesting change for me.  I know you've talked for a long time about that difference between reacting and responding and I understood it in my head, but it still wasn't happening for me.  My nervous system was still doing its own thing, regardless of anything I did.

Journeyman sounds like bionic man   I think my concern with food and clean/prescriptive eating is that it can teeter into disordered eating without really noticing.  I'm trying my best with it at the moment but I don't want it to become another thing I stress over.  Throughout my life food has been a source of comfort to me, and also a way I demonstrated being a good mum?  I've cooked this from scratch, you can't criticise me now.  Difficult, isn't it, to get the balance right.  I hope the pain and Covid related stuff clears up a bit.  Touch wood we've avoided it again at the moment, I've had my jabs again and son's are due end of the month.  I'm stocking up on tins next week in case we get a 'can't leave the house' situation.  But trying mostly to avoid it, I don't want it again, mildly or otherwise.  I hope you can avoid it, it must be harder for you because of all the different projects and people around you, multiplied for each lovely D as well xx

[lighter]

Reovery from Covid, this time, was a bit slow.  I could feel the fatigue.... deep and sometimes painful in my right thigh, just hanging on and on.  I still feel like a tiny mule kicked me in the leg..... just very odd and makes me want to get my stamina back up.

I wish you and DS the luck of avoidance... for sure.  It seems my cousins and brother and sister are all getting it lately.  My brother got it while traveling in Alaska and the hospital charged him over 4,000,00 for a half hour visit... crazy!

As for my respond vs react abilities.... today was a tough one.  Partially bc the journeyman;s wife left yesterday and partically bc I have to DO MATH figuring out the basement kitchen cabinet arrangement with repurposed cabinets.... it makes me want to weep just thinking about it now and I went out to buy trim and outlets, a tile cutter and light fixtures for 6 hours, so I had a good sized break.

Math.  Grrrr.

OK, so the wife is gone and that set my teeth on edge to be alone with the journeyman...... truthfully he resembles the crazy contractor a bit AND tends to sit down if I'm not working alongside him, so.... it's a LOT of together time for this introvert.   

The math blew a fuse in my ability to be responsive and all morning I was reactive..... if j went into the bathroom I'd just used..... it BUGGED ME.  If he sat down and looked at his phone.... it BUGGED ME.  Even if I knew he was looking up directions for laying a herringbone pattern LVP floor.... I was bugged bc it's taking him forever and he's pulling it back apart then putting it back together and I guess I'll just pull him off it tomorrow and focus myself and HIM on things we move through quickly and with purpose. 

No more spinning and falling, nose on the pebble, like today.  It was a huge lesson for me....... self care..... notice when I'm not feeling centered..... take a break and get centered....... redirect him/j  to things he's familiar with. 

And even if he/j dioes get too familiar.... I'd handle it, likely with scathing humor, but I'd handle it.  If he walks away, which he'd have to do sicne he has no vehicle..... I;d figure this thing out with the new journeyman.  J hans't been too familiar,btw..... but I can feel he likes me a lot and I'm not going to live in fear he'll do somethng stupid.  He might, but hasn't yet.  There it is.  I'm 20 years older than him this is going tobefineI tellya but he said I was "very datable" and I think that kicked this off bc he didn't say it till his wife was gone, darnit. 

::smoothing pajamas::..

Removing the fear...... trusting I'll keep myself safe.......doing what I can...... taking tme for self care, despite the little losses in J's productivity.... all very necessary.

I miss my girls..... want to be with them..... feel guilty being gone so long.  It's a weighty thing to balance getting these projects done and being there for them, in person, during these years before they have lives of their own elsewhere. 

The weather is Halloween perfect..... just cool and breezy and sunny at the same time.  No bugs.  I made sure to line up several outdoor projects over the next few days.  I can feel myself slipping back into creative flow again. 

The Nervous System has it's own time table, IME.  Two steps forward, one step back, IME.

I hope you're enjoying lovely fall weather too, Tupp.

Lighter

[lighter]

Had a great next day and night of work at lake house after the rough day and night.  Contractor gets moody when his wife travels and she travels quite a bit, apparently.  I now ignore every mood twinge he has and stop it from spiraling my Nervous System into it's own nightmare of what ifs.

And that was a very good reminder of how familiar waters reminds my little reptilian brain it's in DANGEROUS waters if I don't catch it and kill it. 

My brother sent a nearby farmer over to help move tractors out of the way of the kitchen cabinets and trailer I need to move them back to the house.  Got about 1/3 moved yesterday.  Farmer coming to help move the rest after he cuts down a tree.

Contractor still sitting on his phone whenever I'm not working next to him, which is more puzzling than anything, bc there have been 2 times where he just peeled off and DID big projects while I stayed busy on my own.  He can do it.  He just doesn't most of the time.

Hops:  I have a new firepit on the backporch... one of those smokes less jobbies and it's fantastik..... put a grill over it and cooked out too.  Burned charcoal and some non treated wood contractor cut up, along with twigs from the yard.  Was a happy thing.

I'll end this post with another happy thing.  I found an electric smoker, an old cowboy belt buckle of my grandfather's a light up beer clock with a buffalo on it and assorted familar things like the old orange tape dispenser I remember from my Grandmother's desk on the sleeping porch which says "We grow too soon old und too late shmart" with little German looking blue flowers.

The weather is GLORIOUS so the windows are all open and the sun is holding court in a completely blue sky!

Owls, bats and hawks are abundant around here, btw.  And deer.

Lighter

[lighter]

I've learned so much from reading board members' posts and experiences.... particularly the ones where we're saying similar or same things in different ways.  It gives me helpful perspective and I appreciate it a lot today.

I'm moving through activities while wishing I had solutions for something creating anxiety..... trying to find a way to remember what's important BEFORE there's regret, kwim?

What's really important.... what matters?  What will I feel truly matters in 10 years... after all the choices have been made and all is done?

If I make decisions based on what I want to accomplish.....
f I base my decisions on the outcome I desire.....
decisions get easier, sometimes become very obvious.

Today I found clarity and it's never been this easy to find before....
 around the thing I'm wrestling with, which is FOO based, of course.

I've tried to sit in gentle awareness..... or get back to it..... while navigating what usually comes back to struggle accepting something I can't change.

It's difficult to drop ego..... I mean.... really really difficult.  There's so much dopamine involved, IME.  It's a pattern.... an unconsious way of being.... to default to ego, IME.

It's an instant reality check, IME.

And I can't control what others are going to feel, say or do.  That should be easy enough to accept, but keeps throwing me into future upset and I'll focus on putting that down and not picking it back up.  What will it feel like to just not experience future fear ever again?

Life, clarity and consistently gratifying choices
OR
fearing into the future and regret.

Yup.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Nice thinking going on there, Ms. L!

What's really important.... what matters?  What will I feel truly matters in 10 years... after all the choices have been made and all is done?

This reminded me of the saw: On their deathbed, nobody ever, ever says, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." (In your case...what would the "office" be?)

I can't control what others are going to feel, say or do.  That should be easy enough to accept, but keeps throwing me into future upset

Never mind the "should" -- lots of people have control issues and it's wonderful that you know this about yourself. You may work on it for a long time, but it'll bear fruit.

hugs and kudos,
Hops

[lighter]

It's weird.... I don't know what my office is, Hops.

Maybe I have an idea, but will have to give it some thought.

It's really lovely here today.  Cool and breezy for the start of Halloween decorating!  And it's clowns and dolls again this year. 

My Cousin's coming with her dh from out of State....  mainly to visit one of the biggest tourist attractions around here.... 10 minutes from the house. 

They're getting a two'fer with it being Halloween.  Cousin is terrified of Clowns, btw.

Lighter

[lighter]

Last night youngest DD attended a masquerade ball and wore a dress I purchased when she was maybe a year old.  It still had the tags on it..... picture a gold silk slinky gown with 4 feet of silk dragging the ground.  Very 1940's..... German night club.  It draped so beautifully..... was cut for a woman's body by someone who knew what they were doing. 

She had over the elbow white gloves, Grandma J's rhinestones everywhere and a cool updo.  The event was packed and the ticket was a little bag of bobbles, beads and gems for votes, drinks and assorted other things she hasn't told me about yet..... red contact lenses..... good fangs.  She made her mask, formed to her face and tied with gold ribbon.   Youth and oppulence walking.  It felt very strange to see her in that dress.

The Covid drought is officially over in this house, not gonna lie.

Lighter

[lighter]

The man who took our Belgian Malinous phoned to say O passed away and was creamated.  I didn't want any of the ashes, but I have his medical file for a farewell ritual... the rain made it safe for a bonfire.   O protected me and made it possible to sleep, even as he munched through childrens' toys and furniture.  He kept me safe.

I wish I'd kept O and stopped the foot traffic through the property.... it seemed so dangerous to me.... regrets and shame suck, but I didn't have the strength to deal wih his protectiveness and people's stupidity.... my mom had just passed away and I had children going into school.... a new house..... a renovation..... a move and new puppy.  OUCH. 

New puppy.... who loved O so so much. 

This sadness is heavy in my lungs.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Oh I so get pet regret.

I'm still occasionally grieving over Newdog, that tiny preggers pooch I fostered.
Miss her to this day!

O may have been loved and well cared for in his new circumstances, do you think? And we know he was when he was with you. All in all maybe a good-dog's life?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Oh, he had en entire pack of dogs to run and play with.... sleep with..... feel a part of, Hops.

He was better off there, for sure.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I hope you have a Merry Christmas, Lighter - despite the hauntings of old memories and current challenges! Just a peaceful, calm, happy time.

[lighter]

Challenges dropped away.....
cookie baking and decorating Hemlocks with birdseed peanut butter covered wreaths and pincecones filled the space.

We're having Eggs Benny, and French Toast with apple compote for brunch......fresh squeezed tangerine mimosas topping it off. 

All is well and I hope your Christmas and Winter Solstice are joyful too, ((Amber.))

Lighter