Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

You gave me homework, Hopsy!

Homework: )

Jotting this down, before I forget....

Observing myself as the observer......
mindfullness disolves te ego.

Background is self....
 foreground is the world. 

Be in the world.... not of the world.

I'll  revisit the poem on my walk, Hops.

IT's GLORIOUS out today!!!

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Everybody gawked at the nearly-impenetrable poem, as ever. What I love about these groups, though, is the love in the air. And although my readings selections drive some bats, they almost always respond wonderfully to my discussion topics. I try to be funny about it and it really is fun to introduce them to new poetry. All said they loved the session (it was my first time leading this group, we rotate.)

Inner Thresholds turned out well. They all shared stories and moments of new perception and change. The biggest challenge as a facilitator, for me, is encouraging them in an uncritical way to NOT spend their "check ins" on reciting two weeks' worth of events and activities, but on the INNER stuff. Meaning, look inward for HOW you are in this present moment and share from there...not just Ididthisorthatorplantodothisorthat. Even though for a covenant group those are good to hear about too, in brief, once we "light the chalice" and enter "sacred space" (I know, corny) the groups' goal is to deepen spiritual growth (also maybe corny) and tune into THAT kind of exploration. For a few, reporting on travel or family or busybusybusy everythings is too magnetic. (So I added, it's not about anything you'd report on social media, but about YOU.) For most though, when invited to focus on the deep self, it works.

[BTW, this ain't about HERE, where to-do's are interesting and good to read about!]

Lastly, I had a meeting with the minister and he asked me to update my 15 y/o lay "sermon" on the environment to give sometime this fall. I'm happy about that as it feels very similar to the oral tradition of poetry. And I get to pick readings for the service, too! LOL.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I read your poem just as you suggested and didn't have any response...... more of a choppy here, there and everywhere plopping of responses, forgetting one after the other. 

::sigh::

I'd love to hear you break it down and tell me what you got out of it and where it lead you. Likely, I'd be enthralled at all you find there.

I laughed when i read your group gawked at the poem.  A lot to take in, for sure.

Bet you're amazing oral poetry/sermon and leading groups to places they'd normally never go, Hops.

Thanks for shining a light down that Latest Quake path. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Reading this short description of him (Les) would be more interesting than reading me trying to break down something that's so mysterious, mystical, etc. I kind of read poetry with my gut over my intellect.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/les-murray

This poem was once published in the L.A. Times. Interesting.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

So the Cowboy neighbor has become delusional...... we used to chat about life, yard tools and mowers, but now he's acting like a little boss man in charge of ordering women around and that looks really crazy to read, I realize.

The thing is....he's actually ordered me not to speak..... ordered me to take off my sunglasses, bc "he feels he's being interrogated" and wants to just talk AT us, me and my sister and likely everyone he's in contact with, and his entire life is falling apart around him, bc he hasn't adjusted to being handicapped, having his wife become the primary breadwinner and him not getting the attention and admiration he had before be became deathly ill and lost an eye and muscles, etc.  It's very sad.

2 nights ago Cowboy called me at 11pm and I didn't answer.  He couldn't get an Uber from his office and wanted to go home, bc it was too cold to sleep on his office sofa.  He finally found a ride and found himself locked out of his home, almost fell, got caught in the rain trying to follow the house around to the backdoor, then had to go back around and bang on the front door till his wife answered. 

The scary thing was.... he was very calm, eyes down, under his cowboy hat, saying things like.....
"whatever they say, I'll do.... I'm lucky to have a wife as good as mine...... they say I'm the problem, so I'll stop talking and just listen.... they want me to go to a therapist, but I think we can handle it in the family....."

It was a seachange from the delusional behavior of pretending to be a big business man (again) which is too pitiful to recount, so I won't, but apparently EVEryONE stepped back from him, bc he's hit rock bottom quickly.  Suffice it to say, he's blaming his friends, family and hourly employees for his position...... which makes him meaner and bossier, which pushes people farther away.  The sweet  twenty something gal he hired for $20 "didn't work out" either.

He took a $250.00 uber the other day and wanted me to leave the forest and bring him a check, which wasn't happening, then hung up on me. 

I'm afraid he'll kill himself OR himself, wife, son and pregnant DIL who live 2 doors away.  The son and DIL didn't show up when the police arrived.  I guess it's difficult to know what to do in those situations.  People want to mind their own business and hope for the best, I guess.

I do know this..... he can't see well or move well at all.  He's fallen recently and hurt his hip.  His balance is getting worse by the day, so
folks have a chance if they bob and weave in that sort of crisis, IMO.  Oh... and he lacks dexterity with his hands. 

Yikes... he'scalling again.  I jumped so high at the ringer.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

That is hard to watch, Lighter. Can you talk to Cowboy's wife? It's got to be hard on her. Sounds like he's having  some trouble adjusting to his new physical reality. So a therapist would be a good idea. A lot of times, people don't realize how their reaction to things like this, affects others. B, does, pretty well. But Mike didn't. I don't think they really intend to "take it out" on others; but they are waaaaay overwhelmed.

It might be time for 24/7 caretaking, but that's another hard to swallow reality. But this is a situation, that you can't really let yourself get sucked into, too deeply. There is family for the hard decisions, but talking to THEM about Cowboy and helping them process the facts, dangers, etc of what they're involved in and what kinds of options are available for them to help manage his difficulties while still living their own lives, might be a worthwhile investment. And then, after that... disconnect yourself as much as possible. Maybe a good time for a trip somewhere?

[Hopalong]

What she said.

He has involved family, who appropriately called authorities for help, and I'm sure this very conversation is going on among them right now.

I can imagine how triggering that is for you, but agree it's not wise to assume the rescuer role. And good for you for not allowing him to draw you in to his emergencies.

Very sad mental health situation that many people face these days in various ways. He doesn't sound capable of family annihilation, however. Nor as though he wants that.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I talked to the wife long enough to understand the basic plan...... she's done putting up with Cowboy's shenanigans and maybe it's only shenanigans.  Maybe it's escalating to something more.  She's certainly concerned and in hiding for her reasons.   

I assume Cowboy is experiencing his dark nights of the soul.  He knows the  right words to say, and he DID say them the day before the cops had to be called.  He's sneaksy..... resisting acceptance, still. The rage of a strong, A type Republican man who collects guns and feels entitled to use them...... in a slight, worn down and handicapped body with very little balance and coordination..... feeling ignored and left behind. Disrespected and dishonored by what used to be a traditional family set up, though his wife always worked, she was the helper.  Now she's the only bread winner, does all the cooking, cleaning and shopping..... TELLS him she's overwhelmed. 

His reaction is to blame the job, which she's gobsmacked by and without intention to slow down or stop.  He's been making little noises about that all along..... I had no idea it was brewing into irrational action on his part. 

Having an opinion around what I think will happen is me telling unhelpful stories, so I won't do that.

::watching a familiar neighbor walk our cul de sac with his two dogs::

He did a double take towards the Cowboy's garage, but things were normal, otherwise.  Is it bad to say I wouldn't have been surprised to hear shots fired in the walker's direction, as he passed?

Over the edge, for the Cowboy, could take so many forms. 

I hope he finds acceptance and relaxes into retirement/receiving care from his family as they're able to give it.  I hope he finds grace and....
acceptance.  Ya.

He so wanted to be "the boss" bossing women around and commanding silence. Today, Sunday, he's boss of his open garage and empty house. 

I will end with this.....
Cowboy hasn't texted or phoned me since our last conversation.  The wife is wherever she's supposed to be.  I ended conversation yesterday with wife after she filled me in on her (lack of) plan and mutual promises not to share what we've discussed. 

I'll touch base with Cowgirl later today.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What would it feel like to simply back away gently and not check in on them, Lighter?

Or be Cowgirl's confidante?
Or Cowboy's analyst?
Or the culdesac protector?

Or to trust that these intimate situations and even community ones will resolve themselves in time, without you harming your serenity by involving so deeply?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Not sure what happened, but the Cowgirl's car showed up, not sure when. 


I did leave her to herself, not sure if Cowboy home or not.

My sister saw Cowgirl running in and out of the house, frantically, as if in a trance, after dark.... every light in the house on. 

Not sure what that was about, but I don't think Cowboy is home.

I'd like to know if Cowboy drops into gun threat mode.  Not gonna lie about that. 

Lighter

[lighter]

Cowboy's still living his break with reality. 

In the street chat, Cowgirl said Cowboy comes and goes without telling her his schedule, running off their contractors in the middle of a bathroom and flooring job. 

They're on radio silence, otherwise.

Lighter

[lighter]

Today I had a wonderful feeling of freedom on the drive home.  I didn't feel an inch involved in the upcoming Cowboy mess and it felt wonderful. 

I also released a heavy feeling around a friend's family member need for an attorney.  I didn't cause it, I won't be the one to fix it.  Sending good thoughts is about all I need to do in that situation.  Same with another friend's brothers' situations with their wives and In Laws.  Not my circus, certainly not my clowns.

Whew dam hoo.

[Hopalong]

HOO back, Lighter!

You are being so conscious and aware and deliberate.
I am awed.

And way less deliberate. (Will kvetch on another thread tomorrow.)

Bravo, you.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I'm in the yard and just saw what I think is pregnant Cowboy DIL go by with an unfamiliar large Golden Retriever.... she turned into the Cowboy's drive way 5 minutes before Cowgirl drove into the driveway.  I assume it's coodinated, as I never see DIL go there by herself and this is a first she's been with that big dog.

Ahhhh and the son just drove by in his truck, so this is coordinated. 

[lighter]

By 7:30 am there were 2 men stretching what could have been yellow crime scene tape across the Cowboy's driveway OR a measure tape for surveying.... I guessed surveying based on the white umarked truck and vests, and yes, that's what they guys are diong.

When I pulled back onto our street about 8:30am there was a truck with 4 workers heading into the Cowboy's back yard again today.

Yesterday 2 trucks showed up with maybe 8 yard workers and a small piece of heavy equipment for digging..... not sure if I posted that.

It would be sad if the Cowboys sell just as their son is having a child 2 doors away. 

There was a chance the yard work around the shed was done to accomodate bunnies...... Cowboy said he was going to raise rabbits in there. 

Lighter