Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I had lunch with Moss Friend (MF) yesterday afternoon. She's an artist and both she and dh veer OCD with impeccable home and yard.  They lost 30 trees in hurricane, so massive loss of privacy, but home and moss came through.  The new car was crushed by a tree, unfortunately, not the older.

We had lots of catching up to do and she was mesmerized by sleeping infant little L part (Boatie 's) story.

She learned recently her mother left her father, after her birth, and her Grandmother left her in the attic, alone.

A maid would sneak up and check on her....maid said she ,"never cried," which broke my heart and set me talking about early abandonment leading self abandonment later.

It just clicked and we talked for 4 hours, till it was time to get ready for night out at comedy club w/ DD22.

As I was saying goodbye, DD24 called....she needed to come home with her bf and stop up mom time.  It worked out bc DD22 was ambivalent about going out.

AsDD24, her bf and I tucked into 6 games of Mahjong (I won 1st 2) my beloved BIL called AND 2 guests booked the island cottage with happy questions and grateful texts.

I was reminded of the mall dream.....
of moving towards the door and people and it was joyful.

Lighter

[lighter]

I had two adult "playdates" recently, with my moss friend.  We visited her Granddaughter and husband for half an hour(I adore the husband from past lake jobs he's helped with.). So competent and, I admit, I enjoyed being admired in a "not creepy" way.  Wholesome and light in spirit......no problems or worry on the job and he handled his helper's inappropriate comments/actions.  I realize how grateful I am to have "normal" work interactions.  Hmm.

 He reached out for new mum support and general help for his wife (friend's granddaughter/GD) and I'm at once happy, but ready to not get embroiled in any family drama. 

Moss Friend (MF) and Granddaughter have occasional drama, but I just want to help with that chubby 4mo baby boy and maybe helping set up new household.  MF said she's noticed how similar she and GD are to each other, referencing stubbornness and doing things exactly their way, which I've been working on with T....... interesting it's coming up again and again.

While visiting new mum, the entire extended family was there and I noticed similarities between my FOO when new mum tripped and fell flat on the sofa, thank goodness, not on floor.  The room erupted in laughter.....I didn't laugh or look to see if her dh laughed, or ,her 15yo brother......the laughter went on and on, much to my distress. GD,,'s face was red and she was sort of laughing, but it was shame burning bright.  Couldn't look up....she was just crushed under all that laughter...... similar to my father's sense of humor🥺

And so...... I'm imagining helping her with things I...
.
A) can't mess up, bc I understand need to have 'things" done a particular way at the particular time.
B) don't mind doing.

It's interesting to notice I auto assume I need to treat new mum with kit gloves, based on stories MF shared through the years, and I notice I don't want to do that.  I won't be doing that.

I get to hold the chubby baby AND practice boundaries and learning to handle my responses ONLY, not manage others.  Whew boy...... that's huge!

T appt today exploring dream where I lost my purse and shoes after night out with my girls and their friends.  Had trouble getting back to the bar..... couldn't reach it.

Thinking I have to leave behind who I've been and find out who I am.....let the girls go their way...the work is my own to do.

I have noticed the old and new ways of feeling/being in the world popping up, sometimes bumping into each other....but it's on my radar.  Interesting, hence revisiting coping strategies and calming Nervous System, as things pop up, bc moving through and out is a habit I'm cultivating, rather than avoiding.

The journey continues.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

There are definite benefits - and new discoveries - from letting the girls deal with their own stuff now. Hol's & my relationship is different since the Japan trip (a month) and her shifting "daily needs" to C. They are still living separately and this seems like a good arrangement for both of them; for now. That said, they do spend quite a bit of time together. Sorta like B & I.

Being alone with him so much, this last "visit" - has been really good for both of us. And its helped me address another level of my "doing too much" or over-responsibility for Hol. At 47, she needs to be able to completely take care of herself - no dependance on me or my experience. Maybe she'll find something that "fits" better for her, ya know?

Now if I can just get her to stop volunteering me for things I wouldn't even consider on my own - we'd be golden! But I guess I'm "the great & exalted mom" - except when she wants to pick an argument. LOLOLOL. Or insist I should BE and think and act just like her.  <rolleyes>  Having to deal with that, does keep me on my toes.

[lighter]

 Wanted to share a cool experience MF had regarding her attendance at  Al-Anon meetings, bc she resent s any drinking her dh does, bc she grew up in a dysfunctional FOO with alcoholic parents.

She's been trying to meditate, but managing to read Al-Anon passages, while calm and trying to drop judgement.

She reported an epiphany sweeping over her, bringing tears and shame, bc her nose was on the drink.....she couldn't see all his fine qualities, which are many.  She couldn't see he had as a very good man.

Once she shared this with him, his alcohol consumption dropped.  He's not a "drunk", but any alcohol was a trigger for her.

She found enough distance to see the entire field, maybe for the first time.  I was so excited for her!

[lighter]

Afternoon meditation...I brought Whirlie straight to tomato garden..... very joyful.  Introduced her to Auntie P.....they hugged and the hug went on, til I realized they became solid...like carved wood, smiling. 

A sculpture in the garden?  Room for me to perch?  Nope.  The sculpture shrank and turned into a bonfire...Auntie P and Whirlie came physically back......all my protective and wounded parts showed up, casually, as the sun set. 

Women gathering, happy chattering, Boatie joyfully tended to......passed from adoring hands to adoring hands.

There was dancing.  Little parts were dressed up, mostly in bug costumes,  fantastic....shining, some with sparkles....a beetle, a Preying Mantis. My field of vision was not large.  Maybe bc there was only firelight. Limiting, but ok. Looking back, maybe that's the point.

 There were some repeated dance moves....stomping....heads thrown back.....reminded me of martial arts warm ups....then everyone headed to the playset which was plastic irl......now with a large stick cage house built over it.  Like the little fairy houses I build, but larger.

We climbed to the top and took flight.  All of us. Except Auntie P, who I scooped up and carried into the sky, then held just her hand as we flew, fast....and she was bursting with joy....eyes closed......unsure, but thrilled and present.

Will say, presence was theme of the night.

I came back to earth and landed on one knee, head thrown back, earth rumbling, air shimmering at the weight of impact.....my skin looked hard, but wasn't.... metal....was clear plastic shell....appearance.....
....like energy......pulled back to my skin.
  The music came back.....and everyone landed......danced.....laughed.....engaged..... airborne in dance.

The looks on Auntie P's and Whirlie 's faces, in that hug, were so happy....belonging....and now we'll all bring Auntie P tomatoes.

Whirlie never letting go.....it was not possible for her to let go.....always embraced, seen, heard and appreciated for her little heart.

This was an hour and a half, during acupuncture.  The future muscled in, several times...mostly about the girls. Some past, too. It was noted, sans judgement, as vigilance and I put them down, as tomato garden picked back up, as needed, till time to go.

I asked if needles are ever placed more deeply and was surprised to hear Sam say....yes.  Sometimes, "to get to the right place"...but never on me. I was "easier"....sometimes on my sister, he went deeper.....like "fishing" when placing needles.....can change with seasons.....spring summer vs fall winter, I  think....like roots sending up spring shoots.  Easier to reach, sometimes.
 Sister always said some needles were placed more deeply....I didn't know that.😳

I can't remember one important part of meditation....something.....happened....oh. Thoughts of MIL crept in, and it felt like stepping through glass.....and I was in that judgemental space, with her, asking how she could harm little children..... but understanding all my parts were alert and watching, from the other side, to see what happened next.  I looked over my shoulder, at them, and without looking back at MIL, stepped backward through the glass, and crouched down with them....all the parts huddling around me, anxious little faces surrounding me....waiting, in silence.  The music came back and they went back to the fire, dancing and being present. It felt like a collective holding of breath......a test...  passage away, then back? It felt like restored choice and huge relief.

Lighter

[lighter]

Both girls are home....one has tonsillitis, the other has a cold.  I'm busy making mommy food after an urgent care visit with oldest DD and a grocery trip.

Taking walks farther into wood's interior and finding downed trees cleared.  So far, so good, even if looking up holds snapped and dangerously leaning trees everywhere I look.  I try to be aware and ready to grab the pug and roll, but it's not a great situation.

If anyone cares, Aldi's has radiator and star shaped Italian steel cut pasta for 1.99 a bag.  Super good deal, imo.

Stay warm.

Lighter

[lighter]

One of the first things T taught me to do in her office was to return to my breath, cross my arms, and pat myself on the shoulders, left, right, left, right, and so on... like slowly patting a baby on the back, comforting them..... and I forgot about that one. 

In this case, we worked on the people-pleasing behaviors, and where they came from.  Once the emotions were present, we put the story on the shelf, crossed arms, began patting, and I thought of the most loving mother archetype, which for me wasn't a Saint, or Mother Theresa, but was someone I knew in real life. I pictured her face, and being in the room with her, the smells, the sights, seeing myself in her eyes, what exactly we were doing in that moment, and how exactly it FELT to be there.... visiting these things over and over, and it was super comforting.  It felt like being home, and seen, and welcomed... like being known, and invited, and loved.  It was powerful, and I always leave her office feeling such relief. 

T said that this work goes on for hours after it's put into the computer/brain.  The archetype represents our own perfect self.... we don't need the archetype to do the work.... we need to remember we're perfect as we are at our core, which is a Buddhist belief, and dropping the judgments, criticisms of others, and layers of negative core beliefs is the necessary healing thing leading to revealing our true selves... not healing ourselves, so to speak.  I'm paraphrasing here, of course. 

The conversation was animated, and exciting.... I'd bring up A, and she'd respond, explain how the brain handles and overcomes (when given the chance) then we'd go on to another point... we talked about freedom BEING inside us all.  Nelson Mandela, and Victor Frankl.  Nelson Mandela was angry the first 15 years of his 27 year imprisonment.  When he realized he had control over his internal world, and freedom he shifted his life, made friends and allies with some of his guards, who later became cabinet members when he was in power.

She also said that it's not difficult to DO the work.  It's how we judge it, and frame it for ourselves that creates the difficult emotions around it.  Some Ts say it's "difficult, painful, will take years....." and so on.   I've seen at least one T who said that to me.  This T thinks that's untrue, and referenced a T client she saw the day before we met.  This T had a huge painful complex PTSD issue she said she was just "so very tired of going over and over and over again....sick to death of it", just too tired to keep on trying. 

It's amazing when we turn the healing process around, and view it as a revelation, bc we can heal in a millisecond, rather than continue retraumatizing clients over and over again with talk therapy that doesn't help the brain finish processing, and filing the emotions in past files.  And we DO get so very tired of revisiting the stories, but the stories aren't where the healing IS.  The stories are just doors to access the emotions, and sensations that require processing.  The story isn't necessary for the processing to take place.  Being able to put a story on the shelf is a huge relief, IME.  Knowing I don't have to spend much time in a story is a relief.  It makes the idea of a T appointment more positive, and about feeling better... not feeling worse as I go.  The healing is in the emotions, the sensations, and nonjudgemental focus.  The healing is NOT in the retelling of the story. 

So, the T and her T client brought up the story for that client, put the story on the shelf, focused on the emotions, and sensations that came up, and practiced this cross shoulder patting, (there's a name for it I forget) and whatever that client needed in the moment.  T client experienced huge relief, just finished the emotion, and left the office with a complete energy shift, all emotions around that trauma processed, and filed into past experience files.  I've left there feeling so much better, I wondered if the negative emotions would return... but they didn't..not around that story, anyways. 

We were talking about childhood traumas CPTSD..... an actual trauma, and then the nodes.... say a child was abused by a neighbor as the original trauma, then the child remembers the mother, her mother's absence, and lack of protection as a node attached to the trauma, and there can be many nodes attached to one trauma, layered through the years, and complicated.

The brain CAN process the trauma, and nodes at the same time.... time isn't linear, as Newton believed..... it's all right here, in the now.  At this point, where our breath is.  Albert Einstein's idea of space and time being interwoven in a single continuum.....what he called space-time meant events that occur at the same time for one person, could occur at different times for another person. 

This is what I got yesterday.... the brain actually heals itself.... more than BEING healed by a T, or ourselves..... just as we heal our immune systems when we sleep, and our immune systems heal us when we sleep.  We're creating an environment, removing stress, and allowing our brains and bodies to do what they're programmed to do. 

 I wish I'd recorded every session, bc I can't take it all on board, and remember everything she says. 

So,again, for CPTSD there may be more layers of trauma and nodes, but it's interesting that not all traumas and nodes have to be visited individually to be healed.  Some will be healed at once, just as some traumas can be healed through generations, for everyone through our family tree.  We can DO THAT for them, and ourselves.

We do ourselves a disservice when we interpret T as something that must be slogged through, revisiting trauma stories over and over again, endured again and again.

We free ourselves to relief and freedom when we view T as easy.... as relieving stress, and providing opportunity for the brain, which we know precious little about, to heal itself. 

Negatives beliefs, fear, and stress don't help the brain finish processing. 

Peeling away the core negative beliefs helps in every way.  Many, if not most of us, have no idea what's beneath the fears, negative beliefs, emotions, sensations and reactivity.

Many of us never get to the point where we SEE ourselves beyond the reactivity.  Seeing the truth, without reactivity, is enlightenment.

::nodding::.

The session began with my noticing traffic snags didn't upset me, even though it meant I'd be late... and I like being early to consider myself on time typically.  I just didn't react... I responded without upset, and noticed that happened for me without effort. It was really good.

In session I noticed my frustration with particular concepts, and lack of work in certain directions that seemed overwhelming when I viewed them as not yet conquered.  How I often do work I see others would benefit from, rather than focusing strictly on the work that I benefit from as priority.

T spoke about the ego, and stories we tell ourselves being the problem.  Typically ego is involved when we feel frustrations come up, if we check ourselves.... ego's present.

Feeling upset and angry in traffic is seeing the trees.  Pulling back, seeing what;s going on for others, and self, is seeing the forest... not the trees.

The brain's pathways can be such that we react and SEE TREES, rather than gain perspective, emotional distance as a habit, and see the forest. 

We work on building pathways that provide the distance, and perspective as a matter of habit, and default settings..... responding rather than reacting.

When we see ourselves, our true born pristine selves for what we are, sans the negative judgments and stories of others.... we experience truth, and that truth is enlightenment too.

The journey continues.

Lighter

With that repeated, I've been watching a Netflix series, on mushrooms, called How To Change Your Mind, Season 1, Chapter 3.....Chapter 4 is on MDMA/Ecstasy....I think.
Seems.....shutting off the amygdala creates a healing environment for the brain to process traumas and fears.  That makes sense to me.

My Army Ranger buddy went through protocols at facilities utilizing micro and macro dosing.  He said he experienced relief from problems he wasn't aware existed....and resolved them "quickly ". I assume in several sessions vs several years, but it wasn't made clear.

The journey continues.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I really liked re-reading this post, Lighter.
Although the mechanical details about the brain's wiring don't light up for me, the self-hugging/patting and letting go of certain feelings that do not help, really do.

Just imagining, ending the self-torture of constant criticism (of self and/or others) was a "lightening" thought for me today. I made a big decision that reverberates, but I can feel it reverberating less.

Thanks for this.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Micro dosing DOES work for some people, in some situations. I can't speak to Macro. In a way, micro dosing isn't that much different than the theory behind homeopathy.

It's one thing I know from herbalism, too. There are some herbs - as treatment protocol - that need to be ingested daily over a period of time. Those are usually low doses in tinctures. (Homeopathy again)

And I am pretty sure that there is a significant placebo effect. Doesn't matter; as long as it works you know?

[lighter]

I spoke to retired Ranger today, about mushrooms, and he clarified...
"It might not happen in one trip, but if you keep trying, and get the dosage right, you can work through issues...might take more or less times, but I experienced huge relief."

Paraphrasing here, and he'll share more if I ask about it.

Hops, the brain and chemistry stuff makes my brain go WHEEEE!  I find the patting and  walking meditations/calming exercises go by with less excitement.l, for me.  Finding them again and again, while reading old posts, reminds me they're available.....they worked before and can work now. I'd like to have a few very helpful ones on board, ready before I reach for them.... new defaults.  Will see.  Still working on it.

Amber, it's my understanding homeopathy provides some missing energetic piece, in one's system....to restore balance/promote balance?  That's how I've always viewed it. As for placebo effect.... it's always been a huge YES, NO or NEUTRAL in my experience with muscle testing.

As for things I do on my own, as with the Heart Saver Plus......was it placebo OR was it something my body needed at the time or was the mindful self care act, of taking the stuff, releasing chemicals restoring short term balance in the moment?  Was it a combination? I just tested that, with the lean, and it's a combination.....strong NO on brain tumor, btw. 

I just tested myself for Heart Saver and it came up neutral.....not good or bad.  I put it down and will continue to test regularly for it. 
Ashwagandha came up 2 capsules once a day.
Hawthorne 1 cap a day.
B12 sublingual 2x daily.
Chelated magnesium 1 cap daily.
Evening Primrose came up neutral, but I take it to help keep ears wax-free.
D3, K2, Omega 3 MCT oil blend 1 x daily.
Probiotic was neutral for me....took it anyway.
Grassfed bone and marrow supplement 1 x daily.
Tested DD's zinc complex, just to see, and it was a NO.

I might go through old protocols and test for those supplements now, as my lean's pretty reliable these days.  I trust it.

Hops, whatever you decide....has to feel right for you.  Not anyone else.  You. 

Even if it's not ok.... it's still ok.

Lighter

[lighter]

I walked the Pug for an hour today.  Was lovely and sunny and I didn't have a podcast running in the background.  Just the forest and trail and pug.

At a point, I noticed a useless thought....meaning negative,  popped into my head...and it bugged me, bc
all my parts are exposed to this toxicity.  Like children, without choice. I have choices, though.

It reminded me to be more pristine with my thoughts.....not perfectly pristine, just more mindful, as habit, bc I can.

Lighter

I catch it, before wasting much time, and bounce to better, more productive, things.

[Hopalong]

I am bravely taking one capsule of lions mane daily, in hopes it'll help the focus.

Hear me roar!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It should help Hops. But maybe there's a tea that would be more of a self-care ritual? That "reminds" you to focus?

[Hopalong]

Good thoughts! Thanks for the tea ritual suggestion, Amber.

Lighter, I was just pondering how freaky I can be about some -- not all -- forms of alternative medicine, and remembering: my D did home hospice with her stepmom #1, who died in agony of breast cancer with a tumor that grew huge, bloody and suppurated, which the docs had begged her to let them remove early on via surgery. She had always believed rigidly that western medicine is all corrupt and untrustworthy (baby vs. bathwater), and it reminded me of people dying of covid while gasping that they didn't have covid. Her plan was to cure her cancer with crystals and white light and she never let it go.

If muscle testing can diagnose brain tumor, I'm so glad it told you No! I doubt you have it, but I'm a big believer in checking out recurring symptoms with specialists. A fancy scan was the only thing that could detect microvascular heart disease, and sho 'nuff. Ditto the main Rx, isosorbide mononitrate, which nearly overnight stopped the angina I'd struggled with for ages.

All that said, we all need what WE need, and you're right, each of us has to make our own choices and make peace with our own paths. I do wish they'd stop attacking vaccinations, though. It's going to be hell on so many children when measles does what it is made to do.

Be well, whatever works for you. I've got plenty of monitoring to do of my own health, and no legit need to poke my nose into others' medicine. (I do "send" people white light at times, which is for me just an agnostic form of prayer.) I'm also too fat, too feeble, and looking down the barrel at age 75 next month. Writing is on wall, question is: Will Hops read it?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I love the idea of daily tea ritual, Amber.  It's two birds with one stone, yup yup yup. Drinking a tincture.....instead of coffee, for me, would be a three'fer, in fact.

Hops, I've shared my father's brain surgery story here.......my take, on that......it did more harm than good....huge mistake.  There was no saving him from himself.

 I'm Not opposed to Western medicine, but I know it's rooted in hubris and greed.  That's problematic, esp since treating symptoms, at a profit, seems an imperative vs identifying causes and healing people, IME.

I'm glad you and your doc figured out the microvascular problem and Rx.....such a blessing. 


Lighter

Lighter