Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)

[Twoapenny]

That sounds like an amazing day, Lighter, the hard work is worth it when you have such a good time   Yes, a seafood Christmas sounds as if it might be a little easier on the stomach lol.  Fortunately you've got all your garden work to keep you fit

I am finding it easier to think now that college is off the table.  The weight that has been lifted is enormous.  I'm disappointed that it's gone so badly wrong and that I've kind of backed myself into a corner by throwing everything at it the way I did but I've learnt from that and it's making me take the next step more slowly.  I'm going to really take my time looking around at other living options and I do want to get some at home work in place before I do anything, as well as clearing my debt and getting a bit of money put by.  I think I would like to have a Plan B that can be executed easily in case Plan A turns out the way that this has.  But I feel alright about taking my time now that the college stress isn't present and I feel quite excited by the prospect that I might meet some interesting and useful people as I delve into the world of paid employment again.  Son is keen to earn money and likes the idea of doing that from home so even if I just find a way to 'pay' him an allowance in exchange for him doing x, y and z it would be a step in the right direction.  But for now I am concentrating on my jobs I want to get out of the way.  The forecast is okay at the minute so it looks like the car boot sale will be happening tomorrow and anything that doesn't sell can stay in the car and I'll take it straight to the charity shop on Monday morning.  If nothing else it will free up a bit of space at home, but hopefully we'll make some cash as well.  Son is looking forward to doing it.  I'm actually looking forward to Christmas?  That hardly ever happens, I usually dread it, but I just feel like the pressure's off and we can just have a nice time and enjoy ourselves now.  Lots of film watching.  Maybe Predator   Lol. xx

[Hopalong]

Tupp, I'm so glad you're feeling this relief! It's almost the first time you sound as though you've given yourself permission to not fight for what feels impossible.

It sounds as though you have scaled your expectations down to something that can accomodate both your son and yourself, and are no longer going to fling yourself against brick walls for something that just hasn't worked. You had high expectations but you learned to adjust them to accomodate the reality, even though it was frustrating and took a while to do.

That said, you learned and grew such a great deal from your efforts and it also sounds as though he is maturing and learning too. I'm awed by both of you.

One human-scale plan at a time is all most people can manage with very limited resources and the stress of solo-parenting a nearly-adult special needs child. I hope you truly appreciate what a heroic parent you have been. You have done an amazing job of it and I believe there have been benefits to you both. I hope you won't feel you wasted your time...you've gained so much confidence and strength.

I have faith that new plans will take place at a sane pace, with realistic steps, and that the possibility of good things happening is becoming more real every day for you.

I can't think of another person who deserves it more.

Hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, I think I've always been very fixed on 'getting back to normal' - going back to work, seeing friends, doing the socialising thing, and that means other people looking after son.  What I wasn't prepared for - and I'm going to blow my own trumpet now - is that I've done such a good job with him most other people don't look after him as well simply because they don't know as much about his conditions I wasn't expecting that; I thought I'd just hand him over and everyone else would know what they were doing and then do it.  So the slow dawning realisation that other people's care makes him unwell - because they don't understand and therefore meet his needs - means just handing him over isn't an option, and as I don't want to sit indoors with him for the rest of my life neither option seemed like a good one for me.  So I do feel a real sense of relief that I can find something in the middle that will work and it has also dawned on me that I don't need to endlessly worry about social services and education welfare now because he's almost 18 and all the child related legislation no longer applies.  So I don't have to keep proving I'm doing x, y and z, or worrying about my mum telling people I'm not doing those things properly, because he's a grown up   And I'd kind of not realised that, because he's still child like in his intellect.  But he helped me get some stuff down from the loft earlier and when I wobbled a bit on the ladder he instinctively put his hands out to steady me.  And I thought, aw, he's a proper bloke now!  So yes - I can see something more like a working partnership now rather than 'mum looking after son'.  I'm going to hold off getting in paid carers until I have a better idea of when and where we might move.  If it's a really long way off I'll sort something out here, but if it looks like it's going to happen in a reasonable amount of time then I'll wait until we're settled in our next place.

The car is loaded up ready for the car boot sale tomorrow and it's freed up space under the stairs, so I'm going to do some re-arranging which will hopefully make the sitting room feel a bit less busy.  Wish me luck!  Lol xx

[lighter]

That sounds like an amazing day, Lighter, the hard work is worth it when you have such a good time   Yes, a seafood Christmas sounds as if it might be a little easier on the stomach lol.  Fortunately you've got all your garden work to keep you fit

I am finding it easier to think now that college is off the table.  The weight that has been lifted is enormous.  I'm disappointed that it's gone so badly wrong It's so hard to stop judging, isn't it?  DS loves college, and that's bc of your efforts.  What would you feel if you hadn't given it your all, and he didn't love it so much?  I think the magic is YOU, Tupp.  All the lessons you've learned lead to the place you're supposed to be.  Neither good nor bad, just lessons, necessary,and yours to learn.  and that I've kind of backed myself into a corner by throwing everything at it the way I did but I've learnt from that and it's making me take the next step more slowly.  You never could have half assed the college effort, and received all the answers you now have to consider as yuou go forward.  I'm going to really take my time looking around at other living options and I do want to get some at home work in place before I do anything, as well as clearing my debt and getting a bit of money put by.  I feel as though you have more space, and air, and calm to think, Tupp.  I think I would like to have a Plan B that can be executed easily in case Plan A turns out the way that this has.  But I feel alright about taking my time now that the college stress isn't present and I feel quite excited by the prospect that I might meet some interesting and useful people as I delve into the world of paid employment again.  The universe is on your side.
It wants good things for you, Tupp.Son is keen to earn money and likes the idea of doing that from home so even if I just find a way to 'pay' him an allowance in exchange for him doing x, y and z it would be a step in the right direction.  But for now I am concentrating on my jobs I want to get out of the way. It's time to take care of you, and your needs first.  Putting the airmask on yourself, and all that.  The forecast is okay at the minute so it looks like the car boot sale will be happening tomorrow and anything that doesn't sell can stay in the car and I'll take it straight to the charity shop on Monday morning.  If nothing else it will free up a bit of space at home, but hopefully we'll make some cash as well. WIth people shopping for the holiday, it's a good chance you'll sell some stuff: ) Son is looking forward to doing it.  I'm actually looking forward to Christmas?  That hardly ever happens, I usually dread it, but I just feel like the pressure's off and we can just have a nice time and enjoy ourselves now.  Lots of film watching.  Maybe Predator   Lol. xx
That is wonderful, Tupp.  To be happy about the holidays, for me, means NOT doing what everyone else wants.  It means honoring what I want to do.
 This morning I woke up and it felt like snow, bc of the light filtering through my white bedroom curtains.  I see that every day, but today it felt like holiday snow, and happiness, and it echoes through my day... that feeling of happiness, and joy.

So glad you're in a good place right now.  Did you sell much stuff?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

That sounds like an amazing day, Lighter, the hard work is worth it when you have such a good time   Yes, a seafood Christmas sounds as if it might be a little easier on the stomach lol.  Fortunately you've got all your garden work to keep you fit

I am finding it easier to think now that college is off the table.  The weight that has been lifted is enormous.  I'm disappointed that it's gone so badly wrong It's so hard to stop judging, isn't it?  DS loves college, and that's bc of your efforts.  What would you feel if you hadn't given it your all, and he didn't love it so much?  I think the magic is YOU, Tupp.  All the lessons you've learned lead to the place you're supposed to be.  Neither good nor bad, just lessons, necessary,and yours to learn.  and that I've kind of backed myself into a corner by throwing everything at it the way I did but I've learnt from that and it's making me take the next step more slowly.  You never could have half assed the college effort, and received all the answers you now have to consider as yuou go forward.  I'm going to really take my time looking around at other living options and I do want to get some at home work in place before I do anything, as well as clearing my debt and getting a bit of money put by.  I feel as though you have more space, and air, and calm to think, Tupp.  I think I would like to have a Plan B that can be executed easily in case Plan A turns out the way that this has.  But I feel alright about taking my time now that the college stress isn't present and I feel quite excited by the prospect that I might meet some interesting and useful people as I delve into the world of paid employment again.  The universe is on your side.
It wants good things for you, Tupp.Son is keen to earn money and likes the idea of doing that from home so even if I just find a way to 'pay' him an allowance in exchange for him doing x, y and z it would be a step in the right direction.  But for now I am concentrating on my jobs I want to get out of the way. It's time to take care of you, and your needs first.  Putting the airmask on yourself, and all that.  The forecast is okay at the minute so it looks like the car boot sale will be happening tomorrow and anything that doesn't sell can stay in the car and I'll take it straight to the charity shop on Monday morning.  If nothing else it will free up a bit of space at home, but hopefully we'll make some cash as well. WIth people shopping for the holiday, it's a good chance you'll sell some stuff: ) Son is looking forward to doing it.  I'm actually looking forward to Christmas?  That hardly ever happens, I usually dread it, but I just feel like the pressure's off and we can just have a nice time and enjoy ourselves now.  Lots of film watching.  Maybe Predator   Lol. xx
That is wonderful, Tupp.  To be happy about the holidays, for me, means NOT doing what everyone else wants.  It means honoring what I want to do.
 This morning I woke up and it felt like snow, bc of the light filtering through my white bedroom curtains.  I see that every day, but today it felt like holiday snow, and happiness, and it echoes through my day... that feeling of happiness, and joy.

So glad you're in a good place right now.  Did you sell much stuff?

Lighter

Waking up to a snow effect sounds lovely, Lighter, have you had any snow yet?  We had a hard frost this morning and it's beautiful and sunny.  Looks like an Alpine resort outside

The car boot sale was canceled!  We got there with a fully loaded car and couldn't unload so I have taken it all to the charity shop this morning as I couldn't face unloading the car and finding places to put everything indoors again.  We don't have another free weekend now before Christmas so it would be weeks before we could do another one so off to the charity shop it went   At least it is out of the way and other people can make use of some of it now.

I have been very anxious and unwell feeling again and it is because of another couple of incidents at college.  None of them on their own are a big deal but I feel like I am constantly on tenderhooks now and the smallest thing sets me off.  It isn't like that with other things, generally speaking, but I think just 'public sector' is enough to set me off and I am working on it but I don't feel that setting myself off several times a week is a good thing.  I'll be glad when the next two weeks is over and then we'll be focusing on our new business venture (which I haven't thought of yet but I'm working on it!).  That's going to be our new phase and is what I want to put my energy into.  Onwards and upwards xx

[lighter]

Not much snow here, Tupp.  Lots of high winds and occasional flakes.  Freezing temps, and fresh worries about North winds affecting our winter boat ride on the Atlantic.

I'm sorry you're triggered.  That's tough to shake, but it has a cadence, doesn't it?  One of the more helpful symptoms is the anger, and fight response.  It gives us energy to get through and beyond.

You know this better than anyone.  It's not just fear, and feeling shattered.  The anger got you through, and out the other side of the legals.

I think it'll help in some ways, until you can unhook those triggers, and leave them behind.  Ya, it sucks to get gut punched, but I believe that's going to slow and maybe stop for you.  You've gotten yourself through worse, and your indomitable spirit will get through this.  You'll continue to shed and gather habits, patterns, and pathways to cultivate more of what you need.

I like writing about your needs, Tupp.  When the crisis fades, and you're healing journey continues....what will your needs and wants look like?  I hope you remain curious, and observant, even when the triggers strike....or especially when they strike.

I'm tapping with one finger....I hope this post makes sense.

Lighter

Don't judge them, Tupp.

[lighter]

Sorry you had to give away all your loaded up boot sale items, Tupp.  That was a lot of work, and it sounded like you and your son enjoy doing it. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, I am noticing and observing a lot   The trigger pattern, as I see it, showed up well last week because I'd had such a nice acupuncture treatment before hand.  At the moment I am trying, each day, to do yoga, meditate, build in a bit of down time, eat fairly well and generally look after myself.  I went in to acupuncture feeling tired and listless but not stressed and all over the place - anxious, perhaps, but manageable.  I came out feeling better than I had for ages and woke up the next morning with a bit of energy for the first time in I don't know how long.  Then we had two incidents with college on each of the following days and they weren't big incidents but for me it was like a grenade going off and the physical effects are huge.  I think the trouble is every small problem brings up every single thing that's happened over the last fifteen years and it's just too much for my nervous system to cope with.  I think it's a bit like being an alcoholic - if you're trying to get away from drinking you wouldn't keep going to the pub.  I think it's the same with me - in order to get over it all, we need to keep away from the public sector so that I don't keep being triggered.  Once the stress and anxiety wears off I feel exhausted - presumably because it causes a big adrenalin push and then a big crash the other side.  I feel really excited about the prospect of looking into business opportunities and working with son on his projects at home again and I want to focus my time and energy on that rather than on dealing with stress and nonsense.  He's got three days there next week and then that's it - all over   I have an acupuncture treatment booked for the week after so I'm hoping that I'll have this one and then, because I won't have a college stress to deal with, it will kind of feed in to all the healthy, positive habits I'm trying to put together instead of being obliterated by another string of emails that need to be done.  I'm looking forward to not being stressed about it all anymore.

It would have been nice to get some cash for the car boot sale stuff but at least it's cleared a bit of space out and other people can benefit from the items now.  I took another car load of stuff to the dump so at the moment the house is a bit less cluttered than it was before and if/when we move, it's a job that won't need doing then.  The Christmas tree is up   And we've got five days at home now without any drama or interruptions so I might be feeling human again in a couple of days time xx

[lighter]

Lighter, I am noticing and observing a lot   The trigger pattern, as I see it, showed up well last week because I'd had such a nice acupuncture treatment before hand.  At the moment I am trying, each day, to do yoga, meditate, build in a bit of down time, eat fairly well and generally look after myself.  Really good to read.I went in to acupuncture feeling tired and listless but not stressed and all over the place - anxious, perhaps, but manageable.  I came out feeling better than I had for ages and woke up the next morning with a bit of energy for the first time in I don't know how long.  WOW. That is fantastic, Tupp. Then we had two incidents with college on each of the following days and they weren't big incidents but for me it was like a grenade going off and the physical effects are huge.  I think the trouble is every small problem brings up every single thing that's happened over the last fifteen years and it's just too much for my nervous system to cope with. It feels like getting thrown BACK into the last 15 years.... like it's right there, in front of your face doesn't it?  I think it's a bit like being an alcoholic - if you're trying to get away from drinking you wouldn't keep going to the pub.  I think it's the same with me - in order to get over it all, we need to keep away from the public sector so that I don't keep being triggered.  Once the stress and anxiety wears off I feel exhausted - presumably because it causes a big adrenalin push and then a big crash the other side. I'm thinking it's distance, and relief from the traumas, but also convincing our bodies, and nervous systems the trauma's really in the past.... it's done, over, not IN OUR FACES any longer. I feel really excited about the prospect of looking into business opportunities and working with son on his projects at home again and I want to focus my time and energy on that rather than on dealing with stress and nonsense.  I am all for moving ahead, and seeking your joy, yup yup yup.He's got three days there next week and then that's it - all over Whoo hoo! I have an acupuncture treatment booked for the week after so I'm hoping that I'll have this one and then, because I won't have a college stress to deal with, it will kind of feed in to all the healthy, positive habits I'm trying to put together instead of being obliterated by another string of emails that need to be done.  I'm looking forward to not being stressed about it all anymore.  Sounds like a plan to me.

It would have been nice to get some cash for the car boot sale stuff but at least it's cleared a bit of space out and other people can benefit from the items now.  I took another car load of stuff to the dump so at the moment the house is a bit less cluttered than it was before and if/when we move, it's a job that won't need doing then.  The Christmas tree is up   It warms my heart to kmnow you and ds are cozy by the tree.  We haven't done any decorating, and I'm not sure we will this year.And we've got five days at home now without any drama or interruptions so I might be feeling human again in a couple of days time xx  You're a really good person, and you deserve good things.... and not bc you're good.  Because you're worthy, and whole, and enough just as you are: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

((((Tupp))))

I'm sorry for the adrenaline reflex, Tupp. But so impressed with your persistent clarity about it these days. You no longer sound horrified by what happens, but just aware, and intentional, and clear...about what it is, how to cope with it, and more.

It's lovely to think of less clutter in your house, and a tree, and some less-obligated time ahead for you.

I truly hope the music and lights and sweet spirit buried under the Xmas culture-clutter will bring you...well, tidings of comfort and joy.

(I always hang onto those. I love the sacred music, the lights, and people being nicer to each other for a month. That is enough for me and I like skipping hoopla.)

Big hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

((((Tupp))))

I'm sorry for the adrenaline reflex, Tupp. But so impressed with your persistent clarity about it these days. You no longer sound horrified by what happens, but just aware, and intentional, and clear...about what it is, how to cope with it, and more.

It's lovely to think of less clutter in your house, and a tree, and some less-obligated time ahead for you.

I truly hope the music and lights and sweet spirit buried under the Xmas culture-clutter will bring you...well, tidings of comfort and joy.

(I always hang onto those. I love the sacred music, the lights, and people being nicer to each other for a month. That is enough for me and I like skipping hoopla.)

Big hugs
Hops

Hops, I do love the lights and overall twinkliness at this time of year.  The local churches put on a Christmas lunch and a lady near us is taking in fifteen elderly people for the day, cooking them a traditional Christmas lunch, all at her own expense, and then they're all settling down to watch a film and The Queen's Speech afterwards.  Those kind of things really make me smile.  I do enjoy doing small gifts for friends.  If I've got time I'm going to make up some herb sachets for relaxing baths and some lavender pillows for a few people.  I like doing little things like that.  We've grown some hyacinths as a thank you for some of the people locally who've helped us this year - the library staff, who are lovely and have been so welcoming to my son, the staff in the local hemp shop who've been similarly kind and the complementary therapists we see, who've also helped a lot.  I like doing things like that.  I do find I think about my mum a lot this time of year.  It still feels very wrong not to be buying her a gift or seeing or speaking to her over Christmas.  We'll have some nice food, son has done his present list so he'll be happy with his gifts.  I'll get some films and books out of the library and we can go for some nice walks.  I got son's bike fixed so we might be able to go out for a bike ride, I'll have to see how he is on the day.

I am finding I can see a clearer pattern now with the triggers and reactions.  I think the whole public sector thing is just too much and it triggers such an avalanche of both physical and emotional symptoms that it knocks me for six.  We'll get next week out of the way and then that will be it.  My focus in the New Year will be on finding some sort of business we can work at from home, or if it's out of home in a way that suits us both.  I'll carry on working on my health and we will get to a point where the public sector stuff won't knock me for six any more.  The stuff with my mum doesn't floor me like it used to, it's just taken about twenty years to get to that point.  So it will be okay.  I already feel more relaxed knowing we have a way out now.  I felt very trapped before and I don't cope well with that at all.  It will work out.  I have a good feeling about what's coming next.  I think I have healed and grown a lot this last year, albeit in a very painful and unpleasant way.  But I think it's given me a good foundation to move on from xx

[Hopalong]

I do too, Tupp.
I think you sound much much more anchored in yourself, rather than in outside circumstances. And it's lovely to see. Mind blowing how far you've come.

I won't wax holiday much more except to say how delightful what's going on within and around you is. My D haunts me this time of year but I'm extremely lucky to have the distraction of travel with M coming up. It'll be my first holiday with someone who feels like family in decades. Maybe I'll get used to it!

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, I am noticing and observing a lot   The trigger pattern, as I see it, showed up well last week because I'd had such a nice acupuncture treatment before hand.  At the moment I am trying, each day, to do yoga, meditate, build in a bit of down time, eat fairly well and generally look after myself.  Really good to read.I went in to acupuncture feeling tired and listless but not stressed and all over the place - anxious, perhaps, but manageable.  I came out feeling better than I had for ages and woke up the next morning with a bit of energy for the first time in I don't know how long.  WOW. That is fantastic, Tupp. Then we had two incidents with college on each of the following days and they weren't big incidents but for me it was like a grenade going off and the physical effects are huge.  I think the trouble is every small problem brings up every single thing that's happened over the last fifteen years and it's just too much for my nervous system to cope with. It feels like getting thrown BACK into the last 15 years.... like it's right there, in front of your face doesn't it?  I think it's a bit like being an alcoholic - if you're trying to get away from drinking you wouldn't keep going to the pub.  I think it's the same with me - in order to get over it all, we need to keep away from the public sector so that I don't keep being triggered.  Once the stress and anxiety wears off I feel exhausted - presumably because it causes a big adrenalin push and then a big crash the other side. I'm thinking it's distance, and relief from the traumas, but also convincing our bodies, and nervous systems the trauma's really in the past.... it's done, over, not IN OUR FACES any longer. I feel really excited about the prospect of looking into business opportunities and working with son on his projects at home again and I want to focus my time and energy on that rather than on dealing with stress and nonsense.  I am all for moving ahead, and seeking your joy, yup yup yup.He's got three days there next week and then that's it - all over Whoo hoo! I have an acupuncture treatment booked for the week after so I'm hoping that I'll have this one and then, because I won't have a college stress to deal with, it will kind of feed in to all the healthy, positive habits I'm trying to put together instead of being obliterated by another string of emails that need to be done.  I'm looking forward to not being stressed about it all anymore.  Sounds like a plan to me.

It would have been nice to get some cash for the car boot sale stuff but at least it's cleared a bit of space out and other people can benefit from the items now.  I took another car load of stuff to the dump so at the moment the house is a bit less cluttered than it was before and if/when we move, it's a job that won't need doing then.  The Christmas tree is up   It warms my heart to kmnow you and ds are cozy by the tree.  We haven't done any decorating, and I'm not sure we will this year.And we've got five days at home now without any drama or interruptions so I might be feeling human again in a couple of days time xx  You're a really good person, and you deserve good things.... and not bc you're good.  Because you're worthy, and whole, and enough just as you are: )

Lighter

I missed your reply, Lighter, sorry!  I feel human today, just from doing nothing yesterday.  Yes, I think a time will come when the reactions fade and the trauma starts to leave.  I think I need to stop re-traumatising to get there.  I'm just going to keep focusing on doing things that help and make me feel good (or at least not dreadful) and try and avoid everything else xx

[Twoapenny]

I do too, Tupp.
I think you sound much much more anchored in yourself, rather than in outside circumstances. And it's lovely to see. Mind blowing how far you've come.

I won't wax holiday much more except to say how delightful what's going on within and around you is. My D haunts me this time of year but I'm extremely lucky to have the distraction of travel with M coming up. It'll be my first holiday with someone who feels like family in decades. Maybe I'll get used to it!

Hugs
Hops

It's a very hard time when there are people that you miss.  Of course, you miss them all year through but it does feel harder this time of year.  I'm glad you've got M and the holiday to distract you a bit.

I am feeling more anchored in myself and calmer.  I've been number crunching and next year is going to be tight for at least some of the time.  Practically and sensibly I'm better off putting thoughts of moving aside until I've got a decent pot saved up and some work sorted out from home (which will take a while) and usually that would make me go a bit insane but it feels alright and I feel like I can manage it.  I'm missing my friends from back home and would like to get back up to see them but if I have to wait, then I have to wait.  It is what it is now and I do feel calmer about it all.  The yoga must be working   Lol xx

[Hopalong]

I am becoming fierce in my need to have uncluttered space. My whole self relaxes.

Beautiful, CB. Whole.

Tupp, I can only say, "What she said."

Fierce peace to both of you,
Hops