Tupp:
I think you should focus on 90% research, and 10% execution.
Setting a one-year moratorium on decision making seems too arbitrary. You might have enough information to make a decision in 6 months, 9 months, 3 months..... 14mo. You can't know what will happen, but you can know you'll continue teasing out facts, and putting together plans based on that good information.
Trust yourself. Observe your loneliness with curiosity, and don't judge it good or bad. It just IS, and it's asking for attention right now. Tend to it, and be very kind to yourself.
Lighter
Lighter, that is a good point, and you're right, I should just look into it all and go ahead once I'm sure and I know what's what. I thought I was doing really well yesterday - I did a lot of yoga, I meditated, I rested a lot and felt really good by the time I went to bed. But I guess all that relaxing must let things out because this morning I just exploded. Small things, but I think they represent bigger things and when it happens that fast I think I disassociate a bit - not in a complete disconnected, I don't know I'm there way, but I feel like I'm watching someone else have a meltdown and it's really hard to kind of step in and calm myself down. A friend had texted yesterday and when I said son and I are both unwell at the moment she asked if we had a virus. It was one of those stop me in my tracks moments. She knows we both have multiple health problems, she knows how bad the situation is, she knows how much I've been struggling with our health problems lately. So it still seems odd to me that people think in terms of bugs or viruses when they know we have multiple health problems between us and they assume it's something we caught rather than something that's an ongoing problem? I dealt with it fine yesterday - didn't reply straight away, gave myself time to think, look at it from different perspectives, breathe. And it was fine. And then this morning it made me feel like I wanted to rip someone's throat out. Next door's dog was barking incessantly, again, from about 6.30am. Even with the doors and windows closed and the TV or radio on I can still hear it, endlessly barking. I needed a piece of paper to log in to one of the social service's systems for son and I could not find it anywhere. I must have gone through a dozen files and close to a thousand bits of paper and I could not find that piece of paper with those digits on it. I came so close to launching the entire book shelf across the room and throwing a match at the lot of it. It was just so explosive. Then I found the piece of paper in my wallet, where I'd put it so I could find it easily
I think what I'm trying to notice, as the mist clears and I start to calm down again, is that I need a move from this life - not necessarily in geographical terms but I need to be away from the things and people that cause me a lot of stress or trigger things for me. Certain people, all this paperwork - my God, I need this to be over with - and just a general lack of consideration on the part of other people. I think the thing that annoys me the most about the barking dog is that I don't have the money to just move. The simplest solution to that would be to just move to a house where we don't have close neighbours, so I can't hear them. I think it's that that bothers me more than the dog does. I feel sorry for the dog, it's obviously in some sort of distress to bark like that, but the owner should be responsible and deal with the problem. Everyone else suffers because they won't go to a vet or dog behaviourist and find out what's wrong.
Anyway - tired now. My temper tantrum from earlier has worn me out. Quiet day today. Cinema later, I think we might go out to lunch and then I can do us a dinner when we get home tonight and prepare it before we leave. Some more yoga. Maybe a walk. I guess as each bit of unresolved anger and resentment seeps out there's a bit less in there to deal with, right?
Thanks for listening
xx
