Baby is here - now what?

[mum as guest]

(((((((Cadbury)))))))
Oh, boy, do I feel your pain.  My ex is currently taking me to court, fighting me tooth and nail, and also sending me emails to show what an "involved" parent he is, and how we "work as a team" (all twisted and blatant lying and posturing for the courts).  Then he has the audacity to call me this morning regarding a benign matter about our son and supplies for school as if what he says and does and how he says and does it has no carry over to anything else.

They just don't GET IT!!!!  They are TRULY SICK and twisted.
What we need to remember is to keep on marching straight forward according to our beliefs, WHICH ARE NOT WRONG (no matter how they try to mess with it) and DO NOT let these guys sidetrack us, or question our own motives.  That's all this legal crap is.  Stuff to scare us, and knock us off center.  Don't let him do it.
See it as a bunch of extranneous BS (which it is) and STAY FOCUSED on your and your children's happy life.
Get your lawyer to do the dirty work. Stay away from the direct conflict yourself when at all possible and use your lawyer for armour.

I am currently in a horrible scene with my ex the past few days (so sick I don't even want to explain) and I have been alternately crying and spitting mad, so I know how you feel.  It helps to vent and then let it go...(which I seem to be practicing every five friggin seconds!).

He is still a mindless gnat, trapped by his own dysfunction.  I will NOT go down the path of: "but other people believe him!" (which sometimes they do), but instead try to remember that I am NOT LYING and I don't have to "remember" my lies.....I can speak the truth with LOVING INTENTION for my children and toward myself, and I can disregard his garbage....and let the lawyer take the garbage out. (that's why they get the big bucks!!)

Remember that no matter what he does or says, YOU are the mother, YOU are doing what is right.  Do NOT let him rock your boat!
Hang in there, sister: solidarity rocks.  I'm with you!!!

love , MUM

[Cadbury]

Hello Everyone,

Well, he has spent a few days writing me emails of lies (my family are controlling me, my family are abusing me, my children are at risk, etc etc). I have been so restrained and have not replied to any of them. Nearly bitten my lips off, but haven't responded! He phoned yesterday and I hung up. Yesterday I received this :

 We really do need to talk, you want to trust but you don't see that you have broken the trust I had in you this is not a one way street. I don't want to argue but you are following your mothers advice which you know is flawed. I am not against you. I will not say or do anything until you can regain that trust. I will prove to you that we can talk because I am willing to stop the court case, remember you refused to let me or my family see him after I pleaded with you. Please talk.

This is him being reasonable and trying to appeal to me! I have not responded so I don't know what he may do next, but I am now getting angry that he still feels he is in the right all the time. I am now going t ofight to keep my precious son as far away from his destructive father as possible. I really feel for all you others that are going through the same kind of crap - I hope one day we will all be free from their lies and destruction.

The good news is that my son is thriving. He is putting on weight really well and getting to the unbearably cute chubby stage. He hasn't quite gotten the hang of the whole sleeping thing, but he has started proper big gummy smiles which are heart melting! My two daughters are also well and I'm not letting my ex's lies and crap spill over into our family life.

We can all do this. My prayers are with all of you also going through the crap. God bless and good wishes.

[Brigid]

Cadbury,
I'm so sorry for all the BS being thrown your way.  But I am sooooo glad that your beautiful boy is thriving and smiling.  I really miss those cuddly days (not the sleepless nights, however     ) and would happily babysit if we didn't have that big body of water between us   .

Stay strong, get as much rest as you can, whenever you can.  Fight for that baby with all that you can muster.  You are in my prayers.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hiya Cadbury:

Very glad to hear that your son is growing and smiling and that your daughters are doing well too!  It's a big change for them having a new baby brother.  Glad to hear the good stuff!

As to the crap.........you sound like you are very determined to protect your son from it and like you are feeling a little stronger now.

Good for you for not responding to those emails!!
Good for you for your decision to fight this goose legally! (Johnimo says "goose" means bad person in Auzieland!  I like it!"

Good for you for not letting your ex's junk spill into your family life!!

These are not easy things to do and you are doing them!  Good for you!!

And you are also doing a good job of keeping a level head, which isn't easy either, I bet!  How did it go with the lawyer?  (sorry if you posted already and I missed it .  I can look back if so).

Keep going Cadbury!  You can do this!  Sending you much energy.... to help you through this....and many prayers.

GFN

[mum]

Cadbury: I am glad to hear the power in your post.  You are doing so well.
And your focus is strong....your children!  This other BS is just stuff to distract you from that focus...and you are not letting it! Good for you.
You have three (is that right?) happy and healthy children and they are that way because of you!!!!!  You are an awesome mother.

Your ex wanting to talk, "sincerely", reminds me of the beginnings of our legal matters (between me and the exN).  He called me, after a settlement hearing (which of course, did not "settle" anything) to tell me he was "inspired" by what that judge said.  This intrigued me, because that judged basically asked my ex what this vendetta of his against me was about, and why he couldn't just "do the right thing" and let me get on with my life?  
So I let him keep talking. He said, "could we meet, just the two of us and talk about this?"  So I said, "fine, but not alone, lets use a mediator."  He balked...and said, "well, do you want to still move?" (the case was about my relocating with the children), and I said , "of course", and he said, "well, never mind then."
He hadn't heard a word that judge said!  What he heard was "I should talk to Mum and convince her of how right I am and if I do it alone she will buckle under!!:"

My point is this.  Don't believe one word he says....he is not being reasonable, he doesn't know how.  He is a typical N with one agenda and only one. To punish you for not doing what he wants you to.

Hang in there, sweetie!!  Ditto on the babysitting (actually my daughter is the great babysitterhere)....and the ocean issue......

[Serena]

Thank you all again. I am not really thinking straight right now as he has written me the longest email full of crap I have ever heard. Everything is my fault as usual. I have responded to it in as calm a manner as possible, but I don't know if I should have. I am now thinking that I should just let him take me to court and fight it out there.

Mum - your post was almost a prophecy!

I have tried to think about the future and how my son may feel about things, but it is difficult to think of how a relationship with his father may be for him. Maybe I will be enough of a balancing, loving, confidence building effect on him so that the crap from his father won't destroy him. Who knows? Maybe if all his contact were supervised and light hearted then he would stop all this crap. Then I think of my beautiful boy being destroyed by my ex and I can't bear it.

I am speaking to a solicitor tomorrow and hopefully that will help me work out what I CAN do and what I need to do for each case etc.

Well, I fel crap now and am going off to cry and get myself together.

Thanks all of you again. You help me so much.

Cadbury, Honey

Bring as much 'evidence' as you can to the solicitor, I don't know if you are on legal aid or have been in touch with Cafcass (or used their website).  I think with a good solicitor and barrister, you have good cause for denying your 'ex' custody and / or access to your little boy.

I know you've posted where you live before, does he live close by?  Will he be a constant 'threat'?  If so I would get in touch with KCC or Canterbury refuges and ask for a house move.

Once you take care of the legal stuff and if he is denied custody or visiting rights, I would leave where you are.  It's a big county and a big country.

Don't feel guilty about denying your little fella 'his dad'..........  he has choices to make when he is older.

Kindest regards

[OR]

Cadbury,  I have a book I'm reading "never be lied to again"
It takes apart what people say and how they say it. Its very intresting.
I found it helps to read between the lines.

When I read this it may be obvious to most, I see a Devide and Conquer.

1. WE- you know it will be his agenda you will be listening to, not a WE.
2. He questions your trust, maybe new informaiton has changed your trust THIS IS GOOD but he makes it sound like you owe him, not allowed to have a change in your thinking. (Brain Washing)


[

quote]We really do need to talk, you want to trust but you don't see that you have broken the trust I had in you this is not a one way street.

Devide you from any support you may find, even if your mothers advice is flawed maybe in this case it's not.

I don't want to argue but you are following your mothers advice which you know is flawed.

I would wonder why he would think you can't trust him unless he knows you have GOOD reason not to trust him.

I am not against you. I will not say or do anything until you can regain that trust.

He wants to prove because it's a bluff, if you didn't want his family to see the baby, they would gang up on you and get in your face until you cave into their demands. I would stay away until you are stronger to face them.
If they don't understand the problems with him already then he should explain it to them.

I will prove to you that we can talk because I am willing to stop the court case, remember you refused to let me or my family see him after I pleaded with you. Please talk.

[/quote]


Keep strong and remember you can change your mind about your life.
You once belived he was wonderful then things changed.
You can be wrong sometimes in your life and you don't have to explain.


I don't know if any of this helps you, I will keep reading.     OR

[Cadbury]

Thanks again everyone, you are all so good for me. I so need this support at the moment.

OR - That was very insightful, thank you. It is what he does all the time. He says things like the thing about my mother as though it is afact that I know all about. In actual fact I am very close to my mother and she found it hilarious that he had said that about her.

 Likewise with the contact. I had offered to go to see his parents and he had been very critical of the way I was going, the time I would spend etc. I had said I would spend an hour or so with them and he thought it should be more. I told him it was because it was an hours journey to get there and an hour to get back so it was at least 3 hours of effort, but he still kept almost attacking me. In the end I said that if he carried on like that I wouldn't go. He did and so I said okay, I won't go and I'll send your parents a letter saying why. He then tried to retract it all, but I had ended the conversation as it was starting to wear me down too much. When I'd calmed down I sent a yahoo message saying I would go to his parents as they didn't deserve to be punished for his behaviour. He didn't get the message and so while I was at his parents house, he filed the papers. Then he started with his lies (saying he felt the children were in danger from the controlling attitude of my family and worse) so I stopped talking to him altogether. Mostly for my own safety and sanity as his lies were threatening all kinds of things.

But, yes, I can see exactly his intention by reading through the lines and I totally agree with your opinion. Very interesting, thank you.

Serena - I saw the solicitor yesterday and because my grant cheque was paid in my bank account was too far in credit to automatically get legal aid, so I'm waiting to hear from them about that. I have brought all the evidence to the solicitor but it seems that it is a big fight to stop all contact. I am prepared to fight, but it is difficult to know what he will lie about to get his own way. The solicitor also said that I can apply to have him psychiatrically (sp?) assessed. The downside of that is that if the psychiatirst can find no threat then he would get unsupervised visits immediately. I know how well he lies so I am undecided about that. I have plenty of evidence to support him having very limited contact but apparently if he turns up to all his contact times and is well behaved it may move to unsupervised contact n the future. The thought just makes me feel sick. But I will fight as much as I can and hope that the right thing wins. Thank you for your kind words and support.

Mum - It is so true. He wants to talk, but he actually means "change your mind". That is why he is coming out with all the crap about my family 0 he cannot believe I have made decisions without him telling me what to do. He tries to portray me as weak and floundering, when I am not at all.

GFN - Thank you!
Brigid  - and you!

If I could move to America I would! I haven't even been there, but I've always wanted to! I cannot say how much all this means to me. People who understand and support me when we've never met is so special. When this is over I hope I can be there for some of you too!

[Anonymous]

(((Cadbury)))

I hope that you can get at minimum the supervised visits.

I know all your worries all to well.  

I will keep you and your baby in my prayers.

Mia

[Cadbury]

Thank you Mia!

Just watching news at lunchtime and there's a story of a young man (19) who killed his parents last July. He was due to start medical school and everything, promising future the works. Went mad, killed his parents in a frenzy and then went on holiday and spent £30,000 on their credit cards. The Crown court today accepted his plea of manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility as he has NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!! I am actually quite scared now. How could I ever prove it? He will lie to trick anyone, so a Psychiatrist will never get a diagnosis. Oh well. I will pray that this turns out okay.

[Anonymous]

Cadbury,

Keep the faith.  I know my children's therapist has already seen through X N.  I never thought she would but it happened and in a very short time.

Mia

[Anonymous]

Hiya Cadbury:

Hopefully the lawyer will help you get what is needed to protect your child.  I would keep insisting that this is my priority based on my ex's very inconsistent emails (he changes his angle, tone per email, showing his sudden mood swings, somewhat paranoid thinking and manipulative tendancies.....not good for giving me stable trust that he will parent with compassion, consistency or responsibility).  I would be pointing out that no contact will be best for the child.  This person uses children to get to their mothers and when that doesn't work, discards the child, as has been proven by his behaviour toward his other child (children?--sorry I can't remember).

You don't have to let him visit your son at all, for now, if you choose not to.  Does his tone cause you to feel threatened at all?   Document this well, if so and be sure to tell the attorney.

diminished responsibility as he has NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!!

Note the time, channel, date of this news broadcast.  Again, report to lawyer.  If you do decide to ask for a psychiatric assessment....this shows that NPD's have deminished responsibility.....according to the courts....so how can they be trusted to visit children and not cause harm...even under supervision????  Doesn't one have to be fully responsible when caring for young children?  Might be of use???  I don't know.

I'm rooting for you too, Cadbury.  And still praying.

GFN

[Cadbury]

Thanks again GFN and everyone. I will keep you all posted as to how it goes. Hopefully I will be able to protect my baby from him.

[Cadbury]

hello everyone,

one handed typing as my beautiful baby son is curled up under my arm fast asleep! Apologies for mistakes in advance!

Well, it was court yesterday and although it was only a district judge I was terrified. My ex was a bit of a twit (including being really rude to the cafcass officers) but the judge decided that he should have one hours contact per week at a contact centre for now with a review in 2 months. It is very hard, but I am going to try and make it as amicable as possible for the sake of my son. My ex even said comments about my abilities as a mother which i nearly bit my arm off to ignore. The name is still an issue and he has threatened to sue me for custody too so we'll have to see how it goes.

I am glad the first step is over, but wish it could all be so much easier. Feel a bit down about it, but still .... the media at the moment has ensured that any man with functioning testicles gets to call himself a father, so I guess I'll have to live with it.

[Brigid]

Cadbury,
I sorry for the stress Mr. Sperm Donor is applying, but at least your boy is protected for now.  With any luck he will get bored with the process and just go away.

Please send that baby over for a visit so I can cuddle him for awhile. 

Hugs and blessings,

Brigid