Author Topic: Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.  (Read 9059 times)

Anonymous

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #30 on: June 28, 2005, 09:08:56 AM »
I am really pleased to here this.

LM

Brigid

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #31 on: June 28, 2005, 10:03:13 AM »
GFN,
I'm so glad the evening went well and you got to enjoy your princess without any distractions.  I hate that forever more I will have to mentally prepare for these encounters.   I'm guessing it will get better with time, but who knows.

On Saturday we had our community 4th of July (we do it early) celebration.  We start with a big parade in the morning.  I was driving my convertible in support of my curling club (with about 40 members of the club who marched) and who shows up in another vehicle in the parade--my ex.  We have lived separately in the same community of about 20,000 people for 20 months or so and it was the first time I have run into him.  Unfortunately, I was not mentally prepared so it caught me by surprise, but there was no opportunity for any verbal contact so I just had that sick feeling for a short time and went on to have fun for the rest of the day.  What I have to concentrate on is that virtually anyone who knew us as a couple has supported me and thinks he's scum, so I can proudly show my face around town.

Anyway, didn't mean to make this about me and I'm so glad it worked out so well for you.  The great thing is that there will be no photos of him at the event to create a lasting painful memory.  I'm sorry that your daughter had to be disappointed once again, but if he had been there and tried to start something unpleasant, that would have certainly been more difficult for her in the long run.  I often wonder if my ex realizes that there will not be any repeat performances of these important moments of his children's lives.  Probably not since it's not about him.

Hugs,

Brigid

Anonymous

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #32 on: June 28, 2005, 10:28:08 AM »
GFN,

Awesome!!! Thanks for the update.   :D  

bunny

mudpuppy

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #33 on: June 28, 2005, 10:50:29 AM »
Hi GFN and everybody,

Given the excellent outcome (congratulations GFN! :D ) of your daughter's graduation it brings to mind a couple of questions I have been mulling over.

1. Why do we worry, when we know it is a pointless exercise?
2. How do we not worry?

I'm not saying I don't worry, I do, but I sure wish I could stop.

At the risk of causing offense which seems exceedingly easy for me here lately,
Jesus said "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Why is it so hard to let tomorrow worry about its own things?
What emotional need does worry fulfill? The need to get an upset stomach, or the need to wake up at 2:00AM to count the holes in the ceiling tiles? :?  :roll:

mudpup

Anonymous

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #34 on: June 28, 2005, 11:04:31 AM »
Gotta rush out but just wanted to say thanks LM, Bunny, Brigid (and good for you for going on and having fun and enjoying the rest of your parade day....even with the shocking encounter of seeing your ex!! ).

Those are questions really worth thinking about Mud!
(and the 33 degree weather, along with a pile of weeney but very agrivating ants in my kitchen......will be taking a tole on my thoughts as well as those questions of yours today I think!).

Brigid:  Do you miss the varmits from the country? :shock:   Right now I'm missing my ex neighbour, in the city, who is a pest control person!

GFN

mum

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #35 on: June 28, 2005, 12:01:46 PM »
GFN!! Fantastic. I am so glad things went well, and your daughter got the focus!!! In a big way!!
Ok, this will definately come under scrutiny, (even from myself!) because it's after the fact.....but when you first posted your concern, I had one thought immediately:
it was that "things we worry about most, rarely come to pass."
I almost posted that but I am not much on soothsaying....maybe I "know" something I don't know!!!!!
I didn't see the things you worried about even happening.  Chalk it up to experience as a world class ex worrier, or you can fancy me with psychic powers (blink the lights here!!! :shock: )
Like that hindsight????? :roll:


I am just so glad it worked out for you and your daughter.

Mud, worry is such a topic for my family, in particular the girls (there are a lot of us). My mother was a huge worrier, and now (she is passing, slowly) her body is purging the years of worry in it's failing chemical state (you may remember she is in gradual renal failure) She now must be on heavy anti-psychotics to "function".
A few years ago, when she started to fail, I told myself that I needed to get a handle on worrying so that in fourty years, I am not living my last few days in emotional upset.
Worry has NEVER done a darn thing of use for anyone. I have yet to see that any emotional obsession has ever been productive.  I spend a lot of my time releasing worry and obsession from my body so that I can be free of it. It is hard work, but after seeing how it keeps people from being joyful in life, I find it is one very important thing for me to master!
And, ironically, doing so is truly a matter of faith.

Anonymous

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #36 on: June 28, 2005, 12:37:28 PM »
Good question, mud. Easy for Jesus to say! :)
I'm a big worrier to the point of rumination at times. Worry, for me, is like magical thinking. If I worry about it enough, some magic will make it all better. It's a defense against feeling out-and-out panic. Worry is the lesser evil. If this makes any sense.

bunny

Portia

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #37 on: June 28, 2005, 01:10:10 PM »
GFN great news about maths! :D Wooooeeeee :D  8)

Sad for your D that there was no communication about the no-show but we all have to learn that some people's words are not to be trusted. I wish I'd learnt that earlier!

Nevertheless, I'm glad you didn't resort to the bag o' fake sick :P tut tut, don't know why I'd be so childish as to suggest that :D  :D  :D

Plucky

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #38 on: June 28, 2005, 08:40:24 PM »
Yaye!  A happy ending!  See everyone, it is possible!
Excessively
Plucky

Anonymous

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #39 on: June 29, 2005, 02:57:51 PM »
Hello everyone:

Hey Mum:

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"things we worry about most, rarely come to pass."


Exactly, in my experience.  Therefore, worrying almost...stops things from happening??? :shock:  :?  :D

Do you think the energy used to mentally combat such worries has any effect on events, or is it just fate?  Just something that I thought of at this moment.  Maybe a goofy thought? :roll:

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Chalk it up to experience as a world class ex worrier, or you can fancy me with psychic powers .


Love the foresight and the hindsight! :D  (and the flashing lights!! :D ).

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Worry has NEVER done a darn thing of use for anyone.


I have some thoughts on this.  Stay tuned. :wink:

Hi Bunny:

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Easy for Jesus to say!


 :D  :D  :D

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It's a defense against feeling out-and-out panic.


That's one way of putting it.  Makes sense too, to me, big time.

Hey Portia:

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we all have to learn that some people's words are not to be trusted. I wish I'd learnt that earlier!


Very good point!  I wish I'd learned that a lot...lot...lot earlier too!! :(

Hi Plucky:

Another good point about happy endings being possible.  Wishing this for you, very much, too, in your situation.  Then I'll be posting some big, huge, giant, massive, large:

YaY!!!!!!!!'s of my own!!

So......I've been thinking about Mud's questions and here's what came up, for me:

Quote
1. Why do we worry, when we know it is a pointless exercise?


I think worrying is part of my coping technique (isn't that a lovely term?? 8) ).  Worrying, again, this is my perception, isn't totally pointless, or a total waste of time (although I often say it is).  To a certain extent, I think worrying is necessary and does, as Bunny pointed out, defend me....keep me from total panic, or maybe.....it precludes it??? :shock:

When I worry, some, I try to keep within a sort of invisible line.  I allow myself to worry and then I try to examine my worries, to see if they are realistic, or totally discardable.  I'm not perfect, so sometimes I worry about silly stuff.  That's when it's a waste of time, imo.  So a more accurate way of putting it might be:

Worrying is sometimes a waste of time, or often a waste of time, or not always a good use of time????

That is....because if I worry about stuff that might actually happen, that seems likely, possible, or quite certain......I have identified something that needs a plan, for me.  And if I can come up with a way to deal with those possibilities, or certainties, etc, I feel a whole lot better about it all and I stop worrying.  So, even though the actual worrying hasn't solved the trouble, it has brought it to light, so I can then decide what to do about it, if there is anything that can be done.

When I find myself a) losing sleep and b) with skin eruptions, I know I need help and I try to get it.  This is something  that I haven't mastered, I think.  It would be good, if I were to seek support, a little prior to these symptoms.  However, so far, I still need work in this department :oops: .

2. How do we not worry?

This question had me going for quite some time.  Imagine a world without worry?  Wouldn't it be marvelous??  Total relaxation, all of the time.  No worries.  No plans to make.  Not a care in the world!

Wait a minute?  How could that be?  Isn't worry a sort of instinct, in a way?  Keeps us from doing dangerous things, sometimes, or from acting in certain ways?  For me it is.  If I feel worried, especially when I can't put my finger on why, or what is causing it, I pay great attention to it.  I have learned to trust my gut feeling about some stuff (not all stuff....but some stuff.....I still need work here too, I think).  But generally, compared to say.....when I was much younger.....I pay big attention to what I call: unwarrented worry.  If it smells bad in my brain....I turn the fan on and run!!  

Behaviourwise, worry keeps me from saying/doing stuff too, sometimes (again......not always...but sometimes.....oh oh.....more work! :roll: ).  I worry about hurting others, so I don't say and do everything that I might like to.  Imagine if we did that?  Just said or did whatever we wanted, when we wanted, to whom we wanted, without regard for them, without worrying about them, or the consequences of our words, or actions?

Wait a minute.......isn't that what people who act like N's do? :shock:

(Again, in my case......more work needed,  :? , sometimes I mess up! :oops: and say and do stuff I would have been better off to worry about a little :( ).

Worry seems good for me in this respect.  If I didn't worry, I wouldn't give a hoot about anyone else.  I'd be happy as a lark (ya think? :? ) but stepping on every toe in sight.

But Mud's question probably means something more like.....how do we stop worrying about silly things?  Or even maybe....when do we know it's time to stop?

I think, because I am human, I will make mistakes and worry about stupid stuff, sometimes, till my days are done.   I have set the limit for myself that when I lose sleep or break out in lumps, I need to take steps to move on to the evaluation of worries/planning stages, and to ask for support from another person, if there is a way.  It would be nice if I were more able to do this sooner and I have that goal.  I doubt I will ever totally stop worrying.  And, in a way, for the benefit of people's toes, I hope I don't stop.  :D
 
3. Why is it so hard to let tomorrow worry about its own things?

This is hard isn't it?  For me it is.  I'm a planner.  I like things to make logical sense to me, or I just have a hard time buying.  I like a certain amount of order and organization.  I don't like chaos.  I feel disoriented and confused in it.  Worry feels chaotic to me.  I never know what silly worry will pop into my head.  I don't really worry a whole lot about the past, I think.  And now seems like it's ok, a lot of the time, so that doesn't really worry me.  But the future.........whoooooooooeeeeeee that's my baby!!!  Always hopeful for better days ahead!  Worrying about what might go wrong is my specialty!!  It's a habit?  It's a coping mechanism?  It's a defense against panic?

If I based the future on the past......I would definately be inclined to panic.
Maybe I do that a little?  So my way to combat that worry is...  I plan.  And then, I do worry sometimes about certain recurrence possibilities.....but hope keeps me sort of grounded, most of the time, I think.

I worry best.....when I haven't got a clue about what might happen!!  That is good for a few dilly episodes of near..panic and large pustules appearing....anywhere on my body.  That doesn't happen as often as it used to.  Not for quite some time actually.  So......I must be doing some of the work!! 8) ...(Whew!  Maybe I'm not a total lost cause!!! 8) ).

The future is something I haven't got a clue about... but, ....because I worry a little and plan a lot, hope a lot, and try to have that faith that better days will be here......it's not one of those great pustule-producing-panic thingys, usually.  I do depend on God to be there with me, I admit, no matter what happens.

It is hard not to worry though, if I have a fairly good idea, or an instinctual feeling about what will most likely happen.  I wouldn't mind if I was never right but the trouble is....sometimes I am right and I worry fairly accurately. :shock:  :shock:

I'm glad, re graduation, I was wrong!  Glad!  Glad!  Glad!  :D  :D  :D

4. What emotional need does worry fulfill?

For me....it's definately a control issue.  I need to feel like I have some plans/control about what to do if this or that happens.  It's nish I think.  It stops me from worrying further, if I can do some planning.  If I can't think of a plan.....I feel greater fear.  So maybe, for me, worry leads to planning in order to stifle fear?

Worry  :arrow:  planning (stop sign icon please) > fear :?:

Or maybe I'm just a worry wart.....thinking up good excuses for worrying??

Makes me wonder if other people see anything good about worrying?
Or if it really is...just a complete waste of time?? :arrow:

GFN

Plucky

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #40 on: June 29, 2005, 04:55:47 PM »
I think excessive worry is what people do who have had bad things happen where they had no control over it and perhaps no forewarning.   So they were a bad surprise.

So we think and think about the situation, to try to find all the risks.  We can't believe it's not going to happen again.  We don't want to be blindsided by a bad event.  We want to control the outcome by being able to foresee it and maybe change things to influence it.

People who have been abused as children are logically more likely to worry needlessly, as we have been conditioned to experience unwarranted and illogical punishment from the most inappropriate sources.

Some of the things you are calling worry, GFN I think are just normal concern.  Worry is going over and over a thing that you cannot control, not thinking through the results of your own actions.

So, although I am a big fat worrywart, I do not think it is a good thing.  I cannot say that all my worry has been worth it.  I want to trust fate more.  I want to trust others more, trust the world, trust God.

Plucky

Butterfly

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #41 on: June 30, 2005, 11:09:52 PM »
GFN,
Hooraaaaay!!! I'm so glad you had a wonderful day at your daughter's graduation. :D  :D   For some reason, I knew everything will turn out A-okay.

Mudpup wrote,
Quote
Why is it so hard to let tomorrow worry about its own things?
What emotional need does worry fulfill?

Thanks for posing the question, Mud.  I agree with what GFN said about worrying.

Quote
That is....because if I worry about stuff that might actually happen, that seems likely, possible, or quite certain......I have identified something that needs a plan, for me. And if I can come up with a way to deal with those possibilities, or certainties, etc, I feel a whole lot better about it all and I stop worrying.


As GFN has expressed it, it's all about having control or being in charge over the events of our lives.  I think it's human nature to have the need to be in control over our own situations, whatever they may be.  I think it's also about trust.  Maybe, that is why little children don't worry about much of anything.  That's b/c they have complete trust in their primary caregiver.  They have complete trust in whoever is taking care of them that he/she will provide all their needs.  As I see it, they don't have a problem with worrying when their basic needs are met.  IMO, worrying is a learned trait.

Quote
Jesus said "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

In paraphrasing Jesus, I think he is saying you can trust me with your life because I have everything under control.  No need to worry, cuz I'm taking good care of you today and everyday.  So yeah, I think worrying has a lot to do with the issue of trust and having our basic needs met.

Isn't it true, we are all like little children needing/wanting someone to just completely take care of us, hold us close and say that everything will be alright.

Just my 2cents,
Butterfly

Brigid

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Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #42 on: July 01, 2005, 01:25:26 AM »
GFN,

Quote
Brigid: Do you miss the varmits from the country?


Some varmits are still with me. :x   My kitties brought 2 mice (I hate mice) into my bedroom one night recently.  Of course, it was while my son was out of town so I had to handle it on my own.  I did manage to get rid of both of them, but not without a great loss of sleep and a lot of anxiety.

Maybe you could give me the name of your exterminator.   :shock:

B.

Sela

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Re: Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #43 on: July 15, 2005, 05:57:19 PM »
Hi Brigid!

Just peaking back a few pages and I saw this.

Welllll.......my exterminator is me.  I, somehow, managed to get rid of the latest pest....for now at least...which is none other than the pharoh ant.  They're pesky little N-ants that multiply a kazillion times per some-short-period-of-time and are said to be impossible to rid.  Well....they invaded my kitchen and I mean invaded!!  They are the tiniest little ants I have ever seen and I had no idea what they were.  I called my ex-neighbour (the real pest exterminator) and he told me a few tips.

One was not to use chemical cleaners because it causes the colony to split up and form new colonies, including new queens.
Great!  I had already gone balistic with the bleach and sure enough they were in two places in my kitchen now!!! :roll:

I noticed they seemed to enjoy the peanut butter jar, so I jammed a knife in, covered it with peanut butter and set it on the counter to see what would happen (because every type of bait I had set out so far had been bypassed).  The little guys went straight for the knife!!

Next, I put those ant drops on the knife with the peanut butter (the drops you can buy in the hardware store to kill ants) and the ants kept eating!!!

When I spoke with my ex-neighbour the pest guy...he said I had successfully "changed their eating pattern from protein to sugar" and he congratulated me.  :shock: I kept feeding them and every day there would be piles of dead ones.  It was really gross but I was happy to see them keeling over (I do admit).  :x

Apparently, there can be thousands more in the wall (workers and queens), compared to those you see out in the open (the workers).  Anyway, it's been 2 weeks now since I've seen one, so I'm hopeful that they fed the poison to their queens and the whole fun time is now over!

Your kitties were giving you a gift when they brought you those mice (wish they would bring stuff like pretty stones and flowers instead eh?).  As for mice.....they love peanut butter too.  I caught 8 of them when I first moved here and haven't seen any since.  Just with a bit of peanut butter on the traps.  I know what you mean about not liking them.  They're nasty!!  :mrgreen: Glad you were able to catch them.

One of my dogs thinks she's a cat and likes to catch mice too, but I've only seen her stalk them and catch them outside (at which point she snaps their necks and drops them and walks away).  :? My new pup is a hunter and has so far brought me 5 baby bunnies and a bird. :(  Bringing me gifts is nice but the poor things! :(  I guess it's nature but not the nicest part eh?

Varmits!  Bugs!  These I do not like about the country.   A good trade for the crime and smog that thrives in the city though.  And I do love to see the deer, especially the little fawns.

Take care Brigid.  Hope things are going well for you.  Come fall, I'm going to plant some tulips for you.

Sela/GFN

Sallying Forth

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Re: Trying but not succeeding at not worrying.
« Reply #44 on: July 16, 2005, 01:20:36 AM »
One thing which helped me years ago was a psychologist with an alternate point of view. I was on my way to visit my Nparents and Nbrother, his wife, children, and all my brothers and their families for Christmas dinner. My stomach had been tied in knots for days. I didn't want to be anywhere near my Nbrother and has nasty behavior. His was worse than my Nparents.

The psychologist suggested I treat my Nparents and Nbrother like someone who is old and senile. (At the time he didn't know they were N.) He told me to close my eyes and bring to mind an old, senile person. Then asked me how I would treat them. How would I react to them.

When I opened my eyes the first thing I said was I certainly wouldn't be worried about what they said because in my mind they'd be crazy. He congratulated me on the first step. Then said whenever you think of the Christmas dinner, remind yourself that your family is senile. That they don't know what they're saying or why they're saying it. They're just a little crazy. :)

Well I'll tell you it worked. I went to the Christmas dinner with a different attitude and it showed. What do you say to someone who senile?

S:   "Hello, how are you?" He's trying to get a foothold into my life.
Me: "Fine"
S:   "What's been happening with you?"  Second try.
Me: "Oh, not much. How about you?"
S:   "Not much?" Exasperated that I wont engage him.
Me: "Not much."
S:   "Oh." Walks away because he can't get a foothold.

Or my other favorite answers come from a web site drirene.com where she tell's you what works for verbal abusers. The tools work great for Ns as well.
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D