Hi Kelly,
Personally, I believe in the whole "two become one flesh" quality of marriage. To me, this means not just physical oneness, but also spiritual and emotional unity. As their mother, emotionally and spiritually, I don't become one with my children... but rather, my goal is to equip them with the tools they'll need in order to separate from me at the appropriate time. With my husband, since God brought us together and binds us in unity, I don't even consider it a matter of choosing him above my kids... we are one in unity over the kids.
Kelly, I have a blended family and I know that my husband felt like an interloper at first. We all had to make room for him, since he moved into our home. Not just physical space, but emotional space, as well, along with an openness to welcome his input into what had become our routine, our traditions, and our patterns. We had to compromise alot and we also had to make a concerted effort to form new traditions that would be ours alone. It's been 2 1/2 years for us and we're still settling in. We could never survive if either of us considered our priorities as a choice between our mate and our kids. No way.
It's got to be "us", the family unit, with 2 parents presenting a united front to the kids... or everything falls apart at the seams.
My husband has not always been deserving of my respect, nor have I always earned his respect, but I had to give him authority in our home. Yes, authority. Over the kids. I had to give it to him, because a woman ruling the roost will undo a man quicker than anything. That is what I believe. I watched my mother rule her house with an iron fist and it's rubbish, totally backwards. My husband and have the understanding between us that we'll discuss things before he implements a plan with the children, but they know that he has full authority and that we are a team. Of course he's not going to get away with taking us along to help him rob a bank or something. I mean within reason, within the law, within the guidelines of rational, mature, adult behavior. If I didn't make it clear to the kids that he is the man of the house in every sense of the term, they'd play us one against the other to no end and there would never be peace. They have tried, but we've just had to be sensitive to that and not allow it to go unaddressed.
I used to be so afraid to bring up any problems. Some people I know would get all upset and angry and read their husband the riot act if he acted like an idiot, but I would just clam up and feel miserable. Now I know that excessive drinking or drug use or raging are definitely issues that need to be addressed and some firm boundaries drawn. It's not even that I got over my fear of conflict, it's just the fear of not speaking up has become greater. That's kinda why I'm writing to you now. I know alot of folks give advice and come across as thinking it's all so simple and why don't you just see it. But I really do know how hard it is to face some of the things that come up in marriage, and I certainly don't think I have it all figured out; I just don't want you to think your situation is impossible. See, to me it's not about trying to fix your husband, it's about creating a strong, secure home for your whole family. When I didn't know how to face up to the tough stuff, I never felt safe. Now I have much more confidence in my own ability to be direct and calm and not overreact, but it's taken alot of practice. I don't pray "Oh, God, make my husband a better man". Instead I pray, "O God, give me a heart of love for him and wisdom to know how to deal with these situations. Change me as You see fit and give me strength". It's not easy at all, but it works.
I'm not sure what you mean by "choosing him over the girls", but allowing dangerous behavior to continue would not be choosing your husband at all. That would actually be choosing against him, I think. We need each other to hold each other accountable and talk some very straight talk lest either of us strays off the path. If my husband liked to get drunk, I'd tell him my concern for his own wellbeing and for my family and me. I'd offer my support in his efforts to quit and get involved in digging to the roots of the problem as much as I could. But if he refused to stop and refused to get help, I'd engage someone else to try to talk with him ... another Christian man, in our case. If he still didn't respond, I think we'd have to separate until he showed a sincere effort to overcome it and a willingness to be held accountable. That wouldn't be choosing my kids or myself above him, it would be choosing the truth above a lie and standing strong for my family. Really, it would be choosing life instead of death.
In our life, it's God first, then marriage, then children. Has to be that way, from our perspective, because without the firm foundation, the rest crumbles.
Hope this helps.
Much love,
Hope
