Why Does Boundary Setting Feel so Traumatic

[Certain Hope]

Dear Kelly,

He is a bit stoic and awkwardly backward and shy around people he doesn't know.  He would rather sit around and get drunk and try to hide that fact from my kids

That describes me just a few years ago. When I remarried after N, my husband's care, tenderness, and patience carried me through the remainder of that darkness. It's a terrible thing to feel so overwhelmed by circumstances that it seems better to hide in a bottle than face reality. I was there and I remember so well the sense of hopelessness. He didn't demand perfection, just made it clear that he wanted to be with me, no matter what. He prayed for me, too. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for him and the way God used him to show me what love really is. Sometimes I still want to bolt and run, but I can't forget where I was, and that helps me remember what it takes to stand fast.
He set a good example for me then and didn't turn away. I can't do anything less for him, even when it's obvious that he's just an imperfect man. I hope I don't sound like your mom. Just telling you my story because it's true... and to me, that's what marriage is all about. Not 50/50 at all.. sometimes it's 90/10 as one helps the other to his/her feet.

Love,
Hope

[Overcomer]

OK, so here's what I think about that.  One day I have had it and I am ready to drop kick him.  The next day I am sympathetic and feel I was irrational.  I do that a lot = my emotions do tend to go up and down, up and down................

I had a conversation with him today and told him that while his career is on an uphill swing, his drinking can derail all the positives...even if it doesn't happen immediately.  He went away and came back and acknowledged that if he were to get caught drunk driving it could ruin his career as our newspaper publishes the names of intoxicated drivers.

I even told him that I wasn't opposed to social drinking, it was the need to get drunk every Thursday, Friday and all day Saturday - every week that made me uncomfortable.  I said couldn't you limit your drinking to just one day a week??  Well, he came back with, couldn't he start later in the day on Saturday and make sure he ate first??  Well, in my mind that is a baby step - but a step.  There is a difference between cracking the first beer at 10 am and being passed out by 2 pm, and having lunch at noon and drink a few beers while watching a football game at 2:30.......................still not perfect, but a step.

So, Hope, while I understand where you are coming from, I have been with a couple of men who have sucked the life out of me.  And if I feel for one minute that my new husband is going to fall in line with the rest of them and take and take and take and never give a thing, then I will not stay, and I DEFINITELY will not put him before my children!!

Boy, If I called into Dr. Laura she would let me have it, wouldn't she?  She would have told me to not get remarried until I had my children raised in the first place!!

[Hopalong]

Hi Kelly,
I am not on the same page about sacrificing almost everything to try to help an alcoholic.
I think it's a way of assuming responsibility for their sobriety. And I believe they sense it and are only to happy to keep us hanging on by pulling us into their negotiations. I think his offer to "eat first, then get drunk" is classic.

I do believe in compassion, forgiveness, and love. (I continued to love my D's alcoholic father, but when he would not accept the reality of his addiction, within six months, I initiated divorce.)

For me, because I do not take scripture as my authority, when I realized he was willing to hold me and my child hostage to his addiction, all the while I suffered intensely while he was pleasantly numb from being always drunk or stoned...

I had a "click" moment when I said to myself: My life matters. My YEARS matter. My precious TIME matters. More than any words printed or spoken. Words are words and my life is my LIFE. I will die. And I will not want to look back and say, you gave it away, to someone who would not fight for you. Or himself.

And that was when my rebellion against the vows I held sacred and that for so long held me prisoner began. It's over. And now I know what my own limits are, never mind a mate's.

I would like to marry again. I will never again promise "'til death us do part." I will never again ask anyone else if my well-being is important enough to sever a relationship over, even a married one.

Hops

[Overcomer]

Comment on the eat first and then get drunk thing..........................well, we went out to eat Saturday night.  He did some yard work and ate lunch.  Then we went to a Sports Bar and had a couple before dinner.  Had a steak dinner with salad, bread, veggies, baked potato.  We had a couple during the dinner.  We both went home and were not drunk at all.  I said, "See?  You CAN drink socially...............the goal should never to be drunk!!  And especially at the age of 46..................in fact that party was over 20 some years ago!!"

But if drinking causes a personality change and the personality change brings out Mr. Hyde............and you don't know that person and he continues to do that over and over again - then the vows go out the door.  It's a deal breaker.............and part of the negotiation does not include my kids.

Does that make sense??

[penelope]

hi kelly,

After living with an alcoholic, I have no tolerance for drinking of any sort.  I don't have any children.  Even without children I sensed that I was unprotected when I was around the alcoholic.  It felt like I was being sucked into a dark hole from which I would never escape...it kept getting worse and worse for me. 

Well, I did get out, after a fight where he kicked me out (and threatened to kill me).

Now, after watching someone get drunk everyday like clockwork for over a year.. I feel that if my current b/f did that just - 1 time - it would send me into an anxiety attack.  I will never go there again

How do you feel?

hugs,
p bean

[Overcomer]

Well, it's a vicious cycle.  Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he will drink on Thursday night (hey, tomorrow is Friday!!)  Then he'll drink Friday night and then he'll drink all day Saturday - especially THIS Saturday - our state rivals are playing in football.  Oh, and let's see - if he feels too yucky Sunday, he might have a few "hair of the dog."

I get upset every single week, then he tells me he'll try to do better.  It hasn't gotten to the point where I am running the other way.  The BF before him I finally ran as fast as I could the other way - but meanwhile, my nmom was trying to fix him for me!

So, I go up and down, up and down.  If he is really bad one weekend, I want out.  If he maintains his cool than I tolerate it a little.  The first year we were married he was horrible.  I almost divorced him.  Pointed to the door and said "Walk through it!!"

But the real conversation started with choosing my husband over my kids.  You know, God first, husband second and kids third.  But I said NO.  There is NO way I will choose him over them, period.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Kelly,

  I'm so glad you posted again here. I'm sorry ... I meant to come back here and respond yesterday and never did! Didn't want you to think I was avoiding your earlier replies.

  I do understand your perspective re: putting your kids first above your husband. I have been there and when dealing with N, there was no option.... he was, after all, (by his choice of behavior) another "kid" and not an adult mate.

  Do you have any thoughts re: how you can set boundaries for his behavior this weekend? Apparently his weekend begins on Thursday. Maybe he needs to know in advance, today, what will be the consequences if he chooses to drink his way through till Monday?
I don't know, just a thought. I'd sure like to help you come up with a plan! See, he's getting away with it now, so there's no real incentive to change. Sometimes separation is needed in order to enforce boundaries, too. What would happen if you told him...
"Hey, you want to drink for 4 days, you'll have to do it someplace else. The kids and I will be here at home when you are determined to be sober and stay that way, so just give me a phone # wherever you'll be, in case of emergency".
Seriously, Kelly... what would happen?

((((((Kelly)))))))  Glad you are still posting.

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Hi Kelly,
Sorry it's taken me so long...I was away for a week.
Your post did make sense, but I'd offer this caveat:

Moderate drinking for men is defined as no more than 2 drnks a day (beer/wine, booze, all count the same)
Moderate dirnking for women is defined as no more than 1 drink a day

So if you each had 4 that day...is it possible you're slipping down the same slope? It would be horrible if he took you with him into a life that revolved around getting, protecting, keeping, timing, negotiation about, and drinking alcohol.

This is Sunday morning....how has your time since Thursday gone?

Hops

[Overcomer]

Not even close.  I probably drink like that maybe a couple times a year.  Although in my past I was a lush.  I dont even like it that much and have to choke it down sometimes.  No it is not a problem for me (thank God)

[adrift]

I haven't had time to read many of the posts in this thread, but wanted to add that I'm very proud of you who CAN set boundaries.  I would never have been able to with my parents, I simply couldn't. The few times I tried it was horrible and I felt like the worst daugher/person in the world.  Only since my parents have passed away, have I been able to begin to deal (in a healthy way) with what I went through.

So to those of you who can and do implement boundaries, I applaud you!  I know it's traumatic, but you are very brave! Give yourself and pat on the back!!

Adrift

[Stormchild]

((((((((((adrift))))))))))   ((((((((((kelly))))))))))

[Plucky]

Not even close.  I probably drink like that maybe a couple times a year.  Although in my past I was a lush.  I dont even like it that much and have to choke it down sometimes.  No it is not a problem for me (thank God)

Hi Kelly,
why do you have to do this.  Is it in order to drink along with him, so he looks more normal?
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Hi Kelly,
Thanks for clarifying...glad you're not in the bucket too.

I send you strength and courage for yourself and your children too.

Love is both our strength and an Achilles' heel sometimes.
Different kind of love might be where you're going...do you think?

Hops

[Overcomer]

Plucky, the question about why do I do it?  Well, I guess maybe I think it is the thing to do.  And every once in awhile the thought of having a couple sounds alright to me, but most of the time I really don't want it.  A big glass of water with a lemon slice does me so much better.  I mean, if I am in a group of people who are having a drink, I think I should have a drink. 

And Hops?  If you read the guilt thread you will see that I have gone to my first Al-anon meeting after a raging drunk on Friday (husband..........)  That was wonderful!!

I just cannot say enough about all of you and what you have done for me.  Given me the umpf to get off my butt and take care of little old me!!

And Adrift.........I totally understand about not setting boundaries.  I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest the other day with my 19 year old daughter.  The part where Billy Babbit had sex with that gal and stopped stuttering and then Nurse Ratchett said, "What is your mother going to think about this, Billy?"  And then he started stuttering again and ended up committing suicide??  I felt some definite anxiety from that because my mom used to have that much control over me.  It took a major thing to happen for me to break down and freak out and set boundaries with  her.  It was a difficult time and I was labelled unstable, but in the long run it has been worth it!

[Hopalong]

I saw it, Kelly!
You WENT!

 

(((((((((((Kelly))))))))))

Hops