How do you defend yourself when the N has everyone fooled?

[axa]

Izzy,

Felt so sad when I read your post.........it reminded me of my own feelings of isolation........ we could never invite anyone back to our house because (a) he did not like people coming to the house and (b) he could be so rude or alternatively nice, depending on how useful the people were, that it just wasn't worth it.

As far as defending yourself when the N has fooled everyone IMO say nothing............ people tend not to hear, or else hear what they want to hear, they will continue to play the Ngames until they run out of steam and any reaction is fuel to the fire.  People will believe what they want to believe.  I also wonder about the motivation of those who "report"back.  What good does it do anyone, we cannot control what another says and hearing back stories just does ones head in IMO.......breathing a sigh of relief to be far away from the dreaded N.

axa

[Certain Hope]

As far as defending yourself when the N has fooled everyone IMO say nothing............ people tend not to hear, or else hear what they want to hear, they will continue to play the Ngames until they run out of steam and any reaction is fuel to the fire.  People will believe what they want to believe.  I also wonder about the motivation of those who "report"back.  What good does it do anyone, we cannot control what another says and hearing back stories just does ones head in IMO.......breathing a sigh of relief to be far away from the dreaded N.

axa

Well... I don't know whether they ever run out of steam, exactly... but maybe they'll find someone else to play with. That's what I've seen here... a sort of taking of turns, like back in grade school, "who will I target today?!"  Basically, it's anyone who's dared to contradict her.

 With N, her target is whomever she's most envious of at the moment - or - has caught the mighty powerful one in action and unmasked her. 

This one at work is a real trip. I go out of my way to not point out her errors, but sometimes one will come to light because of the ignorant bystanders (how can they be innocent?!... they've worked with her far longer than I have). As the newest member of the clan, I get punished, somehow, some way, for N's foibles... and she loves to refer to me as "sweeeeeetie" (high, hissing voice) while doing it. This woman is only a few years older than me and has no reason to talk down to me so. Now the youngest of our little group has left (N's personal punching bag) and so I expect she'll try to get me to step in as replacement punching bag for all her frustrations. No way.

Carolyn

[towrite]

If one more person tells me how "cute" or "amazing" my NM is, I think I may slap them. She has every one fooled, every single person in the community thinks she is "wonderful"; if there is ever the smallest hint that she might not be wonderful, I have heard too many people say, "Oh, no, it must be a mistake. She's just not like that. I know her too well and she'd never do that."

Gr-r-r-r-r

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((((((towrite)))))))))))))  I know it feels like salt in an open wound.

I keep trying to practice forgiveness, but it's sure not easy. This stuff keeps coming back like a boomerang.
Sorry it's so hard.

Carolyn

[Hopalong]

ToWrite,
Even one of my closest friends, when she sees me stumbling around exhausted, always stops and with deep concern, says How IS your mother? Now I know that's a kind inquiry and she is a kind woman.

But there have been times I've longed to say, "Just once, will you ask about the caregiver? How I'm holding up?" (I don't.)

Have to say that in 3-D life I actually have one friend who also has an Nmother (hers makes mine look like Ghandi)...and she DOES get it. Every permutation of it. It's been just amazing.

love
Hops

[towrite]

Thanks Hops & Carolyn - it would be easier to forgive her if she hadn't refused to help me financially.

[Gabben]

Ok Here we go again!

N and I moved to a new city where we knew no one, 2000 miles away from family and friends.

At the campground we met a couple, rather ritzy in hindsight, who helped us out when the truck had to go in for new brakes. We spent the day at their place, had lunch and played trionimoes with their mentally challenged daughter. Then husband-half drove us back to the truck when it was ready. Very kind people. When N took the trip back for our cars and furniture, wife-half came and took me grocery shopping, then we had lunch..

N returned and I suggested going to see these people or having them over, when we were settled and he kept shrugging me off.  I ran into them at Xmas time that year and they were very cool. I believe I said something about N, but not knowing he was an N, it might have been that he was  an alcoholic and couldn’t spend time with anyone who didn’t drink---I really forget! (I just know he felt they were too ‘clean living’ for him.)

The neighbors on either side--a 6’ fence on the property lines. N could stand there an talk to them but I couldn’t.  I never got to know them and I was shunned if I called out a “Hi!” When one couple had a baby we  gave them a gift (N took it over) The thank was just to him.
I began to believe he was telling tall tales about me, like I was his maiden Aunt who was helping out with the business/books and wasn’t right in the head from a car accident--only G_d knows.

One of his customers, an elderly lady, bought a computer and wanted instructions. She told me this much later, after I had left him. He said he knew an instructor and she happened to live in the same house. She never knew we were a couple.

He buddied up with the guy across the street  and later I learned he had a wife in a wheelchair. I never saw her outside. I went there once to retrieve a key to our house and a remote for the alarm system and she wouldn’t even talk to me.

It hindsight this is extremely insulting

Izzy

 

Hi Izzy,

Sorry but I still can't follow this post Well.

One of his customers, an elderly lady, bought a computer and wanted instructions. She told me this much later, after I had left him. He said he knew an instructor and she happened to live in the same house. She never knew we were a couple.

One thing came to mind is that you were given confirmation of his slander at least by one person. Your gut feelings were right. Recently, I spoke with a woman at my Parrish who told me that when we are being slandered, because of the lack of evidence, God will confirm our gut feelings for us by sending at least one person to confirm the slander. God does not leave us feeling crazy and second guessing ourselves.

Your feelings and experience of this is exactly the N dilemma or drama. The N's first have to fool everyone, form of control and power, then they have to slander, more control and power all of which comes from their fears.

Wonder what his fears were? He obviously did not have a core.

The pain of slander is anguish...it creates a sense of helplessness in the victim - very painful.

Lise