i made a big mistake

[James]

i have not seen my N parents since Christmas. I saw them twice this week . Today while i was over picking up something i left there N mom started to tear me apart because of my political views. They are both hard core Republicans and only watch CNN. I could not believe the pent up hate and anger she showed towards me.... it was shocking. She has this phony motherly look but behind this she is truly a monster. I know who they both are now and they hate me even more for this. This crazy woman told me how much they loved me and how well i was treated as a child, she said i know i beat you too hard and hurt you when you were little but i still loved you. N/sociopath dad just acted like nothing was happening and made himself look big by saying how good it was to see me and carrying on trying to prove what a great guy he is. Its been that way forever. One of them lowers the ax and the other tries to look like the good guy just for their own sake. It's like some strange type of feeding frenzy. Neither of them really cares abt us 3 kids. They use everyone of us only for what they can emotionally take. After coming out of my delusional state (thinking i was loved) sometimes my old need for love makes me think they have changed and i wander back in but it only winds up being the same old story. I left as soon as i could but i sure felt a lot of anger/ helplessness and sadness. It still hurts knowing what they are and what they did to me. Their lack of love and empathy is enough to make anyone sick. Sometimes i really have to wonder how i survived these monsters. But then i do know how. I feel like a fool thinking that they might have changed a little. I just wanted to be loved. I know it must sound horrible but i look forward to the day these people are gone for good. I need to be more careful in the future when i have the feeling that they might have changed a little......James

[Ami]

Oh James
  I go back to my M, over and over, as anyone can tell you on the board. Love is such a need and we want it so badly. Human's need it,like food.
 Any person would do what you did(IMO)
 They probably do hate you even more ,now, b/c you are "seeing" them and the last thing they want is that.
 It is NOT your fault, James.
 I will write, later. I have to go, now.    Love   Ami

[James]

Ami....i do see other people on the board doing the same thing, i guess i just got a little to confident that i could not be hurt by them again. It really isn't as bad as it used to feel but it still stings. I do see the hate growing even though its thru their phony smiles and the worst of it is they are trying to sabotage me with my sisters now. I have learned to carry a big stick around dad because he is capable of violence if he gets mad enough. I might have to do the same with mom, i've just never seen so much hate coming from her. It wasn't just the political differences that sparked this. I sense she has been been waiting for a good excuse to unload on me and she did. It will be quite awhile before they will see me around again........James

[Ami]

Dear James
  YOU are doing the cardinal "sin" of getting well and out of  their grasp. The last thing they want to do is face their own evil. They will do all they can to push you back  where they want you ie subservient.
 You will experience  MORE abuse ,as you try to pull away from their sick system(IME--in my experience)
  Be ready, James.
  You are worth so much, such a beautiful person, It is THEIR loss and they are too stupid to know  it.
                         Love    Ami

[James]

Ami....you may be right. I'm rarely around them anymore but i have noticed if i give an inch the attacks are sneakier and more vicious. I don't back down any longer though and that makes them furious. It's a sad fact that i have to watch my back around these people....James

[Ami]

It is SO sad that you have to watch your back, James. It is pitiful,but true. The worst enemies are our own parents-----beyond pitiful!!!
                                       I am so sorry, James.                     Love and Hugs,   Ami

[debkor]

James,

Whoosh! When i read your post I instantly thought they sound like good cop/bad cop.  Then I looked it up.  Take a look at this part.
 
Good Cop/Bad Cop, known in British military circles as Mutt and Jeff (from an American newspaper comic strip of that name) and also called joint questioning and friend and foe[1], is a psychological tactic used for interrogation.

It involves a team of two interrogators who take apparently opposing approaches to the subject. The interrogators may interview the subject alternately or may confront the subject at the same time.

The 'Bad Cop' takes an aggressive, negative stance towards the subject, making blatant accusations, derogatory comments, threats, and in general creating antipathy between the subject and himself. This sets the stage for the 'Good Cop' to act sympathetically: appearing supportive, understanding, in general showing sympathy for the subject. The good cop will also defend the subject from the bad cop. The subject may feel he can cooperate with the good cop out of trust and/or fear of the bad cop. He may then seek protection by and trust the good cop and tell him the needed information.

Whoosh, doesn't this sound similar kind of the same tactics?


Listen don't ever feel a fool for thinking maybe they would change.  It was a moment of wishfull thinking.  You know deep inside they never will and what child did not want to be loved by thier parents. Sometimes parents just can't love and I'm sorry it happend to you.

Your still on the right track and yes James it still can sting.  You deserved to be loved and you can and will be.  You do what you need to do for yourself and if that means you not being around them, then, so be it.  They are very abusive.

Love
Deb

[James]

Hi Deb....The Good Cop/Bad Cop tactic might be in play here. I'm not sure though. Today was the first time i ever realized that this is something that has been going on forever, although usually its both of them against me. There have been plenty of times where i have seen one attack me then the other takes advantage and pretends to be on my side. It's clear the one on my side uses me for their own purposes mostly to look good or to get back at the other for grudges between the two. I'm just starting to have a grip on whats been going on but the more i see it is sickening. Mostly just emotional manipulation but in the past N dad has used the threat of violence and he is capable of this if he feels pushed too far. I took a closer look at what fool meant to me and i realized it was a milder form of me trying to sink back into the "bad kid" syndrome, all my fault kind of stuff. It's slowly sinking in that i have been something of an orphan at least emotionally with these two since i was born. It's not the easiest realization to digest but i do feel alot better about this compared to 6-8 moths ago. It sure does feel evil when i see this side..........Thanks Deb

[Ami]

Dear James
 It reminds me of "People of the Lie" by Scott Peck. He  talks about "evil" as a diagnosis.
 James, it is amazing that you retained your capacity for love(which you have),kindness, giving and caring. Yes, you are hurting,but you did not become a monster as they are.You are a sweet, sensitive person, who CAN claim himself from their clutches , with time  and honesty.
 How did your siblings come out? Are any N's or sociopaths?                          Ami

[James]

Ami....i have two sisters one is married to a lovng man and has two boys. His love has carried her away from my FOO mess and she's starting to see reality but she has much denial. She blamed me for years for creating problems in the family and i resent her for that. I could be angry and act out but what she did not see was that everyone was using me as the scapegoat including her. I rarely see her. She has never apologized for any of the hurtful comments she has made thru the years. My other sister is divorced and has one son. He just got out of prison for drugs in Nov. She is in total denial of everything and refuses to listen to any of the truth. we rarely speak now. Its sickening to see her being used by them and swept up in their lies but there is nothing i can do. I have tried and this pushed her away. I still worry about her and we were close for years. She may blame me for the big family upset but i'm not sure..............Thanks Ami

[Ami]

Dear James,
  The "scapegoat " is JUST that----the one everyone blames for all the family pain. It is the WORST family position, it would seem.
 However,there was a discussion on the board, a long time ago, about the scapegoat vs golden child.
   Some people thought that the scapegoat had the most chance of getting better b/c he was in less denial .
   I don't know,BUT I know YOU were not damaged to the core. Your core is still there and is beautiful.    Love    Ami
 

[Iphi]

James I'm sorry they continue to suck just as much as ever.  I truly believe that your mom just used politics as a convenient excuse to attack you.  If it wasn't that it would be something else, I think.  It's so sad that your sisters have not progressed as far as you.  When I read where people find support and validation with siblings, it's so moving.  I'm in the same situation as you with my sibling.  It seems really powerful to me that you can see their ownership of their own behavior.  To me it's like, yes you got 'roughed up' by being near them, but you didn't take a dose of the poison of believing in them.  That's the really bad stuff.  Does that make sense?

[James]

Hi Izzy..........it has been only in the last year that my therapist told me they were N. I did a lot of reading and sure enough it's them. I asked her not too long ago if my heavy dissociation will ever leave...her reply was "i think so when you finally see who your parents are"....thats making more sense as time goes on. The image of a puff of smoke fits what i imagine may happen to my feelings towards them. This is the last thing i wanted but i see no other way out now. as you know its painful when its your own parents..........Thanks James

[James]

Iphi...........I am sorry you have the same thing going on with your siblings, this makes everything so much harder when you don't have family members to offer understanding and support when you need it the most. My therapist said "you were born into the wrong family" sound like you were too. You're image of poison rings a bell....i swallowed their poison in the form af a nasty illusion of love.....thats gone now but i still seem to be spitting out pieces of it. Isn't it easy to be sucked back in when they are acting nice. Its still almost beyond me that people can really be like this.....hope you are doing well    James

[Iphi]

I'm doing alright James (just sleeeeeepy).  It is so easy to be sucked back in.  I guess we should consider them experts at what they do, since they do it all the time.  Like they say you can't really beat a car salesperson because they know all the tricks and practice them every day.  I hope you are feeling progressively better every hour following your recent escape from N-land!  Nighty night.