My Truth

[Meh]

A home where anger is passed around from one person to the next, and on again to the next person, where there is no love passed around from one person, to the next, then on to another person, and so on, and so on, and so on it goes around and around and around.....

It's like a contagious disease, lets all get sick that way we will all be exactly the same. I know that the more time I spend around Narcissists the less loving I am, I close the energy of my heart down to protect myself against them and then I'm carrying around a closed-down heart. The garbage heart, the black heart, the wormy-rotten heart, the cold heart, the stone heart, the hardened heart, the heart of marble, the heart of ice, the shrinking heart, the termite infested heart, the withering heart, the fenced in heart.

When I fence out people, I fence myself in.

A heart of shame, is that what that shrinking feeling is? Like a shrinky-dink zooooooop! It's miniature.

Shut me down, lock it up, barricade it, put it on lock down, impermeable, turn off the light in there so they won't think we are home. Shields up! Play dead!

[Meh]

Ever hear that Rolling Stones song "Emotional Rescue"?

So I'm in the shower again, and I can't get that line of that song out of my head
It's a sarcastic line, the whole song is a sarcastic song.
So I'm saying in a low, British accent voice:
"I will be your knight in shining armour
Coming to your emotional rescue"
Mick Jagger sort of says it in a crusty drawl
I'm trying out different versions of the Mick Jagger voice, don't get any of them quite correct, but it makes me laugh
SO, I'm singing this one line to my showerhead because it's sort of like a microphone

I know I'm singing this because of the "enlightened witness idea"

I'm giggling, totally giggling and I have a version of it that sounds more like a monster's voice
saying "I will be your knight in shining armour
Coming to your emotional rescue"
I'm totally cracking up, giggling, the more sick and twisted it is the more I laugh
And then I think I may start to cry
And them I'm giggling some more

Maybe I'm having an emotional break down,
Is that what depressed people are supposed to do, make themselves have emotional breakdowns?
IS that my opposite of numb, an emotional break down.

The truth is I don't want a Knight in Shining armour, the lyrics of that song speak for themself:
"You will me mine, will me mine, all mine"


So this is just me expressing myself, witnessing, observing myself, questioning myself.
I'm directing these questions to myself really. Trying to figure it out for myself.

On the other hand, if any one thinks emotional breakdowns are positive let me know.


Hey, God! Yah, you up there, I haven't adjusted to planet earth yet, maybe you put me on the wrong one!

[Ami]

Woke up to let the dog out. Will write more later. You are such a beautiful, haunting, witty, and insightful writer---gifted---Helen.
           XXXOO  Ami

[Gabben]

On the other hand, if any one thinks emotional breakdowns are positive let me know.

Your not alone.

Emotional breakdowns are only positive if we allow ourselves the freedom to learn and grow from them. Heck, who has not felt at some point in their life like just throwing a fit, losing it and letting it all hang out. The problem is if we let it all hang out and fail to SEE what was hanging out there, our fears, rages, hatred and old hurts over the losses of love we never had. If we fail to see, in our breakdowns, just what broke us down, and how broken we are, then we will just keep stuck in the breakdowns.

For instance, I have been having breakdowns, meltdowns, losing ITS and blowing ITS for weeks. But each time I throw all of myself "out there" I see ALL of myself, or at least ALL that was out there for that particular breakdown. Owning what I throw-up or out in losing it is very important. Sometimes the darkest hour, sometimes, is just before the dawn. Sometimes the darkest hour lasts for years.

[Meh]

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I need to forgive myself for things that I was not responsible for or did not have control over.
I need to do a forgiveness meditation directed at myself, it's said "forgive your enemy" but if one becomes one's own enemy then the forgiveness must be directed inwards to oneself.

This is deeply profound for me. This stuff that I blame myself for is where that feeling of burden comes from.

The result of writing all of my "stuff" out here has been that I see more clearly for the first time how little control I had as a child and how much responsibility I took on as a child, how this is incorrect.

This realization is the first step to me really forgiving myself. Even If my self-forgiveness does not work at least now I see the things that I need to be loved for. I need to be loved for all the areas in me where I accepted the blame. When I psychically accepted the blame I became bad.
Thats part of the problem of self-love, one first must identify what parts are so desperate for the love? I FOUND ONE !!!


While in highschool, I once got drunk with some friends and out came this ongoing line of "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I was wailing this cry of sorriness while I was sh*t-faced in the bathtub. As a high-schooler I did not know what to make of this, of course it was just embarrassing. Now I think I see a little where this is coming from, I don't know the exact pinpointed sources but I do bet it is in relation to accepting blame and being sorry for being unlovable.

The little girl in me believes that I'm unlovable for a reason that is due to me.

I will attempt a series of visualizations where I travel to that deep place in me and forgive myself.
I may have to calligraphy that phrase and stick it on the wall "Self-Forgiveness" yes!


I want to express my gratitude again for this board, and the members on the board for simply existing. Some times I have to go through pages of "stuff" to get a piece of understanding. Since I wouldn't be journaling to myself, who knows how long it would take me to figure this out, maybe I would have gone to the grave without forgiving myself because I didn't even know that I needed to.

This is really huge for me, I've had a couple of intuitive people tell me not to "be so hard on myself" and then "You can't see how you are so hard on yourself?, Really!!!?". I did not see it then, but now I really really do, I see it. There is my pearl in the sand. There is my sunken treasure chest at the bottom of this depression sea!

[Meh]

On the subject of forgiveness, I was once too nice and people took advantage of that.
When I even think about forgiving my "enemies" I feel weak inside.
I'm not ready or willing to forgive them.

Maybe I need to forgive life itself for all of the suffering it has brought me. Maybe I need to forgive the Tao. I'm holding a grudge against life itself. That is a humongous blockage. You stop life! Just Stop it already! Now that is



Oh god my door bell is ringing! I'm not answering it. If it's relatives, I'm not here. It is relatives, and I sent them away. Ok, I can and will deal with this somehow. It is my mother's crisis playing out, telling the relatives to come and get involved to fix a problem. This is how my mother responds to a cut-off. The problem being me. I'm better equipped to deal with me, and fix me. I don't want them to encroach upon my mental space, this place I'm in now where my prosessing is become fruitful. Shit are they talking to my neighbors. I send god's wrath to strike them down. Zap!!

[Meh]

Just a simple observation today, I watched the sun setting from atop a bridge over a water canal. The sky looked like pale-orange mother of pearl, with long strands of clouds spread across the horizon. The light was flickering off of the waves. Seeing this made me think maybe I can meet life/tao/god part of the way, one tenth of the way, half way, maybe even more then half way.
I currently don't have anything to look forward to in my life, yet after seeing the sunset I thought it was enough beauty to be inspired, maybe there is something out there somewhere just for me. At least I'm glad that I was there to take it in, I was the only person standing on the bridge and I didn't mind being alone at that moment. The cars driving over the bridge were making my feet vibrate nontheless I stood there and prayed for my brother and his family.

I love expansive vistas.

[Meh]

Well, since my relative came over and knocked on my door I seem to have lost my writing flow. I was just figuring out something about my self forgiveness. It's some weird sixth sense the relatives have, just when I'm about to break free from my pain, they do something to encourage me to deny my pain and suffering. And then I finally had to call another relative back before things really blew up. Well they were all working on my mother's behalf. It's pretty indirect, it feels sort of manipulative to me. I think this is the part where she is probably seeking pity from them over the fact that I cut her off. Then the relatives contact me and say how great she is.

I would be frustrated if I wasn't so damn tired of it. Of these routines. I need to trust my feelings. I have a need for respect of my autonomy, respect of my decisions, respect of my desires, and respect of my right to take care of myself first.

I just need space from her, maybe forever. My soul and spirit say forever, they say enough is enough. My conscious makes me feel guilty or rather the things my other relatives say to me make me feel guilty. But I don't want to cave into that, then I will be right back where I started, nowhere. I've already lost so much aliveness and joy. I've noticed that I have been smiling more the past few days, just out and about doing errands, smiling at people, dogs, kids.

You know what I just noticed? I don't smile very much normally.

Maybe the crying has done me some good. Gosh getting closer to myself makes me smile more even if I have to dig through the sad story of my life, by doing it, I am SMILING! Hows that for an interesting observation!

We don't have to have a perfect life to be happy, we just have to come to terms with the cards we have been dealt.

Maybe I have started forgiving myself already and some of the burden is melting away. Thank Goodness.

A word came to me, LOYALTY, my relatives have loyalty to my mother, even if there may not be real love there, the loyalty is strong.
Might as well be the Mafia led by a Narcissistic mother.

I'm the only one amongst my relatives that sees my mother is Narcissistic, I didn't even want to believe it at first, I have no choice because it's reality. She fits the mould. That is a problem. My mother is a key of sorts to the rest of the relatives. I will never get validation from my relatives about my experiences, about her Narcissistic behavior, so if I was to spend time around my relatives I would feel invalidated, this invalidation creates a certain psychic stress for me. I so dearly need to have the truth of my life validated. So In writing this, I clarified that a little.
Rule to self # 1 Never expect any relative to validate my story.

So my relatives demand self-denial from me.

I really need to get out and make some friends.

[indiered]

Helen,

I have been reading your posts from the beginning. You are very, very precious to me. Everything
you've written sounds like me, from your love of trees, to your relatives coming to your door!

Your words flow with an inner beauty, even through your pain and revelations, there is beauty and raw honesty. It's straight from the heart.

Helen, I "see" you.

Helen, I "hear" you.

You are precious, and wanted, valued beyond measure. You are worthy, just because you are.
You are unique, gifted, warm, likeable, loving, and fiery.

You are in my heart...Sending you...Love..Please keep posting. Indiered

[Meh]

I'm just now reading mirroring. I can absolutely say for a fact that my parents did not mirror me. I wonder if that is related to my difficulty with "small talk". Sometimes I don't think the actual words that people are saying to one another are that important compared to the body language and facial gestures.

I also wonder if a lack of mirroring has made me less aware of my own body and difficult for me to mirror other people.

I had an actor tell me that I would be a good "extra" because I followed even when I was not the person speaking.
On the other hand sometimes I'm more bland feeling. I wonder if I mirror people.

The strange thing is I think my mother does mirror some people, just not me. The times when she actually looks in my face and I feel the company of another soul is well, never.

I wonder if people think I don't like them or am not friendly because I don't mirror enough.

 

[Meh]

Indiered,

Thank you much for the warm comments.

[sKePTiKal]

Are you naturally athletic and easy in your body?

Well - lol! - ya know, I thought I was... even as old as I am, I'm still very flexible and pretty strong... I move easily. But those more subtle "knowings" of the body - like what you described - my teacher would adjust my wrist a fraction of an inch to a better angle - were a total revelation. That's where I began to really "learn" - including all this emotional self-observation.

Oh my God, WHEN I WAS A KID I LEARNED THAT NEEDING LOVE WAS DANGEROUS.
Is this really true?

unfortunately... yes... for many of us, this was very, very true.

My mother never wanted anything good for me in my life that is the message I grew up with and then she says "It's like you don't want anything better for yourself" to me. That is so infuriating.

I see it more clearly now. Sick. She is flippin Sick.
There has got to be a word that describes this.

She calls me selfish and then she does something to try to take my joy away from me.  
 

YES.... you see very, very clearly, my dear... and so you are angry - but guilty, about being angry with someone who is SUPPOSED to doing what's best for you, nurturing and guiding you, loving you... but oops, wait a minute: needing love is dangerous... and so it's SAFER to simply "not matter"...     hence, the symptoms of depression, ya know? (at least for me)

If I could be protected then I could heal myself.

BOUNDARIES, learn about and practice boundaries....

When I fence out people, I fence myself in.

A heart of shame, is that what that shrinking feeling is? Like a shrinky-dink zooooooop! It's miniature.

Shut me down, lock it up, barricade it, put it on lock down, impermeable, turn off the light in there so they won't think we are home. Shields up! Play dead!

EXACTLY!! A boundary isn't a permanent, steel wall... it's a fence to keep the riff-raff out but let good folks, friends, loved ones, in.

I need to forgive myself for things that I was not responsible for or did not have control over.

YOU GO, GIRL!! You are making splendid progress - you are really "getting it", now...

maybe there is something out there somewhere just for me.

Well OF COURSE THERE IS....

I'll be back later... gotta go get ready for my day... but WOW... I'm impressed how well you're getting it all sorted out - how quickly - and how much healing is already starting to take place.

Read that I'm dancing around doing my happy dance for you and applauding!  

[Ami]

Dear Helen
 I wanted to express s/thing really important. It was a huge answer to what we struggle with .I think it will help answer someofthe questions which are UNDER your posts.
 When I read them, I see me. I hear your thought processes,observations and most especially the questions of "What does this all mean" and MOST importantly 'How do I get out of it?"
 That seems to be your most burning question. It is mine. I don't want to just get out of it with my head. I don't want to fake that I am out of it when I am not.
 I want to BE out of it.
 Anyway, I wanted to share my expereince , yesterday. I wrote it on the Board and erased it .
 I could title it,"How an Enlightened Witness Works". *I* did not know why, myself, I was getting so much better and for the first time in my life. I was s/what sane until 14 and then I gave my reality over to my NM.
 Wherever I go, people say I look wonderful.I can feel myself glowing. I am changing but I think my story can explain some of it.
 I am gonna write in several posts cuz I would hate to write this whole thing and the board erase it(glitches)

[Ami]

Yesteday,my H invited  12 people came over to watch golf.They were some of the people in the "drinking" group(Wed and Fri). They are a variety of people who just want to connect with other people and so this loose social group formed.
 The first couple lost a child and so we met them through Bereaved Parents. They came in and we all sat down and talked. They are not big drinkers like the rest. I am not a big drinker and hope to God that I stay that way.
 We sat down and had a nice talk. Then, my H wanted to put golf on the big screen TV. I asked them,"Were they interested in golf". They said,"Not really." I asked my H why didn't he leave the TV off for a while so we could not talk and not have the background noise. He put it on anyway but softly.
 Anyway, more people came and they had golf on. I tried to ask people if they wanted to watch Ali G( a comedy show ) in the other room. It didn't get much traction. Some of the people went outside to smoke.
  I was going through this INTERNAL craziness(NM messages, distortions).
 I had a need. I did not want to sit in front of the golf game so that "people' would think I was OK(social, acceptable, not weird, not different)

[Ami]

So, I was sitting there and was stuck in wanting to meet a need---leave and have space-- and having my NM's voice tell me I was neurotic and bad and weird if I listened to myself and went against the crowd i.e. independent.
 I think the  message from my NM was independence equals emotional death at her hands and abandonment and shunning from the family
 I got up to let the dog out and sneak away. There is a girl who has everything I DON'T want to be. She is really dependent and has to make everyone OK(fix everyone)
 She saw me  leave  and followed me to my room. I had to tell her,"I need to be alone for a while". That was hard and made me feel weird(anti social)