Thank you river, it was difficult and confusing. I went into shock for a long time, and took even longer to process it. I stayed away from getting close to anyone for 12 years. Many thick walls.
My first NH is what draws me to this post. Like I said, if he were who he was then – would I attempt? I’d be drawn to.
I didn’t have any of the N information back then. But came to some conclusions: that he had a very fragile self esteem. He would have to be built up while acknowledging imperfection and failure. IMO, Failure is a huge fear to N’s. They don’t understand that it doesn’t mean the end of the world. So they cannot admit a mistake, that it’s ok.
But with time and age, people do learn new skills. N’s can learn new treachery and manipulative ways. They become deeper into the abyss. My Nboss at work and my now DH’s exNwife are what come to my mind (in 40’s). Nboss reads therapy books, emotional intelligence books – but this is only for him to learn the right words to say at the right time. It has no affect on him other than as a tool for him to use. They are truly treacherous, punishing people. They know how and when and who. It’s actually frightening to think of what they are capable of. I’ve witnessed enough of their damage to know this.
I’m learning skills too, starting learning how to stand up for myself.
I’ve also learned that with these N’s, standing up to them means discreet punishment later. Oh well, live and learn as they say.
I know they are way too far gone to be salvaged by intervention, including divorce, if anything. They’ve done too much damage directly and indirectly to me. They also deem me to be beneath them, and would never allow even the thought of me teaching them something. Are they becoming dead inside? What happens with another 20 years?
I think they will never understand or know true happiness and touching moments, connections. They only have moments of euphoria that always go away and leave them seeking more.
