I am learning so much from this board...

[bludie]

...and experiencing many "ah has" while reading the posts. However, self knowledge isn't taking care of some of the obsessive thoughts that still lurk. My world was centered around my N. Even though he was an absolute bastard, I still miss him (or what I thought was him) and think about him a lot.  I miss the little rituals we had -- morning and evening phone calls, etc. As a salesman, he was on the road most weeks so the phone became our life line (in retrospect it now was a Pavlovian tether).

Once I rejoin the ranks of the living and get work outside of the home, perhaps this obsessive thought pattern will change. In the meantime, I try to fill my days with the consultant/free-lance work I have, exercise, chats with friends, and now this board.  But the thoughts are still quite pervasive. and sometimes it's hard to function.

I am relieved we've had no contact whatsoever in nearly two weeks. I hope he will cease and desist permanently. But the other side of me wishes there was some contact because I feel so discarded. To center your life around someone and then have them completely dismiss you is difficult...not to mention how he never bothered to acknowledge my daughter while ending this relationship. He just blew her off and lied about having written a good bye letter.

Has anyone else gone through this obsessive (examine every hairy detail about what he said/what happened/ what I said) thought pattern? And if so, what helped abate it the most? Thanks for your insight.

[Anonymous]

Hi Bludie,

Great question.  Your post is a great picture of the emotional addiction we can have to any relationship, esp. one with an N.  I am coming to understand that an addiction can be a short-term solution to lessen pain or increase pleasure.  Some addictions (perhaps art, knitting, gardening) can be healthy if in balance with the rest of our lives.  And we all know the destructive ones.  Actually maybe this is more of a habit, i.e. the phone calls.  Any change in behavior can take up to three months to stick.

I obsessed about my NSIL.  I only recently learned that when we obsess it is because our brains are trying to sort out a question and we won't stop until it is solved or resolved.  My thoughts were along the lines of "why I am so angry?  why is she being mean to me when I am kind to her?  why doesn't she respect my family?  where did this go wrong?  we used to like each other." etc.  

It wasn't until I read about personality disorders, went through the pain of giving up hope that she would change, and the realization that I could and should protect myself while still considering myself a good person that I was able to stop obsessing.  

She lives nearby and once or twice has tried to lure me back in with "good behavior".  It used to make me question my decision, but when I remember the literal danger she posed to my children, it was really easy to let go again.  It just simply didn't work.

I also try to use non-judgmental analogies to take away the sting.  Like an earthquake or car wreck.  Well, it happened and the cars are totalled.  Time to walk away and find a new car.  Maybe that's simplistic and ignores the feelings involved, but it helps when I feel that neighbors might judge me.

Hope this example helps.  If you have only recently broken away, be patient with yourself.  You probably need to obsess for a bit and get comfortable with the changes evolving.  Best to you, Seeker

[bludie]

Thank you guest. I appreciate the feedback. I will try to remember to be patient and let things unfold. I just returned from my therapist's office who validated some things for me. With this relationship just having ended, I believe I was in 'shock and awe' for a while; then extreme sadness.  For the past couple of days (this afternoon especially) I am feeling VERY ANGRY and quite the numbskull.

How could I allow my life to be hijacked by someone who has so easily and flippantly walked away from what I thought would be a lifetime together?  My emotional investment in this has been HUGE and he is back out there having a ball frolicking wherever, doing whatever, with whomever. NEVER AGAIN!!

[Anonymous]

Hi again, Bludie

(Do you pronounce that Blew-dee or Bloody?    I'm reading it like Blewdie, kind of pretty that way).

Wow, what you said about your N frolicking while you are in a seething heap is so so accurate!  I was in some painful work situations, hurting from some lost political battles.  I kept asking myself, why?  Why am I hurting when what they did was wrong and unfair?  When I think back, it's kind of a stupid question because it begged the question.  What What I really wanted was revenge.  Kinda ugly, but there it is.  And knowing that I could never bring myself to fight back.  So my real question should have been, what do I do now?  How do I fix myself?
I'm just sharing my own experience; I don't expect it to match up completely to yours.  I had lots of bitterness about the unfairness of life.

Later in life, I'm learning that bullies don't have problems.  They ARE problems.  If you talk to someone about the bullying problem at any local school and they don't think there is a problem, watch out.  That means things are under control.  For them.  They're not hurting.  They're fine!  No problem for them.  So no problem at all.  It's so simple!

For him, he may not feeling the same investment and is just moving on to the next milk carton.  It makes us feel used and empty.  Some people are psychic vampires (there's actually a book by this name, scary!) who will drain the emotional energy (your investment) out of their victims.  Remember, Dracula was (is?) very seductive and the devil is a handsome man.

Phew.  I don't know if this helped, but I'm getting a lot out of my system these days too!     In a weird way, I'm glad to hear you are angry.  It means you value yourself.  Way to go.  Best, Seeker

[Anonymous]

...even though it's a luxury I can't afford to hang onto for long, yes, Seeker, anger is probably healthy. For weeks I was a sniveling, whining mess (my nickname among friends and colleagues used to be Towanda, so that tells you how undone I actually was for a while).

Your analogy of an empty milk container is so apt. Hello! Who is that missing person on the back of the carton? It's me!

Anyway, I do have to cop to secretly wanting revenge. My ego would like it right now. I feel used, abused, washed up and spit out. But if I hold onto that prevailing sentiment count me in with the sicko Ns.

It's just hard to think that I gave the best of myself without realizing the charade I've been involved with only to be dismissed like a pupil in a classroom. Hey, another analogy that I can hopefully adopt whole heartedly some day -- this N was my teacher; he taught me things I  needed to learn. What a painful lesson it's been and one I'll do my damndest never to repeat.