N boyfriend

[Portia]

Oh Cadbury. Your boyfriend uses children to get what he wants. You might be used to being used and you might think it’s okay. It’s not okay. It’s wrong. Use is abuse.

I’m sorry Cadbury. You set boundaries by knowing what is good and helpful and healthy for you and your kids. You tell him next time he sends his son to your door, you’ll invite his son in, but not him. That’s outrageous, reprehensible behaviour on his part.

You’re protecting your ex-abuser and your family. You are not responsible for any of them! You are only responsible for yourself and your children. Please understand this. Your children are the most important people in your life. Please protect them and you. Not your boyfriend, not your family and particularly not the person who abused you.

And minor sexual abuse is never minor, and it’s not just sexual. Have you received any kind of therapy or counselling for what happened?

[ukgirl]

i work in london, holborn who about yourself?? where have you gone about looking for a theropist??....i have no idea, but would like to for him and for me.

Did you know he had this condition before you read about it?? i didnt! i knew he werent right telling me what to do etc, but my thoughts where he was just jealous and possessive of me- agaon not a very healthy thing to be.

Mine has added conditions....he drinks quite alot and uses drugs which send him off...and tonight is usually his mid week "top up!!!" so i can look forward to no sleep, threats and lots of crying. Its generally how the cycle goes.
and i thought it was only me who got the threats - especially that my family will be killed, firebombed and i will have the same and gang raped and acid thrown in my face. God, reading back this makes me think why the hell did i even let it get so far?? What is wrong with me>>!??!!?

[Anonymous]

I know my children come first. I hadn't seen what he was doing as a form of abuse of them, so thank you for waking me up to it.

What is the best way of letting him know the boudaries. I think I will be stronger at sticking to them now when I think of the effect the relationship could have on my children. Should I email him? The big problem (I don't know if this is part of the disorder or not) is that he doesn't tend to pay attention to what is written. I don't really want to phone him as it tends to go off on a tangent. So what could be the best approach here.

Does anyone have any ideas/experience in how to approach the involvement with the baby? I don't really want him to have a big part in the baby's upbringing as I have seen the way he is with his son. I don't doubt he loves his son (and would our baby), but he is very hard on him over the least thing. He seems to have no allowance for the fact that he is a little boy who does silly things sometimes and can be careless. I try to say it is because he is a child but my bf seems to expect ridiculously high standards from him. I don't want my baby growing up like that. Do you think it would be unreasonable to exclude him from the rest of the pregnancy? He has threatened that if I don't want to be with him then he won't have anything to do with the baby. I would actually quite like that, but don't know if it is fair on the baby. I love children and am a good mother, I say this because he does try to make me doubt myself so a little positive affirmation - hope you don't think I'm bigheaded. So I don't worry too much about bringing the baby up on my own. I just don't want him to use the baby as a pawn. What sort of worries do I have to have before I can limit contact to an absolute minimum. Sorry if a lot of these issues are irrelevant, but I thought I may as well ask incase anyone has any experience.
I am in Canterbury kent - UKgirl, but if you ever can get away pm me and ask!

[Cadbury]

The above post is me by the way - I didn't realise I wasn't logged in. You probably realised that anyway!

[bunny]

What is the best way of letting him know the boudaries.

Through action. If you tell him not to come around, then don't let him in the door. Not even if he sends his son ahead of him (he is abusing his son by doing this). Be firm and stand your ground, no matter what manipulation he uses. Don't email him and don't talk to him. Just be firm when he comes around.

I try to say it is because he is a child but my bf seems to expect ridiculously high standards from him. I don't want my baby growing up like that. Do you think it would be unreasonable to exclude him from the rest of the pregnancy?

He already abuses his son. He will also abuse your baby if you allow it. I wouldn't believe any threats about not having anything to do with the baby - of course he will. That is his easiest way to see you, to manipulate and abuse you. Your job is to protect your baby. He is not a good parent: he manipulates, blackmails and bribes little children for his own purposes.

I hope you can see a therapist as soon as possible...


bunny

[Anonymous]

Cadbury-

Boundary & limit setting is key here for you.I hope you are trying really hard to find a counselor and that you find one soon.

Without this help it sounds like the exact life you are leading now could carry on a very long time. Like someone said, he knows you have weak boundaries and knows he can break them and exactly how.

Should I email him? The big problem (I don't know if this is part of the disorder or not) is that he doesn't tend to pay attention to what is written. I don't really want to phone him as it tends to go off on a tangent. So what could be the best approach here.

Yes- conversations with N's tend to get circular and pointless. You can always e-mail him. I read what you said about that but taking it seriously/paying attention to it is his problem not yours, Cadbury.  

Then, you'd have to abide by what you'd said or the e-mail will have been meaningless.That is the hard part- the keeping up of boundaries.

I hope you find some help to do so soon, but you can even start reading books about strengthening boundaries [sorry I don't have any suggestions-maybe others might].  

Just my opinion but what I don't think  would be "fair' on the baby, is to very knowingly expose it to an abusive N father. You already said you don't think he loves his current son [and you don't want that for your child].

You might meet a lovely man one day who would be wonderful father and adopt the child as his own [with you of course]

[/quote]

[Cadbury]

So I am trying to stick to boundaries. I am finding it hard. I have managed to make sure that he doesn't phone me or "pop" round whilst my children are awake so at least they have no contact with him.

He has offered to change and I have said that I don't want him to, that I just don't want to be in this relationship. I keep repeating that no matter what he says and I'm hoping that it will eventually go in.

When N's come out with all there "love comments" i.e. I have never loved anyone like this, you are so special etc etc do they mean any of it? Do they even *think* they mean it? Or do they purposefully say it in order to entrap you further? That is what I find hard. He says such lovely things then acts like such an arse. He has made me so happy and yet so unbearably sad. I know I don't want to be with him. I know that. So is this constant attention just a tool he uses to make sure I don't leave. I feel very confused by it all.

[Anonymous]

He has offered to change and I have said that I don't want him to, that I just don't want to be in this relationship. I keep repeating that no matter what he says and I'm hoping that it will eventually go in.

Dialogue becomes pointless and if you are serious about cutting him out of your life, whenever you feel ready to try, zero contact will be the best way.

When N's come out with all there "love comments" i.e. I have never loved anyone like this, you are so special etc etc do they mean any of it? Do they even *think* they mean it? Or do they purposefully say it in order to entrap you further?

Depends. Some N's mean it at the time [but it will be a fleeting, and never a lasting feeling], some don't mean it and know very well they are manipulating for their own purposes.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter because even if they mean it while they are saying it, they will never be able to sustain in a relationship, what those word mean.  Things will turn around on a dime.

Relationships with N's are only emotionally abusive and that is the one quality they can naturally sustain.

That is what I find hard. He says such lovely things then acts like such an arse.

Always believe behaviors over words.

I know I don't want to be with him. I know that. So is this constant attention just a tool he uses to make sure I don't leave. I feel very confused by it all.

Yes the constant attention is a tool he uses. Don't mistake the attention showed to you as being about you. It is only about him. getting what he thinks he needs for emotional survival.

[Cadbury]

Thank you for the response. I think I knew all that deep down. I keep trying to tell myself that in a "normal" relationship you get those good things without the crap. That is what I keep thinking of when I'm feeling lke I will never be loved that way again. I suppose that what he gives me isn't love as it should be anyway and were he to find someone else who would give him the same attention he would "love" them just as much, just as quickly. I feel so stupid to have fallen for it all and to have stayed so long when I haven't been happy.

It's like if I go along with his whims and give him exactly what he wants/needs and don't complain when he puts me down and cuts me off from everyone. If I put up with all the abuse and don't disagree with a word he says, then we can have a beautiful relationship!! Why couldn't I see all this before?

[Cadbury]

This post is purely to vent annoyance and feelings about him! I have to get it off my chest and this seemed the best place to do it!

My bf thinks he is the most gorgeous man on the planet. He is good looking admittedly, and he is definitely my type.   However, he's not so good looking that he is out of this world or anything. So whenevr he goes somewhere he is like "Do you see that girl over there looking at me" He tells me that everywhere he goes women look at him. Even when he went to his son's school he said that a lot of the girls there were looking at him. He says it as if it is a huge inconvenience to him and he can't understand why. But he is so bigheaded about it and he genuinely means it. He really thinks that women are following him everywhere. He even says to me "I could have any woman I wanted, but I only want you" as if I should be so grateful to have been chosen from the multitudes!

He cannot help but comment on everything anyone says and he has to drop in little bits of information to show how much he knows. He thinks people will then think he is so impressively clever, when in reality they just think he is an overbearing, pompous arse. I am doing a PhD in mathematics and he will look over my shoulder and say things like "yes, I can see that. It's actually very easy." Even if I turn round and say "Is it? Because I am stuck, so can you explain it to me" he just laughs. It's like he has to know more about everything than anyone else. He makes me feel as though what I am doing is so easy and unimportant that I may as well not bother. He says that he finds maths easy, but he just isn't interested in it.

He keeps sending me messages saying that he feels rejected and it is my rejection of him that is destroying the relationship?!! How can he not take the fact that I don't want to be with him? Everytime I say that it is over he says "you've said it again. How many more times are you going to reject me?" I replied "If you had gone the first time you wouldn't have had to be rejected so many times" HE JUST LAUGHS!! God, I think I am going mad at times


*****END OF RANT*******

[bunny]

Everytime I say that it is over he says "you've said it again. How many more times are you going to reject me?" I replied "If you had gone the first time you wouldn't have had to be rejected so many times" HE JUST LAUGHS!!

If you wait for him to enforce your "it's over" decree, it will be a long wait indeed......

bunny

[Anonymous]

As long as you continue to communicate with him whether in person, on the telephone, or by email you still  have a relationship. If you really want it to be over,  stop it!

[Cadbury]

Flowers at my door, poetry sent by email, music sent by email, long beautiful emails...... it goes on and on. Is this a "normal" thing for N's to do when you have left? It is almost making me feel like I have made a huge mistake, but I have kept one of his messages he sent whilst in a "rage" and that stops me from doing anything about the feelings. I just find that I am missing the nice parts of the relationship, being held and loved and worshipped. I know the bad bits are not worth it, but I am pregnant with his child and I feel that I will never have anyone again so I guess I just start to get lonely and feeling a little sorry for myself (pathetic I know). What can I do to get over this? I can't see it getting any easier.

[bludie]

That repertoire of pleasantries -- flowers, poems, gifts, e-mails -- sounds familiar. And, yes, Cadbury it's very tempting to think you're making a mistake. I clung to those pleasantries thinking all the while "this is the real person -- the kind one -- who is showering me with attention and nice things...he truly must be seeing things my way and having a change of heart."

WRONG -- this wasn't real. It was part of the fantasy that I fell for in the first place. It's different for everyone, I suppose. However, if an N isn't done with you, or it isn't their idea to leave/move on, my experience showed they'll do just about anything to get you hooked in again. Just when you think they've learned, that your relationship will become better for this upheaval, you let your guard down hoping to return to normalcy and-- BAM!  The merry-go-round of Jekyll/Hyde -- the nice/mean cycle --starts all over again. The good stuff gets fewer and further between.  The conflicts/chaos become more frequent. And no matter what, it's ALWAYS your fault for whatever comes down the pike.

I, too, worry about loneliness and am not even facing pregnancy. So I can empathize with you, Cadbury.  Please be true to yourself (and your child). You'll know what's right if you can get quiet and still enough to hear the truth within yourself.

[Cadbury]

Thank you for your reply. That really helps actually. It's like I know it myself, but hearing someone else say it makes it more real somehow.

Since having found this board, I can see a lot of his behaviour as a kind of outsider. I see something he does that is such typical N behaviour and whereas before I would have taken it to heart and tried to "fix" it, now I just see it for what it is and that is helping me to distance myself. It's nights like tonight where I am on my own as my twoo little girls are with their father for the night and I am cold and lonely and really want the intimacy that I know he can give me if I give in. That is when I am at my lowest and get most tempted. I guess this will get easier sa I go along, but it is hard at the moment. Talking on this board and reading all the other posts helps me to see that I can do this and that I definitely do not want to go back to him whatever happens.

As an aside: Is it common for N's to use sex as a tool? My bf is very good at it and almost puts my pleasure before his own. He then uses this to try and lure me into bed. Not so much now I don't see him as often, but he has written some emails etc. Once or twice his behaviour has come close to assault in that he won't listen to me when I say no. I say it over and over and in the end have to force him to leave me alone at which point he sulks as though I've done something wrong by refusing him!