N boyfriend

[bludie]

As an aside: Is it common for N's to use sex as a tool? My bf is very good at it and almost puts my pleasure before his own. He then uses this to try and lure me into bed. Not so much now I don't see him as often, but he has written some emails etc. Once or twice his behaviour has come close to assault in that he won't listen to me when I say no. I say it over and over and in the end have to force him to leave me alone at which point he sulks as though I've done something wrong by refusing him!

In my situation I found that sex was very much of a tool or weapon, if you will. The last few encounters with my N felt very different -- odd and strained. And, yes, he didn't respect me when I said 'no.' It was near the end of our relationship and I thought sex would complicate things, so I tried to refrain. By that time, however, it was the only time I felt close to him so I was very conflicted.

As for feeling lonely, Cadbury, there are many ways to find comfort other than back in the arms of our N. It's been 2-1/2 months since I left my relationship and 3 weeks without any contact whatsoever. I am starting to feel clear-headed and almost 'normal' again. For a while I really didn't think I'd make it through -- was in more emotional pain than I'd realized -- but through counseling, friends and another support group (and this board) I am managing to see light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Took time and, I might add, some lonely nights to start crossing over to the other side. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

[Cadbury]

Thank you Bludie.

It is so good to be able to talk about this without feeling as though I've gone mad. It is nice that there are people who understand. I have found it hard to explain to friends how good he could make me feel as well as how bad. They seem to think that anyone who could treat me the way he does has to be all bad. I suppose in truth he is, but it is so hard to fight the constant messages of how special I am etc etc I know he uses it to try and get me back as his supply, but it is hard to forget. He did used to make me feel like the best woman on Earth, which is why I think it is so hard to reconcile the "nice" part with the unacceptable part. Very confused about it all really. I just go day by day and hope that before too long I can turn round and see that I have actually got through it!

[Anonymous]

You're very welcome Cadbury. Good to hear from you. And as I am experiencing, there are good days and bad days. Today I am feeling particularly vulnerable and actually missing my ex-N; wondering how it is that I am utterly indispensable despite being 'the light and love of his life' at one time.

I'd like to think that our Ns are sincere with their compliments. Wish we didn't rely on them so heavily or become intoxicated, so to speak, by this overly-exaggerated validation. In a sense I feel as sick as my N sometimes. He's off chasing N supply while I am reliving the sweet-nothings that were really just overt manipulation. Perhaps it's not that black and white. For now, I am keeping things on the up and up so as not to lapse into believing anymore of the sham I once lived with this man.

We'll get through -- all of us. Some days are harder than others.

Best,
Bludie

[Anonymous]

Today I am feeling particularly vulnerable and actually missing my ex-N; wondering how it is that I am utterly indispensable despite being 'the light and love of his life' at one time.

Check that last post -- I meant dispensable

Bludie

[Anonymous]

and I feel that I will never have anyone again

That is what can create "magical thinking' which skews your perception that the reality of what you lived wasn't as bad or unhealthy as it really was.  As hard as it might be, try to remember that there is no reason in the world why you wouldn't meet someone else.  

After you take some time to heal and think through this last relationship to learn from it, you can meet someone else eventually, and be much happier.

[Anonymous]

I am the guest that posted about my mother threatening to take my son....I just wanted to tell you that I was in a five year relationship that sounds very similiar to yours only thankfully, I never shared a child with this man.  

Even after he knew I was "gone" he continued trying to terrorize me for some time..threatening to ruin my relationship with the man I was dating (now my husband of 11 years).  It was one of those "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you" kinds of scenarios.   Eventually after calling the police numerous time to remove him from my front porch he found someone else to focus on and has left me alone now for almost 12 years.  

I read something in an article that I wanted to share with you....it said something along the lines that the most dangerous time with these people is when they are being NICE to you...it said "Don't worry when they are nasty to you but if they start to be nice to you, run like hell....it only means they are setting you up for something REALLY NASTY!"  

I have found that to be very, very true.

[Cadbury]

That last post is quite scary as he is being very, very nice at the moment. HE says things like "we can be friends, we owe it to the baby" and in the next breath "you know I will never let you go don't you?". Still, being distant and strong at the moment and it is sort of going in.

Thank you for all the support!

[Anonymous]

Cadbury:

You already know beyond a shadow of a doubt from past experience that the nice never lasts. Do not forget all the nice words and moments that turned sour before long, over & over again.

Nothing has changed--you are just at the sweet phase in a repetitive cycle. Phase two awaits.

And the "you know i'll never let you go" is a very controlling, threatening (do you realise it is threatening?) and scary comment. Nothing healthy or loving about it.

Plan to end it for good.

[Cadbury]

Well, we have been talking, mostly about the baby as obviously we cannot ignore it. Today he came round to see me and whilst he was here he used my computer briefly to check his email. He came across a web page where the description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is listed. (I hadn't cleared my history - ahhhh!) He asked me about it and I said that I had been filling out personality disorder tests for him and I and that was one of the things that had come up. He said "Who for? It must have been you as that doesn't describe me at all." I just said that I'd only done it for a laugh and it probably wasn't accurate anyway. He then made me show him the personality disorder page and proceeded to fill it out for himself. I was there when he did it and believe me, self- delusional doesn't even come close! I watched in absolute shock as he blatently misunderstood questions, or answered them totally falsely. I couldn't believe that he was that far wrapped up in it all not to be able to answer honestly. Is this because he genuinely has a different reality to me? Is there any hope for N people to be cured if they really cannot see it in themselves?

[Anonymous]

I can feel your incredulity!

Some people are so successful at lying to themselves (changing facts, for example, how much money is in their bank account) - that they pass lie detector tests 100%. They do believe their own lies.

If they don't realise this (and how could they?) and don't want to change, of course they will never change. There is no compulsion for change.

Maybe losing their job, losing a relationship, hitting 'rock bottom' might get them to look at themselves, but even then, some people blame the world instead of themselves... Take care Cadbury, Portia

[Anonymous]

Each interaction with him is telling you more & more about who he really is inside.

You are able to see him now, with new eyes, which gives you a lot to think about.

Keep watching...