N boyfriend

[Cadbury]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this board and came here through an UK Cosmo article. My problem is my Nboyfriend. I left my husband to be with him as I had been desperately unhappy in my marriage and believed all the things my bf said about how much he loved me. Things were absolutely fantastic for about 7 months and then I started noticing all this behaviour that I now recognise as part of NPD. He tells me he loves me, but constantly critiscizes me. When I protest he says he isn't critiscizing, just helping me to become a better person. Through being with him I lost contact with most of my family as he believed that if I loved him I should never want to spend any time away from him.
Even though I am now pregnant with his child, I have been trying to leave him now for over a month. We have conversations that go like this:

"I don't want to be with you anymore. I haven't been happy"

"If you keep rejecting me, I will go"

"That's good. I want you to go"

"See, you said it again. What's your problem?"

These can go on for hours. If I say what it is that has made me unhappy, he takes it as a personal attack and goes mad. "I hate you for this. How dare you do this to me" etc etc ...

I am physically exhausted, emotionally drained and I don't know what else to do. Does anyone have any advice? How do you dump someone who cannot believe you would dare?!! I sound like I am coping, but I really am not so any replies would be appreciated. Thank you!

[bludie]

Hello Cadbury,
Welcome to the board. Hope you find the help you need here. I certainly have (in most threads, anyway).

I can relate to the dilemma with your boyfriend. Although pregnancy wasn't a factor, I had given up/rearranged most of my life to pursue my ex-N's dream which removed me from the familiarity of family and friends. We actually moved to another city and I left my job. Talk about taking a risk!  I can see now it was his way of isolating me in order to achieve complete control.

At any rate, the break up cycle (trying to leave him) is eerily reminiscent of what you shared. No sooner had we moved, I started feeling very uneasy because he didn't seem happy. This was evidenced by a 6-month compulsive buying spree (big ticket items) that left us financially unstable. When I queried him about his happiness, and shared that I felt extremely vulnerable since I was now depending on him as the breadwinner, he would turn it around and accuse me of wanting to run or leave him. This tit-for-tat went on for months. I got more and more sucked into his way of thinking. At the end of 7 months of this, I didn't know if I was coming or going. Throughout the summer I left (or threatened to leave) a couple of times because things were going so poorly. He attributed this to the sole demise of our relationship.

I can see now that HE was the one who wanted to leave. Having taken on a lot of responsibility by supporting my daughter and me, this no longer afforded the freedom or fun that he thought he deserved. I sensed that he viewed me as a burden (no fun for an N who is seeking supply). I felt extremely hurt and compromised. It was a huge step for me to trust him enough to pursue "the dream" and I had gone from being an ultra-independent woman to a sniveling, fearful and dependent person.

With hindsight, I can now see he did EVERYTHING to sabotage our relationship. I was so caught up in thinking that I was the problem (because this is what he told me) that I tried everything to save the relationship. As I look back with our couples counselor (who got to know his patterns) it's very clear that he wanted out but spun it so that I felt responsible. It wouldn't have looked good in his grandiose world to be thought of as someone who abandoned a woman and her child in a strange city with little support and no job.

Life was so crazy during the breakup cycle, that I lost 20 pounds and started smoking. I am on the mend but it was a fast trip to hell. My advice to you, Cadbury, is to trust your instincts and take care of yourself (and your child) first -- come what may. I was afraid to make the leap and terrified of what this would mean financially but am a firm believer that "we get what we need when we need it." I am managing to turn my life around and realize now that the fear of what would happen to me if I left my N was worse than the reality of it.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself: 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Good luck and keep us 'post'ed  

[bunny]

Welcome Cadbury,

Here is a site that's helped others here. The article I recommend first is, "Identifying Losers in Relationships." It talks about the most effective ways to safely break up with an abuser:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/

take care,
bunny

[Cadbury]

Thank you those who have replied so far.

Bunny - I just read that article you sent me to. I cried and cried with all kinds of emotions. Mostly relief that I am not mad and that he is what I thought he was. Nearly every word rang true. Especially stuff about the break up. He has done every one of thos things. Threatened to go back to his ex (who doesn't want him anyway), threatened to kill himself, says he doesn't want anything to do with our baby, says no one else will put up with me, etc etc. I will try all the techniques in the article and hope that it helps. I find it hard because a part of me (obviously a very stupid part) misses him like mad. It's the good part I miss. Although I have to say that after reading all the articles I have I am beginning to see that those good things don't really exist and are all part of the game he plays.

I will keep you posted. I think I need to go to a counsellor about it all, as I do feel as though I have lost all sense of self through this relationship. Is this common?

[meadow]

Dear Cadbury,
I just read your post and I don't know if it is common to lose "ones self" but I sure can relate to that statement.  I was told for so long how most everything that went wrong was my fault that I still have a hard time shaking that.  My former husband was abusive; especially emotionally and psychologicaly.  Today I am struggling with...."Who am I?"  My reality was dictated to me and my feelings were discounted.  It is almost like I underwent brainwashing and now I have to pick and sort what is True and what is not.  It is a horrible feeling and I am working with a counselor.  The separation/divorce process is horrible right now and some days I am not sure I am going to make it.  I have 3 children, 16, 13 and 8.  The 13 year old does not live with me and his dad does not want my middle one to see me.  A few nights ago I asked to talk to my middle child and his dad said he couldn't come to the phone because he was busy playing a computer game.  I asked if he could return my call later then.  Later never happened.   This happens quite often.  The next time I was on the phone I tried to make arrangments for my middle child to come over this weekend.  His dad said that my son didn't want to because I caused great Hurt to him by splitting up with his dad.  His dad told me that my son doesn't want anything to do with me because of hurting his dad.  Everything seems to take on a twist of what I have done to him and the kids become pawns.  
Where are all my feelings in all this?  I keep them to myself, or share with my friends.  It seems like he shouts his feelings to his kids through actions like this and others.

So...Who am I? I don't know if others have felt this way.....but I feel like someone who got swallowed up by an abusive N and is just beginning to find my path......very shakily and with no confidence....but trying to stay on the path of discovering myself again.

Meadow

[bunny]

Cadbury,

On the same site is an article called "Love & Stockholm Syndrome: Loving an Abuser." It might help you.

bunny

[ukgirl]

well cadbury i am new to this board too, if fact i came here through the cosmo article too - i thought i was mad! everythign you say is EXACTLY the same as me - i how ever get really bad threats to myself and my family that i will be killed etc - but what do you do? beleive or not beleive??
i have just ordered 2  books off of amazon that i am gonna read: walking on egg shells and i hate you dont leave me - so ill let you know how they go. Herne bay isnt too far from me either im in sidcup kent.
i feel my life is slowly drifting away from me and im half (if not less) than the person i was before - my only escape is going to work - something he hates also. He's slowly cutting me off from my family too and i dont know what to do. Because i live with him i will loose everything i have ever owned and be left with debts. but i think i would rather that than to continue for much longer. I dont know. I just know that you arent alone as i thought i was, it IS a known condition and there is ligth at the end of the tunnel - only i;'ve yet to get there myself yet!!! xx

[bludie]

Bunny -- thank you for the articles. They're a great resource. I, too, cried while reading them -- especially the "The Loser" article. Unfortunately, my ex-N fit all descriptors but two. This explains why I felt so stressed, drained, uncertain, depressed and confused.

I am very glad to see people being brought to the site through the Cosmo article, too.

As I said in my earlier post to Cadbury, no one can make the decision for another as to ending/staying in a relationship. I will say this, however, if you think things will get better, they in all likelihood won't. Life will only get worse with an N. As they wear you down and chip away at your sense of self, it is more and more difficult to find the stamina and fortitude to leave.

I, too, faced great financial uncertainty with the prospect of breaking it off with my N. However, the fear of losing my sanity outweighed my fear of financial insecurity. What I wasn't able to do for myself, at the time, I was able to do for my daughter. I realized that she was suffering greatly while living in the chaos and foment of our household. In terms of her welfare, I was able to see things more clearly and it became very apparent that if my daughter was in the type of relationship that I was in, I'd tell her to run like hell.

[Portia]

Cadbury, great name, wish I’d thought of a chocolate maker’s name – mmm!

My thoughts: How old are you? How pregnant are you? Are you happy to be pregnant?

Why were you so unhappy with your husband - was he similar in character to your boyfriend? (Because if so, you need to know how you’re going to avoid falling for this type of man again.)

If/when you leave your boyfriend, do you have plans on how you’ll practically cope? (I’m assuming you live at ‘his’ place and that to leave him you will have to leave the home.) Are you financially independent?

Can you stay with your family? Getting back in contact with your family – and/or friends – is a positive thing you can do right now. You need time to think away from this relationship. Can you try just a week away from him?  P

[Portia]

Hi Meadow. I may have missed news from you, but wanted to ask how things are with your daughter? (Sorry if you've already mentioned this elsewhere). P

[Cadbury]

Thanks everyone! UKgirl, we should meet up! It could only help (if we can get away!!)

My situation is slightly complicated. I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 33. We were together for 10 years and I was starved of affection. He never cuddled me or kissed me and although we were friends that was really all. My bf was someone I had known at uni who then abducted his son and left the country for 7 years. He came bac last year, was arrested and contacted me when he was released. It isn't as bad as it sounds in that he has been justified in being awarded custody of his son now as the mother was as mad as he had tried to prove. Anyway, he made me feel so utterly special that I was absolutely swept of my feet. We have had a hell of a year as I have two small children from my ex (I'm truly not as bad as I sound!) and I am now four months pregnant with my bf's child (planned and very much wanted).

I am lucky enough not to be financially dependant on him and so the seperation is easy in that sense, but he obviously wants to be part of the baby's life. THe Loser article described him so exactly that I know I have to get away from him, but he plays games with me all the time. He spends days saying that he can accept the relationship is over and he will try and help as much as possible with the baby and then days where he willl phone me late at night and tell me he hates me and he is going to make me pay for what I have done to him. He tries to make me feel guilty for all the things he has done for me. He threatens to confront my family about my childhood, he threatens to hit my ex husband (Who is actually a very nice man, that accepted that the marriage should end) and all kinds of things. He tries to make my daughters want him more than me by almost refusing to let me do things for them and just generally erodes me from within.

I am trying to follow the advice in the article, but he came round last night after I had specifically asked him not to and spent hours making me feel terrible and messing with my head, before holding me close and kissing me and telling me he can't live without me. It goes on and on and it is getting to the stage where I start thinking I should go back to him just to stop the endless cycle.  Sorry to go on for so long, but I have been so isolated for so long that I am unburdening it! You can ignore it if you want!

[Anonymous]

I am trying to follow the advice in the article, but he came round last night after I had specifically asked him not to and spent hours making me feel terrible and messing with my head, before holding me close and kissing me and telling me he can't live without me.

You let him stay for hours after specifically asking him not to come over. He knows your boundaries are weak and he can trample on them. Can you work on your boundaries and limit-setting?

It goes on and on and it is getting to the stage where I start thinking I should go back to him just to stop the endless cycle.

There are children involved here so please protect them by not going back.

bunny

[Portia]

Cadbury, you said:

He tries to make my daughters want him more than me by almost refusing to let me do things for them and just generally erodes me from within.

It is your choice and your responsibility to do things for your daughters. If you allow a man to stop you, that’s your choice. You’re putting him before your children and your children will recognise that. They will blame you in later years for their psychological problems!

You have a duty of care for your children. They come first!

Also, confronting your family about your childhood sounds interesting. Is it something you want to do? It’s something people here have thought about, talked about and even done in some cases. Talking about this here might be useful to you? We’ve had conversations here about difficult subjects so please talk if you wish. On the other hand, you mentioned seeing a counsellor – that sounds like a very good idea. Are you following it up?

[ukgirl]

Well Cadbury, i relate to it all i really do - im thinking of just upping and leaving - but that means loosing everything i have ever worked for/ possesed including my clothes! i will ahve to give up my job and move away - i beleive its the only way to rid myself of him. Cadbury, theres nothing more than i would like to meet up and chat about it all, knowing someone is feeling just what i do is so enlighting too, but there is no way on this earth i will be "allowed" out!!! Comign home from work the other night and my train was cancelled so i had to make my way home by alturnative route - when i got home (half hour after  i normally get in) a photo of us both had disappear he was siting there fumong at me, then later on started saying i stared this all get this, by sitting on a different seat in out house rather than sitting next to him!!!!!!??????
I know im not mad - but i am slowly going mad i know i am. But i am reading 'Stop walkign on egg shells'  and i must say its really good really interesting - i ordered if off amazon, i also got "i hate you dont leave me" but am yet to read that. i would recomend having a look at it - but again its havng to hide it so they dont find it  and then throw a fit at you. at the end of the day - the only person we a loosing is ourselves, and the only person who is being decieved is again ourselves by ourselves.
But there is hope, and there is a way out - its just easier said than done. xx

[Cadbury]

Thanks again.

What he does with my daughters is he will ask them "Who do you want to pick you up from nursery today? Mummy or me?" They are three and a half and two years old so they answer to please him "you!". He then tries to make this a big issue by telling me I will be making them unhappy if I don't let him pick them up.  I don't give in, but it isn't nice. If I make them a snack of fruit or toast or something (I try to get them to eat healthily) he will offer them a chocolate biscuit and when I say no I look like the "bad mummy".

When he came round the other night even though I'd asked him not to, he sent his son to the door and I can't have the big "you can't come in" thing with an eleven year old little boy who has been through so much already. Plus, his van had broken down and he couldn't start it easily. I know I should be stronger, but I guess my boundaries are weak. Does any one have any tips on setting strong boundaries?

I suffered minor sexual abuse when I was younger, by a close family member whom I have now forgiven and we get on well. My bf knows all about this and threatens to bring it up. This would open so many wounds in my family that it would destroy a lot of relationships. It is my ex-abuser who has offered to go to my bf and ask him to leave me alone. I don't think he knows what my bf (and others in narcissistic rage) can be like and I want to stop this from happenening. For this reason I have to hide a lot of things from my family in order to protect them.

How often do N people carry out their threats? Are they something to worry about?

UKgirl - where do you work (location not specifics!!) - we could meet at lunch one day perhaps?

I know I don't want to go back to him. I know he will make me unhappy. How long could it take for him to get the message? I am looking for a counsellor and hope to have an appointment soon.