Not sure what to put for a title!

[Twoapenny]

Thank you again, it does feel uncomfortable but I am sitting with it anyway and things will change at some point.  Thank you xx

[Twoapenny]

And just to update a little further - have arranged a Christmas get together with the mums I chat to at swimming (whilst the kids have their lessons).  They're all nice ladies so it will be good to have a proper chat and get to know them a little better.  Have also been thinking about Hopsie's idea about community projects of some sort; at first I was floundering a bit as it's difficult to take my son along to things as he's autistic and prefers being at home but it's also difficult to get babysitters, so I felt a little bit stuck at first.  But this evening I realised that I take him to lots of sports groups for disabled children and I could offer to get involved with fundraising for them or something like that.  So feeling like I'm moving in the right direction.  Thank you

[lighter]

Tupp:

I like the idea of you expanding into volunteer time with the groups your son's already familiar and comfortable with too.

You do what you can, and in your case you pick and choose the things that won't stress your son, but may perhaps broaden his horizons. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

You are a FABULOUS mother, imo, Tupp.

Doing some of these new things to attend to your own needs as a social being,
is part of being a good mother to him. It will make you wiser, stronger, more confident.

A mom who has community, sees how she truly is always part of something bigger, and has a sense
of perspective, purpose and joy...that's all better for him too.

As to awkwardness in going together with your autistic child, I'm not sure, but I think our
culture understands a lot more than we used to, about autism. And regardless, I know some
communities will do all they can to make you both feel welcome. And sometimes, I think it
helps to inside your head, declare YOURSELF a welcome and worthy part of community.
To see yourself as someone who is valuable, worthwhile, and completely worthy of belonging.

Does he have trouble in public behaving in a "socially acceptable" way, or is he just his
quirky spectrum self? I believe it is a GIFT to communities to have opportunities to learn
how to get along and interact with those who are different. Boosts the humanity of us all.

I think you have terrific instincts.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you Lighter, I was wondering how I'd find more time to do things and then realised there are probably things I can do at groups we already go to, even if it's just staying behind for ten minutes to help tidy up.

Thank you, Hopsie, for such a lovely compliment.  It's not his behaviour that's a problem he's generally very good, it's more that he finds all sorts of situations stressful and if he gets too stressed out by things (even things he likes can stress him out because he's so sensitive to noise, certain kinds of lights etc) it really wipes him out for a couple of days and makes him unhappy.  Sometimes we've been to a new group or activity and something about it has made him just refuse to even enter the building and there's nothing on earth that will get him inside!  Even if I was a forcing kind of a person (which I'm not) he's bigger than me so I can't do anything about it.  But regardless, I will keep my eyes and ears open, now that I'm open to the idea I will probably see something that's worth a try and we will definitely give something new a go xx

[Hopalong]

Wild thought. I wonder if it would be helpful to him to have a really excellent pair of sound-absorbing earplugs?
Not visible to others really...just something he could put in before going into a group situation where a lot of talk
and unfamiliar sound might overwhelm?

I love my earplugs. (Have raging tinnitus so I put them in for lots of things.)

Dunno if that relates to his feelings at all. Just a wild-hair thought. (Or wild cilia, har har...)

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Yes, Hops.

Earplugs or maybe the ability to put on headphones and listen to soothing sounds, music or whatever works.....

language tapes?

I like books on tape, and for a while there I went to sleep listening to THE MONSTERS OF TEMPLETON...... it truly helped me stay steady when my mind wanted to jump around, and scatter like a monkey in a tree.   I enjoyed listening to the book as much as the voice on the recording soothed my nerves. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Ah thanks you two, his hearing's so sensitive he wears ear defenders to bed! The type that blokes wear when they're drilling roads and what have you!  Bless him.  He just needs a lot of down time in between activities, thank you for your thoughts and suggestions, we will find a way! xx

[Twoapenny]

I am working on being around kind people - fill my life with what I like and leave behind what I don't   Chatted to a friend today who offered to have my step-brother for Christmas so that I can have a break.  She's never met him but she is kind enough to offer that.  Another friend I spoke to later in the day invited us up for Christmas and offered to pay for our coach fare so that we don't have to deal with things.  Such kindness from people and my time is taken up with unkind ones!  How silly I have been.  Such kindness on this board, so many people going through different things but still taking time out to help others.  All is good.  Thank you for your support and for being there.

[Twoapenny]

Well I have been struggling a bit with this recently.  Even though the contact I was having with people wasn't healthy it was contact and I've found it difficult to be very, very alone over the last couple of weeks.  I am sticking to my guns, though, I need to break these habits if I'm ever going to change them.

I haven't heard from my sister.  Usually I would have contacted her by now but again, I need to stop doing it so I have left things as they are.  I am finding it difficult - I know all of this will be 'my' fault - but I know I haven't done anything wrong so I will carry on regardless.

I am trying to be more honest when I speak to people.  I don't usually like to moan and complain but I have come to the conclusion that I am doing too good a job of making out everything's great all the time as a lot of my friends seem to have no idea how difficult things are sometimes.  I was chatting to one of the mums at my son's swimming club and mentioned that the hospital had told me at very short notice I needed to take someone with me for my son's next appointment and it was too late for me to find anyone to take the time off work.  She has offered to come with me which was very kind of her.  Usually I wouldn't have mentioned it but it seems there are advantages to admitting you can't cope with everything alone!

I've also decided to juggle my money differently and use some money I currently spend on my son to go out one night a month.  I do need to look after myself better and a cinema night - even if I end up going on my own- every now and again would help.  I won't do it until after Christmas now because money's pretty tight but it's not long to wait   Have also reconnected with an old school friend and will be seeing her soon so things are still feeling wrong but are going in the right direction.

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

Tupp:

You sound so spot on right now......

so hooked into your reality, and fixing patterns that need attention.

It's OK to be human and talk about it with friends.... so glad that mother offered to help.  Accept that help, and know it's good. 

It's OK to not always be stoic........  I think it makes us easier to know, and engage with frankly.

Adding a piece to your self care ritual will give you more energy to care for your son..... a very wise investment. 

::nodding::

Lighter

[gratitude28]

That's very unkind. You are taking it well because you have become healthy and understand that it's not you - it's them! You are so thoughtful to plan for your step brother. Please give yourself a ginormous hug from me and kudos on being such a good person. May you have a wonderful holiday season knowing that you are living as you should.
xxxxxoooooo

[Twoapenny]

Bones, you are an A* hugger, I think you should get a certificate or something   Thank you

Lighter and Gratitude, thank you for your support and words of encouragement, it is greatly appreciated.

There has been some communication between my sister and myself, it isn't perfect but it's a step in the right direction so I am glad that I have said what I did and that it seems to be moving in a more positive way than I thought it was   I also went to the medical assessment with my son today which was horrible but the other mum came along with me and she was very supportive so I appreciated that a lot and am glad she was there.  A couple of things I've noticed as I've thought about all of this over the last couple of weeks are that:

1  I rarely, if ever, admit to any kind of negativitity in my life - being tired, worried, scared, not coping etc - because in my family any weakness was used against you and I was generally expected to cope without complain regardless of how difficult anything was.  It was very much a Stepford Wife approach - smile, look shiny, keep the house tidy and nothing else matters (or is allowed).  So another new thing to practise; understanding not everyone is like that and some people accept problems as part of life and will help you with them instead of using them to batter you more!

2  I've tended to develop very intense friendships with one person in the past and then rely on them for everything - a replacement mother, presumably.  Invariably those relationships dissolve eventually and I'm left very alone until I make a new 'best friend' and then I do the same thing again.  Now that I've realised I do that I want to try and create a network of people I enjoy spending time with and try to spend roughly equal amounts of time with each, so that I don't fall into that 'you are the only person in my world' thing again.  Not healthy!  So yes, feeling better and I think moving in the right direction.  Sometimes I think perhaps just putting it out there helps, you know, just making a decision to change even if you're not entirely sure how to?

Thank you all for your help and support, it really means a lot to me.  Tupp xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

I think it's difficult to learn how to receive if one's role has always been giver/teacher/helper relationships.

You pay attention to how admired healthier people navigate relationships..... you learn to recieve AND give. 

You learn to put boundaries in place, and to defend them gently, but consistenly......

enforcing boundaries doesn't require anger, or drama, thank goodness.

Balance is good: )

Lighter