How to fend off a gang of jackals?

[KayZee]

Aggghhh....

I'm beginning to feel like a broken record with all these NC problems.  The same crap seems to happen every couple of weeks: my whole family leaps on me all at once, like jackals, or wolves, or whatever animals hunt in packs. 

A little update/back story...

-  I'm two weeks from my due date and still trying to finish up a work deadline as I wait for baby.  My in-laws just arrived for a three week visit, so I'm not feeling quite so blue/isolated/family-less.  I really, really enjoy my in-law's company and they are so helpful around the house and good with the kids.

- A few weeks ago, I heard from GC sister again.  She called me up and got really aggressive, asking why I haven't sent her piece of writing to a work colleague.  I answered because she hadn't finished the piece of writing, and I didn't feel comfortable sending work unless it was finished.  But then, GC sis just started railing at me.  I caved in saying, "Are you asking me to send it now?  (she hadn't asked anything, just attacked me).  Fine then, I'll send it now. G-bye."  Typical GC sis behavior.  Only calls when she needs something/wants to use me.  I kind of emotionally detached after that.  Realized we will never ever have a close, sisterly relationship.  She'll never care about me or call just to chat.  Been sort of grieving my whole family's hopeless dysfunction, not just coming to terms with NM.

- Sent a snail mail letter a few weeks ago to NM and co-N, enabling Dad, saying we're too overwhelmed with the pregnancy/forthcoming new baby and won't be traveling or hosting any holidays this year.  Dad emailed me back from some new email address (one I hadn't blocked when I went NC) and seemed much more empathetic and less N-ish than he has in past communications.  Saying he understood.  And also, the kids' xmas presents were "too big to mail" and maybe they could drop them by some afternoon after the new baby is born.  I said, "Fine.  Sounds good.  A day visit, only a couple of hours.  See the new baby, exchange gifts, whatever.  I'll let you know when."  Hopefully, my in-laws will still be here, and there will be witnesses--people who will force my pressure my parents to be on their best/not-so-abusive behavior.

Anyway, barrage of emails and phone calls today.  From both dad and GC-sis.  This is the way it always works.  Everyone swoops down and attacks me all at once.  Dad emailing to say, he tried to call me and wish me a happy thanksgiving (we'd already done a thanksgiving email) and my cell phone carrier restricted his call (I'd blocked him), demanding to know what is going on?  You know what's going on.  I don't want to talk to you.  I've asked for NC. 

I've ignored Dad's email so far, and just don't want to get sucked back into drama of having to demand my space again (then they will lash out at me and attack me again).  But then, of course, GC sis has started calling me out of the blue at the exact same time, clearly to report back to my dad about my phone number (I haven't blocked her).  I've ignored sis' calls too.  I just can't take it.  It feels like they're just trying to stir up some holiday-shit, attack me, take their misery out on someone. 

I don't know what to do.  I don't want to engage with them any more than I've already done when I said, "Fine.  I'll let you come and see your new granddaughter very briefly after she's born").  There is nothing more to say.  If I engage, they will attack me.  If I keep ignoring them, will they go away?  It all feels like another set-up/head game and I don't want any part in it. 

Another part of me feels like they do this every pregnancy.  Right before my due date, when I'm at my most uncomfortable and preoccupied, they make a full-scale attempt to try to fuck with me.

Agghhh, please help.  When will this cycle ever end?  I don't want to toyed with anymore.

[sKePTiKal]

You need to occupy yourself - wholly and totally committed - to something else. As a practical matter - a way to stuff your brain full of something else, so there's no time to let thoughts wander back to rehashing all the same time-worn paths of futility. Blocking more email/phone calls wouldn't be "mean" either. Just try to convince yourself that you need to postpone whatever experience of them, is ultimately inevitable.

It's the best thing for your stress levels and the little one. You're the one in control of that - not them. (Despite all the entitlement they think they have.)

Hugs to you, Kay...
and remember: they don't have a real grasp of boundaries or reality... so whatever they choose to lob at you isn't based in reality either.

Breathe. Enjoy the gorgeous fall weather (or snow... if you're getting some!) and simply make your nest for the new one, in peace.

[KayZee]

Thanks P.R.

Don't know why it's so hard to put it out of my mind.  Bad habits on my end too, I guess.  The patterns are still there; it's sooooo easy to let them ruin my day, make me crazy, make it difficult to concentrate on my work or my kids. 

Snowfall tonight!  Gonna try to take your advice, take on some projects, concentrate on weatherproofing some windows and making sure I've got everything together for the hospital.

Thank you so much for listening.  And for letting me talk it all through when I was well on my way to bottling it up and feeling hopeless!... Kay x

[Twoapenny]

Hi Kay,

It will be on your mind, but that's because you are human and dealing with real emotions and real life.  See it as a sign they haven't managed to drive you completely crazy yet

I'd just ignore.  You've been very clear in your requests for space, privacy and so on.  You've been polite and thoughtful.  I remember an earlier post about your sister and this unfinished thing she's written, you told her then you'd send it when it was finished and she's ignored that and is bothering you again.

I found things changed for me when I started to control what I focused on.  For me, that was my son, my health, our home, money, my friends - in short I wanted a better life for both of us.  So when I found myself getting angry about my mum, I went for a long walk or took my son out somewhere nice - something positive for us.  If I got upset about my step-dad, I'd clear out a cupboard or do some gardening - something productive.  It's still a work in progress but it is helping.

Work to your script now, not theirs.  You've asked them to stay away, they are refusing to.  So act as if they are doing what you asked and try to focus on your time with your in-laws, your kids and most importantly, yourself.  It's good that you're at a point where you don't need the drama, for a long time I think I was as addicted to feeling bad and being their victim as they were addicted to making me feel that way (I'm not suggesting that's the same for you, just trying to say that it's very healthy that you find yourself wanting space from what they do).

Ignore, ignore, ignore!  Eventually it gets easier (((((((((Kay)))))))))))

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((KayZee)))))))))))))))))))

These jackals/jackasses will NEVER recognize boundaries because they just DON'T CARE!  Their entire world view is:  "EFF you, ME FIRST!"  I guess it's time to block ALL of their points of contact and ask the hubs if he can assist in guarding the castle from any further invasions.  When your in-laws arrive to help, please recruit their assistance in keeping these invaders out.  You're going to need it, especially when you go into labor and after the baby is born!

If the "Princess GC" sends you a piece of garbage that isn't good enough to put on the bottom of a bird cage, I would let it sit and ROT instead of bothering your friends with it!  If the "Princess GC" somehow manages to contact you about it, state that the mail hasn't arrived yet, or it could be tied up in the Christmas rush, or whatever.  Then let the hubs take over and have him tell "Princess GC" that you are now in full nesting mode and to LEAVE YOU ALONE!

Their entire world view is:  "EFF you, ME FIRST" so turn the tables on them!  EFF THEM!!!!

Bones

[Hopalong]

I think ignoring phone calls you don't wish to take is just fine.
Ditto blocking emails.

And ditto the getting busy with things that are positive and productive for you.

I think where you feel most vulnerable is in the weak/frozen/inner "melting" feeling you get when any of them approaches.
All the practical "block" methods are important but what will make them more effective and comfortable over time is inner
work. It's the fact that you feel so vulnerable that makes it so difficult for you to set (and re-set and re-set) and hold boundaries.

Or, that's the only side of it you can control.
If the FOC is going to compulsively reach out, when you don't want them to, you have only two things you can do, both of which are learnable, doable, and will become easier with a lot of support, practice, and time.

1) set boundaries, communicate them clearly, and hold them when they're tested
2) get therapy, support groups, read books, seek assertiveness training, so you don't suffer BEFORE or AFTER you set a boundary

As you begin to do this more consistently and more calmly, and as you begin to feel like a strong and unscared person (this is what is going to happen the more you heal -- you are not doomed to feel your current emotions always, you reallly will begin to feel differently) ... it will be something like "weather" in your life. Times when you've got to stop and deal with it, but you will not take it personally.

love you,
Hops

[KayZee]

Thank you Tup!

I think I was as addicted to feeling bad and being their victim as they were addicted to making me feel that way (I'm not suggesting that's the same for you, just trying to say that it's very healthy that you find yourself wanting space from what they do).

I can definitely relate to this, and have been thinking a lot on the matter.  I don't know whether I'm just addicted to the role I've always played in this dysfunctional psychodrama (and it feels weird to step away and let the part go unfilled) or whether there's something almost PTSD-y going on. 

Lately, it's been feeling like the latter.  When this kind of thing goes down, I toss and turn all night long for days afterward.  Even when I do manage to sleep I have horrible weird disjointed nightmares about NM and the rest of family.  Whenever FOO triggers me, I completely shut down for a few days and it feels very hard to live in the present...my body feels like there's a real emergency going on and the threat of danger is real.  I zone out when people are talking to me, miss whole bits of conversation and tv/movies.  Find it difficult not to let high-volume toddler noise/tantrums overwhelm me.

I think it's definitely time to find a good therapist...at least for the next few months before I'm facing expensive health insurance problems again.  I just feel so alone sometimes.  Like there's few people to talk to and even fewer that understand.  The few really well-meaning people I confide in don't seem to get it.  They seem to think  I can't get over whatever childhood stuff happened to me.  But, form where I'm standing, it is all happening right now, every day, in such subtle deniable ways.  I feel FOO's desperation.  All their other scapegoats have gotten the hell out of dodge.  I want to keep myself out of their cross hairs, but I feel so cornered, stalked, surrounded sometimes.

[KayZee]

((((Bones)))))

Hugs of thanks!  I think I am going to set up some more blocks today. 

I think I've been holding out hope for years that my sister and I might be able to have a relationship sometime in the far-away future, when she finds some more maturity/inner strength and isn't so dependent on NM.  But the sad fact is: we have never been close.  We have never had a relationship.  NM has always stood firmly between us.  And even, years ago--when I thought we were finally connecting--sis was just reporting everything back to NM in secret, using even banalities about my life to stir the pot, using anything she gathered to fuel the family drama/dysfunction. 

Blocking sis, ignoring her, all of it, feels like finally letting go of the fantasy that it can be okay, that I can have some family ties.  The truth is: everyone my family camp is really, deeply mentally ill.  And the rest of FOO has no interest in facing reality, getting help, healing themselves.  The best I can do is plug on, on my own, and try my very best to get better myself.

[KayZee]

Thank you Hops,

It's so reassuring to hear this won't last forever.  That's what I struggle with most: this feeling that there is no escape, that I'll never get out of the cage NM and FOO have put me in. 

This is absolutely how it feels! 

weak/frozen/inner "melting" feeling you get when any of them approaches.

  Just totally debilitating and frightening.  The feeling is deep in my brain, firing off warning sirens to every part of my body, and it lasts for two days before and two days after family contact. 

I would really love to get to the point where any small interaction with FOO doesn't have the capacity to ruin my concentration and emotional well-being for the week.  But at the moment, that seems utterly impossible.  So I think, for the time being, I will have to keep relying on these physical, technological blocks while I try to build up my emotional, inner blocks. 

thank you so much for listening...Kay x

[Butterfly]

Oh dear.  I really feel for you.  It is so, so difficult dealing with Ns during a pregnancy.  You need emotional support not emotional sabotage, etc.  You might want to rethink allowing Ns to see the baby post-delivery when you are at a weak/tired point.  Sometimes, the only way to disengage is to end the contact.  It seems the minute you waver and permit a visit, then they increase their attack.  Abusers, beyond even pity. 

Reach out for those who will sustain and love you during this wonderful time!  So glad your in-laws are supportive.  Also, the "toys are too big to mail" routine has been used by my Ns as a ruse to visit and attack.  Don't fall for that one. 

Wishing you comfort, joy and peace.

[KayZee]

Thank you Butterfly:)

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone--that you've been there before and gotten through it. 

Ns really seem to ramp up their nastiness in late pregnancy, don't they?  At least that's been my experience.  Last time I was pregnant, NM came to visit a week before my due date and spent the whole time mocking me ("HA! Kay, you just waddled!  You're literally waddling!"), stressing me out ("I'm soooo bored.  You need to go into labor already.  Go bounce on a trampoline or something") or speaking to me as though I was obese (the fact that there was an actual baby in my stomach seemed to be totally lost on her, she kept giving me long condescending lectures about how I shouldn't be drinking whole milk or using butter, how I should be doing the same kind of exercise she did, it had helped her "lose soo much weight").

The "too big to mail" schtick really is a schtick.  Gonna beef up my tech blocks and see how I feel once the new baby arrives.  I really, truly don't want to see my folks...don't want them anywhere near my family, but I find it so hard not to be swayed by others.  DH in particular.  He knows how horrendous every visit with my parents is...he sees the head games they pull on us...he's supported me in my decision to forgo the holidays with them and go NC, but he still feels conflicted where the new baby is concerned.  He feels my parents have some right to meet her when the time comes.  DH's family is just so supportive and normal, it's hard for him to fully accept that he's dealing with people who are deeply abnormal.  Which is a totally healthy human reaction, I think.  I mean, a normal brain can't wrap its mind around N-ish behavior; it's easiest to either deny it or run.

Anyway, thank you so much for listening and the support! 

This pregnancy has really made me see how badly I need to sort my FOO situation and myself out.  I realized yesterday, that I've spent the past couple of years not really challenging myself, not even paying attention to myself (fact that I didn't realize I was pregnant til the second trimester is a good indication of this!).  Feel like I'm not really living, just trying to emotionally survive on some day to day level.  I've sort of been in a half-numbed out haze because I haven't wanted to deal with all of this.  But I've got to deal with it, can't go on living this way:(

[teartracks]

KayZee,

My personal opinion.  If you don't want to see your tormentors, don't do it.  It appears that their showing up will do emotional harm to you and perhaps the newborn.  I'm a firm believer that infants have a keen sense of their surroundings and especially conflict.  My vote is for you and the baby to be cloistered from the toxic people now and perhaps for a long period of time after the baby is born.   It appears that DH is a very sympathetic person, a wonderful characteristic but for yours and the baby's wellbeing I would respectfully decline and not give in to the pressure that is at work.

tt

[BonesMS]

((((Bones)))))

Hugs of thanks!  I think I am going to set up some more blocks today. 

I think I've been holding out hope for years that my sister and I might be able to have a relationship sometime in the far-away future, when she finds some more maturity/inner strength and isn't so dependent on NM.  But the sad fact is: we have never been close.  We have never had a relationship.  NM has always stood firmly between us.  And even, years ago--when I thought we were finally connecting--sis was just reporting everything back to NM in secret, using even banalities about my life to stir the pot, using anything she gathered to fuel the family drama/dysfunction. 

Blocking sis, ignoring her, all of it, feels like finally letting go of the fantasy that it can be okay, that I can have some family ties.  The truth is: everyone my family camp is really, deeply mentally ill.  And the rest of FOO has no interest in facing reality, getting help, healing themselves.  The best I can do is plug on, on my own, and try my very best to get better myself.

((((((((((((((((((((((KayZee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm visualizing you being surrounded by THICK castle walls with the drawbridge pulled up and closed.....the moat filled with hungry alligators....the battlements filled with Klingon warriors, armed to the teeth, ready to fight off any and all invaders who attempt to FORCE themselves on you and the baby WITHOUT your permission!  Q'Pla!

[lighter]

Awww, KayZee.... this should be a happy time, looking forward to a new baby, and enjoying the holidays with help, and everyone tip toeing around to keep the peace!  SO glad you enjoy your IL's!

I don't see there ever being any peace with your family around though: /

If I was you, and I realize I'm not,  I'd let your father and sister know they have the choice of respecting your bounaries or the relationship effectively gets shut down to whatever level you need it to be shut down to get some peace.

If they can't respect your boundaries, they're the ones making the choice to be placed further outside your life.... wherever that may be.

I'd say it, e-mail it, snail mail it and let the entire family know in no uncertain terms....

it's their choice. 

I hope you can find some serenity in the matter, and very soon.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

This is a hard but really powerful declaration, imo, ((((KZ))))

This pregnancy has really made me see how badly I need to sort my FOO situation and myself out.  I realized yesterday, that I've spent the past couple of years not really challenging myself, not even paying attention to myself (fact that I didn't realize I was pregnant til the second trimester is a good indication of this!).  Feel like I'm not really living, just trying to emotionally survive on some day to day level.  I've sort of been in a half-numbed out haze because I haven't wanted to deal with all of this.  But I've got to deal with it, can't go on living this way:(

I thnk you deserve LOADS of support and I have such faith you can find it, and at your own pace, gradually unwrap and deal with it.
I have had critical help from a kind, invested, serious and compassionate T. One precious hour 2x-3x a month, with no guilt and no recrimination, just a safe, insightful space where I can feel safely, and then begin to think safely. To examine what I need to deal with.

You deserve that. And social, emotional, community support...sometimes when one looks for it from a partner, they can't carry the helpful new vision all alone.
love
Hops