How to fend off a gang of jackals?

[lighter]

Kayzee:

It almost makes me want to put a calendar up at your house.....

in your garage, in a cabinet, so you don't see it unless you choose the time and seek it out.

On this calendar you will keep track of the boundaries your family crosses, after you've stated the consequence for said boundary crossings will push back the date they may come to your home and meet the new baby.

I know that sounds strange, and awful, and terrible, but they'd have a chance at seeing the baby while your IL's are there THIS YEAR.

Or not. 

I know they aren't children, and it's an odd thing to come to mind, but their behavior makes me want to go through my consistent discipline toolbox so badly.

Lighter

[KayZee]

Thanks Lighter!  I know just what you mean.  FOO is full of overgrown babies!  My own kids (who are toddlers) have more emotional maturity, not to mention more sense of social appropriateness, more compassion, more honesty/integrity/authenticity!  It's funny...I made a list that was very similar to your calendar idea the other week.  I felt like I needed to write it all down so I could pull it out in moments when FOO was successfully making me feel confused and crazy and remind myself that their abuses and boundary-crossings are a very consistent pattern of behavior!  Thank you so deeply for taking this insanity through with me.

[KayZee]

So our new baby is here!  Of course, births never seem to happen the way you think they're going to, but this was particularly out of left field....

I dropped DH off at the train station on Tuesday morning; he had to travel a couple of hours away to the big city for his real estate certif. exam.   Then, I dropped my daughter off at her nursery school.  Felt one or two light contractions during all that, but nothing more than I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks.  Went home, read my son some books.  Put him down for a nap and told my in-laws I was going to take a shower (had an appointment at the midwife scheduled for later in the day). 

So it's, like, 10 a.m. at that point and by 10:30-10:45, I was having pretty intense, regular contractions and starting to panic.  Part of me--Irealize now, it was the part that still believes NM and nasty FOO--worried that I was "overreacting," "being hysterical," "making a mountain out of a molehill."  But another part of me realized I was, for all intents and purposes, alone and had to listen to my own body/voice (mildly terrifying). So, in a span of five minutes, I managed to call the midwife and say (albeit a bit too stoically, without enough urgency) that I thought I was in labor and needed to come in early.  Also called my daughter's school and said I'd be picking her up early.  Then asked Dad-in-law to help me put the hospital stuff in the car and drive me.

Anyway... We pick up DD from nursery school at 11, bring her back home, make it to the hospital at five minutes to noon, and DD #2 was born at 12:15 p.m.  A photo finish.  In under the wire.  And I feel things might have gone very differently if I'd hesitated a few minutes more at any given point in the process. 

Poor DH missed the whole thing!  And couldn't make it back from the city until 8 at night.  DD wasborn just as his exam was beginning and I didn't want to call and ruin his concentration!  Had to wait a few hours til I was sure he was finished, and of course he was thrilled/floored.  Not what we'd had planned!

Glad labor was so quick because I had to go through it on my own!  Another thought that terrified me.  Dad in-law was so sweet and out of his element.  He hadn't done this labor thing in thirty years, though I could tell he secretly loved playing such a big role and saving the day!  But quite understandably, he did not want to be in the room while I moaned and pushed.  The midwife was such a lovely, calm, compassionate presence though, let me hug her through a few contractions and then, DD was crying in my arms.

DD is so loving, and has such quiet strength.  She's such a nice spirit and seems like such an old soul.  And I can't help but think she's gonna challenge me.  Already, she's made me change so much, made me have to be so much stronger and more certain in my choices.  Her big sis and brother are in love with her, and immediately welcomed her into their gang.  DD wants to tuck her in and marvel at how cute she is.  DS points at her and giggles, brings her toys.

FOO drama still there, but has taken a far seat in my mind.  Really, I've kicked NM and her sidekicks out at the curb.  With three kids under four, I have a long drive ahead of me, so to speak, and too many other little passengers/travel companions.  Fend for yourselves FOO!  Figure out your own journey/bad trips on your own!

There were a few hours when I was alone in the hospital with newborn DD, after D-in-law had gone home, when the tiniest inner voice said, "Should I call my family?"  But a much stronger one answered back, "No. Not now.  I'd much rather share the news with people who can celebrate with me."  I called my aunt and uncle instead.  I rested, cuddled DD and enjoyed feeling happy on my own.

I emailed FOO a photo last night, and invited them to come this weekend or next (while the in-laws are here and just so I could get their visit out of the way and enjoy Xmas without feeling anxious and stressed about it all).  And, most predictably, NM wrote back the most superficial/brief "congratulations" followed by an accusation/attempt to pick a fight.  Oh, and after everything she's put me through, did not respond to the invitation at all:

Congratulations!  She's beautiful and looks just like you!  Plus she came early enough to get situated before Christmas - you'll all be a well- oiled machine by then.

I am a little disappointed, however, that you chose to inform us by email.  I understand that you were delivering a baby, but DH or his parents could have phoned.  I only checked my email by chance tonight after a long day at work.

Mom

I'm not surprised.  I'm not upset.  I feel nothing and don't want to waste even a second of thought on FOO's mental illness and obvious attempts to bring us down (even typing this is wasting minutes that are better spent bonding, resting, celebrating).  This seems like a very appropriate ending to our relationship.

[lighter]

So our new baby is here! 

Congratulations! and I want all the numbers! 

How big?

How long?

Does she have a fuzzy little head like my girls, or was she born with hair, and is it straight standing right up, or curly little locks..... what color?

I guess your NM did exactly what you'd expect, so no surprised there, so no need to get upset......

that is.....

unless you were expecting her to do better?

At some point, and if she's to remain in your life, you grow a sense of humor about it, joke to her face in ways that whoosh right over her head, and know this is it.....

no expectations, no dissapointments going forward.

Ahhhhh..... I smell fresh cut Christmas Tree, and it makes me glad your dd arrived in time to be a part of your celebrations.

I can't tell you how much fun it was to read about your FIL being at the hospital, a strong and steady...... a comforting presense for you.

There's a small mean spot that might enjoy your mother's face when she hear's the retelling of that story, even though it makes me feel a wee bit small: /

::sigh:: 

Eh, back to that new baby smell, and snuggling in with a newborn....

welcome dd: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Oh Kay, I am so happy for you and your family and a big, big welcome to your beautiful little girl.  May you have a happy and prosperous time this Christmas and enjoy every second that you can together.  Well done xx

[Butterfly]

Congratulations, Kay!!  How wonderful!!  What a great story!!  I am so happy for you that labor went quickly and smoothly, that you had someone with you who was sane and comforting, and that you are snuggling a sweet wee one.  Enjoy every minute. 

I nearly choked when I read your NM's email to you.  I, too, received a similar message about how I chose to inform my own NM after giving birth.  Of course, my method (a voicemail  message) did not satisfy her and she, too, was "disappointed that I did not inform her properly."  whatever that might have been, don't know, don't care, love my kids . . .

I hope you enjoy this wonderful season with your new little one and that those who love you stay close and comforting!

All the best,
Butterfly

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kay Zee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

I bet the newest baby is a CUTIE!!!!!!!!!!

As for the N's......on your behalf......I flip them the bird!     They're dumb turkeys anyway!

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Hi again Kay,

I woke up thinking about you this morning - or more specifically, thinking about your mum's email.  It just rang a bell with me - nothing was ever right.  It didn't matter what I did, how I did it, I would always get it wrong in her eyes.  Boy, when I think of the knots I used to tie myself in trying to make her happy!

So I thought I would mention my thoughts on this - you have probably already thought the same:

1  Ignore the nastiness - no response to it at all.  You informed her of the birth - she sent congratulations - that's good.  You issued an invitation - which she ignored.  You've done your bit.  Ignore it now.  If they come to visit - as per your invite - great - anything else - ignore.

2  I also wondered, as your in-laws seem nice, each time you get a bit of crazy from your lot, maybe call or email them, not to complain or moan, just to say hi and get a bit of normal to re-balance you?  Moan on here, vent, offload, scream, shout, cry, whatever you need to.  You know we get it.  And just gradually push the crazies away with a dose of normality each time they infringe.  Imagine a great, big, fluggy doughnut around you, your DH, your kids and your in-laws and a big sign on the top that says "Keep out".

Congratulations again xxx

[Hopalong]

KZ, congratulations!

This precious baby is a lucky one, since YOU are her Mom.

I'm so glad it went well, but jeez -- 20 minutes after getting to the hospital? Lord above!

And how lovely about your father in law...you will be closer to him always after this.
What a delight for him. Sorry you didn't have your hubby there but in a way, how
wonderful that he was off doing something for all of you, that will be a good thing.

4 under 4. Holy moly.

MUCH love and joy to all of you, in your own little Nativity scene...

Rest as much as you can, enjoy the babe...

lots of love,
Hops

[teartracks]

KayZee,

What a joy to get the announcement about the baby and the account of the hour just before her birth.  Congratulations to you, DH and baby girl.   

Blessings and peace for you and yours,

tt

[KayZee]

Thanks Lighter!  Let’s see, she was...

6 pounds, 14 ounces (my biggest baby yet)

Can’t remember how long!  I need to go back and look it up in her records.  I was so relieved after the speed of it all and still so shocked that I was alone but or F-in-law that I dazed through so many crucial stats!  I remember the midwife asking if I wanted to cut the umbilical chord, but I was just so exhausted, I asked her to do it instead.

At the moment, she has slate-colored eyes the softest downy hair (quite a bit) and it looks pretty dark.  Which is a stark contrast to DD and DS who are very blonde and blue-eyed like my DH’s side of the family.  People tend to think I’m the brunette nanny.

I can honestly, 100 percent say NM acted exactly as I expected her to.  No matter what I did, how I told her, etc. it would have been the “wrong” way and NM would have attacked and punished me for it.  So no big deal there.

I’m so glad FIL was there too!  Looking back, if it had been MIL, I think I might have brought too much expectation to the table (or the delivery room, as it were).  I might have been tempted to look at her TOO much like a surrogate mother and hoped she’d make up for all this NM-grief.  But FIL was just so sweet and clueless!  He wandered in to the room while I was pushing, then quickly (thankfully) ran out, saying, “I don’t need to see this.”  All in all, a pretty funny birth story.

Tupp, thank you!  So nice to have you and the rest of the board to gush to.  I find it so hard, in real life, to celebrate and let the joy out.  I always expect to be punished or taken down a notch.  Residual NM garbage.  Need to find some way to break the association and reset. 

I’m so thankful for that advice about touching base with the in-laws when FOO acts up and everything seems miserable.  They know the score.  NM was so horrible to DH when we first got married.  They see the really weird way my family behaves and I’ve talked about it a bit with MIL and her niece over the past year.  MIL has an alcoholic N-sister that she and my cousin-in-law had to go NC with.  They can both relate, which is an incredible relief.  As I get closer and closer to the in-laws, the harder it is to hide my FOO’s dysfunction.  They’ve been really supportive, and I’m beginning to feel more comfortable leaning on them during the N-insanity.  I used to worry that they’d think I was crazy and toxic because FOO is, but that anxiety is letting up.

Butterfly, I’m so sorry your NM did the same.  I feel a lot like you did.  Not gonna let it get to me.  NM would be “offended” no matter what I did, what choices I made.  She’s tried to stir up drama at every birth (and on any big day); she never misses an opportunity to try to make it about her.  As a new mom you deserved better.  I’d like to think I do too.  But I’m really inspired by your strength.  I’m glad to know you got through it.  Hopefully, I can too.

Thank you, Bones!  Dumb turkeys they are!  And actually, I think turkeys are just as vicious as FOO!  (Watched some great documentary long ago called My Life as a Turkey.)  I think DD is very cute.  But I’m totally biased!

Thank you so much TT and Hops for all your support and advice in these past couple of months.  Hops, you’re my assertiveness guru, and I promise I’ll return the karma someday.  Just logging onto the board makes me feel so much stronger and saner.

[KayZee]

So having just typed that last reply, I wish I could end on that good note.  But I feel I've made a mess of it again, and have let myself down.  I let my boundaries get trampled.  I set myself up for attack.  When attacked, I got emotional to the wrong person.  I got sucked into the FOO family drama (again).   I screwed up, basically.  I screwed up bad.

So after NM ignored the invitation to see the baby (fine, and a relief really), my Dad said he was going to drive up today for a couple of hours to see the new baby and drop off those legendary "too-big" x-mas presents. 

*As a side note: the presents are really, aggressively mammoth.  Like, ten huge bags worth of stuff.  Some marked from "Santa" in those giant trash-bag sized sacks.  Shoved it in the storage room (it makes me sick to look at).  There are even some addressed to me, which I might Goodwill without opening.

Anyway...I thought it was good news that Dad was coming alone.  I thought, fine, he'd get to see the new baby and there's no way he'd start anything on his own (without NM there) and with my in-laws there (FOO cares so much about keeping up appearances).  Well, I was totally wrong.  Dad pretty much ignored me, but then, in the rare instances when we were alone together, he would come at me with things it seemed like NM had asked him to say.  Alone in the living room, he said, "Your mother and I would like to Skype with the children every week."  Then, right at the end of the visit, he cornered me in the kitchen when I was alone, put a rather aggressive arm around my shoulder and says, "What's with the blocked phone calls?"

I was not prepared.  I should have prepared!  I should have written down and practiced something I could have said if he did something like this--something I could have recited and then made a quick escape back to DH and the in-laws.  I did the absolutely WORST thing!  I confided EVERY feeling and motivation.  I said, I just needed a month or two break because I couldn't take the bullying from NM.  He said, why block my number then?  And I said, because you act just like her and gang up on me too, and I don't expect more from NM but it just devastates me when it comes from you.  I called NM mentally ill and N (Dad insisted "she isn't").  I cried and said I wouldn't accept headgames, scapegoating, abuse.  I said believe me, I wouldn't choose not to have a mother or a family if I didn't feel it was the only course of action.  Dad recited all this stuff about how "he holds NM in his arms while she cried about how she wants to repair our relationship").  I said, it's not reparable; NM and I HAVE NEVER had a normal, loving, mother-daughter relationship.  I said I needed a break.  I did not have the energy for all the drama, and yet there I was engaging in the drama!  I screamed how dare Dad come at me like that when I KNEW for a fact that he'd been in the same position I'm in, he'd been abused by her too.

Dad stood there dead-eyed the whole time.  And it wasn't until he left that I realized he hadn't said one thing that was empathetic during the conversation (I'd always thought he was capable of empathy, but I'm wrong).  He wasn't affected by anything I was saying.  He showed no concern or emotion at all.  It was like he had a checklist of things NM had instructed him to say and he just went down the list, ticking them off.  Anytime I talked about how I felt, he disregarded it and told me how NM feels. 

If any of my children ever came to me saying the things I told him, I would hold them in my arms and tell them I was so sorry they were hurting.  But Dad just did this robot-thing.  He had a hardness in his eyes.  Then DH wandered in, and Dad pretended as though nothing was wrong.  He just started asking DH about some kitchen gadget we have (a baby food ice cube tray, through out the whole conversation I was trying to make DS dinner). DH said it was the weirdest thing he'd ever experienced.  The way Dad just switched off the conversation/confrontation and pretended everything was fine, while I was sobbing over DS' spaghetti.

Dad then went to the car, and DH followed him and had a talk.  DH told my Dad that he didn't want NM or Dad to contact us for at least six months.  It was the first time DH has ever gotten involved.  And I feel so guilty, sorry and embarrassed about it.  Some tiny sane voice in my head knows I shouldn't.  It says, "After months of this shit, Dad came into my home five days after I gave birth and had a go at me."  But I can't help feeling responsible for my Dad's behavior.  I should have maintained NC, even with the baby's birth and all.  There just felt like no winning.  Like, no matter how many holes I plugged, FOO was going to find some way to burrow in after birth regardless.

I'm really worried too about what's going to happen next.  I can't imagine FOO accepting six months.  Even while Dad was here, he was pushing really hard to know where DD's new school is.  DH said he's going to take in a picture of NM and Dad and warn DD's teachers not to let her go off with them should they turn up.  I've been meaning to do it for months, but I'm just so embarrassed.  Still, I think it's necessary, what with the way Dad was talking.  And DH and I both remember the way NM threatened to snatch my niece from daycare.

Aaagh.  I am in a tailspin.  But I suppose today was another wake-up.  Can't rely on/confide in Dad.  Dad and NM are the same.  Need to start grieving relationship I've never had/will never have with him too.

[Hopalong]

This is brilliant:

DH said he's going to take in a picture of NM and Dad and warn DD's teachers not to let her go off with them should they turn up.  I've been meaning to do it for months, but I'm just so embarrassed.  Still, I think it's necessary, what with the way Dad was talking.  And DH and I both remember the way NM threatened to snatch my niece from daycare.

This is so wise. It may never be necessary but it is absolutely the RIGHT thing to do!

And I am so sorry you have the grief over your scrap of a dream about a scrap of empathy from your Dad. I am so sorry.

But I want to say this too: You DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG WHATSOEVER WHEN YOUR DAD WAS THERE.
You behaved like a human being with human wants and needs, and you ARE STILL going to be able to set, draw, and HOLD the boundaries you need to hold. That event in the kitchen doesn't contradict this capability of yours one bit.

You were real, and present, and it didn't produce an outcome you might have wished for. But all you did was behave with integrity and honesty. You acted like a natural human being and there is no punishment if you skip the SELF-punishment. They really don't have any more power over you.

If the long-term result has to be tougher boundaries with your family, both your parents and your sister, well that's the outcome.

But don't add it to a list of things to be mad at yourself for. You did nothing wrong at all.

Enjoy that sublime baby, let each of your children fill your heart with love and knowledge that you have a famlly, and your DH sounds like a wonderful person. It is terrific that he asserted himself with your father and stood up for YOU, repeating YOUR boundary to him. BRAVO.

love and EMPATHY,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Kay, it's early and I'm skimming mail so will write more later, but honestly - you did the right thing.  You were real, you poured your heart out, you were honest, you have feelings.  You did what any sane, rational, healthy human being would do.  You love your family, despite everything, you've tried over and over again to make things better and your reward is this ambush just after you've had a baby.  Hooray for DH!  I'm so glad he stood up for you on this and had a word.  Will write more later but you've handled this like any loving mother would. xx

[lighter]

Kay:

I think you needed to tell your father how you really feel.

Just for your own process...... to lay it out there, and know he

had

the

chance

to be appropriate, but couldn't.

Now you know.... he can't.

He never will.

He's broken, like your mother is broken, and they'll never be able to do better.

That's a very hard thing to come to grips with, but IMO you had to have that conversation standing there, crying over spagetti to understand that.

Don't feel bad you let your dad in...... your IL's and husband were there.  NM wasn't.  How bad could it have been, right?

Well, now you know.

That knowing leads to putting proper boundaries in place, and your husband was on top of it, putting them in place, and bless his soul I think he did a smashing job of getting things started.  Not only stating a boundary he understands will be challenged, but thinking about plugging holes proactively.   He's on board, and it's good to have him on your side  Don't feel guilty.  Embrace it, feel fortified, and stay focused on what's important...... you, your family and that new baby.

Don't feel guilty......... he's your partner, and he loves you..... wants to protect you, and sometimes there are things we need protection from.

This is one of those things, Kay.

It's going to be OK.

ps  Now is the time to stick to that thoughtful NC for 6 month rule.  Embrace your husband's stand on this, and enforce it together for your family's sake, not just yours.