My mum is ill

[JustKathy]

OH... and I think that under the circumstances, it's probably healthy for you to wish your mom wasn't around anymore.

I think so too. It just takes time to accept that it's okay for us to wish them gone. I believe the reason we struggle with feelings of guilt for having those thoughts is because we're .... normal! We have normal, functioning human brains. We have the basic human instinct to care for and nurture others, so we feel that there's something wrong with us when we wish that our NM's would die. What we have to remember is that we aren't wishing death on some random person. We aren't plotting murder. Only someone with a defective brain would do that. We simply want their lives to end naturally so that we may be released from our own suffering, suffering that they inflicted on us. It also doesn't help that society tells us that we're to love our parents unconditionally. Only another victim of an NM can truly understand. Thank goodness we have boards like this one where we can meet others in the same situation. A few decades ago, that wouldn't have been possible. So at least we have that.

I also wanted to tell you that I, too, have a very difficult time saying no, probably because I was raised to put NM before myself, always. I was not allowed to assert myself or say no to anything. I was taught to be weak. Things that we are taught as children stay with us, and we really have to work hard to learn how to change those behaviours. I would guess that most children of Ns have a very difficult time asserting themselves. I had to learn to be tougher when I got a job in management, and I felt guilty every time I had to reprimand someone. I was being paid to do what my mother would punish me for. Who wouldn't be confused in a case like that? Trying to unlearn what they drilled into our brains is very difficult. It's like trying to learn to write with the other hand. It doesn't feel natural. It CAN be done, but it takes a lot of work.

Ehhhh .... it sucks. 

[Hopalong]

I understand.
I yearned for it to be over, too.

It was so hard to sort out what was the difference between:
--wishing for it to "be over" so I could experience my own life again, my own hopes -- and
--wishing her harm

I didn't wish her harm.
I didn't want her to die.

I just wanted relief.

I get it.

love,
Hops

[JustKathy]

You said it a lot better than I could have. Yes, that's it, exactly.

[Twoapenny]

I think I've felt that if I'm someone's 'friend' then I have to be available at all times, whenever it suits them, for whatever reason, otherwise I don't have a right to ask for a favour or to pay them a visit to say hi and spend some time with them.

Now, did you really hear what you said here? LOL... this is IT. This is what N-moms think relationships are all about: having us available to them at all times, for whatever reason... and since they claim control of us... we don't have the right to ask for a favour or anything else... unless THEIR NEEDS are satisfied FIRST.

That was perfectly said.

I still struggle with this too, btw. It gets better, but it's so deep down and (subtly) instinctive the only way I know to "edit" the reflex response - is with present moment awareness... combined with a quick "meeting" with my prim and disapproving inner scheduling director and wild-child whims.

OH... and I think that under the circumstances, it's probably healthy for you to wish your mom wasn't around anymore. Understandably, you want it all to STOP. The trick is, I think, to completely remove the power of "the mom" in your mind... just mentally go through taking back your own power and making her powerless -- and if there's anger lingering around looking for a target, just have a teenaged, total melt-down anger fantasy. This is almost a physically painful part of separating oneself from an "enmeshed" type of relationship... but a very healthy step along the way to just being you and making it all "stop".

Man, I'm for real, stealing that description of relationships... it was that perfect!! 

How funny, I thought I was over reacting or reading too much into it but you feel exactly the same?

I sort of feel like I don't want to see anyone at the moment.  I'm finding all of my 'friends' annoying and selfish.  I've been seeing a few health care people, because I've been feeling so ill, and they keep asking about friends, support, people to babysit and so on and I feel guilty when I say no, there isn't anyone (that's not strictly true, I have one friend who will babysit).  I just have so little energy at the moment, I'm finding it hard to do anything more than get through the day.

[Twoapenny]

I understand.
I yearned for it to be over, too.

It was so hard to sort out what was the difference between:
--wishing for it to "be over" so I could experience my own life again, my own hopes -- and
--wishing her harm

I didn't wish her harm.
I didn't want her to die.

I just wanted relief.

I get it.

love,
Hops

That's probably it, I just want the endless thinking and what next and why am I so bad to stop.  I felt so ashamed that my first thought when I read 'Your mother has serious heart problems' was 'good', followed by 'I'm amazed they found she had one'.

I've been going through the almost 200 pages detailing the false accusations she's made against me and the proof I collected that showed she was lying and what hit me yesterday - and I don't know why it never struck me before - is that it's the most effort she ever put into my life.  If I wrote down all the nice things she did I'd struggle to fill a side of A4, and some of those things would be things that I think are just basic requirements of being a parent, like cooking meals and washing.

No input at any age - no emotional guidance, no playing, no help with homework, no chats about boys or make up or music, just mockery and criticism and barbed praise (you read that so nicely, why can't you speak like that all the time?).  But when I threatened her warped version of reality and started talking about the abuse she pulled out the guns and worked her arse off.  I guess that's what it means, you're there for them and them alone.  You just don't matter.

[Twoapenny]

OH... and I think that under the circumstances, it's probably healthy for you to wish your mom wasn't around anymore.

I think so too. It just takes time to accept that it's okay for us to wish them gone. I believe the reason we struggle with feelings of guilt for having those thoughts is because we're .... normal! We have normal, functioning human brains. We have the basic human instinct to care for and nurture others, so we feel that there's something wrong with us when we wish that our NM's would die. What we have to remember is that we aren't wishing death on some random person. We aren't plotting murder. Only someone with a defective brain would do that. We simply want their lives to end naturally so that we may be released from our own suffering, suffering that they inflicted on us. It also doesn't help that society tells us that we're to love our parents unconditionally. Only another victim of an NM can truly understand. Thank goodness we have boards like this one where we can meet others in the same situation. A few decades ago, that wouldn't have been possible. So at least we have that.

I also wanted to tell you that I, too, have a very difficult time saying no, probably because I was raised to put NM before myself, always. I was not allowed to assert myself or say no to anything. I was taught to be weak. Things that we are taught as children stay with us, and we really have to work hard to learn how to change those behaviours. I would guess that most children of Ns have a very difficult time asserting themselves. I had to learn to be tougher when I got a job in management, and I felt guilty every time I had to reprimand someone. I was being paid to do what my mother would punish me for. Who wouldn't be confused in a case like that? Trying to unlearn what they drilled into our brains is very difficult. It's like trying to learn to write with the other hand. It doesn't feel natural. It CAN be done, but it takes a lot of work.

Ehhhh .... it sucks. 

I think weak is a good way to describe it, I feel like I have no personality of my own?  I'm always defined by other people, what they want, what they need, not by who I am or what I enjoy.  People keep asking me what I enjoy and in all honesty it's just comfort - a big, squishy sofa, a film and some chocolate, a comfy bed, a cup of tea and a good book, a hot bath and lots of bubbles.  It's comfort and security, not people or activities.  I go for acupuncture and the lady asked me this week what I used to enjoy doing before I had my son.  The only honest answer I could give her was things that were self-destructive and numbed me out - smoking, drinking, taking drugs.  I've never really done 'things' I enjoy, I just do things that make how I feel more bearable.  That just feels so wrong and such a disgusting thing to say - life has been so bad that the only way I endure it is to smooth it out in some way?  Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop fighting it and go to the doc and let him pump me full of enough pharmeceuticals that I just don't care anymore.

[BonesMS]

OH... and I think that under the circumstances, it's probably healthy for you to wish your mom wasn't around anymore.

I think so too. It just takes time to accept that it's okay for us to wish them gone. I believe the reason we struggle with feelings of guilt for having those thoughts is because we're .... normal! We have normal, functioning human brains. We have the basic human instinct to care for and nurture others, so we feel that there's something wrong with us when we wish that our NM's would die. What we have to remember is that we aren't wishing death on some random person. We aren't plotting murder. Only someone with a defective brain would do that. We simply want their lives to end naturally so that we may be released from our own suffering, suffering that they inflicted on us. It also doesn't help that society tells us that we're to love our parents unconditionally. Only another victim of an NM can truly understand. Thank goodness we have boards like this one where we can meet others in the same situation. A few decades ago, that wouldn't have been possible. So at least we have that.

I also wanted to tell you that I, too, have a very difficult time saying no, probably because I was raised to put NM before myself, always. I was not allowed to assert myself or say no to anything. I was taught to be weak. Things that we are taught as children stay with us, and we really have to work hard to learn how to change those behaviours. I would guess that most children of Ns have a very difficult time asserting themselves. I had to learn to be tougher when I got a job in management, and I felt guilty every time I had to reprimand someone. I was being paid to do what my mother would punish me for. Who wouldn't be confused in a case like that? Trying to unlearn what they drilled into our brains is very difficult. It's like trying to learn to write with the other hand. It doesn't feel natural. It CAN be done, but it takes a lot of work.

Ehhhh .... it sucks. 

I think weak is a good way to describe it, I feel like I have no personality of my own?  I'm always defined by other people, what they want, what they need, not by who I am or what I enjoy.  People keep asking me what I enjoy and in all honesty it's just comfort - a big, squishy sofa, a film and some chocolate, a comfy bed, a cup of tea and a good book, a hot bath and lots of bubbles.  It's comfort and security, not people or activities.  I go for acupuncture and the lady asked me this week what I used to enjoy doing before I had my son.  The only honest answer I could give her was things that were self-destructive and numbed me out - smoking, drinking, taking drugs.  I've never really done 'things' I enjoy, I just do things that make how I feel more bearable.  That just feels so wrong and such a disgusting thing to say - life has been so bad that the only way I endure it is to smooth it out in some way?  Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop fighting it and go to the doc and let him pump me full of enough pharmaceuticals that I just don't care anymore.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hear what you're saying and I can say that you are not alone! When I was younger, the only way I knew how to get through each day was to be self-destructive and numb out on legal and illegal drugs plus alcohol.  I finally hit bottom on March 16, 1985 when I realized I wanted to live more than I wanted to die.  When I was talking to a counselor, one day, regarding the sexual abuse I had endured at the hands of Womb-Donor and her pedophile boyfriend, it suddenly hit me what I was drinking at drugging at......why I was self-medicating.  Once that clarity hit my brain cells, the cravings for alcohol and drugs evaporated.  That's when the healing started.

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Bonesie,

That's probably similar to what's happened to me.  I remember sitting in a car smoking weed after a particularly heavy night out - all sorts of drugs - and thinking "there must be more to life than this".  And that was a long time ago now, the booze took a lot longer to get rid of completely - probably another ten years and, like you, I don't crave either of those things now.  But I sort of don't crave anything else either?  I feel an almost constant sense of just getting through the day and being kept sane by simple pleasures like a film or a book and some chocolate.  I find interacting with people tiring and, a lot of the time, boring?  I don't think that's normal?  It's different online, the face to face stuff isn't there, it doesn't feel like you have to think about anything other than what you are saying, particularly when it's in an anonymous way like this (I know a lot of us know each other well online but in the real world we could walk past each other in the street and not have a clue).  So forums I can cope with, I like to read, I have a whole wonderful life inside my head of how I'd like it to be and what I imagine 'life' should or could be like, but the reality is I've done the housework this morning, we'll go and do some shopping after lunch, I'll log on again after dinner and then I'll watch a film after my son has gone to bed.  I can't even think of anyone I'd like to see or speak to, or anything I'd really like to do?  I seem to have fallen in love with my pyjamas!  They're very cute and snuggly

(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Maybe one small commitment per week, Tupp, that would work against social isolation.
Or even every two weeks. Just an hour or two each time.

Something that takes you into positive contact with others.
But not something that adds big stress to your schedule.
Something that might take effort to go do, but not so much effort that you can't start the habit.

I think it'd be good for you. As a hedge against long-term isolation.

Meanwhile, any time you wanna talk about relationships w/pyjamas...YES!


Hops

[Twoapenny]

Maybe one small commitment per week, Tupp, that would work against social isolation.
Or even every two weeks. Just an hour or two each time.

Something that takes you into positive contact with others.
But not something that adds big stress to your schedule.
Something that might take effort to go do, but not so much effort that you can't start the habit.

I think it'd be good for you. As a hedge against long-term isolation.

Meanwhile, any time you wanna talk about relationships w/pyjamas...YES!


Hops

Thanks, Hopsie, I like that suggestion very much and think it's a good one to work with.  As for the PJs - mine are calling to me right now!  Sleep tight xxx

[BonesMS]

Thanks, Bonesie,

That's probably similar to what's happened to me.  I remember sitting in a car smoking weed after a particularly heavy night out - all sorts of drugs - and thinking "there must be more to life than this".  And that was a long time ago now, the booze took a lot longer to get rid of completely - probably another ten years and, like you, I don't crave either of those things now.  But I sort of don't crave anything else either?  I feel an almost constant sense of just getting through the day and being kept sane by simple pleasures like a film or a book and some chocolate.  I find interacting with people tiring and, a lot of the time, boring?  I don't think that's normal?  It's different online, the face to face stuff isn't there, it doesn't feel like you have to think about anything other than what you are saying, particularly when it's in an anonymous way like this (I know a lot of us know each other well online but in the real world we could walk past each other in the street and not have a clue).  So forums I can cope with, I like to read, I have a whole wonderful life inside my head of how I'd like it to be and what I imagine 'life' should or could be like, but the reality is I've done the housework this morning, we'll go and do some shopping after lunch, I'll log on again after dinner and then I'll watch a film after my son has gone to bed.  I can't even think of anyone I'd like to see or speak to, or anything I'd really like to do?  I seem to have fallen in love with my pyjamas!  They're very cute and snuggly

(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can relate to that.  Not having a professional, who gets it, to talk to makes things difficult on my side of the Pond.

What I've started to do is some creative writing based on my imagination within the Star Trek Universe.  I'm not planning on sharing it at this time....just writing for my own entertainment.

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Bonesie,

That's probably similar to what's happened to me.  I remember sitting in a car smoking weed after a particularly heavy night out - all sorts of drugs - and thinking "there must be more to life than this".  And that was a long time ago now, the booze took a lot longer to get rid of completely - probably another ten years and, like you, I don't crave either of those things now.  But I sort of don't crave anything else either?  I feel an almost constant sense of just getting through the day and being kept sane by simple pleasures like a film or a book and some chocolate.  I find interacting with people tiring and, a lot of the time, boring?  I don't think that's normal?  It's different online, the face to face stuff isn't there, it doesn't feel like you have to think about anything other than what you are saying, particularly when it's in an anonymous way like this (I know a lot of us know each other well online but in the real world we could walk past each other in the street and not have a clue).  So forums I can cope with, I like to read, I have a whole wonderful life inside my head of how I'd like it to be and what I imagine 'life' should or could be like, but the reality is I've done the housework this morning, we'll go and do some shopping after lunch, I'll log on again after dinner and then I'll watch a film after my son has gone to bed.  I can't even think of anyone I'd like to see or speak to, or anything I'd really like to do?  I seem to have fallen in love with my pyjamas!  They're very cute and snuggly

(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can relate to that.  Not having a professional, who gets it, to talk to makes things difficult on my side of the Pond.

What I've started to do is some creative writing based on my imagination within the Star Trek Universe.  I'm not planning on sharing it at this time....just writing for my own entertainment.

I think that's it, it's not being able to talk to people who understand - not just about the big things like this, but about other aspects of my life - my son's disability, being lonely, finding it hard to trust people, finding TV boring, not caring who wins X Factor - big things and small things.  Sometimes I try and open up and I'm met with blank looks or silences - or those complete change of topics that people do when they really haven't a clue what to say next.

I love the idea of creative writing.  I find I never finish anything - I feel incredibly enthusiastic for a couple of days and do loads and then leave it.  I like the sound od something within Star Trek, though, I think it's nice to be writing just for your own sake without the pressure of trying to get it published or asking others to read it - just something for you to enjoy for yourself and not have to share

((((((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

Well, yes... I felt the same re: my purpose in life; my reason for being was to "be there" for others 24/7. And I felt that "who I was" would even morph into what it was someone else wanted to be... and that if I failed; well... I guess there are different levels of toxic shame.

I didn't DARE be or dream or like something that was "just for me" either. That was simply "bad" when it conflicted with "the plan" set out for me by NM. It "hurt" her too, when one of the things on the list - that I was supposed to be - was something SHE really wished she could do, and lo and behold, I could do it better. And then, she would ruin it for me, one way or another, with her jealousy and envy.

So me, I simply shrank myself down as small, un-noticeable (but still eagerly hoping to serve & please) as I could possibly be. I was able to not have needs - the normal human needs of a healthy connection to others, my own autonomy, a confident belief in my ability to do things and succeed at them. The only thing I "liked" - that was "approved" - that I stood up for myself was my art/creative stuff. And it served me well for a long time - as a way for me to express that crouched, hiding, feeling like I didn't deserve to breathe... "me" - without using those hurtful words. All the things I liked, that were like my Dad (mechanical things; competitive things) were verboten... unless I wanted to be "bad" just like him.

SIGH. I had to learn to give myself permission to do those things, even. And I'm still working on it when I have the energy; when I don't I hibernate. What I still have trouble with is recognizing when I have a real need; and engaging with others or directly asking to have that need met. I still have that huge discrepency on my emotional balance sheet: I've taken care of X number of people for so long... when is it going to be my turn? Can't people SEE... doesn't anyone KNOW... that I am in need: of a hug, some silly laughter or good times, knowing someone is there for me -- who's looking out for me? I'll be blunt: I get damn TIRED... trying to do/be "all that" for others and because the feelings and needs don't come out of my mouth as words (because of the taboo - I might offend, or "hurt" someone which is code for evoke their abuse at a more intense level)... well, the "normals" really don't know; aren't aware of the agony I'm in or that I'm about to collapse into a weepy, wimpering blob of abandonment. I had to LEARN and MASTER the ability to not telegraph my feelings to protect myself. I am extremely good at this now -- and it's a problem. Go figure.

For me to express a true emotionally charged feeling or to state a need -- was to wake up the "momster"... stealing attention away from HER feelings, HER entitlement, HER needs... and trust me, the way I was dealt with, only made me feel worse.

A lot of what I did in T, involved getting it through my thick head that I didn't have to "play by those rules" anymore. That I was allowed, entitled to the human nutrients that come from healthy relationships - connection, autonomy and competence. I did have to overcome my reluctance -- and extreme awkwardness -- about learning to ask to have my needs met.

Still a major work in progress -- but there IS progress. Just like you! Look how far you've come. So, it's your turn to need to be taken care of... OK. You're allowed. I said so.

[BonesMS]

Thanks, Bonesie,

That's probably similar to what's happened to me.  I remember sitting in a car smoking weed after a particularly heavy night out - all sorts of drugs - and thinking "there must be more to life than this".  And that was a long time ago now, the booze took a lot longer to get rid of completely - probably another ten years and, like you, I don't crave either of those things now.  But I sort of don't crave anything else either?  I feel an almost constant sense of just getting through the day and being kept sane by simple pleasures like a film or a book and some chocolate.  I find interacting with people tiring and, a lot of the time, boring?  I don't think that's normal?  It's different online, the face to face stuff isn't there, it doesn't feel like you have to think about anything other than what you are saying, particularly when it's in an anonymous way like this (I know a lot of us know each other well online but in the real world we could walk past each other in the street and not have a clue).  So forums I can cope with, I like to read, I have a whole wonderful life inside my head of how I'd like it to be and what I imagine 'life' should or could be like, but the reality is I've done the housework this morning, we'll go and do some shopping after lunch, I'll log on again after dinner and then I'll watch a film after my son has gone to bed.  I can't even think of anyone I'd like to see or speak to, or anything I'd really like to do?  I seem to have fallen in love with my pyjamas!  They're very cute and snuggly

(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can relate to that.  Not having a professional, who gets it, to talk to makes things difficult on my side of the Pond.

What I've started to do is some creative writing based on my imagination within the Star Trek Universe.  I'm not planning on sharing it at this time....just writing for my own entertainment.

I think that's it, it's not being able to talk to people who understand - not just about the big things like this, but about other aspects of my life - my son's disability, being lonely, finding it hard to trust people, finding TV boring, not caring who wins X Factor - big things and small things.  Sometimes I try and open up and I'm met with blank looks or silences - or those complete change of topics that people do when they really haven't a clue what to say next.

I love the idea of creative writing.  I find I never finish anything - I feel incredibly enthusiastic for a couple of days and do loads and then leave it.  I like the sound od something within Star Trek, though, I think it's nice to be writing just for your own sake without the pressure of trying to get it published or asking others to read it - just something for you to enjoy for yourself and not have to share

((((((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, (((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))).

I have to admit, that I am lonely because no one around here GETS it.

With creative writing, the beauty of it is that I can write at my own pace.....let the story percolate for awhile, then go back to it when my imagination starts thinking of more details to add.  I started writing my story back in June 2012 and just started dumping my issues into it.....it feels therapeutic.  I don't know if there is any such thing as therapeutic creative writing.

BTW, I borrowed a FUN idea from Tribbles author, David Gerrold.....WRITERS REVENGE!!!  Include your enemy in the story and treat them like a RED SHIRT or any way that feels right to you!!!!  You could set your phaser on heavy stun or vaporize the !@#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Well, yes... I felt the same re: my purpose in life; my reason for being was to "be there" for others 24/7. And I felt that "who I was" would even morph into what it was someone else wanted to be... and that if I failed; well... I guess there are different levels of toxic shame.

I didn't DARE be or dream or like something that was "just for me" either. That was simply "bad" when it conflicted with "the plan" set out for me by NM. It "hurt" her too, when one of the things on the list - that I was supposed to be - was something SHE really wished she could do, and lo and behold, I could do it better. And then, she would ruin it for me, one way or another, with her jealousy and envy.

So me, I simply shrank myself down as small, un-noticeable (but still eagerly hoping to serve & please) as I could possibly be. I was able to not have needs - the normal human needs of a healthy connection to others, my own autonomy, a confident belief in my ability to do things and succeed at them. The only thing I "liked" - that was "approved" - that I stood up for myself was my art/creative stuff. And it served me well for a long time - as a way for me to express that crouched, hiding, feeling like I didn't deserve to breathe... "me" - without using those hurtful words. All the things I liked, that were like my Dad (mechanical things; competitive things) were verboten... unless I wanted to be "bad" just like him.

SIGH. I had to learn to give myself permission to do those things, even. And I'm still working on it when I have the energy; when I don't I hibernate. What I still have trouble with is recognizing when I have a real need; and engaging with others or directly asking to have that need met. I still have that huge discrepency on my emotional balance sheet: I've taken care of X number of people for so long... when is it going to be my turn? Can't people SEE... doesn't anyone KNOW... that I am in need: of a hug, some silly laughter or good times, knowing someone is there for me -- who's looking out for me? I'll be blunt: I get damn TIRED... trying to do/be "all that" for others and because the feelings and needs don't come out of my mouth as words (because of the taboo - I might offend, or "hurt" someone which is code for evoke their abuse at a more intense level)... well, the "normals" really don't know; aren't aware of the agony I'm in or that I'm about to collapse into a weepy, wimpering blob of abandonment. I had to LEARN and MASTER the ability to not telegraph my feelings to protect myself. I am extremely good at this now -- and it's a problem. Go figure.

For me to express a true emotionally charged feeling or to state a need -- was to wake up the "momster"... stealing attention away from HER feelings, HER entitlement, HER needs... and trust me, the way I was dealt with, only made me feel worse.

A lot of what I did in T, involved getting it through my thick head that I didn't have to "play by those rules" anymore. That I was allowed, entitled to the human nutrients that come from healthy relationships - connection, autonomy and competence. I did have to overcome my reluctance -- and extreme awkwardness -- about learning to ask to have my needs met.

Still a major work in progress -- but there IS progress. Just like you! Look how far you've come. So, it's your turn to need to be taken care of... OK. You're allowed. I said so.

All of that sounds like you're writing about me, Phoenix!  That's exactly how I feel, I just existed for the benefit of other people and getting them out of my life was a good thing, but I've not replaced the toxicity with much else, yet.  A couple of things I've been thinking about over the weekend are my lack of creative hobbies - even though I've wanted for years to knit, sew, make jewellery, work for myself, travel - I've never really done anything like that.  And I have a terrible anxiety in the mornings about the things that I haven't done and that I should have done - I seem to feel that the house should always be spotless, the jobs all done and sorted out, nothing left on show, meals prepared, everything organised.

What I realised this morning was that my mum was always very admiring of people who could do craft type stuff - it was something she was always terrible at (by her own admission) and something she wanted to be able to do.  I'm wondering if that's why I've never gone down that free spirit, creative road - it would have been 'rubbing her nose in it' (as she would have seen it) and she's always been so critical of my myriad faults re tidiness, organisational skills etc.

As far as the house goes she always ran it like a military operation.  The fridge and freezer were always full (to the point of hoarding, from my perspective), the house was always spotless, jobs were always completed, errands were organised in blocks so that she only went out once a day, saved on petrol, got everything done in one go and so on.

I'm looking around my house and it looks like no-one lives here.  It's bland and drab, there's no colour, there's nothing of my personality in it.  My clothes are the same, I yearn for bright, zingy, crazy clothes that say "look at me!".  But of course I don't wear them.

So.  My options are a well run efficient home, lacking in warmth, love, vitality and acceptance or a colourful world of trial and error, a place to relax, be safe from the world, let in the lovely people and keep out the not so lovely.  I need, need, need to really push against her and let myself out.  The little me inside feels so utterly abandoned and rejected - you're not good enough, Penny - you're a bad, ugly, evil girl and you deserve everything that happens to you.  I'm the only person who can make that better, I'm starting to see that now.