Making New Friends

[Hopalong]

What a great realization about perfectionism, Tupp....
I really relate to that.

I had huge trouble with anxiety for decades and I know that
was one thing that fed it.

If it's a comfort, getting older seems to quench those wildfires
in the mind. And does make socializing easier too.

I'm so glad you're doing what you're doing. Have faith in life
itself. YOU BELONG. You are welcome in the world and life
loves you. That way, any one human doesn't shake you too
much when things go bumpy or smooth.

It's all a big pond and you are WELCOME. There are many fish!

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Hops.

I'd never really thought about the perfection thing before, because my life is so imperfect and I'd always thought that perfectionists got everything right all the time.  I hadn't considered it might mean you don't even try because you know it won't be good enough.  So, yes, I'm just trying to go for it, live it, without thinking, analysing, wondering - just be.

Love Tup xx

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

Well I thought I would update this a little as things are going well

I have been trying to focus my time and attention on meeting and connecting with new people and trying not to focus on people who I've felt obliged to be around.

I am finding it much easier to just let people go.  I was ill for a really long time earlier in the year (months) and it was quite serious at times.  I was really shocked at how few people offered to help out or even rang to see how I was.  But I think it was what I needed; I've felt able to say to myself that people who don't ring, don't return your calls for months and who aren't willing to make any concessions to make it easier for you to get together aren't friends, they're just people that you know.  I had a lot of people like that in my life and it made me feel bad about myself and worthless.

So I've stopped phoning those people and concentrated on building friendships with new people.  There are a couple of women in particular that I've been meeting with once a week and I love those get togethers:  they're nice ladies I have a lot in common with and we have a good laugh and enjoy each other's company.  I've got a birthday coming up and I've invited people that I don't know well but would like to know better.  The idea really scares me and I'm nervous about it but I want to try and welcome some new people into my life.

There are other people that I usually feel obliged to invite to things but I haven't to this.  I usually worry about how they will feel if they aren't invited, but this time I've decided to invite only those people I see or speak to regularly and not people who only seem to turn up when there's a night out on the cards!  I've only been brave enough to tell one person this (when they were asking why they hadn't been invited) and they didn't have anything to say on the matter.  I keep thinking about that thing that Hopsie posted - if they can walk away from you, let them go.

It's getting easier!  I'm feeling happier, more relaxed, more confident.  So it's all moving in the right direction

[Hopalong]

I am SO impressed. Wowsers, kudos and brava!

And thank you for this:

people who don't ring, don't return your calls for months and who aren't willing to make any concessions to make it easier for you to get together aren't friends, they're just people that you know

That is exactly what I need to be thinking about, in dealing with some hurt over one friend who's not available these days.
She and I initially bonded over our Nmothers, and I thought it would be a big "sisterhood" thing long-term, but I don't think
she's really interested in sustaining our relationship. I was interesting to her initially, but now she's more involved with her
mother (necessarily, as she's old) and has also been going through other personal stuff (lap-band surgery and aftermath)
that may make staying in touch just not a priority. She's also very introverted, but I've kind of stopped buying that, as
she would literally use it as an explanation every time. I have other introvert friends who call every week or two, so
months of silence for that reason ... just doesn't feel true. I think she's lost interest in me, doesn't feel like saying so
and I should let her walk. I'm over my limit of doing all the initiating with her, so I'm letting that go too.

I made one little inner rule: When I next see her and she says Oh we must catch up and get together...I plan to say
something like: If you really mean it, let's set a date now . If when we get home our calendars don't jive, we can move it.
If she evades that, then I'll know it's completely insincere.

Makes me sad. More sad than with general to-and-fro people. I think that's because the issues we connected on were
so deep, early, and difficult. So old bruises have been twanging.

But. I don't need her love or approval to have love and approval in my life!

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Oh Hopsie, that is exactly the situation I have found myself in over and over again!  There have been a number of 'close' relationships, just as you describe - people I've bonded with over shared problems that I've felt a very sisterly attachment to, who I've spent a lot of time with and really opened up with - then suddenly the relationship changes and my calls aren't returned, contact isn't initiated, if we meet up it's me that does the arranging, driving etc.

I think those sort of relationships have developed with me for a number of reasons.  The relief of being around someone who 'gets' it is huge.  That very close sisterly feel is lovely when you don't have family (or when the family you have are very toxic).  And something I realised over time was that I had such a need to be 'liked' and 'popular' that I didn't pay any attention to the quality of the relationship, as long as there was contact.  I think the whole scooping up/rescueing thing and then being abandoned again has been a common theme in my life and I think it mirrors my early years - my mum adores babies but gets bored when they get older.  I've often felt that I was probably spoilt rotten as a tiny one and then dumped when my sister came along.  I've had a lot of friends like that - they call and want to meet up regularly when they have a void to fill but the friendship dwindles as their life improves.  Maybe that's the co-dependent in me as well?

I understand the sadness!  I've shed so many tears over people I've thought were part of my life who don't feel the same way about me   But it was a sign I needed healthier relationships.  Hope your bruises twang a little less each day.  xx

[Meh]

I haven't been able to read through this whole thread yet but I want to. I identify with the very first post where you said that people tend to select you rather than you deciding who you want to select as friends. Putting more purpose into friendship building sounds like a good idea to me.

A random quote: "The truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to decide who is worth the pain".... not sure if it's true or not, just felt like putting a quote somewhere

[Twoapenny]

I haven't been able to read through this whole thread yet but I want to. I identify with the very first post where you said that people tend to select you rather than you deciding who you want to select as friends. Putting more purpose into friendship building sounds like a good idea to me.

A random quote: "The truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to decide who is worth the pain".... not sure if it's true or not, just felt like putting a quote somewhere

Hi Green,

It was something that I realised, that I was very passive when it came to friendships.  I wondered if it was the reason that people seemed to be very into me for a time and then dropped me - almost like I was serving a purpose rather than being part of a friendship.  So I have tried to cultivate getting to know people now, just spending a bit more time with people who are on my wavelength and taking it as it is.  I've initiated get togethers which I find really hard - I worry about rejection, I worry that people feel obliged to say yes and don't really want to be there and I worry that I'm boring/pushy/needy etc.  But those are all old things that I need to get rid of and stop worrying about so I am trying!  Even though it felt uncomfortable at the start it is getting easier now

That quote you mention is interesting, although I hope not everyone hurts!  But I do feel I've needed to decide who is worth my time, my energy, my soul, in a way?  That does sound quite egotistical which I don't mean it too but I realised that a lot of people took up my time and just left me feeling tired/bored/or just wishing I'd done something practical with that time so I could relax in the evening rather than spending an afternoon with someone I didn't want to and then having to spend the evening doing the stuff I should have done in the afternoon!  Silly the things we put ourselves through sometimes.  HOpe you're doing okay xx

[lighter]

Oh, Tupp:

Kudos to not calling those people who didn't check on you when you were ill.

One of the ways we KNOW who are friends are......

they're the ones who feed us.

Yes, with food, but also with their time, and care.

It's time you were less passive about friendships, and more selective/focused on the relationships you want in your life going forward.

I say.....

yes: )

::sending cyber gluten free cookies, with a beautiful gluten free lasagna/meat free if you choose::

Light

[Twoapenny]

Ah, Lighter, the gluten free goodies are gratefully received   Bless you.

I think I've felt for so long that I've no right to expect anything from anyone that in the past I've disregarded my feelings of disappointment and sadness when people haven't done much (anything) and told myself I'm being silly.  But I just feel stronger, somehow, and I can see that, yes, constant demands are draining and too much but that, not just a friend but any decent human being ought to offer to help someone in a difficult situation if they can.  And the prospect of admitting to myself that I really had very few friends (which to me signifies that I am unlikeable and unworthy of someone's friendship) was a real toughie.  Plus I had to face up to my role in it - I still find that the hardest thing to do in any situation - but for years I have failed to set boundaries, I've not been honest about my feelings and I've put up with all sorts in friendships rather than being alone.  And I still struggle a bit with all of it but it's getting better and I really feel I'm heading in the right direction.  And I'm starting to see that the people I'm choosing to form friendships with are good, kind, thoughtful people - I have good taste!  And that's not something I thought about before.

I think it's one of the things that amazes me about this board and others like it.  You have people who have been through such terrible experiences but they are kind, loving and giving and willing to share their time and experience with complete strangers, whilst people like Dr G set up and run boards like this for no reason other than to help people.  There is so much good out there, I suppose it's just a question of thinking enough of yourself to think that nothing less will do?

[lighter]

I'm paraphrasing here, but the saying that comes to mind is.....

"People accept the love they believe they deserve."


I think most of us are in similar boats as you Tupp.

Most of us have boundary work to do. 

Most of us need to become aware of the decisions we're making so we can determine to make mindful (different) choices in our lives, or continue getting what we've been getting.

I'm with you.....

I want something else, though I'm not entirely sure what "something else" will be.

I've only determined what it won't be, which is a good place to start: )

::nodding::

Light

[Twoapenny]

Exactly, Lighter, I think at least if you know what you don't want you can start looking around for something else.  I think also that as many of us have never known anything else it's hard to know what we do want as we've no experience of it.  And when you're in that odd situation where someone being nice to you actually feels uncomfortable, or you assume that whatever comes your way it will be conditional or have a sting in its tail it's no wonder we don't know what to do.

Here's to moving forward and welcoming good people into our lives

[Meh]

Well, I guess we also don't know how relationships are going to turn out years down the road. Looking back we may be able to see it, though when it begins who knows right...  It often feels to me like most adults are busy with their family/children/spouse and friendship really is an after though, as if it's less significant than it was in high school. Lots of people also make friends easily wherever they go. A co-worker of mine was very friendly with me at work, would eat lunch with me etc. Though I sent her an email because we exchanged e-mails and she never did reply. She doesn't work there anymore luckily for her she moved on to something better I am sure. But for her it was more of a work-place alliance then any other kind of friendship. Since she doesn't work their anymore my purpose is null.

[Twoapenny]

Well, I guess we also don't know how relationships are going to turn out years down the road. Looking back we may be able to see it, though when it begins who knows right...  It often feels to me like most adults are busy with their family/children/spouse and friendship really is an after though, as if it's less significant than it was in high school. Lots of people also make friends easily wherever they go. A co-worker of mine was very friendly with me at work, would eat lunch with me etc. Though I sent her an email because we exchanged e-mails and she never did reply. She doesn't work there anymore luckily for her she moved on to something better I am sure. But for her it was more of a work-place alliance then any other kind of friendship. Since she doesn't work their anymore my purpose is null.

Hey Green, yep, that sort of thing has happened to me over and over again.  It's what I'm trying to avoid now but it's difficult, you don't want to be suspicious of people?!  I think I'm trying to sound people out more now, so for example I was meeting with some mums at our kids swimming lesson - just circumstantial, as we were all there anyway.  I suggested meeting an hour earlier for coffee and we do that now, but again it's not an effort for anyone because we're all there anyway, so I've tried out meeting up over the holidays and that's working out really well.  Situations I've been in in the past would have been me leaving a message or suggesting a get together, for example, and no-one getting back to me on it, then after the holiday saying 'oh I was too busy' but then wanting to chat because you're in the same place and it's better than them sitting alone.  So I'm glad with the way things are working out at the moment, although I still find it odd that I have to think about making friends with people and getting to know them, it seems strange that something that I'd always thought happened naturally needs work 

I've also noticed a difference in my two groups of friends (or people I know) in what I think of as my before and after periods of 'sorting myself out'.  I'm organising a little bash this coming weekend for my birthday, a summer get together in the park, all very relaxed and informal.  The 'before sorting myself out' people have on the whole either turned their nose up or not replied to my invite.  The 'after sorting myself out people' have generally all replied straight away and are really up for it.  It's quite interesting to see how different people respond to the same situation.

[Hopalong]

What fascinates me about that friend I was talking about, is that nearly every time I reach a point of really letting her go, internally, she reaches out again. Just happened!

I am no longer angry. But I feel a new distance and my hope is that when we do get together, I'll do a lot more observing of my core self. What am I reacting to? What offers, gestures, signals is she giving me that previously made me lose track of my healthy balance, and boundaries?

She wrote an email: "I miss you...and want to meet your sweet dog..." and wanted to get together "soon."

I am pretty busy for the next week or so so picked a date later in the month.

I don't want to discard her, or to escalate my internal struggle into focusing on judging and blaming. But I do want to see her through fresh eyes. And I'm grateful for this thread, Tupp, because it's giving me a sense of strength in approaching this particular friendship. I need to not re-enact my old sock-monkey-with-Nmother stuff, and I believe that's exactly what had been happening in that relationship.

Remains to be seen if it can be re-created as a reciprocal relationship. Probably not. More likely it'll be present intermittently as a much more superficial relationship than will really be interesting to me. I think that's what's most likely. And that's okay, because she's part of my church extended famiily. So my job is to be at peace with loss and disappointment, let it evolve into a different form, and especially, not confuse it with original wouNds.

Thanks for sharing on all this.

And Lighter, thank you for the "friends are people who FEED you...with their time and care" observation. So simple and clear.

love to all-
Hops

[Twoapenny]

What fascinates me about that friend I was talking about, is that nearly every time I reach a point of really letting her go, internally, she reaches out again. Just happened!

I am no longer angry. But I feel a new distance and my hope is that when we do get together, I'll do a lot more observing of my core self. What am I reacting to? What offers, gestures, signals is she giving me that previously made me lose track of my healthy balance, and boundaries?

She wrote an email: "I miss you...and want to meet your sweet dog..." and wanted to get together "soon."

I am pretty busy for the next week or so so picked a date later in the month.

I don't want to discard her, or to escalate my internal struggle into focusing on judging and blaming. But I do want to see her through fresh eyes. And I'm grateful for this thread, Tupp, because it's giving me a sense of strength in approaching this particular friendship. I need to not re-enact my old sock-monkey-with-Nmother stuff, and I believe that's exactly what had been happening in that relationship.

Remains to be seen if it can be re-created as a reciprocal relationship. Probably not. More likely it'll be present intermittently as a much more superficial relationship than will really be interesting to me. I think that's what's most likely. And that's okay, because she's part of my church extended famiily. So my job is to be at peace with loss and disappointment, let it evolve into a different form, and especially, not confuse it with original wouNds.

Thanks for sharing on all this.

And Lighter, thank you for the "friends are people who FEED you...with their time and care" observation. So simple and clear.

love to all-
Hops

Hi Hopsie,

Yes, I have a friend who is very like that!  it reminds me of that book A fine Romance, you know when she talks about the Switch?  When one pulls away the other comes closer again.  I don't know if that applies to friendships as well but it's what keeps popping into my head when that situation comes up.  But I think a friendship under new terms can be a good thing, I'm starting to see that some friendships that were once close aren't any more but can quite happily be coffee twice a year type friendships if you know what I mean?  And I can completely relate to what you say about observing yourself in these situations, what you react to, how you respond and so on.  I've a feeling with some friends I'm a bit like a comfy old coat that they don't wear that often but don't want to do without just in case.  I suppose the question is what we need from our friendships and I guess we need less from some than from others?  I'm really glad you've found the thread helpful; I find this board just so good for helping me sift through what's going on in my head and it feels so safe, I feel that even if I say something stupid no-one judges me and that's very special