Becoming "me"

[Meh]

Delightfully lost as I only come here randomly these days. ("high-level, expedited, turd-polishing").

Drinking coffee and reading now...... Grok    .... continues drinking coffee  

I want to see a picture of the cabin

Maybe people know what they want, have an internal compass but are sort of fearful to admit to what they want because they might not get it? Or maybe humans have too many wants and needs that really are ever changing in our over-whelmed minds. Who knows.

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe people know what they want, have an internal compass but are sort of fearful to admit to what they want because they might not get it?

This is spot-on, Garbanzo. Worth doing one of those free-association, deeper mind meditations on too. There might be a lot more involved with that.

Yes, Hops - there is a very physical aspect to life for me, and it's not "violence" per se. Being "in my body" immediately starts to balance the emotional/intellectual tension for me. And I'm constantly needing to be reminded of that - sometimes more forcefully physically than others. And that's where it shows up in my language. Think of the zen master smacking the student in his head with a staff. Or digging up new garden beds.

As for mercy and compassion... well... I can't say for sure what happened - except that I outlined the strange overlaps between my old stuff, and the very real emotional experiences I'm going through now. There's no need for the level of dramatic detail I used to write about all that. It's as simple as saying that emotionally - one experience reminds me of another one - in how it FEELS. They are two entirely different experiences, outcomes different, etc. Just enough similar aspects to go rummaging through the collection of neural pathways... and the brain deciding that "Experience #872,903,171" is the closest it can find to match the new one.

There's sort of a glitch in the "new experience" processor - can't just "let it be"; something totally brand-new emotionally, because that's like being totally adrift at sea with no sight of land, or infinitely falling through space, or something. THAT is sheer terror for me. No points of reference, no idea what the sense-data is telling me (total dissonance; dissociation) and whether or not it's real... and that's when the "I" doesn't really matter at all. Things have to have some relation to other things or experiences for me - a continuity of time/space/experience - and if that means I'm "controlling", well - that's why.

[Hopalong]

Makes a lot of sense to me, PR.

For me, fear and pain can be counter-intuitively "comfort zones." I know what hurts, what causes anxiety...because those general pathways are so well worn. At times, self-compassion feels like a voyage mid-Pacific on a battered board, with sharks. It's not "natural" -- but when that grace falls and a soft shore appears, however temporarily, boy it does feel good. It's sure not habitual, though. I just want to make it that way. (Always preach what I myself need.)

Reminds me of the "fear of success" concept, enough to wonder if there's even, in folks like me with long-term anxiety/depression cycles..."fear of peace" or "fear of happiness." Sometimes I wonder if my fears of things not working out are actually the opposite. Do I know how to imagine or bring into being a life that does work out? The parts of it I can control, I mean? (Rationally, I think I do know how. But I'm also yanked around by my emotional history, and for me, hope and calm take a lot of practice. They're not default.)

What will make the rest of my life meaningful and satisfying, I believe, is how I remove the logjams that appear in between me and that self-compassion, mercy, and peace.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I completely "get" that bit about negative states being the "comfort zone". It's shifted some for me, over the years... so I recognize it more as what it is, instead of claiming it as "me". It sure isn't perfected, and something major like Mike... well, damn it it's okay that I'm vulnerable to those old patterns again right now. Just because until I see them... I can't do anything about them.

I think the whole "new experience" experience is fraught with knowing that old cause & effect loop I lived with my mom. I kept trying... and achieving... and it didn't get any recognition of the accomplishment. Or, conversely, she'd claim the credit for herself. So I stopped trying; screw it; it didn't matter what I did... she just was too self-involved to care... unless I made myself off-limits to her. (heh, heh, heh....)

[Somewhere along the way, I DID learn how to try something, work at it, to satisfy myself. I still forget to give myself credit, sometimes. Or I minimize the effort, thinking... well, I just have a knack for it. This is still something I need to consciously, intentionally work on.]

All these different adjustments are moving at the same time. Sometimes, the choreography doesn't go that smoothly and there are clanks and bumps in the gears as things are sometimes just a tad out of time with each other. I don't have to be afraid of this either... just back off and give myself some slack. Which is how I translate self-compassion for myself.

Thankfully, I have a plethora of movies and books to completely lose myself in when I'm just "over" looking at, feeling, being... in my own predicament. I've been escaping into those places ever since I learned to read at 4 or 5. By 7 or 8, I was hiding under the covers with a book and a flashlight, and a transister FM radio with ear piece. I've rediscovered one of those places recently.

There's a series on cable tv: Outlander. I had read the whole series of books back when I left hubby #2 and was transitioning to the new relationship with Mike. A woman from the 1940s time travels through a standing stone, back to the 1700s in Scotland... and is involved with the love of her life then. There's political intrigue of course. And men in kilts.  With REALLY strong legs.     I don't read a lot of romantic novels... but this one really grabbed me. So that almost 20 years later, it's serving to help me redefine my "normal" again. And for the life of me, I'm afraid I have a weakness for the prototypical Scotsman... there are several relationships in my past. Mike also; but he wasn't that physical type at all.

Rambling. I was so tired after a few hours work outside yesterday in the growing humidity & heat that I went to bed early, made coffee at 5:30... didn't go get my first cup until 7:30... and here I sit, babbling. Guess it was time for a break. I get my hair cut today... and all the local gossip, too. I picked up a new lipstick last time (not that I've worn it yet)... I'm still trying to convince myself that I should learn to wear makeup, but it seems like long past the time that it even matters. LOL.

[sKePTiKal]

Random updates...

I start the first year of anniversary dates this month. We discovered and bought the cabin last July. In August, we made our first trip up for keys and to "claim" it with our own rituals - Mike was so tired he slept most of the time and I think that was the last long drive he drove.

I see them having more than one quality. Of course, there will be the twinge. (And I'm still dealing with all his "stuff") But I also think I might finally figure out how to "let go"...while celebrating all the good - with no need to dress it up and pretend it was "perfect".

I have someone riding herd on me about the necessary tasks of the estate tax return. So, no more "I really don't want to look at that again, because I just don't want to - so there" - type procrastination. I've run across my professional hat somewhere in this process and it still fits - and THIS TIME, all that persona/skill is being put to my benefit. I still have to keep telling myself the tax return details are a one-time thing. It is NOT the new 16-ton anvil that I must drag around in my new life. Do it this one time... and then I'm past it... and I'll be that much more Free to feel OK about making future decisions.

The need for validation (specifically from men) I mentioned in Tupps' thread is a big deal right now. I'm working through it a little at a time. For me, it's the anti-Kryptonite of Nmom invalidation (which is STILL ongoing, mind you... sigh... without asking, she is insisting on sending me a "box"; pictures and such. OH well, I have a lot of other stuff going bye-bye around here... unpack, inspect, add to the pile). It's kind of making my male friendships a little prickly... so it's better I work on that self-validation in "splendid isolation", as much as I can stand it.

So, penpal is travelling cross-country. I'm not even sure how long - but it will be several more weeks yet given his destinations and the miles involved. I got a message that he'd arrived at his first stop; I told him I'd catch up when he got back - so I can concentrate on the damn "LIST" - and so far so good. That email account might bounce by then... LOL. (That would be mean and dishonest; but it is tempting.)

This buys me some time to really think about if I even want some kind of connection like this. My D keeps pushing me to meet people face to face -- as if that's a sure-fire way to be able to tell who's honest, kind & for real versus online friends. I know she must have that big circle of people; I've never needed or had it. Doesn't make me anti-social... it's just that I am putting myself first, still; and being with other people involves that "making space" for someone else; that trade of energy... and I see myself as still being pretty needy rather than being full enough to have extra to share.

Well, the first house I was looking at (closer to the cabin) is under contract. But I've found another. Today is contact the realtor day, along with a couple of other things on the list. I think the cabin is going in the direction of being a complete and total retreat... a monk's hideaway. And all the people I've dealt with there have been absolutely wonderful, so far. The new place is located close enough to where I used to live to be able to pick up some things I enjoyed from my former "life" again... for my kids to make a quick visit... and be able to see my friends. And it looks ideally suited for me to re-acquaint myself with a lot of creative skills - and explore some new ones. And it's still really private.

But I don't want to jinx that one so that's all I'm sharing for the time being. I'm so tired of being pulled in so many different directions - business, paperwork, what I want to do - what friends & family THINK I should do... blech. It all amounts to "too much stuff". Just like eating too much makes your stomach hurt and constipates you... too much life "stuff" does the same to the spirit. Sifu says: to learn something new, first you must empty your cup.

[lighter]

Hear hear, Amber.

To all the above....here's to emptying out cups so we may fill them with what we want.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

So, knowing people are waiting on ME to provide them what they need to further help me get to the point, where I'm free of the legal, financial end of dealing with Mike's passing is a terrific motivator to get my butt in gear. It's BUSY around here lately.

Yes, the list still includes specific "taking care of me" things too.

And something new - and potentially fruitful - has popped up re: Twiggy's saga that I'm writing my way through sporadically. It "feels" like "finishing touches"... but of course, we know that's rarely the case. Still, it could be.

I know how unconventional my "hermiting" instinct is to a lot of people; and I really don't believe that I don't need to visit with and feel connected to people at all. But there is something really cleansing about this time; like a detox fast the body -- only for emotions and mind. And it doesn't get all cluttered up with other people's reactions to me, or what I'm feeling or thinking. I simply do not have the patience to other people's "stuff" right now... while I'm sorting out mine in a pretty intense and active fashion.

But, a lot of the process of settling things involves a lot of other people as well... so maybe it's "settling" now; reaching a new balance?

I dunno. Sometimes I think I'm just along for the ride on what my experience is... because try as I might, there's no predicting or "managing" or "controlling some the emotional reactions that bowl me over. Being as solitary as I am, it's way easier to just let that run it's course... be what it is... and hold on until it subsides. It always subsides.

I was so looking forward to the season finale of "Outlander" - a historical drama/love story that's been around since before Mike & I were really together. I was reading the novels then. But that finale deals so much with love & loss... and I guess I didn't have my "empath" shields up. That threw me way into the deep end of emotion all over again and it's taken days for it to calm down completely -- but I've been back to business & functional a lot quicker.

I seriously think that dealing with all his affairs & stuff -- and dragging this process out too long -- is one thing that keeps that wound fresh. I'm determined to finish up by the end of the year, now. And the house here is one of those things. We both wanted to live at the beach... but this particular property was his idea of HOW to live at the beach... and well, without him here, I don't feel particularly connected to the place.

So, I'm headed back "home"... but not quite. I'm going to look at an appropriate place about an hour away and across the state line. Better tax situation; more rural... closer to the cabin - but also the small city I know so well, along with the people in it. I think anyway. I still have to see the property. And see if I can work them down from the asking price, which just seems high for the area.

Oh, and I figured out where I put my "professional" hat... it still fits.

[lighter]

Amber:

I never felt you were particularly attached to the beach house, for what it's worth... not from reading your posts.

The upkeep and maintenance seemed to be a burden AND it made you somewhat dependent on people you didn't feel particularly safe around..... I'm all for your selling it, renting it out Airbnb maybe? or renting it to full timers?  Still... PITA if you keep it, and I like the idea of you breezing between the cabin, a nice little cozy place you feel grounded in and your daughters.

Maybe the house you're looking at needs to sit a bit before the price is right.... maybe they'll take much less... don't ask, don't get.

I'm doing a bit of hermit work myself right now.  It is cleansing.  It is cathartic... at least it is for me.

Good luck with the house hunt,
Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

Fingers, toes, and all hairs crossed that it works out with the house, Amber!
You sound calm, accepting, un-agitated...that is wonderful.

Whatever you've been up to, you've found your balance again, sounds like.

I'm so happy for you.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks. I think I was right about the "weight" of all the "stuff" I have here to personally touch and deal with, being what is in the way of me of moving ahead. It's like a boat anchor keeping chained to my past life.

Seriously busy week last week and I was able to keep going; no emotional whiplash. And by the end of that week, I had something to show for it - I have an auction company very interested in the parts of the biggest collection that simply need "to go" -- they even come here, do all the packaging and take it with them. I'm tickled pink over THAT. But it gets better: the first date I was given for that pickup to happen was end of Sept (which would've been an emotional anniversary and when the worst part of the implant in my tooth takes place). Now they're saying beginning of August.

Business stuff is moving ahead too. And I'm squeezing out time to go look at this property Tuesday. I keep telling myself to keep an open mind - and THEN, I'll let myself second guess myself; LOL. But I think I've already started in on that, wondering: is it too expensive for what I'm able to spend right now? Is it too close to the dreck and "city-attitudes" that I moved AWAY from, going on 7 years ago now? And as I go around getting ready to leave in the morning, I find myself collecting up all the things that I intended to the cabin next trip... so, hmmmmmmm...

So, I've had to make myself promise - cross my heart & hope to die - that a) I won't make an offer on Tues' property unless it totally knocks my socks off and b) I'll ask the realtor for comps in the area before I do make an offer. Unless that area has quietly become another DC-dweller "retreat" area, I just don't see the price being reasonable for that county. Remember, I've lived since 1980 in that general area and while I know there are some million dollar places in those mountains - they're few and far between. And they're also older & dated, for the most part.

The last place, I drug my feet about going to look at - and missed it. This one, I don't want to be in that big of a rush. I do NEED to walk it, take in the sensory data of the place, poke around in non-photogenic spaces... look at maintenance requirements... that kind of thing. And then I'll have a better idea if that's a realistic price or not. And I looked yesterday; nothing new in the location that I'm "stalking".

August is going to be busy too, with the auction people showing up, I will clear out some more space/stuff that can be donated (and they pick up too). And I DO want to get to the cabin again for a few more days. So, I'm probably NOT going to have the mental space to really decide anything for a bit.

It's kinda been 0-90 mph this week. I took yesterday off to just be a slug. I still want a bubble bath; just 'coz.

OH - I had the most enjoyable conversation Friday morning. I had the first time slot for an oil change on my jeep... and I was a little early. So was the other white-haired lady waiting for them to unlock the door. We just started in talking like we were old friends... and since her family's been here on the beach since before paved roads, we were talking about the history and how the place has changed. I've read about it; and seen Mike's family pictures from the 40s forward -- from a true sandbar, no vegetation -- to all these houses, the expansion of the maritime forest, and lots & lots of dune grass...

The funny thing was that we could've been twins - right down to the fact that her cell phone used the same ring tone as mine. And I immediately LIKED her - which almost never happens to me, when I meet people. I remember her first name; but the last has slipped my memory since we just bounced around so many topics. Jeep was done before I was ready to leave - seemed like 10 minutes - but it was almost an hour. It still feels like a strange, fateful meeting of some sort. All good, mind you...

[lighter]

Amber:

I'm hoping you keep in touch with the lady you met.

IMO you'll eventually end up in the right new home situation..... if it hasn't happened yet, then it just wasn't time.  Losing one gives you more information about new potential houses, IME. 

Give us an update on the house you viewed when you get a chance: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Oh hey. Hi there. I've been kinda distracted this week. 

So, well... I put an offer on the new place. NOT overpriced. But I didn't offer full asking either. After 24 hrs of trying to over-analyze and find reasons to talk myself out of it... the only one I came up with was that where the smaller-than-normal county road connects to the state 2-lane, it could potentially be really dangerous to pull into/out of. Seriously: that was the ONLY downside I could find - all of the things I would've done to make a place snug, cozy and as self-reliant as possible already existed here. And of course, the price is significant. But not impossible for me -- and half the value of the beach house. (Also half the expenses...) That makes it financially sane to keep cabin 1, too.

My homesteading group complied with my request to throw 2x4s at my head to make a decision on this. One even asked me to turn around to get the other side - LOL - she lives in WV, too. It's REALLY pretty. First thing that took my breath away were the big bedrock boulders covered in moss & lichens; the forest is younger trees - the result of timbering, I'm sure - and the undergrowth is sparse compared to what I'm used to. Even less than at cabin 1... which feels very open, compared to NC.

There's a pond; plenty of work space - a full studio over the big garage (and more garage under the house. All the major systems use propane and there are windows a plenty so that one would seldom need to even run the lights. Fireplace, woodstove... and a gas fp in the master. Rather than being rustic cabin... it's more a modern post & beam style with industrial touches. About 5 acres open; 5 wooded. So if I choose to tie myself down with critters, I could. Artesian well -- and extensive water conditioning/filtration equipment. It's really PRETTY - but in an unassuming way.

And it's at the end of this gravel road, that only has two other houses - smaller but very well kept places. And still just 1/2 an hour from Winchester. That's where we moved from, when we came down here. The roof is in good shape, but down the road, I'll probably put a standing seam metal one on, to collect rain water. It's big enough that I have room for the kids to come & stay - but they won't be on the road all day to come visit, either. Only a couple hours away. Cabin 1 is only a couple hours away from this place, too...

SO... that lets me have a home-base a lot closer to there, that I can simply move into, as I gradually get that one ready to be a completely off-grid retreat and refuge from modern life. I really feel I want to take my time with that project and think it through a lot better than I've had a chance to, so far.

And it's time to close up the beach chapter in my story. If I need an ocean fix, I'll rent a place for a couple weeks or a month (in the off-season) and eliminate all that expense & overhead & storm risk from my "have-to" list. That will truly be a lot more relaxing and fun - like it used to be - than living here through tourist season. I think Mikey will like the new place, but I do think his ashes are going to end up at the first cabin. That's the one he liked; the new place is more what I had in mind.

And yes, Lighter... it is now time. It wasn't before. I'm learning to pay a lot more attention to that kind of thing and work within it, instead of trying to fight it. Things just seemed to both break loose and start moving... and come together, this week.

WHEE.......     

[lighter]

Well....

::gulp::

you put an offer in!  How exciting... and a little scary too, but it's exciting!

I've oddly enough been spending time in WV, and it is beautiful.  All the trees, and moss as you  say.... and ticks.

::nodding emphatically::

So.

Many.

Ticks.

Please feel free to share details on how long the house has been on the market, and what the realtor says about the sellers and motivation.   I'm fascinated by the idea of going off grid, though I don't know a lot about doing it in an area covered by trees without the ability to utilize solar energy.

Are you thinking Geothermal options?  If not, what are the options?

I'm just so happy for you.  I've been spending time in WV, though likely 3 hours or so away from where you are,  I can just picture what you're describing..... it sounds just perfect, Amber: )  It really is beautiful.

Lighter



 

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, it just came on the market a month ago. I've been checking the online sites frequently for places of interest. Last year's cabin, while surrounded by trees on the side of a gorge that opens up to the south and west, has a large clearing for the home site. This new one, is open for about 5 acres around the house & pond - with some strategically placed shade trees. Still do-able for some solar; say to run the well pump. I'm not a fan of putting photo cells on the roof - so they can be located closer to what they are intended to provide power to.

Yesterday, the realtor called and said there's another offer and sellers are asking for best & highest offer. I'm only $23k below asking and all cash, no contingencies. I'm standing pat; it's a good solid offer and all I'm comfortable with at the moment; it's take it or leave it for the sellers time... and if I'm overbid, I'm at peace with that. The property is over-priced for the county but from what I saw in person it is indeed worth it. Just not sure I want to be "that person", in that area, living in "that house". I want to blend in a little more than that. But imagination is a tricky thing. Especially about places.

5 pm today is the deadline for their decision - so I'm betwixt & between. But the purge and organization MUST go on, whether I am able to move in soon... or not so soon. The heat has been an obstacle for me the past couple weeks, here. Even inside it's hard to have any energy. It's warm up there, too -- but without the 75% or more humidity it's still bearable if you take appropriate measures. The paperwork kind of thing for the tax return & business are stacking up again too... and I have to plough on. Today I'm going to try physical stuff (the purge side of things) to get out of neutral... while waiting for the heat to move on.

The people I've met on my meager handful of times I've spent at cabin 1, have been absolutely wonderful. I get such a good feeling from the folks there and they are so kind and perceptive and helpful - neighborly - it more than makes up for my limited space in the building itself. The LAND is still quite magical; there is a very very strong earth-energy there that needs to be learned. Worked with, instead of fancy-schmanchy ideas forced into and onto the land. (There are serious consequences when people try to do that, I find.) It has it's downsides, too... but it's not like I don't have the experience to cope with those specific ones.

New place is closer to all the crap I left in that small city 6-7 years ago. And since then, it's only gotten worse. But, the site well-hidden enough, off the beaten trai,l that for all intents & purposes that city won't exist. There are 3 mountains between that place & "town". But it's also closer for me to maintain relationships with kids and friends. Trade-offs... almost always have to be made.

So, I'm releasing my expectations and wants to the universe to decide. I think I chose well, to bid on this one... and what happens happens. It will be OK.

[sKePTiKal]

Woo-Hooooo! They accepted my offer. Here I come, new adventures!!

But not for a little while, at any rate. Closing is pushed back till the end of Sept - and I have a big dentist's appt then - because there's a delay for them, to get into their new place. Part of my offer was that I could be flexible on the closing date, because I'm still purging. Haven't packed a single box.

Logistics all TBD for the time being. I've moved so many times, in so many different ways that by now I don't even need a list. But there are going to be some hard choices about keep/let go, still. Still letting a lot of the past - and the shared dream for this place - settle into it's own chapter and giving myself permission to "boldly go where this Amazon has only kinda gone before"... LOL LOL LOL.

And I'm still trying to shake penpal loose. But that's another story and not all bad; just "odd" in an eccentric way. He is all the way up in Alaska for the next couple months, so it's pretty easy to not hear my phone... or be so busy I forgot to check my email.  He is just not the type of guy I'm real comfortable around, so while we're off doing our own things I'm going to just come right out suggest that this will best for both of us. I don't know how anyone can plant and then just walk away for the season... and expect to get anything out of the effort. And he doesn't seem to hear me, when I contrast my being more a home-body with his restless need to travel far & wide.

He keeps saying he wished we'd had more time to get to know each other before I started making plans and laying tracks doing my own thing. Uh-huh. Keep on wishin' buddy. The absolute WORST thing a guy could bring to the table with me - at this point in my life - is wanting to bend me to their plans & wants & wishes and denying me, mine.

The studio at the new place is the space I've dreamed about for 30 years. There are a lot more men out there who would respect that and why it's important to me. I'm not looking for a security blanket anymore; someone to hide behind.

Anyway, gotta boogie... my super nice landscaper is coming over this morning to go over plans for the beach property. Timing could NOT be more perfect.