I didn't want to digress in such a big way on your thread, Hops... and I'm in a reflective, rambling mood this morning. So, I brought my me-me-me crap over here.
I can see where the novelty of being alone can wear off, Hops. Last year this time, hubs was really starting to pull away from me into his own cocoon of fear and misery - and trying to be strong enough to not let me know. So I've been doing this for a year, and have start "noticing" things about it.
We used to joke around, that since he seldom left his tv & couch... I could hurt myself outside and die without him even knowing I needed him. And vice versa. But it didn't turn out that way, because I velcro'd myself to him as much as I could.
The biggest thing I've noticed, is that there is simply no substitute for having people around. I have a pretty solid existence in a handful of places online (but not FB) and these people behind the screen have been my friends and truly supportive through this past year -- just like you all have here, for longer than that. But it's only a substitute for "in person" connection. I really saw the contrast in how I felt, when Mike's brother was here - followed by the carpenter, for a week or so and some other contractors. And it's not that they're fixing things...
it's just whatever energy other people have in themselves; the ability to chat and work through things (problem solving); and knowing they have unique lives that I'm just a minor part of for a chapter of time. That's what I miss when I'm alone again - after I've rested up.
My therapy kind of launched me into being alone - and becoming comfortable that way - for awhile. Moving to a new place just gave me the perfect opportunity to NOT make any new connections, too. But I think I'm starting move back the other direction now - looking for the balance point again - between being a happy hermit and having a "place" that's my own, in a group of friends.
That's something that's just happened since Mike's passing. Sure there were months where I really didn't want anyone around and I was simply letting the hurt & missing him leave my brain & body till it was bearable enough to put my head up, look around, and see what might be next for me. And the BIG thing about this, that I've noticed... is that the inner censor has pretty much vanished.
A lot of that was due to Mike relating how my strongly emotional expressions, or not very politically correct comments affected him. So in social situations, I felt I couldn't really be genuinely me... that I was walking on some eggshells... trying to be whatever this set of criteria for being civilized was. But it always meant I was trying to be someone I wasn't; to fit in and not embarrass him. My D says she experiences the same thing, with her SO. So maybe it's kind of a relationship thing? Where you both kind of create a "public" persona that is close to real & authentic... but isn't so raw.
Without that limiting factor around, I am more often - just being myself and letting the chips fall where they may about what people think. They aren't running away, screaming in terror or horror, shocked that this monster walks among them. LOL. Maybe... because of the specific past abuse, I am simply more sensitive to that kind of... behavior limitation? I don't say what's on my mind to shock anyone or provoke any kind of response... just chucking it out there.
I took one of those FB personality quizzes and my results on "empathy" were higher than average, but my "sensitivity" was almost off the chart. Taking things too personally, feeling overly responsible for other people's feelings... that whole sub-set of "symptoms" that are so common among children of Ns/Abuse. Outwardly, I present a pretty thick hide... but I guess I do chew on things after the fact more than a lot of people do. I have been practicing just letting those things go more quickly, for some time now. So, I don't lay awake nights over this kind of thing anymore - LOL.
I guess humans just sometimes get this wrong, and the actual boundary of being genuine and being cognizant of others and the impression they're making of you while you are genuine... is kind of a moving target. There are times and places, when what other think of you is more important than others, too. Sometimes, being completely totally yourself and honest, isn't the best way to engage in conversations, connections with others or negotiating those boundaries. (Memo to Mr. Trump...)
But I've been too afraid, for too long, to be myself openly with more people outside my "inner circle" relationships... trying to be invisible or quiet or evasive about "who I am" and what those characteristics are that make me - me. Somewhere in all of that there has to be a middle path, that while not always perfect, does allow for being relaxed.
