Well, that's better. I retreated to the cave-like cool in my bedroom for a long time. Just a book to help my eyes close and little soft music to blot out any small noises that would tweak my hypervigilant "early warning system". And my lovey guard cat.
There are a couple things going on, I guess. Buying a house that I can simply move into, makes leaving this place an imminent reality; another "goodbye". There will be mixed feelings about that - many happy memories associated with this place, and the mega-sad one from last fall doesn't overwhelm those. It is just it's own memory; and even that isn't all sad - because it was the fulfillment of what we promised each other.
Next week, there is an auction company coming to catalog, inventory, package and take back with them... 2/3 of a serious collection of Mike's that has some investment value to it. It takes up a LOT of space too. And he was almost as attached to those pieces, as much as he was to me. LOL. I simply don't have the time to manage sales, in a onesy-twosy fashion and the sheer bulk of the collection has been like a mountain standing in my way. This method clears the mountain out of the way and makes both timing and logistics of moving easier. Still: it's something he really cared about and I clearly have memories about when he bought many of those pieces. I'm dragging my feet on doing the first major sort, so what I'm keeping for myself or the girls isn't even part of what they're dealing with. By some quirk of fate, the first date I was given - end of Sept - for pickup turned into beginning of August and that makes for perfect timing to move forward, finally. The auctions won't be for some months yet, but that's OK because everything they take with them, is less I have to pack.
Landscaper showed up yesterday to talk about plans for cleaning up the yard & adding a little something for color out front at the entrance, to replace the palm trees that froze out. We're putting knock out roses on both sides; just a line each of those to divide the (bigger than it looks) space and add some color... without committing a new owner to a defined landscape plan. They'll trim things; clean out the wild grapevines and virginia creeper; and mulch. He thought I was at the cabin, all this time. And he knows the guy who'll end up being my realtor; a friend and someone who knew Mike well. I do like small towns where everyone knows everyone. I ran into his better half at the mailbox last week and gave her a head's up about what I'm doing.
I'm going to have some little things to do inside, too. There's a tiny bit of crown moulding that's needs to be - and never was - put up in the dining room, to just "finish off" an accent wall the previous owner started. There is also miles & miles of white woodwork that needs cleaned up and painted. The outside trim was painted 2 years ago; but it already needs some touchups, where the landscape guys hit a few things. And possibly some grout rework in the master shower. OH... lamps outside & a section of fence stabilized.
At that point, all the things that have been on my "to-do" list since we moved in, will be done. LOL. Time to move! LOL.
I am also asking myself & the universe if Mike's ashes are going with me (to ultimately go to the little, first cabin) or if he's staying here with our used cats and old Raleigh. If it's OK for me to go on to new adventures without him. I realize I can punt on that decision for a little bit. But it doesn't hurt to start asking now. So many losses - along with all the life, lived - here, for me.
Then: there is the strong, dominant conditioned neural pattern that says anything I do FOR myself, that I really WANT to do, and any large decision, in fact, involving large sums of money... MUST BE FRAUGHT with FEAR and negative concerns about whether or not I have clue #1 about "what is best for me". (Excitement quickly turns into apprehension.) Because of some magical algebra that says if anything good happens to me, I've just called down with absolute certainty -- something BAD, as well. Because I'm not allowed to choose for myself; I'm not allowed to want anything (that would be selfish); because I DON'T MATTER.
I am getting really sick and tired and angry about that mental reflex; emotional whiplash. I don't care enough anymore to ask how or why I have the reflex... I simply WANT IT TO STOP. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'm not hurting anyone; I'm not taking from anyone or short-changing them in some cosmic, karmic balance sort of way. I'm just trying to live my life the best way I can for me and am choosing what I know I want for me. That ISN'T BAD, in anyone's value system.
So, I'm here-by putting that reflex on notice. It can BITE ME; KISS MY ASS... because at this point in my life, what I do doesn't affect anyone but ME... and if there is some "further on" impact... to anyone else, I guess they'll just have to live with it, because they've told me in no uncertain terms that they just want me to please myself; suit myself. If that was just lip service, then it's their problem.
The other thing - and the words fell out of my mouth the other night - is that people seem to think I'm "Wonder Woman" and can move large furniture up and down stairs all by myself. That I can be in two places at once, and operate on many multiple levels of topics/thought & energy all at once -- like some insane version of 3-D chess. Uh.... just because I know how to make things happen, doesn't mean I can do all those OTHER things without a football team of nice, well-mannered strong young men. (or some other version, there of...)
OK, there. That's better. That's all I have on the list to vent & bitch about. I'm better now and know just exactly how blessed & fortunate I am, too. But I haven't been able to get a couple of those topics out in the open to clear the air in my head, yet.
Moving on. If I don't get out to the grocery store today, I'll have to fight tourist traffic and crowds tomorrow. And it's still dangerous HOT here. Y'all have a good Friday and weekend... I'm going to be trying to get as much done inside, as possible.
