Becoming "me"

[lighter]

Thanks for the information, Hops.

That's good information.

I do want to say that my dentist takes the Astaxanthin daily, and recommended it after I was having a bit of trouble calming a tooth down after having an amalgam filling replaced. HATED IT.  

This is a "regular" Western dentist, but likely considered a bit "out there" as he doesn't use amalgam fillings, and goes through all the safety filters, and vacuums, and barriers to keep patients from breathing the amalgam dust, and swallowing chunks of the stuff.  He tests ;patients to see which filling material is most compatible with their bio chemistry, hence the name "Biological Dentist."   Completey different than a regular dentist.... and let me warn you... make sure you take something to keep your nose breathing passages open, bc you won't be able to breath through your mouth for close to an hour, IME.  When one of my nose hole closed up during a procedure (allergy season) I thought my throat was closing up.... couldn't breath.  Panic averted, and now I know to be proactive.  

All other supplements are prescribed by an M.d. practicing integrative medicine.  He works off of lab panels, and monitors changes, which have been very good I'm happy to report.

I don't believe in taking supplements without a medical professional monitoring them.  Well..... maybe krill or fish oil, and multi vitamin, and a good pro biotic.... and that new anti inflammatory Astaxanthin; )

Glad to see you up and educating, Hops.

Thanks,
Light

[sKePTiKal]

That doesn't really qualify as a rant, Hops. You kept everything calm and rational and on the level. I do give lessons... LOL.

Lighter, thanks for the reminder about probiotics. Brain not working quite up to par yet. From today's symptoms it's pretty clear that I need the antibiotics to get a "head start" on clearing the infection. I even closed my eyes for an hour - not quite asleep - but not awake either. I'm trying to at least stay up till 9:30, to take the day's last antibiotic before I totally crash.

It was an MD, who recommended the curcumin on another board, for arthritis. He also indicated the dosage. I don't have joint pain, but the flaky crap is back on my hands and they were also swelling. Next step, was my own research. I can see where McCormick might have an interest in selling more tumeric - but we're talking the extracted curcumin, here. They don't claim it cures the common cold, but that's quite a list in that study!    Some of it is supported with other research.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19594223

http://www.mccormickscienceinstitute.com/public/msi/assets/aggarwal_bioandmedicinal.pdf

Just like I do with any new herb or supplement, I take the recommended dose for a week - then take some time off. And note any changes. In a week, the swelling went down in my hands. (With no other reason for it.) Knowing I have a pretty strong placebo response - that's not enough time or relief to convince me yet. And since like Vitamin C, it clears the body quickly, I'm kind of testing whether it needs to be taken consistently, or not, to start the process of reversing certain symptoms.

I'm back on, after being in too much pain to take anything for a few days... and wanting the antibiotic to have plenty of room & time to start clearing the infection.

[lighter]

I am so sorry that happened to you and your tooth, Amber.

At some point I'll have to drug myself to get through the dentist's door, I just know it.  The older I get, the more I dread it.

Curcumin is going on my supp list.  Thanks for providing the study.
::nodding::

Feel better,
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks for that kind-hearted reply, Lighter! (And, blush, I think I take more supplements than you do...)  

And PR, you might wanna know that Spice Hunters was the least-contaminated brand of turmeric in a Consumer Lab test. The supplements are not regulated and 20% of the major brands they tested delivered no more than 15% of the promised amount of the key ingredient...

For anybody who wants to be sure about purity and potency, this is a great resource:
https://www.consumerlab.com/news/turmeric-cucumin-supplements-review/02_16_2011/

Whew.
I am removing my (fake) Dr. Hops hat and returning to couch-potato, major-hypocrite-struggling-to-move-her-fat-ass mode.

xxxxxooooo

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, for the persuasion campaign of getting asses to move, I highly recommend listening to some Sweet Honey in the Rock. They'll probably have you rolling on the floor laughing, trying not to make a puddle, too.    (That can be a private moment, btw -- just you and the music and well, your dog is gonna look at you funny.)

Lighter, I didn't miss your "blechity, blech, blech" warning. Yeah, I know. I've run across a couple like that back in the day, myself. After I drew my boundary as clearly, but gently as I could yesterday - his reply was that he hasn't even attempted to get to know anyone of the female persuasion for a long time (once burned, twice shy) and is just way out of practice. From what I can tell, he hasn't made many online friends, either. Has a big family. (Is that banjo music I hear????? LOL....) And Ann's background check suggestion is beginning to sound better & better...

That could be one explanation for what I'm observing. But then, there's the other kind. And I've been dreaming a lot about my old Nboss lately... and don't consider that a good sign at ALL. Shopping... doesn't always end in buying. Cover all my bases and put my cavalry on "stand by"...

Have to call the dentist this morning; I think my stitches came undone. I am seeing white where I think the closed incision should be and the drainage down my throat at night is also:

blechikity, blech, bleck... gack...

I'm also getting the feeling that right now, until that incision heals and the stitches come out, I don't want to be 300 miles from my dentist. He really IS my friend, right now.

[Hopalong]

Lighter, I want to thank you for "blechity blech blech." Socially acceptable yet really pungent. I love it!

PR, I'm so glad you're not letting yourself either fictionalize or freak out. Have you been reading A Fine Romance or something?

It's such a struggle to collect the information one needs while still remaining open enough to connect if connect you can.

Paranoia doesn't sound necessary but wariness does, and at the same time...it's one hour, one person, one time. That's all you need to think about when you first meet. It really can help lower the pressure, internal or otherwise.

About the babbling. I do that too. Sometimes though, I realize I need to take turns and even sit through some uncomfortable silence while Mr. Rustylungs steps up and talks too. Asking questions and really patiently listening to all of the answer. Asking a few followup questions too.

One more "tip" (from the queen of I-read-this-somewhere) is that first meetings are the BEST time to ask friendly-but-direct questions about someone's vision of their own life in 5 years, or whether they ever want to marry or have kids, or what their plans are for retirement, or ***what their mother was like***, friends, family, health. Not that you can cover all that in detail in a natural way. But as much as you can, ASK more than you ANSWER. Because it's on first meeting that someone is both: not yet committed so not defensive, and more likely to share/reveal who they really are.

It's been astonishing to me how many times I have looked back at Date #1 and realized it was All There. Little signs or even statements that in younger years, I'd have steamed right past because my internal romantic-fiction engine was so powerful.

And I am very sorry about your dental torture. You probably don't wanna watch Marathon Man right now.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL - good advice Hops. I still feel the conditioning about it being rude to ask questions of another person. (Gee thanks mom - just because you're a one-way monologue and don't want to know about other people, doesn't mean I'm that way! So there.   )  I have to consciously work myself up to that, too. There's a fear of the reactionary: it's none of your business and I resent you asking... or it's not your place... etc. I have gotten better about spitting out the words to go with my own feelings, though. It's taken some years - and practice. I just have to work on those questions. I never would've thought to ask about his parents - at our age, I guess I feel it shouldn't be relevant anymore; we should've re-created ourselves outside of influence or abuse - but I think I just proved that assumption wrong, above. LOL.

No, I have enough experience that I could WRITE a book on male-female relationships and interactions. I certainly didn't live under any rocks that way. And with my mom issues, I have had more than the average number of guy friends - real, honest friends, since women terrified me (for good reason). They still do, you know? The amazons here have all been through the fire themselves, and that's a good bonding experience - things we have in common. We peek out from under our suits of armor visors and show ourselves to each other, more than what happens in social situations, face to face. And I'm still imagining the gossip-y whispers out there that go with the raised eyebrows and disapproving looks my direction... blechity blech blech.

But that doesn't mean I'm oblivious to the fact that some men are just bad; evil; and get off on hurting women AND hide it really well. I hope I've encountered most of the types, at one time or another in the past... and can still recognize that now. (Please don't let there me any new ones!)

Maybe it's a sign, that my tooth has been just a literal pain. (I had to go back yesterday because a stitch had popped loose.) The slight fever and wooziness and lack of ambition is postponing that trip and I'm having to just focus on me. Mike crosses my mind - but those feelings are quiet now - in the face of just taking care of myself and getting to the point where it stops hurting and I feel better. I just don't feel it's smart to tempt fate and try to push myself through 2 full days of driving... and since I lost this week, completely... not being at the cabin long enough to accomplish anything significant.

It never hurts to pause, when making transitions. And maybe I'm getting ornery-ier in my "old age". If I have to work that hard for something to work out, then it probably wasn't "meant to be" anyway... and I ignored the signs from the universe about another path or door that I just haven't seen yet.

[Hopalong]

No question you're savvy, you old salt.
Been around the block, kicked the tires.

Everyone's different, and what works for one feels odd to another.

All that works for me, is to hold it all lightly (not indifferently, just with lightness
of heart) and on a first meeting--offer genuine goodwill without intimacy.

Goodwill is what my bulldozer is pushing toward them when we meet.
Intimacy is earned over time. (It's different from chemistry, which is beast sniffing beast...likee! But it can stay under the table.)

Maybe all this will make more sense after your tooth heals.
I'm glad you're giving yourself plenty of permission to do whatever feels okay when it feels that way.

And not before.

Big hug
Hops

[ann3]

Hi Amber,
Sorry you're having dental issues.  Had one myself recently, it also required antibiotics.  So, yes, I agree that until you're outta the woods, your dentist is your best friend, so stay close.

I hope I've encountered most of the types, at one time or another in the past... and can still recognize that now. (Please don't let there me any new ones!)

Gee, I hate to keep sounding like a wet blanket, but... even Dr. Hervey Cleckley was fooled by an S-path.  Here's info on Cleckley https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hervey_M._Cleckley.
I just want you to be safe & happy. 

I'm not a fan of meeting people on line & prefer to meet them IRL because I can lay eyes on 'em & feel their vibe. 
Your current guy is 300 miles away and he may be a great guy, but how about also doing some real life interacting?  Are there any local museums or charities having social events? 
Those things are good cuz you can focus on the museum or charity in case the social scene is disappointing.  They're also good cuz you wind up supporting the museum or charity. 
And Caveat:  No matter where you meet someone (museum, charity, Buckingham Palace, etc), please do a background check before becoming deeply involved.  There are fraudsters & con artists everywhere, but there are also good people, so we gotta separate the wheat from the chaff.

Feel better soon!

[sKePTiKal]

Ann, not a wet blanket - instead, a protector - and that's valuable.

This place needs music. Try this on for size:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9QZRjiZh6pQ

[lighter]

We DO need music: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Nice tune!   

Ann, do you have any suggestions on a cheapo way to do a background check?
(Not that I'm pressing forward with dating right now, but for future ref...)

Amber, you've practically been on a VESMB "Date Lab" (h/t Washington Post) before you find the coffee shop!

xo
Hops

[Hopalong]

And a PS for PR on using a first date to gather as much information as possible (as first dates are when people try hardest to be open in order to connect, and "best behavior" instinctively includes sharing fairly freely to make a bond, etc.)...

IMN-HO, if I can ask just ONE question successfully during a first date, I will bring to the moment my friendliest, most genuinely un-threatening curiosity and calmest center and, knowing in my core that sharing is natural in a healthy system, and that as adults, what is best for us both is being grounded in whatever's real, say:

"What is/was your mother like?"

For me, this is probably the single most important opportunity I'll have to learn how this man feels in his deepest self about women, which will play out usually, in one form or another, in every relationship he has. If I'm seriously present to this moment, in loving and protective relationship with myself, I may have the chance to see:

An instant or even micro:

flash of affection
quick smile
softening of face
laugh
chuckle
opening of hands
nod

frown
shake of head
turn-away of head
hardening of face
glance down at table
freeze
sigh
silence/pause
sudden shift of body

I've not always been smart enough to do this. When I have been, it's always been important/right/key/helpful. It's personally important to me not to judge men who react from the second group. (Exactly how I might react to a sudden reminder of Nmom!) Any more than I would judge a women who described or through these subtle reactions clued me to a difficult or damaging father. If he had a toxic or abusive mother he has my compassion and support as a human being. He was a little boy. But unless he has clearly done intentional work throughout his adulthood to heal this, I will know I won't at this point in my life offer him a decade. Or a second date. My reply afterward will be something like: "I am glad we met. Thank you for the time you gave me and the effort you made to meet. Our conversation was interesting and rewarding for me. I've realized that for me, though, we're not a romantic match. I wish you the very best, and hope you soon find the perfect partner."

(I don't usually offer to "be friends" with someone I sense can't be a romantic possibility, because that means I'll be pouring out the vital connecting energy I truly, in my heart of hearts, want to expend on a potential partner. And if anyone has trouble accepting the "No," boy howdy, they are email and phone blocked right away.)

Being kind but paying close attention and gathering information in my own behalf, has finally become okay with me. It's kind of like what you said about being socialized to feel it's rude or wrong to ask questions. If you are not being cruel or unkind, but acting in your own best interest in a smart and self-protective way, no matter that he may have to process a "No" (with or without difficulty) -- you are doing nothing wrong and not the cause of any pain he may react with. You are modeling healthy choices for yourself, and even indirectly, for him too.

There's dignity in dating this way. And even a sense of greater ease. It's all okay. One date is okay. Five are okay. None are okay. We are okay.

Hugs from the Land of ADD with hyper-focus on writing!
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hi. I've been a turtle lately. Kinda like Hops' not getting out of bed. Dang tooth has thrown me for a loop. Yes, feeling fine physically... had stitches redone on Thurs and pain & swelling continue to abate; I know how to keep myself on a schedule with the antibiotics.

First, the experience of the nitrous was "interesting". Found myself mentally/emotionally seeking "mike" in the universe; somewhere anywhere. Then talked myself out of pursuing that path too far. What happened instead - after the attempt to flip penpal into that spot was tried & found silly - was that I finally settled deeper into me and it was adequate to get me through the surgery, control my natural reaction to react to someone hurting me even more (in order to make me better) and after getting my breathing under control even relax a little bit. Something big shifted during that, about the grieving.

Since I had to go back & have stitches fixed, I just decided it was asking too much of myself to travel - I originally wanted to spend more time there and due to the tooth, couldn't - because I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I wanted to, at the cabin and I wouldn't be getting anything done here, either. Part of me still thinks buying a move-in ready house closer to the cabin, nice as it is... is stretching myself too thin time-wise (can't handle 2 places at once) and I'd much rather pursue this artistic/creative/romantic idea of the cabin and being a woodsperson. Something calling me to that. Think the wizard Radagast - the one with the bunny sled - in Lord of the Rings.

IF I do end up meeting penpal, it is already clear that this is not a date. He's a person, I'm a person... we have histories and a common interest in some things and he seems to be more active pursuing them, than Mike was. Mike was content to watch a lot of things from a distance. I'm getting to know him as a person; a friend; maybe an "adopted" big brother. And he knows this and is just fine with it. The background check stage would get pursued, if I decide there would any type of actual relationship develop. I already have my doubts about the potential there. There are already a lot of things about him that I know just aren't "my type"... so I went silent on him. Took him 2 days to finally ask if I was OK. Yeah, I know it's planting season. How long does it take to type "Are you OK?" and fire it off via email?

So, for me - I'm just backing off. Yes, I did ask him to call me the night after the surgery. I sure needed to hear the sound of someone's voice. And it also gave me some more cues/clues, since he's not offering up information about his temperament, his family (5 kids), or much of anything. I am not about to go swooning into any relationship, care-free, and being emotionally attached to an "idea" of who someone is... versus the reality. And I don't want to mess with someone awkward about relationships, either. It's not rocket science really, when you get right down to it. I really like your Mother question, Hops. It was interesting - in a lot of ways - that he was bold enough to ask if we could correspond out of the blue when we hadn't interacted with each other at all on that forum. That was my first red flag warning, you know? I'm not silly enough to be flattered that he picked me; nor fool enough to think he isn't also pursuing the moderator who also lost her husband recently. It was a nice distraction for me, tho. And it helped me deal with the fact, that yes, maybe at some point I'd be interested in another guy...

but I realized this morning, that during this turtle time, when I'm doing nothing but waiting as patiently as I can for this whole tooth thing to stop being front & center of my existence, that I'm also making excuses to sit here and wait for Mike to come home. And that in this time - a year/two or 5 months - depending on how you figure it, I've been slowly learning to depend on myself for taking care of myself; making decisions that contribute to that; and doing a hell of a lot of things that I was used to believing I "can't" do alone. My dream-future isn't to be a slave to a farm situation, even though I will be growing food and putting it up, and that kind of thing. There is more on my "want to do list" than that. My online big brothers, that I trust a LOT based on our shared experiences and the support I've received (they are wise as Mud) - just like you all - are helping to reinforce my pull back from this penpal situation. It can wait. Maybe a LONG time - LOL.

And while I appreciate my kids' input on my choices, no way I'm going to let that be a big influence on the decision either. I've got a lot of exploring and adventuring to do, I think. And some new things I'm interested in making... and skills to learn. And I'm still sorting all that out right now.

ME, gets sqooshed a lot of times, when there is any movement to an "us". BTDT a few times. Let's just see what me is now, that's been growing like a mushroom under a rock all this time. LOL. That sounds like a lot more fun to me.

[Gaining Strength]

It all makes so much sense.  I love reading about your experience under the gas.  Such a state allows the mind  certain freedom.

I'm thinking of what you wrote to TwoAPenny when I read about your process concerning the cabin.  The process is always important and you seem to honor it well.  In doing so, I believe you will allow your journey to take you in the right direction.