Elder Abuse and ending a friendship

[Ales2]

Last night I made the mistake of not learning from previous lessons. A friend called me to meet up for dinner, which I accepted, even though I had said to myself in the past the friendship was over, she is not a supportive friend and I should let her go. 

As always, she asked about Nmother and I relayed the story about her last visit ending with the police being called by me to take a report of elder abuse.  NMother plays nice, sets up a reason to visit, plays nice some more (making me feel guilty) then ends the evening again with her allegations of elder abuse. Advice from an attorney friend told me how to handle these allegations if they came up again, which I did and the police came rather swiftly and NMother would not give them a report (claims are false and she knows it) and was asked to leave the premises.  making accuations without filing a report can become a form of stalking and harassment.  I no longer allow visits as a result.

So, after relaying that story said friend went into her usual nonsense about how Mom is aging, this is senility or dementia (its not) and I should forgive her so she can have good memories of me if she should die soon (she turns 80 in december). Ive had enough from this friend and her forgiveness nonsense. Forgiving someone who is accusing you of a felony to be nice and allow her to abuse me again, or worse, make false claims and allegations and send me to jail or set me up to lose my job or apartment with criminal charges.  NO WAY.

This friend has to go - she does not seem to realize the severity and possible legal implications of NMothers false claims. Forgiveness does not apply when you have to preserve your rights, your freedom and your sanity.  These allegations are burning bridge that cannot be rebuilt.  Any sane and smart person would run from this kind of toxic behavior. 

Friendship over.

[lighter]

I agree with you 100% Ales.

I don't think there's any room in our lives for people who threaten us with jail time, help others harm us, or minimize the harm/possible harm.

There shouldn't be the first pass given on that one, IMO.

Not one.

Lighter

[Ales2]

Thanks Lighter, I agree. She has made those forgiveness overtures before, what surprised me this time was that with the elder abuse allegations, that her perspective on forgiveness did not change, she minimized the potential risks.  Have to say, she works in insurance home/auto/life. You would think her professional background would be more practical at assessing risk!  LOL!

[ann3]

Hi Ales,
I remember that incident with your NM.  She's crazy like a fox.

I agree about this so called "friend".  She doesn't hear you or listen to your concerns. Yes, she minimizes & negates you & lacks empathy for your situation.  You deserve better. 

[Ales2]

Thanks Ann for your comments and kind words.

She doesn't hear you or listen to your concerns. Yes, she minimizes & negates you & lacks empathy for your situation.  You deserve better. 

Oh, the irony!  This is exactly what NMothers do!   LOL

And, have to add, its not like friends should agree with me all the time, there are times when I can be wrong (obviously, anyone can), but a caring friend shows empathy, listens well and let us know we are being heard, even when we don't agree.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Ales,

I did reply the other day but it seems to have vanished!  Am only echoing other comments, though, for some reason a lot of people think it's okay to put up with abuse from parents and other family members that no-one would think you should take from a partner.  I don't know why that is but it seems to be quite common.  I think a lot of people have trouble understanding how toxic a parent/adult child relationship can be if they aren't in one themselves?  Or even sometimes because they are in one but don't/can't recognise it?  We need supportive friends, don't we, especially when it comes to these very difficult situations in our lives.

[lighter]

For me, talking to people about the PD struggle includes my speaking with only those who have the ability to understand it.  The people who don't get it just don't get it. It's a waste of our time, and sometimes sanity, to try to convince those who don't get it. 
Lighter

[Ales2]

Hi Two - Yes, you are right about people that dont understand the toxic dynamic. This friend is in major denial though. Her father sexually abused both her and her sister. She makes well into six figures and lives in a rental her parents own across from their family home.  If she had not realized that my NMother w

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as toxic before, making false felony accusations might have been changed her view, but it has not.

Hi Lighter - I discovered that a long time ago, people with no experience with PD people just dont get it.  You are totally correct with your observation.  In this one, she was a close friend, but over time its become harder to be friends with her on a deeper level because she is fixated on forgiveness in has negated, minimized and invalidated my experience.   

Thanks all for your comments.

[JustKathy]

Hi Ales,

I would have to agree that you need to let this friend go. As others have said, people who haven't lived it really don't get how toxic N-parents can be. Still, a true friend would listen to you and believe you. I've had this happen before, and it's very very hard to deal with. Those of us with N-mothers have a lifelong struggle of not being believed, so whenever someone doubts us, is like pouring salt on our wounds. What your mother has done to you is so incredibly evil, having someone pressure you to forgive is just wrong. I understand how hard this must be since this is a close friend, but the last thing you need is to have someone attempting to invalidate such a serious situation.

What you said about your friend being "fixated on forgiveness" was something that completely terminated my relationship with my brother (the golden child) and his wife. In textbook form, my brother married someone just like his mother (a raging N), and N-Mother quickly learned how to manipulate her and use her against me. Shortly after I went NC with my mother, I got a lengthy email from my SIL, defending my mother. It included the sentence: "We only get one set of parents in life, and no matter what you think they did wrong in your childhood, part of being an adult is letting those things go and accepting your parents as they are." Long story short, that email was the last communication I ever had with my brother and SIL. For me, "part of being an adult" is having nightmares in my 50s about things that were done to me in my teens. I never even considered trying to defend myself to my SIL. Daughters of Ns are the victims of pure evil. It's hard enough to live day-to-day with that pain, let alone people who try to marginalize our experiences. Be it a friend, therapist, relative, whatever ... I remove them from my life. I have to.

K

[Ales2]

Thank you Kathy.  Sad to see your SIL sided with the NMother, its awful. Removing them from life is the only way.

Ive heard some horror stories now about adult children and N Parents that have really made me very aware of the malicious people out there.

Awful stuff.  People are so cruel to the people they care about and yet, the people who live in a more civilized world cant understand why we don't have world peace/harmony and cooperation in society. It starts at home and negating someones experience only perpetuates the cruelty.

[Ales2]

Another deal breaker is friends who actively encourage me to settle for less in the workplace. That's not happening either. I have certain goals,  I pursue certain avenues, high paying w/benefits. Settling for less is not an option for me.

[Twoapenny]

Another deal breaker is friends who actively encourage me to settle for less in the workplace. That's not happening either. I have certain goals,  I pursue certain avenues, high paying w/benefits. Settling for less is not an option for me.

I can really identify with this, Ales.  I have realised recently that I have 'dumbed down' a lot over the last ten years or so.  I think this has been partly as a sort of protective thing where I've just stopped myself thinking too much about things and have had to sort of numb myself out to cope with painful experiences, but I also realised that I am surrounded by negative, low achievers who have a variety of drink and drug issues.  And I'm not being critical of that, I have been all of those things myself.  But I do think in order to change it's best to keep company with people that we aspire to be like and who can encourage our hopes and dreams rather than people who think it's best to settle/not rock the boat/not take a risk and so on.  So absolutely don't settle!  Reach for the stars!

[Ales2]

Well, I am learning and being cautious with some things. This morning my NMom (via a phone conversation) wanted to drive 100 miles to visit me at my apartment or meet me at a bank (in my neighborhood) to give me a "check".

Uh no.  I told her to mail it, its just easier. She had no real response to that. But, I am aware that in the state of CA, there is a financial elder abuse downloadable PDF form for use by Financial Institutions. If I met her at a bank, and she took out money and gave it to me, probably in very dramatic fashion in front of the teller or bank manager then she returns later and claims that it was extortion or she was under duress and have them report it.

I was sensing that she was being passive aggressive to provoke me and entrap me, but I was cool as a cucumber and was prepared to just let it go.  This woman will stop at nothing to criminalize a legitimate hardship and twist a previous financial arrangement into a crime.

I will be so glad when I can move on and separate from her completely.