Cuddles are always appreciated, Lighter, thank you
The comparing myself to others is almost like self harm, I think. I know I shouldn't do it, I know it will only make me feel bad and I do avoid it most of the time but it is one of those things I tend to do when things get tough. Wanting to be rescued, I suppose, along with confirming to myself that I am a failure. Not a good mind set and one that I am working to avoid getting into too often.
The cat is funny, she thinks she's a dog! Pets are a huge comfort, I can understand why people end up with dozens of them. She is cute and cuddly when it matters; other times she's very aloof and standoffish but she seems to sense when I need comfort and gives it to me, bless her.
Skep you are right about needing me time and yes, crying does let things out, it's another thing I know is okay but still feel guilty when I do it. Shaming from childhood again; my mum used to get cross if I cried and always had something more important to do. Comfort was usually a bar of chocolate shoved in my face. There was no space to talk about it. When I cried for my dad she said he'd be in pain if he was still alive and I felt guilty for wanting him there. She never learnt to deal with it herself and so couldn't help me. Hopefully I've not passed it on to my son! I hope you got your internet and phone sorted!
Anyway - to update further - things are going much better now
We collect the keys in a week's time and will move in officially three days after that, although will start moving things in over that weekend anyway. I didn't actually see the inside of the flat until last week and I knew I would take it anyway because of where it is and just because it means I can be away from here, but I had assumed it would be quite small and poky and would need a lot of TLC to make it nice. I couldn't have been more wrong! It's a beautiful flat, very spacious and airy, incredibly light and lovely views from each window. It's not overlooked (first floor flat) and it's on a no through road so I will have privacy, which I haven't had living here as we're on a main path and everyone walks past my house to get where they need to go. My parents won't be able to do drive bys or pump my nosy neighbours for information about us
It has a beautiful garden, very big and it backs on to woodland and is surrounded by trees and bushes so again, very private. There's a paved area and the previous tenants have left behind an iron garden table and a fire pit. There are two sheds; I didn't have a chance to investigate properly but from a quick look I think one can be storage and the other can be a den for my boy
There's enough room for a disability swing and an existing swing frame already in place which has been checked and is safe and secure so I only need to buy the swing itself.
My son is happy about the move; he was apprehensive as he wasn't really sure what it would all involve but now that we've seen it and he knows there's enough space for his toys and a cat flap for the cat to get in and out he's happy. He loves the garden, is excited about the swing and thinks living near a railway line is great (he loves it when they close the gates because there's a train coming).
The removals are booked; I've had several offers of help with moving and a friend came down during the week and did an amazing job cleaning the kitchen with me; we packed pretty much everything and scrubbed it from top to bottom so it was a lot of work and so much easier when there are two of you. So all in all things are going well; I am tired but the tired you get from doing something you want to do is so different to the tired you get when you're coping with loads of unpleasant emotional stuff or difficult situations. It's a good tired, although I am looking forward to actually being in there and being able to slow down the pace a bit.
So good news all round at the moment. Thank you so much for all of the support, as always, I really do appreciate it
Will keep you posted
