What gives you your sense of self worth

[Twoapenny]

Hi everybody,

It occurred to me this morning that one of the reasons I am feeling quite flat and unfulfilled at the minute is that I've stopped trying to be a people pleaser and falling over myself to keep everybody happy.  I think, in the past, that that is how I've measured my self worth; if everybody likes me then I'm good, if they don't then I'm not.

I've worked at boundaries, as you all know, and have lost more people from my life in the process.  I know overall this is a good thing and that I needed to put boundaries in place.  I wasn't happy and felt I was being misused.  But I have found it hard to cope with not having people around - even people I didn't particularly enjoy being around any more.  I've found it hard to cope with people not wanting me once I became more authentic and the fact that I'm really not seeming to meet people who do want to be around me.  I sort of feel that now I'm not doing what other people want I'm not good enough company for people simply to want to spend time with me.

I've been trying internet dating again and I've been on a couple of dates.  I am trying to take the 'one step at a time' approach; it's been so long since I've been on a date that I just focused on the fact that I was getting through the front door and tried not to worry about anything else.  Neither date has led to another and I've talked to guys online who seem to quickly and suddenly lose interest.  Again, I'm trying not to take it personally and to be myself but I am finding the rejection of my authentic self difficult to cope with.  I suppose someone rejecting a fake version of you isn't so painful.  To give an example that I know is ridiculous but that is really bothering me at the moment is that someone on another forum I use - whom I've never met - has made something for me after I admired one of his items online (he's a craftsmen and makes beautiful furniture).  It's incredibly kind of him; he's done if for no reason other than he knew I liked it and he doesn't live too far from me so I can go and collect it.  But I'm absolutely terrified of getting there and him realising I'm a fake and I'm not worth bothering with.  I know it's so silly but I feel real dread about going over to collect it and the simple act of accepting someone else's kindness is really difficult for me, because I don't feel worthy.

I don't feel I have any sense of self worth and I wondered how others get theirs and if they have to work at it?  I am a good mum and I know that, but I think being a good mum is the least you can be when you have a child so I don't feel that makes me a particularly worthy person.  I do have some good friends, very good friends, and I'm lucky to have them and do appreciate and cherish them.  But equally I speak to them fairly infrequently for the most part and see them even less (because of distance).  So as much as I appreciate both of those things, it doesn't seem to be enough and I wondered what others do to boost their own self worth and see themselves in a good light? x

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,
Almost asleep so this'll be short...

I'm sad to understand you continue to struggle with the question you recently posed in Tips for Boosting Self Esteem -- and I feel like I only offer the same idea everywhere, just slightly restated.

To me, still, it's about compassion for yourself. Actually feeling it. Because it's only practice that can undo years of self-rejection, self-criticism.

So tapping into love and then beaming it into your own heart, over and over and over, until you actually feel (rather than think) love for yourself... I think is the answer.

I think you need to feel it, rather than think it.

The meditations are a good thing. Your finding a counselor was a great thing. And maybe focusing on how self-love would allow you to deserve a nice gift. And go collect it in happiness.. how that is okay.

Not just okay but normal. It's normal for loving acts to flow in the world.

Love to you,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp,
Almost asleep so this'll be short...

I'm sad to understand you continue to struggle with the question you recently posed in Tips for Boosting Self Esteem -- and I feel like I only offer the same idea everywhere, just slightly restated.

To me, still, it's about compassion for yourself. Actually feeling it. Because it's only practice that can undo years of self-rejection, self-criticism.

So tapping into love and then beaming it into your own heart, over and over and over, until you actually feel (rather than think) love for yourself... I think is the answer.

I think you need to feel it, rather than think it.

The meditations are a good thing. Your finding a counselor was a great thing. And maybe focusing on how self-love would allow you to deserve a nice gift. And go collect it in happiness.. how that is okay.

Not just okay but normal. It's normal for loving acts to flow in the world.

Love to you,
Hops

Thanks, Hopsie.  I think I'm struggling with the 'how'.  I'm trying to be kind to myself, look after myself, see the good things, get out there in the world and leave all the bad things behind me.  But I just seem to be feeling more numb, more lonely, more isolated and disconnected.  It seems to be making me feel worse instead of better.  I'm not really sure why.  Will think about it more during the day.  Hope you have a lovely sleep xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tupps, this can be a twisted up problem. Another form of "pretzeling".

For me (since it's so fresh in my mind from reminding myself) - my self-worth was based on how available I was to my mom, for her to continually drain me, and insist that her warped perception of me was reality. My perception of my strength was based on how much of that I could "take".

When I broke free of that household, I then spent my time "doing" for those I cared about. Replacing that relationship, in other words. "Empty nest syndrome" was a tough one for me... but it also HELPED a great deal, too... when I could face that reality head-on. Then there was Mike and caring for his Mom... both gone. A life-time of people pleasing... and in my case, seeking any form of validation (no matter how twisted) that I mattered to someone ELSE. For the things that mattered to ME, about ME.

IMO, self worth comes from an honest assessment of "who you are" - in what ways do YOU matter to YOU? Which parts do you defend against unfair criticism? What kinds of things invoke the feeling of "all is right with your world"? What won't you part with under any circumstances (as in, one of your own traits)?  What weaknesses would you identify as being "okay to tolerate", or "must do something about"? Do we always HAVE to do something about who/what we are -- to be "good enough" to be connected to others?

OR... maybe we just need to accept that those "bugs" in our psyches are really "features"... and even though it's a most improbable combination... it's what makes uniquely "us".

Imagine you are someone else. And responsible for taking care of Tupps in the best, wisest way possible. What does that consist of? What do you need to encourage yourself to do? Why, in your judgement? When Hops mentions having compassion for yourself... do you know what constitutes compassion, for what, and why? (Yes, I'm still being analytical here and not terribly emotional. Sometimes we have to persuade our brains - with it's own tactics - to step aside and get out of the way of needs to happen.)

I'm trying to make sure I understand that word, myself. 

[Meh]

Theoretically some people really are happier when they make other people happy like  personality trait for some. There was an article I read about personalities, I wish I could remember what it was. It basically said that for some personalities it's more important to get along with others than it is to be right. Also conversely it's more important to some personalities to get their own way or to prove their own point or something like that.

[Twoapenny]

Tupps, this can be a twisted up problem. Another form of "pretzeling".

For me (since it's so fresh in my mind from reminding myself) - my self-worth was based on how available I was to my mom, for her to continually drain me, and insist that her warped perception of me was reality. My perception of my strength was based on how much of that I could "take".

When I broke free of that household, I then spent my time "doing" for those I cared about. Replacing that relationship, in other words. "Empty nest syndrome" was a tough one for me... but it also HELPED a great deal, too... when I could face that reality head-on. Then there was Mike and caring for his Mom... both gone. A life-time of people pleasing... and in my case, seeking any form of validation (no matter how twisted) that I mattered to someone ELSE. For the things that mattered to ME, about ME.

IMO, self worth comes from an honest assessment of "who you are" - in what ways do YOU matter to YOU? Which parts do you defend against unfair criticism? What kinds of things invoke the feeling of "all is right with your world"? What won't you part with under any circumstances (as in, one of your own traits)?  What weaknesses would you identify as being "okay to tolerate", or "must do something about"? Do we always HAVE to do something about who/what we are -- to be "good enough" to be connected to others?

OR... maybe we just need to accept that those "bugs" in our psyches are really "features"... and even though it's a most improbable combination... it's what makes uniquely "us".

Imagine you are someone else. And responsible for taking care of Tupps in the best, wisest way possible. What does that consist of? What do you need to encourage yourself to do? Why, in your judgement? When Hops mentions having compassion for yourself... do you know what constitutes compassion, for what, and why? (Yes, I'm still being analytical here and not terribly emotional. Sometimes we have to persuade our brains - with it's own tactics - to step aside and get out of the way of needs to happen.)

I'm trying to make sure I understand that word, myself.

Skep, thank you, there's a lot in there for me to think about and ponder, I will read and re-read and give it all some thought.  The people pleasing aspect, yes, definitely, and I think that's where I'm struggling at the moment.  I've broken/given up the bad habits to a large extent but now there's just a vacuum that no-one else seems to want to step into with me so I feel very alone and I'm struggling to figure out how to bridge that gap.  I annoy myself at the moment so I find it hard to imagine other people wanting to be around me (although some do).

I think I'm struggling with the compassion element at the moment as well.  I can look at my life and list umpteen situations that I've overcome, from abuse to drink and drug problems to homelessness and lack of cash to a whole manner of difficulties relating to my son.  And I can see that's good and that I've done well but it doesn't seem to make me feel I'm worth anything to myself.  I feel like I'm just a tough cookie that's coped with a lot and I don't feel like I've achieved anything for myself; it feels more like I've just been good at dealing with situations that other people have created?

There's a lot in what you've written for me to ponder.  Thank you xx

[Twoapenny]

Theoretically some people really are happier when they make other people happy like  personality trait for some. There was an article I read about personalities, I wish I could remember what it was. It basically said that for some personalities it's more important to get along with others than it is to be right. Also conversely it's more important to some personalities to get their own way or to prove their own point or something like that.

G, that makes a lot of sense to me.  I do genuinely enjoy helping people out and I do feel good if I reach out to someone who needs it.  I can't pass a homeless person on the street without stopping to say hello, just because I know how it feels to go days at a time without any human contact and I know what a difference it can make when someone takes five minutes out of their day to make you feel alive.  It does make me feel good and I hope it does a little something for that person as well.  But I think i've taken it waaaaaay to far in the past and that's where the boundary issue has cropped up.  Equally I would rather get along with someone instead of hammering my point home (unless it's over something really important but if it's just chit chat somewhere then I wouldn't want to be the person that spoils the gathering for the sake of scoring a point).  I suppose it's a question of satisfying your personality without losing sight of yourself completely in the meantime?

How are you getting on now? xx

[Meh]

Yeah, there is some line for you somewhere that needs to be drawn. You get something out of "it", just not making yourself a doormat or whatever the case has been. You are trying to learn how to relate to people differently. Taking a different role.


I'm okay. Eating cold cantaloupe on a hot day. Seems like all I really do is eat these days. I peruse online dating profiles but I never meet any of them. 

[Twoapenny]

Yeah, there is some line for you somewhere that needs to be drawn. You get something out of "it", just not making yourself a doormat or whatever the case has been. You are trying to learn how to relate to people differently. Taking a different role.


I'm okay. Eating cold cantaloupe on a hot day. Seems like all I really do is eat these days. I peruse online dating profiles but I never meet any of them.

Eating cantaloupe sounds nice, G   The sun is out here today, for the first time for weeks, there's a thunder of lawnmowers going as everyone rushes out to cut their grass

Yes, the lines are tricky, aren't they?  I like helping people but don't want to be a doormat and equally I know a lot of people who want emotional help rather than practical - ie, they want someone to dump on, whereas I think I'd probably get more out of something if I was helping the homeless or visiting someone who doesn't have family, something like that.

I've been thinking more about how I spend my time and I still find most of my day is filled with things I don't particularly want to do, which in turn means I procrastinate a lot and feel bored and unfulfilled, which in turn again leads to comfort eating and moaning a lot   I need to think about that a bit more, I think, and see what I can do to change that.

[sKePTiKal]

There's a lot to ponder in your reply too, Tupps.

I surely haven't mastered this - and maybe it's one of those things that people never do "master". You practice it, as you know how... and you have good days, and not so good days at your practice.

I do know validation - from the simple "I see you" to praise and someone being proud of your efforts, to recognizing how/why you feel a certain way - is kind of the fertilizer that helps grow healthy self-esteem.

[Twoapenny]

There's a lot to ponder in your reply too, Tupps.

I surely haven't mastered this - and maybe it's one of those things that people never do "master". You practice it, as you know how... and you have good days, and not so good days at your practice.

I do know validation - from the simple "I see you" to praise and someone being proud of your efforts, to recognizing how/why you feel a certain way - is kind of the fertilizer that helps grow healthy self-esteem.

You're right, Skep, I do think that some of what I'm experiencing is to do with the menopause!  I do find I'm having some very black days in the fortnight before my period and the mood seems to lift as quickly as it came on; I don't have any problem with mood swings in the other two weeks of the month so I think it might be hormonal (and am trying to tackle it through diet and supplements).  I stopped drinking tea and coffee again and after I'd got past feeling terrible for a couple of weeks that seems to have helped.

I do think just 'ageing' is playing on my mind - I'm aware my body isn't as strong as it used to be and my capacity to do 'things' is lessening and I think I'm just aware that I haven't done a lot of things that I wanted to do yet.  Doesn't mean I won't ever do them but it is making me feel a bit dissatisfied, I think.

I think the lack of validation or being seen or heard is difficult for me.  I do notice a big change in how I feel if I've spent the day with a friend compared to spending several days on my own.  I think that will change over time; I do still overly focus on people who don't bother rather then people who do which I think is an old 'people pleaser' mindset that I just need to work on more.  Plus the dating has raised some 'step-dad' issues but I am hopefully seeing the new T next week for the first time, plus my son will be seeing his neurologist so hopefully that will sort out some of his health issues that I've been worrying about.

I'm pondering, adjusting, trying to be real and trying not to be 'good'.  We went shopping this afternoon, just a quick trip to get a few things we needed but it was nice to be in the sun and chatting to a few random strangers (I do find shop assistants often go out of their way to talk to my son which is lovely) but it was nice to just feel a bit free for a little while x

[Meh]

 

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, G x

I watched a short piece on YouTube this morning about boredom, which seems to be an endlessly common them throughout my life.  The only time I wasn't constantly bored was when I was at Uni.  I think the chap is some sort of yogi master  - flowing robes and long beard, but he described boredom as being a sign that you're not on the right path, you're not fulfilling yourself or your potential.  He talked about life being a constantly evolving process and about how human beings are designed to constantly change and grow and if we don't we become stuck, bored and dissatisfied.  He talked about how we need to keep learning and pushing into new things.

It rang a bell with me and I've been thinking as the morning has gone on that I still really struggle with my feelings.  I don't mean in the sense of emotions so much (although I struggle with that too) but in terms of what actually makes me feel good.  It occured to me that I've spent so much of my life creating personalities to inhabit that I still don't really know what makes me feel good.  I have images in my head of what I think will make me feel good and I endlessly write lists of things I ought to do in order to make me feel good.  Then I blame not feeling good on either the list being wrong, or someone doing something that made everything go wrong, or not doing enough of the things on the list.

When I look back over my life I can see silent child, never speaking, never interacting.  Then I can see primary school Tup, shy, quiet, bookish and even then reaching out to the kids that no-one liked and spending play times with two girls that were bullied a lot (one was from a traveller family and very overweight, the other was from a large, very religious and very poor single parent family; both were singled out and bullied constantly.  Then I discovered that I could make people laugh and became the class clown, lost interest in school work, became very conscious of fitting in and being liked (and faced many, many rejections from groups of kids who just didn't want me in their clique).

Then came the drinking and sleeping around, still a young teenager at this stage, very closed off from reality but pretending I had lots of friends.  Then drugs and that was a whole new level of getting out of it and random sexual encounters.

Then some bolt of lightening took me back to college and I became very bookish again, didn't care about my appearance, spent all my time reading and in the library (which I loved, I hasten to add).

Then tried for middle class grown up after graduating, fell pregnant due to old 'get drunk and shag anything' Tup resurfacing again and then as a single parent tried to be trendy mum, joining in with the middle classes mum, earth mother, career mother, single on benefits and I don't care mum, then forced into falsely accused of abuse and now struggling to cope with a disabled child mum.  And since all of that happened with my boy I've tried to be perfect mum, don't let anyone in mum, keep away from the authorities mum.  I've gone through spiritual phases, it's all about money phases, why bother let's have a drink phases and some quite puritianical kinds of phases as well.  No wonder I'm so exhausted all the time.

So I need to work on what pushes my buttons and feels good.  I went to the theatre last night with my friend and my son.  That felt good.  I loved being out, I loved being able to get dressed up, the show was amazing.  This morning I watched some performance poetry on YouTube and my heart literally did flip flops so that is definitely something I need to get more into.

That's as far as I got.  Sorry it's a bit rambly, just wanted to write it down here before it starts floating out of my head again.

[lighter]

I think it needed to come out, Tupp.

All of it.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I think it needed to come out, Tupp.

All of it.

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter!  I think you're right - and I think there's more to come!

I think I've been quite passive in my life and that much of what I've had to do has come from coping with situations that aren't ones that I have created (at least not consciously).  I've put a lot of energy into dealing with my life but not much at all into creating the life that I really want.  Partly, I think, because I've struggled to know what I really want and maybe as well because of not feeling good enough to want/ask for it?  I think I over complicate things a lot as well, so I often fall quite quickly when I'm trying to 'do' something because I think I just give myself too much or too many things to do and it's not attainable (or at least not quickly enough for me to keep my momentum up)  I've really struggled with making friends and having good people in my life but I'm starting to think that is because I meet people as a result of my circumstances rather than as a result of my interests or hobbies.

So - I want to be fitter and more healthy.  I am pretty healthy anyway (which is amazing considering the muck I used to put through my system when I was younger) but I had a health check with the doctor recently and everything is good.  I've started doing an exercise DVD at home and once I feel a bit more confident about doing that I think I might see if I can find a group I can join, maybe a weekly thing where people work out together.  I'll look into that some more.

I've found some forums for people who write poetry and for story tellers, and another one for keen photographers.  These are things that I love and would love to learn more about and do more myself.  I've not quite had the courage to join the forums yet!  It's on my being brave list for the weekend.  I feel that I have nothing to offer but I realise the only way I can change that is to jump in, learn as much as I can and get on with it.