What gives you your sense of self worth

[lighter]

Amazing work, Tupp.  Your T sounds amazing, and it's fulfilling to read about your process, and progress.

The sea change in outcomes you created for yourself.  The shift from protecting your mother to protecting young Tupp, and of course you protect your little sister too.  It was so satisfying to read.   I could feel empowerment and strength in your post.

(((Tupp and little sister)))
BTW, I started to write an update on this thread for you, but I keep getting sidetracked.  Apologies my friend.  I'm also trying to avoid jinxing the settlement agreement (allegedly) in the works.  I'll believe it when I see it. 

Education for me is in the healthcare field, but every plan I make is dependent on the legal stuff.  You know how the toxic N's operate... they say one thing, get you leaning in that direction, then do the opposite. 

::shrug::

I'm resigned to whatever happens...a settlement or another forced trial. Either way I'll make peace with the outcome, and know there are pros and cons to each.

My girls are doing fine.  I love DD15's new T..... truly, I do. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hops and Grits, thank you so much, yes, she is a good fit, I really like her and feel very comfortable with her.  She's direct and to the point which I really appreciate and find easy to work with.  I have felt quite tired all week but I do feel a little bit less restricted in myself?  I can't quite explain it but one example, for years now, ever since I was a kid, I've always had a list and the things I need to do are always timed in some way.  More than one therapist has said it's a control thing and it helps make me feel safe but it's not something I've been able to drop successfully (and I stopped trying because I don't think it's a terribly damaging thing to be a little bit OCD about writing things down).  This week I've just not felt the need to do it so much; I've jotted things down so that I don't forget them (shopping, for example), but I haven't felt the same need to structure the day and include everything I need and want to do in a list somewhere.  Might just be coincidence but I am hoping it's a sign of things to come

Lighter, I will keep things crossed that a settlement is reached.  I don't doubt that you can cope with another trial if you have to but it would be lovely if you didn't need to   Healthcare sounds like an amazing field to step into; I've always found the best practitioners are the ones who have been through very, very tough times and have found ways to improve their health through their need to cope with a huge amount so I don't doubt that would be an amazing thing for you to develop!

Glad that the girls are doing so well   My boy is exceeding expectations at the moment and walking a little bit further each day.  He's showing improvements in thinking for himself as well which is something we all like to be able to do, lol.

Keeping fingers crossed that future paths are smoother for you all

[sKePTiKal]

Sigh... ((((Big & Little Tupps))))...

Yup. That is a significant exercise to go through with your Self. There is treasure there. And closure... a type of letting go. And there is also a shift in relationship with your Self.

This is all really huge and really good. Results aren't seen in a drastic sudden change in your life, though. It's little things that will accumulate and grow over time, as you get to know "you" from this new place.

Oh, and the internet dating thing? I heard something in your description. A whisper of trying to force yourself into fitting into some pre-defined set norms... that generally go by "shoulds". There's probably some "wants" in there too. Sometimes it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. We humans are allowed to "wing" it with that kind of stuff and make it up as we go along. 

[Twoapenny]

Sigh... ((((Big & Little Tupps))))...

Yup. That is a significant exercise to go through with your Self. There is treasure there. And closure... a type of letting go. And there is also a shift in relationship with your Self.

This is all really huge and really good. Results aren't seen in a drastic sudden change in your life, though. It's little things that will accumulate and grow over time, as you get to know "you" from this new place.

Oh, and the internet dating thing? I heard something in your description. A whisper of trying to force yourself into fitting into some pre-defined set norms... that generally go by "shoulds". There's probably some "wants" in there too. Sometimes it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. We humans are allowed to "wing" it with that kind of stuff and make it up as we go along. 

I've abandoned the internet dating, Skep, because I've realised it doesn't 'fit' me, lol.

It has really helped me to work out what I want in a man, because that's a question I've struggled to answer over the years, probably due to spending so little time doing what I want rather than what other people want.  But the kind of guy I like is someone I would best describe as a 'hippy'.  Not the dope smoking, living in a commune sixties type hippy but someone who is loving, compassionate, self aware, who prefers to be outdoors rather than indoors, someone a little bit different and outside the system and who is more interested in people than stuff.  I've not come across anyone like that internet dating, lol, so I'm just focusing my attention on doing more of the outdoors, off the wall stuff that I like to do in the hope that someone like me turns up!

[lighter]

Tupp:

Meeting someone will likely happen when you least expect it in a way that you couldn't see coming, IME.

If you embrace your passions, maybe join some groups who DO things you love to do..... who knows?  Maybe your chances of increasing the odds for making like minded friends will surprise you.... in a good way; )

It might feel good to research the groups and activities in the area you plan to move to...... just to get a feel for possibilities, and what's available?

It's always good to read that your son is doing so well: )

Light

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

Meeting someone will likely happen when you least expect it in a way that you couldn't see coming, IME.

If you embrace your passions, maybe join some groups who DO things you love to do..... who knows?  Maybe your chances of increasing the odds for making like minded friends will surprise you.... in a good way; )

It might feel good to research the groups and activities in the area you plan to move to...... just to get a feel for possibilities, and what's available?

It's always good to read that your son is doing so well: )

Light

Yes I think you're right, Lighter, I'm really not even seeing profiles online that make me think someone might be good to get to know, I do think meeting people in 'real world' situations would be good for me, not just romantically but from a friendship point of view as well (or even just having some good company for a couple of hours, it doesn't even need to be more than that).  I do feel a change of direction is needed.  Slowly swinging into action!

I did realise today that I need to start reaching out a bit to people that I would like to get to know better instead of sitting and waiting to be picked, which is what I usually do.  I think it's a combination of perhaps not feeling good enough (as in, they won't want to know me); not having to risk being rejected and perhaps just not being used to going after what I want but feeling I ought to sit and wait for someone else to decide what I ought to do.  So that's my next mission to try and push myself out of my comfort zone a bit.

Felt a bit out of sorts over the weekend so ended up having a big de-clutter/re-organise/clean the house session.  Still a bit higgledy piggledy but slowly getting there and I have re-arranged things so that things of one type are all in the same place instead of being scattered through various rooms.  Also realised that for the first time for a very long time the level of care my son needs has reduced, as have the demands on my time with legal things, false allegations, complaints and so on.  I do feel that the last ten years or so has really just been about coping, I've not really felt there's been time to do anything else.  But I've just about got to the point now where I feel we can do school/son related stuff in the morning, I can do work/boring but necessary stuff in the afternoon and then we can have the evenings free to do whatever we fancy.  It's been a very long time since there's been a possibility of doing anything other than just grafting and getting through another day so it feels really nice.

With that in mind, and as part of my 'blitz the house' mission, I've pulled all my craft and unfinished project stuff together so that I can sit down in the evenings and do something creative/relaxing which will also make a nice change

[Twoapenny]

Second session this evening and it was really hard.  I couldn't latch on to any memories; she was asking me to go back and see myself as a little girl and to take in all the detail and I realised, after a lot of trying, that I have absolutely no idea what I looked like as a child.  There's just nothing there.

We tried going back to the memory that worked so well last week but I kept losing it and just couldn't keep it all in my mind.  The session was long and frustrating.  Driving home I had the most intense flashback of being raped; literally just a split second but for a moment it was so real again.  And for some reason something smacked me right in the face :  I'm living across the road from them.  What the F am I doing?  I suddenly can't believe I even contemplated moving here in the first place.  I feel like someone has suddenly pulled me out of four decades of fog and fuzzy thinking.

Feel exhausted, shocked, angry and sad at the same time.  Fortunately had prepared a nice meal before I went out so that is in the oven; I have a film to watch, my pyjamas are on, my son is upstairs and will be going to bed soon and I suddenly feel like I am seeing clearly for the first time in my life.

[lighter]

::Patting Tupp's hand over tea::

I'm so sorry this is painful.  It means you're doing HUGE work though, and getting the heck of the FOG has got to be better than being mired in it, IMO.

You're comforting yourself, and that's a relief to read.  Sometimes dawning our PJs, and tucking into comfort food with a movie is a moral imperative, IME.  Honestly.

::nodding::

It is.

I didn't know what exactly happened to you in regard to your SF, Tupp.  I guess you didn't want to know either. 

That rat bastard....

he's a sick twisted pervert, and it wasn't your fault.... the police shouldn't put statues of limitations on murder or child sexual abuse.

It's wrong to silence your ability to get justice.

::shaking head::

The truth is if I had to choose between healing or justice maybe I'd choose healing... for you or for myself.  I just want you to get him out of your heart, your head, your skin and your PRESENT moments so you can get on with your life.

I want the work you're doing with this T to lead to more joy, more opportunities, more exploration of things you feel passionately about.

     More freedom.

This is progress.

I guess we have to identify the muck we're stuck in so we can crawl ourselves out of the darned stuff, huh.

::sitting next to Tupp watching movie::   

I'm so sorry my friend, (((Tupp))).

You deserved to be safe, and loved, not preyed on and harmed.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

(((((((((Tupp))))))))))))

Imo, what you are doing is magnificent.

Magnificent.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I did realise today that I need to start reaching out a bit to people that I would like to get to know better instead of sitting and waiting to be picked, which is what I usually do.  I think it's a combination of perhaps not feeling good enough (as in, they won't want to know me); not having to risk being rejected and perhaps just not being used to going after what I want but feeling I ought to sit and wait for someone else to decide what I ought to do.  So that's my next mission to try and push myself out of my comfort zone a bit.

uh.... are you my long-lost twin sister? LOL. I can so relate to this; it could be describing me. I'm years into trying to figure this out now and frankly the effort just seems a little much these days, for very little reward.

As for the re-living experience... yes; sometimes that happens. Actual time-duration may be quite short but for material to work with - treasure - to get past it and start changing old reflexes... there is a LOT there. Be patient with "blank" times during sessions. There is a reason we've nailed the doors to those rooms shut, boarded them up, hung garlic in front of them and then duct-taped the whole thing before shoving that wardrobe in front of it. For me, it was easier to slip through the cracks - and slide into the memories - alone, than it was in session. I am that private despite all the blathering I do. As time wore on and I was able to describe those things in session, I did start to trust enough where I could go into those memory-spaces with my T.

Sounds like you're doing great work here... and in my experience, there are plenty of men of that description to be found in the outdoors - guiding hikes and raft/canoe trips... wildflower excursions... birdwatching... herb collecting... one must study the creatures in their natural environment and learn their habits (in my best Attenborough voice) while not startling them into fleeing.

[Twoapenny]

Thank you all so much.  I cannot tell you what it means to have this amazing place to come to, in good times and bad!  I treasure your advice, support and friendship and I can't put into words how much it helps.  Thank you to Dr G for making this possible, too.

I'm fine.  Had a bit of a rocky couple of days but I took it easy and I'm fine.  We went into town yesterday to our favourite cafe for breakfast, then walked past the shops in the sunshine and went to our favourite secondhand book shop (I love second hand books!).  It never fails to make me smile because as you walk in the door there is a life size mannequin of Riff Raff (from the Rocky Horror Show) and as the door opens he says "Hello!  And may I say, you look fabulous this evening"; it just makes me laugh every time.  There are literally thousands of books, it snakes along tiny corridors through this higgledy piggeldy building with shelves running floor to ceiling and then books in piles in boxes and on the floor, too.  It's family run and they always know exactly what they've got; anything you ask they know where to look for it and whether or not they've got it.  There's a tiny little children's section that's crammed with any kind of book you can think of and as we got there we found two mums and a dad, each with a little one scooched on their lap reading story books.  It was so lovely to see.

Anyway, back to the unpleasant stuff!  I just want to write it down while it's fresh in my mind.  Please feel free to skip past this as it might be triggering for some - sorry.

I've always felt that I've been raped but never had any actual memory of it (nothing visual).  A few years back I went through several months of physical flashbacks - feeling of being pinned down, smothered, sharp, stabbing pains in my genitals, being terrified I was going to die.  That went on for several months - didn't seem to have been triggered by anything in particular and seemed to stop of its own accord as well.  But never anything in my mind.  There are more minor things that I remember clearly and sort of fuzzy fragments - I can see him in the doorway of my bedroom, hear his footsteps on the landing and smell him so vividly, but then my bedroom itself is in a sort of fog and I get a vague feeling of terror and then everything goes again.

In a funny way I feel a sense of relief.  If I really was raped then an awful lot of other things suddenly make more sense.  I'm not sure I can put that into words properly at the moment, as it still feels quite jumbled up, but I feel a sense of relief that I've 'seen' something rather than feeling scared of it.  I'm not sure why, understanding will come at some point, I expect.  For some reason I've always felt that if I was raped that I was meek and compliant in it, but this flashback was very violent, not at all what I assumed had happened.  I was also younger than I thought - again, I'd always assumed I was sixteen, for some reason, but in this I was 13.  I can't explain how I know that as it was such a quick picture and then it was gone again but it suddenly felt like pieces in a puzzle jumped into the right places and things started to make sense.

I couldn't see what I looked like at all as a child during that last session but I can see my ten year old self quite clearly now, for some reason.  I have got some pictures of myself at around fifteen that I usually avoid looking at but I think over the weekend I will find some quiet time to take them out and perhaps use them almost like a project to write something about.  That feels a bit safer.  I spoke to my younger sister; I didn't tell her what's going on but instead said I'd been showing my son pictures of him when he was younger to show him how much he's changed and that I'd like to show him pictures of us as kids and she has got some so we'll look at those next time we get together and that might help a bit.  I just feel I'd like a sense of seeing that poor little girl.  I feel like I want to scoop her up in my arms and nuzzle her down in my shoulder and kick the living bejesus out of anyone that comes near her with anything other than love in their heart.

On a more practical note I have contacted several people that I would like to see over the summer in order to arrange getting together (being proactive).  My birthday is coming up so I'm going to arrange a nice day out with my son.  I'm working out most days, eating reasonably well and my son is going through a really good spell at the moment so all of these things are good.

Lighter, just to say I totally agree with what you said about justice versus healing.  For some reason I've never wanted either of them punished or to avenge myself (except in moments of anger) but I just wanted to get on with my life and be happy.  I do feel that I am getting there all the time.

Thank you again so much everybody for all of your kind words and thoughts.  It really means so much to me and gives me hope and comfort.  I am very blessed to have such special friends x

[lighter]

I think littleTupp will begin feeling heard, safe and protected as your journey unfolds.  Please keep sending updates..... reading about your self care rituals feels very light and hopeful to me.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I think littleTupp will begin feeling heard, safe and protected as your journey unfolds.  Please keep sending updates..... reading about your self care rituals feels very light and hopeful to me.

Lighter

Thank you, Lighter   I think the self care shows that you are moving forward, don't you think?  There was a long period of time where I would damage myself to distract from what was going on instead of looking after myself so I think it sort of ties in with learning to mother yourself and feeling you deserve to be looked after?  I do find it easier now than I used to; I have overdosed on the biscuits, I must admit, but I've eaten proper meals as well, got some some sunshine, worked out each morning and stocked up on fruit so it wasn't too bad a binge!

[lighter]

I do think consistent self care rituals speaks to your belief about being worthy or not, Tupp.

I also think that practice is necessary to get new coping strategies in place... and it doesn't happen over night.  It goes in spits and spats, and it's difficult to resist old more destructive habits when those were our GO TO habits for so many years.

We begin very well, then BAM!  Stress hits, and the new patterns can go right out the window very easily, until we've done that often enough we recognize it, and resist or make better choices.  We do that until the new habits feel more comfortable, and at some point, if we're lucky, they become habit and what becomes habit becomes pleasure, IME.

It's a process, and requires diligence as well...... sometimes we get comfortable, and it FEELS like we can handle anything, but that's not entirely true, IME. 

There are phases and patterns to these things, but having a schedule that feels right is a good thing.  KNOWING you'll work out at X time every X days, and keeping that can provide a general framework for everything in your life.... doing laundry, cooking, meal planning and shopping for same.

Sometimes when we drop the workout schedule, or any new habit we're working on, we might notice that everything goes a bit whonkey, and it;'s interesting for me to note that I'm not always going to feel OK, or great about keeping that new habit in place without fail.  Sometimes keeping on a schedule means I have to drop into bed without performing other very comfortable rituals, but I remind myself that that's just every once in a while, and I should keep that NEW habit I'm trying to perform, even if it's at the expense of some self care rituals I have down pat, kwim?

I'm either ON or I'm going to fail, I find.  Same with very healthy eating habits.  I'm either ON or I'm not, and knowing that means I KNOW I have to do certain things faithfully, or just not begin till I'm committed in order to avoid negative patterns, or feeling badly about.

If it comes down to me making deals with myself, say... about gluten, then I'm not in the proper head space to make a change, IME.

At this point I do a little dairy, and maybe a bit of sugar every once in a while but I'm ZERO gluten without fail or having to think about it.

I can live that way right now, and maybe I'll go strictly ZERO dairy and sugar (reading every label and being impeccable with choices) but right now I'm under a lot of stress, and I know I'll just make myself feel bad if I try to do more than I can manage, then FAIL.

We pick our battles, lay out future goals, and set goals we can attain in this moment in order to stay facing forward, IME.

We forgive ourselves when we regress, and we're gentle and kind when we find ourselves facing the wrong direction.  We do this bc being kind and gently talking ourselves in the other direction will get us where we need to be more quickly, IME, and keep us heading in that direction, IME.

The old unkind voices in our heads are the ones that turn us facing backwards, and it takes a while to identify them, figure out what and who they are, and you're doing that right now. 

You're doing work on several levels which is difficult at best..... I have to put lists up in my bathroom and have them as touchstones and reminders as I begin and go through my days.  They help bring me back to the path I want to be on.  They help get me off old familiar paths I don't want to be on anymore.

Hops would say it's shifting into observer mode, and she's right.  It IS that.... and it's also learning how to shift without self recrimination or blame or feeling we've failed.  Again.

We shift, forgive and begin again until we've formed new habits, pathways in our brains, and new supporting framework around them on many levels, IME.

Sometimes the NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO or REPLACE THE OLD WITH is part of the problem, but there;s the I'M NOT WORTHY piece and the I FEEL I SHOULD BE DOING THIS OTHER OLD PATTERN THING or DOING DOING DOING the old things that took me out of discomfort short term but now are creating problems for me in and of themselves.....

all need to be identified, addressed, hashed out and built upon or replaced entirely.

I heard a T say last week.... "All you need to do is change everything."  He was joking about addicts making changes, but he was also very serious about how it feels and what IT IS to change negative coping strategies for anyone.

Also, about every member of a family being involved in any pattern....

"Everyone is guilty, and it's no one's fault."

I liked that one, though I'm still tossing it around in my head.

((((Tupp)))))

Lighter

 

[Twoapenny]

Yes, habits are interesting, aren't they, and I definitely find my 'go to' now is sugar.  Getting back on top of things again, it was only for a few days but it does give me that same numb buzz that booze used to (not as strongly, obviously, but it just dampens things down a bit).

I've focused on two lists; things I need to do and things I want to do.  That's kept me on the straight and narrow a bit; I've done what's necessary day to day and then feel okay about doing something just because I fancy it.  I do feel pretty wrung out and nervy at the moment.  My son had a really bad day at the weekend and was fitting for twelve hours straight.  I had to call the paramedics, who were amazing, but there wasn't a need for him to go to hospital as he was responsive which was good.  Situations like that really highlight how alone I am; as I was dealing with that situation I'm also running through in my head what I need to do if we have to go to hospital, getting someone to feed the cat, pick us up later (or get a taxi), take some food, drink and clothes with us, etc.  It highlights how much I have to do by myself and that makes me feel very isolated.  He's okay now, though.  It was interesting because I have realised that there have been several times when I've been working on myself and his health takes a real nose-dive, which is often the reason I abandon what I'm doing.  Funny coincidence.

Have got counselling tonight and I'm interested to see how it goes; I have got a better feeling than I did last week so I'm hoping I can 'see' a bit more than I was able to before.  I have a feeling I'm going to sleep very well afterwards for some reason!