What gives you your sense of self worth

[Twoapenny]

Another quick stop in, I will update properly soon but at the moment I'm getting the van ready for its MOT and there's so much to do, lol.  But anyway, farm idea is off as there's no electric there - off grid and no internet I can cope with but no electric at all, not so much.  But some people I know are talking about taking it on so might be possible to stay for a couple of weeks in the summer or something and do a working holiday.  So back to original plan of moving one month before Christmas, still exciting!  Will update soon, thank you very much for your thoughts on this one, funny how things pop up sometimes

[lighter]

Eeek.... it actually made me a bit dizzy to read there's no electricity. 

At all.



Good to take it off the table, IMO.

I look forward to your posts about the planned November move: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lol, I know Lighter, there are many things I can cope with but no electric at all isn't one of them!  Will update soon, van has just spectacularly failed its MOT so we are without a vehicle at the moment and not too sure what's going to happen about that so things are a little bit up in the air

[lighter]

Well.... I guess that's the yearly inspection, right?  The MOT?

Did it pass last year?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Just a quick update as we've had a nightmarish week and my head is spinning.

We've had bad news about my son.  It is looking like he has quite a serious genetic disorder that, goodness only knows how, the endless slew of doctors we've seen over the last ten years have missed.  If he does have what they think he has then the outlook is not good.  He could become more and more disabled, physically and mentally, as the years go on.  They have more tests to do but the tests they have done so far are pointing in that direction so the outlook isn't great at the moment.

Apart from it obviously being a devastating possibility, it also throws all of our plans for colleges up in the air.  I had looked at colleges assuming his health would remain as it is or get better, not from a point of view of him possibly needing more and more care.  So our current choices may not be suitable, which means all plans for moving are on hold, again.  The thought of staying here another minute just feels to much to bear at the moment.  Since I've had that weird revelation at counselling that THEY LIVE ACROSS THE ROAD I have really struggled to cope.  Added to all of that our van failed the MOT quite spectacularly (Lighter, you are right, it's the yearly safety inspection so if it fails you can't drive it until the repairs have been done and it's been retested and signed off) so we are currently without transport either and I don't know when that will all be sorted out.

So - in head spinning mode at the moment - the further tests could take several more months to be completed and may or may not show what the doctors are currently thinking the problem is.  It's a lot of uncertainty and the stress of that alone is sending me through the roof.  Having to also put my escape plan on hold has crushed me; I've also had to cancel our holiday as the doctors want me to take my son straight to the hospital when he next has an episode and as there's no way of knowing when that will be I can't risk being hundreds of miles away if and when it happens.  So the things that were helping me to cope day to day are no longer in place.

At the moment the only thing I can think of is to go for a temporary move locally.  It isn't ideal, but it means we can carry on with the tests and attending the hospitals we need to without having to transfer care to another area.  We'd only be about four miles away from where we are at the moment, but it would reduce the endless reminders (although won't eradicate them completely) and we'd be on the edge of a small town.  It's a horrible town and not somewhere I want to live but it would be convenient; we could get to the shops and the library easily (walking distance) which would do us both good and cut down on petrol costs.  If we do it for six months it will at least reduce the pressure of living here and make life a bit easier on a practical level.  In six months time we should have more information about his health, which in turn means I can look at colleges from a new perspective and perhaps make different choices (although it may be the ones I was planning to look at still turn out to be the best option).  Longer term, it would also make it easier to move from this area without anyone knowing as I won't be surrounded by all the nosy gossips that I am where we live at the moment.  So perhaps it will turn out to be all for the best.  But at the moment things are very up in the air and I really don't know which way things are going to go.

Anyway - will post more news when I have it!  Hope everyone is okay x

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))), I am so terribly sorry.
What a blow.
I can't imagine how hard it is to hear your boy has yet more challenges to deal with. And you as well.

I am stunned that you are still able to think so rationally and carve out a reasonable Plan B. But you have.

Sending you all courage and comfort possible,
with lots of love,

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Hops xx

Funnily enough, it's Plan Bs that keep me going!  I'm not very good at living in the moment.  I do feel more comfortable if I have 'something' to work towards.  So I freaked out completely, frantically whirred through options in my mind and once Plan B was formulated felt much better.  Control issues, I guess!

Equally funny, we went into town this morning to do a few things.  Now bearing in mind I've just said in that last post that it's a horrible town and I don't like it, several things happened this morning that made me feel that a 'higher power' is saying "oi, this place isn't so bad".

We were at the bus stop and the guy who's fixing my van stopped, partly to give me a progress report and partly to tell me that he was telling a lady he works for about my son and how much he loves Lego and she's given him a huge box of Lego pieces - complete stranger who's never met him doing something that lovely.  We went into the library and they're advertising for volunteers to fetch books for people who are housebound and also to teach a local lady to read.  They're both things I'd love to do, not just at the minute as so much else is going on but certainly once things have settled a bit I'll look into that.

We went into the post office and the lady, again no-one we know, was lovely to my boy and chatted away to him about Minions (you know the yellow things out of Dispicable Me).  From there to the cafe where the owner was delighted to see us and made a big fuss of my son.  Various people along the way were holding doors open for us (as my son was in his wheelchair today) and finally we went back to the bus stop to come home.  Another complete stranger came up and said he'd noticed my son reading a Batman book and that he's a big Batman fan himself.  He's having a clear out and he has a load of Batman comics and he wondered if my son would like them.  How kind is that?  So I feel like someone somewhere is saying "right, come on grumpy, this place isn't so bad, the people are kind so stop moaning and get on with it".    Definitely feel better than I did when I got up!

So yes - will wait until we have the van back and then start house hunting in earnest I think.  The thought of moving out of here, albeit just a few miles down the road, makes me feel that a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.  Will keep you posted x

[lighter]

Funny, Tupp... as I read your posts I was thinking about plan Bs very much in line with your Plan Bs. 

I did think there might be a reason you spent some time in the little town you might move to.... and then your lovely post about lovely people doing lovely things.... yes: )

Open up to possibilities.  You might find new chosen family there.... or experiences that give you things you need right now.

I'm sorry to read about your son's new troubles..... doctors truly are just practicing. 

Please keep us updated, and I'll send prayers in the meantime ((Tupp and son)).

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Funny, Tupp... as I read your posts I was thinking about plan Bs very much in line with your Plan Bs. 

I did think there might be a reason you spent some time in the little town you might move to.... and then your lovely post about lovely people doing lovely things.... yes: )

Open up to possibilities.  You might find new chosen family there.... or experiences that give you things you need right now.

I'm sorry to read about your son's new troubles..... doctors truly are just practicing. 

Please keep us updated, and I'll send prayers in the meantime ((Tupp and son)).

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter.  I am really noticing now how negative my mind set is when I'm at home now and when I'm somewhere else.  I feel like their toxicity is seeping across the road and dragging me down constantly.

I am struggling at the moment; there is so much going on and I'm just so tired.  We are off to the circus tonight, though.  I do have a tendancy to work through stressful times and wear myself and I really must stop doing it.  Much better to go off and have some fun instead.  So circus tonight, hospital again tomorrow (not for too long) which means we should have the results of these tests around the end of this month.

The work on the van is almost done; she's being re-tested on Thursday so fingers crossed we'll be back on the road Friday which will really help.  I've seen a house online that looks perfect - walking distance to town, on a bus route, within our budget, small garden and a cat flap!  Lol, so the cat will be happy.  It's small but that's fine; I don't have a huge amount of stuff and we'll be able to get out and about more from there so we won't be stuck indoors as much as we are here.  So just waiting for the van to get sorted and then I'll phone and ask about a viewing.  Fingers crossed.

Was very glad to read that your legal nightmare may be over now, Lighter, fingers crossed for that, too. xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

The idea of your having to keep a small space clean is a happy thought. 

You don't need to upkeep and maintenance of a large space for you and your son..... so it sounds perfect to me too.

YES YES YES get away from the ITs across the street. 

It's time. 

Take you, and leave them behind. 

Embrace the new lovely community where you get to tell your story, and BE who you truly are without having everything muddled, and sullied, and confused by others.

I think that you're feeling dragged down, in a new way, bc you're starting to let boundaries down, and FEEl more than was safe in the past.

The discomfort might be a clear indicator it's TIME TO MAKE THIS MOVE...... how can it not be?

(((Tupp and son)))

I'm sorry you have to wait so long for your son's dx, but at least you have things in hand, and rolling.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Small is HEAVEN.
I love my little house.

Garden for kitty?
And some blooms?

Oh I like the sound of this, Tupp....

Optimistically, for everything esp. including your son,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you both

I think yes, it is very much time to move on and leave behind old friends, habits, thought patterns and everything else that is holding me back.

I've told the therapist that I might need to take a break from counselling for a while.  The health situation with my son plus a house move is enough to cope with; I think if I dredge up too much at the minute it will tip me over the edge.  Her reply was lovely; she said counselling's only a part of recovery and that moving away might do more good for young Tup than counselling will at the moment.  She also said I can phone to off load if I need to and to just let her know what I decide to do; the door's open.  It's made me want to go back!  She's fab.

I've been thinking about friendships today and how many I've had that haven't been that good for me.  I realised I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have, even though they don't know it sometimes!  For example -

The work on the van has been done and it had to be re-tested today.  This is in the town that we're going to try to move to, so we went to a cafe while the test was being done and the sister of someone I went to school with works in there.  She's so lovely, we had a really nice chat and I thought to myself this is someone that I would like to spend more time with and get to know better as a friend.  And I realised that I don't actually know how to make friends, I've always just hung out with people who've approached me and I've never been proactive about that sort of thing.  A lack of confidence, I think and a worry of being rejected.  So I'm going to try and visit the cafe a bit more regularly in future.

There's a Lego workshop next to the garage where the van was being fixed.  They do big commercial projects, life size Lego tigers, Lego aeroplanes that you can actually sit in, that sort of thing.  My son's a big Lego fan and one of the guy's that works in the garage knows the bloke that runs the Lego workshop and bless him, he spoke to him about giving my son a tour and the guy said yes so he's going to get his own Lego adventure!  He'll be so excited.  So just in the last week I've had all these nice people, none of whom know us terribly well, really go out of their way to be kind, friendly or just be nice company.  And I find myself sitting indoors fretting about people who never ring.  So I think the Universe is trying to doink me over the head and tell me to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested!  And just to hammer the message home I received a joke this evening, by text, from a 'friend' who's made no effort to keep in touch all the time my son's been ill although she lives just up the road.  It's a really inappropriate joke and I'm so worried about my son at the moment that not much is making me laugh anyway, but it really made me realise that she has no understanding of my situation and that she really doesn't know me.

So it's really definitely time to move on and make some changes.  I'm so tired at the moment the thought of doing anything at all feels too much but I am definitely going to try

[Hopalong]

I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have....

....to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested!

You got it. And what you said about fear of being rejected and feeling awkward in making overtures to people...I think it all goes together with the quotes from you above. When I feel that rejection-vulnerability I often find my critical/judgemental voice kick in. I think when I have racing thoughts about how some other person (regardless of label, "friend" or not) hasn't responded BECAUSE THEY ARE [insert critical label, from self-absorbed to N-ish if I feel really hurt, to boring, to blah and blah...]. Doesn't mean sometimes I'm never accurate or perceptive in identifying negatives about that individual, but I'm talking about the extra energy I give to that round of self-talk.

(Which I just pretend to myself is other-talk, in my head. "Don't you see, why haven't you, you must, you should, a Real Friend would...")

I think it's just social vulnerability, and my judgmental inner editor is a comfort zone. Lonely one.

Maybe you're prone to that too?

I do waaaay better when I can stop "grading" others on the various ways they've disappointed me (sure enough you can find that anywhere you go/live/move) and focus on loving and valuing myself. Not "in defiance of those inadequate/disappointing other people" but just because...it's happier. It's the healthy place to be.

As I get happier with myself, less neglectful of myself, more engaged in my own life...then I'm less dependent on approval, interest or comfort from others. I'm still human and very very aware how much I need community...but I find I am less and less confident that a stalwart web of intimate and totally loyal friends is just going to stably exist because I want it to. I think life is a lot more fragile than that.

For me, the cure is...GROUP. Community. Not fixating on individual people or individual interactions (or the lack thereof). When I let myself participate in something larger, even if it's a group meeting or an "interest group" I am happier. (Then the positive discoveries with individuals, which certainly do happen, are still wonderful...but I don't weight them down with massive expectations/rules/rigidities/fix-my-sad-life stuff.)

I still get stuck in my mind-circles at times, but we don't gotta LIVE there.

I think you're doing fabulously and urge you not to ever dump that wonderful T. Hope you'll just make it an "interval" without therapy, not a change of your new life navigation.

(Last thought: the verbs in your quotes that twanged for me are: thinking, pondering, and dwelling. Add 'em up and you've got rumination -- a major signal of depression.) So often, people don't recognize that actual thoughts, especially articulate and rationally-narrated thoughts, can be symptoms in themselves.) Lest you think I do not do this, I will sign off as:

Hops
Regent of Rumination

[lighter]

Tupp:

Reading your post.... reading about the new place... the new people, and esp the move AWAY from ITs.....

it feels very right to me.

Your T sounds very supportive, and it's a relief to know she's a phone call or text away no matter how far you travel.

Releasing the "friend" with love also seems right.... she doesn't know you, and she's not been supportive of you and your son during his illness.  It's OK to let people go at the right time for the right reasons.  You don't have to justify or explain..... you don't need anyone's approval or permission.... just your own.

You're seizing your authority over your life, Tupp. 

Yes: )

::sending you strength, energy, and courage::

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have....

....to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested!

You got it. And what you said about fear of being rejected and feeling awkward in making overtures to people...I think it all goes together with the quotes from you above. When I feel that rejection-vulnerability I often find my critical/judgemental voice kick in. I think when I have racing thoughts about how some other person (regardless of label, "friend" or not) hasn't responded BECAUSE THEY ARE [insert critical label, from self-absorbed to N-ish if I feel really hurt, to boring, to blah and blah...]. Doesn't mean sometimes I'm never accurate or perceptive in identifying negatives about that individual, but I'm talking about the extra energy I give to that round of self-talk.

(Which I just pretend to myself is other-talk, in my head. "Don't you see, why haven't you, you must, you should, a Real Friend would...")

I think it's just social vulnerability, and my judgmental inner editor is a comfort zone. Lonely one.

Maybe you're prone to that too?

I do waaaay better when I can stop "grading" others on the various ways they've disappointed me (sure enough you can find that anywhere you go/live/move) and focus on loving and valuing myself. Not "in defiance of those inadequate/disappointing other people" but just because...it's happier. It's the healthy place to be.

As I get happier with myself, less neglectful of myself, more engaged in my own life...then I'm less dependent on approval, interest or comfort from others. I'm still human and very very aware how much I need community...but I find I am less and less confident that a stalwart web of intimate and totally loyal friends is just going to stably exist because I want it to. I think life is a lot more fragile than that.

For me, the cure is...GROUP. Community. Not fixating on individual people or individual interactions (or the lack thereof). When I let myself participate in something larger, even if it's a group meeting or an "interest group" I am happier. (Then the positive discoveries with individuals, which certainly do happen, are still wonderful...but I don't weight them down with massive expectations/rules/rigidities/fix-my-sad-life stuff.)

I still get stuck in my mind-circles at times, but we don't gotta LIVE there.

I think you're doing fabulously and urge you not to ever dump that wonderful T. Hope you'll just make it an "interval" without therapy, not a change of your new life navigation.

(Last thought: the verbs in your quotes that twanged for me are: thinking, pondering, and dwelling. Add 'em up and you've got rumination -- a major signal of depression.) So often, people don't recognize that actual thoughts, especially articulate and rationally-narrated thoughts, can be symptoms in themselves.) Lest you think I do not do this, I will sign off as:

Hops
Regent of Rumination

I think what I struggle with (amongst other things) is people taking up my time and there being nothing in it for me?  And that sounds very selfish and mercenary, I know, but just this morning (which is funny given that my 'getting out of here and making new friends' thing is at the front of my mind) someone texted, asked me how I was and when I responded that I'm really struggling and really worried about my son they replied that they have two weeks holiday now and they're really excited about it.  Why ask if you don't want to acknowledge the response?  Then phoned a friend and after fifty minutes of her talking about all her problems realised I wasn't going to get a word in so ended the call.  Then a text from someone else with a long explanation of her entire week that ends with 'Hope you're both okay' - she knows we're not but doesn't even want to end the text with a question in case she gets an honest response.  I feel like none of those interactions was worth the time?

My head is all over the place at the mo and you're right Hopsie, I am depressed, but equally I don't know what to do about it?  Moving will help, I think, but the house I was interested in won't rent to me because I'm not working and at the moment there's nothing else available in that area.  We can move out of the area but if we do that we won't be able to carry on seeing the same doctors and will have to start the medical process all over again.  Anti-depressants help short term but then the side effects seem to affect me very strongly so I can't take them long term and I'm still in the same situation again.  I'm taking as much herbal/self help stuff as I can but it's not cutting it and I can feel myself sinking further and further in.

Group/community get togethers interest me a lot and are something I want to do more of but I still feel this enormous space where I feel I want close, supportive relationships, along side the community stuff I suppose?  I feel so stuck, it's like being in quick sand, the more I struggle the further I sink in some ways.