Hi Tupp:
I'm really trying hard to be aware of the decisions I'm making right now.
Not that you have to answer, but.....
What makes you happy? I mean deeply happy?
What makes anyone on this board "happy"?
And..... what if discerning the answers requires something we don't have.... yet?
What if you/we were distracted by crisis/survival when we should have been discovering needs/purpose/passion/drive?
Some families eat their own young......
or have completely different values/needs, or value the opposite of what a particular child WOULD value if they were allowed to explore, be authentic, and seek out anything that belonged to them. If they weren't busy surviving.... had ability to explore?
What if you were a swan baby born into a family of ducks? Ducks who valued nothing you would have valued had you been allowed something of your own? What if we're duck babies born into a family of swans, or frogs or foxes? Just different.
I have to assume everyone is doing their best, always, given their ability, etc, so I'm trying not to focus on blame, but trying to focus on reasons/facts surrounding a child not identifying their true path and passions. How we get to a place where we're asking ourselves what we need/want/require to be happy rather than blaming or people pleasing, etc.
Finding the equations so they can be solved, opposed to stopping at emotional reactions to the idea of them.
Maybe it's like Doc G says...... children need to be given voice to be whole?
And so we come to the place where we decide we can give that permission to ourselves, or we don't.
Maybe everyone.... here..... was denied voice and maybe the best parents can't provide it perfectly always, for whatever reason intended or otherwise, and maybe we have the chance, in the present, to give ourselves permission and voice and agency?
Maybe the coping strategies we develop are a matter of luck and chance?
What's the magical equation for discovering one's true North? Doc G, as a healthcare provider creates a safe relationship to help people feel truly known, understood and accepted, warts and all, as good enough.... he builds on that and God bless him for helping so many people, but some are lucky enough to find a good T, and some aren't. Some can heal through relationship to T, and some can't.
And.... what when we find our true North?
How do we develop the resiliency to go on if we lose true North?
Resiliency........
Deep abiding purpose that sustains us..... allows us to return to true happiness?
What if we can't find our true North? What if true North is something we feel is outside of us? What if it's inside, and we just have to wrap our minds around it, and believe it? Find a way to internalize the message, and live that truth.
What if you/we(general) need the irrational impossible approval of caregivers who will never be available, or safe? And what if you/we KNOW they can't give it, and some part of us still NEEDS it?
Irrational hope......
The death of living in the moment.
Maybe pleasure is what we settle for...... IF we don't/can't find the answers. Maybe we make good decisions only after we've exhausted all other possibilities?I've read ADDICTION AND GRACE by Gerald May several times.
What if pleasure is addiction, and grace is happiness?
We stuff the hole in our chests with what we have, and if we're lucky, learn to shift into observer mode and take stock..... if we can..... we re-group, put changes in place, and grow stronger, happier, wiser.....
happier, yes. We persevere. We strive until we move into a better space, and then we do it again, as needed.
When we know better, we do better, right?
Not always. Sometimes we hear the same information over and over, but have to hear it one more time, or in a different format, or through metaphor and maybe then it clicks. Maybe it clicks then slips back out of focus until it doesn't?
What if finding grace, for some of us, is a matter of figuring out equations written in foreign languages? I think of this as emotional dyslexia or ADD or being on the spectrum somewhere. Hampered in ways that not everyone is hampered. Old tapes running in the background, static so thick it can't be overcome without tremendous effort and sustained support.
What if it's not that at all?
What if happiness is the gift of trickery? Of self delusion? Remember Doc G's lifeboat play?
What if we can't swing sustained delusion?
What if reality is true North, and reality won't provide deep abiding meaning/purpose/happiness for everyone?
Wow this turned into a bit of a rant. Apologies.
::cracking on::
What if everything is happening exactly as it's supposed to unfold, and every child was born into circumstances of that child's choosing according to the lessons he or she chose for him or herself? That would be a relief, on one hand, wouldn't it? Well, not if you're a suffering child, it wouldn't.
What if we were distracted, or under fire and simply missed an important self discovery chapter at the age appropriate stage of development in childhood? What if most children do miss it, hence all the unsatisfying jobs, marriages, relationship turmoil that follows some of us, and ongoing journeys of self discovery in adulthood?
I can tell you this, my oldest dd16 was working with a life coach regarding choosing university and career path, and the coach asked questions I'd never thought of. Very useful questions..... THIS is one path to self discovery, IME.
Seeking Information .
90% research and 10% execution. Seeking out people with experience and tools we don't have.......
we review and keep what makes sense and discard the rest. Or not, but here we are on this forum sharing and learning from each other.
Sharing problem solving skills......
Life skills.
Managing to step around naval gazing traps of blame and shame.... of being stuck.... how to move forward?
I'm certainly learning the hard way, despite my parents attempts to teach and mostly bc my parents were young, and didn't know better in some regards. So. Young.
I get that.
Maybe it;s a matter of learning to STOP doing what we've always done, if what we've always done is keeping us from growing? Unlearning old habits.... replacing them.... SO. Hard.
Meditation. Great idea, IME, just learning to make space for something other than reacting.
Stress tends to drive us back to what we've always done..... it's a hard cycle to kick, IME. So hard to trade up coping strategies when under fire, IME.
Maybe some of us are trapped in an emotional loop..... fear, helplessness, terror, feeling at the mercy of.....
just deeply mired....
truly stuck. That's a different animal? Being stuck in terror or feeling at the mercy of? Is it? I don't honestly know... maybe it's that for everyone struggling on some level?
And, if so....
Maybe we have to experience old trauma or process old trauma in a new way..... creating a new outcome in order to get past it? Maybe we change it, re-frame it, turn it into something else in order to free ourselves from it. Maybe we parent our inner child or practice metaphor therapy or a combination of 10 healing therapies according to personal needs before we finally crack the code.
Evaluating our coping strategies, true needs and desires..... actions, thoughts and words.... shedding fear, obligation, guilt.... forgiving ourselves and others..... these are useful tools we'd do well to embrace I guess..... always. Everything evolves and changes. Developing healthy coping strategies, realistic self image not warped into something toxic by other people...... some children luckier or less so, but all developing strategies for survival, and around adults who model more or less productive coping strategies. Luck of the draw.
I remember researching spanking when my children were very young and I don't want to debate the merits, but..... it occurred to me that modeling physical violence against vulnerable people under our control was unlikely to teach my children useful problem solving skills for their futures.
Further, teaching my girls that "normal" was being hit by a man, responsible for protecting them, set off HUGE alarm bells. It wasn't any definition of discipline I could reconcile. I think how society views children is a piece of the puzzle.
Some people simply do what their parents did, and they don't ask questions, but I wasn't that person.... my parents spanked. I considered it. Didn't feel I was much harmed by it, honestly, but..... I needed to research
everything. To breast feed, co-sleep, Mother's Morning Out program or not, positive discipline, feed on a schedule, practice non violent communication, etc. Lots to think about I'd never considered
Lots my parents had never considered, and would reluctantly consider only when challenged by my parenting style, which was not theirs.
And.... one of my True Norths was parenting my girls when they were small. When I had time to research and mindfully choose routines and plan ahead for the next phase. It was a very happy time filled with serenity and ritual, and I miss it. I'm trying to come to terms with the years I've lost doing battle. What have I lost? I haven't even figured it out yet. It's a bit terrifying, honestly.
Today I spoke with dd16 and her T. Part of the topic was how things can be 2 things at once, which makes me think of some parents I know who are 100% better parents than their own parents, but...... they're also the people who don't question their parenting choices, IME. They parent from the gut, do no research, and can't, for some reason, consider they might have missed a step, or two. People who require we believe, or act like we believe, they're perfect frighten me very much, mostly bc they're usually the kind of people who need to destroy/discredit anyone who doesn't agree with them always. Personality disordered, pathological....... it's never their fault, ever, and they can point out who's fault it is without blinking an eye or giving it any thought, IME. Everyone here has experience with PD individuals.
That's one of the parts of the equation, isn't it? We're more lucky or less lucky as children. Right? Parents with zero discipline, coping skills and problem solving strategies can't teach how to do better, bc they can't do any better. Does it matter if someone modeled something better for them or not if they didn't learn? I guess it might. I sometimes think it does. My mother used to say that her gentle non spanking mother "was the perfect mother
for her."
I wanted to ask her why Grandma wouldn't have been a perfect mother for
everyone, but I didn't. I could see the shadow of doubt in her eyes as she said it.... just on the rim of questioning her own parenting choices, and at the time, how she expected me to parent my girls, which we disagreed on.
New rant direction....
If everyone can be categorized as those who blame everyone but themselves, and those who think everything's their fault.... the ones in the latter category seem to be easier to reach, IME. It's not that simple, but sometimes it feels that way, IME.
And....
if that's something of the case, how do the dynamics of those who BLAME EVERYONE ELSE effect the people who get blamed and believe everything is their fault? That's a pickle, huh. Confusing as hell. Likely these two categories make up the majority of people living in dysfunctional FOOs? Maybe?
No wonder it's so hard to figure these things out with so many voices and opinions and NEEEEEEED in the world. How can you get past what was done to you and your son, Tupp, when the people who did those things are justifying what they did with blame, and a campaign of misinformation they have no trouble sustaining with anyone who will listen?
You do what you did, Tupp.... you research the facts, believe the answers, and do what you can to protect yourself going forward. You've done that, and come so far. You've saved yourself, and now you have to figure out what comes next.
And the toxic people who afflict us will never admit to what they've done..... they can't. No choice but to withdraw, circle our wagons and ride out the storms until enough distance is achieved to allow space to heal. I think we're there, Tupp.
God help us if we need to understand why they did what they did in order to transcend it. Do we?
And then to have the legal system fail...... that's a new level of helplessness... that's being locked into a situation one likely can't get out of, and it's unfair and wrong and terrifying when the PDs engage third parties to harm us and our children.. esp when it's the people responsible for protecting/enforcing our rights, IME.
I digress...
IF we treat discomfort as the messenger it is..... shifting into observer mode long enough to get the lesson, and not ACT to escape the (what we've been calling short term) pain.....
maybe we spend more time exploring our options instead of reacting, freezing and fearing which brings up guilt and shame for not overcoming and transcending, right? There are traps on so many levels.
Poor coping strategies, toxic coping strategies, negative coping strategies..... so many ways to get to a place we don't want to be, and most of the time we're adults before we stop and evaluate these patterns......... then there's so much STUFF it's hard to see where the beginning is. Eating an elephant a bite at a time, and I digress. Again.
If we're lucky enough to identify poor coping strategies, and put new in place, then we perhaps become more proactive, less reactive, etc. We learn to get more of what we want, and less of what we don't want ideally. Simple as that, right?
Resistance creeps in.
Sometimes we just have to have faith and face the fear, IME......
The saying "What you fear will find you....."
Holy guacamole....
scary stuff, but it's true, IME.
I'll say it again, Tupp..... you deserve happiness. It's your time. There are so many things you deal with daily..... your son's health, adjusting to a new place, adjusting to the change in pressure having left toxic people behind, the self imposed pressure to find happiness and model it for your son....... how do you find time to identify old wounds and coping strategies that no longer serve and then problem solve, and put new habits in place with so much pressure and struggle fighting dragons still? You're already performing super human feats IME.....
be gentle with yourself. Be forgiving, and kind. Be the things you deserved all your life, but didn't receive. You're worthy.
What do you stand to gain if you make time to heal, as a priority, and implement positive new patterns?
Rhetorical, of course(((Tupp)). Everyone can ask themselves these questions.... I think we are asking on this forum all the time.
::nodding::
One more thought.....
There are so many ways of addressing trauma, and everyone is an individual..... maybe it's about picking and choosing what makes sense from many healing paths. I kind's think that's true.
Again, I don't know so excuse the rambling. I apparently need to put quite a lot of today's process in writing. Whew. One may say they
feel resistance to A, B or C, but maybe it's 3i5A creating the resistance. And maybe we're only aware of A, B and C, and the 3i5A isn't something we can wrap our heads around even if we can identify it?
And so IF we focus on what we want, opposed to the cause and what we want less of..... can we get where we want to be more quickly?
I hope the book you're reading is providing some comfort and answers Tupp. Please continue sharing: )
The journey continues.
Lighter
