My Long, Long Story.........I no longer Feel Alone With This

[longtire]

Well, I must be in a good place today.    The sun is shining, the sky is blue and I feel happy.  Right now, I really appreciate how much I needed those steps backward.  I needed to retrace my path all the way back to point where I diverged from the right way to be.  For me, that means at least as far back as I can remember, when I was 2-3 years old.    I had to go that far back to recover the idea that there is nothing wrong with me.  Yes, I know you've all been telling that, but I couldn't see or hear it for myself through the haze of my parents' second-hand self-denial.

The first part of this was the Core Transformation that the counselor did for me, the silver lining of that situation.  One technique of CT is going backwards through your life until you are born, experienceing yourself in that pre-born innocence and perfection.  Then going through your life forwards again, this time carrying that feeling of peace and "all is right" throughout all of your experiences.  This was really transforming for me and opened me up to further work.  However, it didn't "stick" because I had no anchor point to tie that feeling onto.  It would sort of float away unless I kept doing it (which I did).  Now that I have recovered the part of me that deliberately chose to detach to try to keep me from being rejected, I have the right place to tie these things down to.  I'm grounded now.  I'll have to keep working on it to feel completely confident.

So where I am today, I can see that my therapist was trying to get me to clear up my fuzzy boundaries over where my problems in this marriage are.  At the time it really raised my defenses and it felt like I was being attacked.  In reality, I panicked because I couldn't find my boundaries.  Plus, bin was terrified of giving up control without a responsible adult around (me now).  With nothing to tie them down, my boundaries were just drifting all over the place.    This is why I have been waffling back and forth so much.  My boundaries were getting blown with the wind.  Now I have an anchor point.  I understand there is nothing wrong with me, my feelings, etc.  Now I realize that I have no real concept or proficiency with boundaries.    Oh boy, just what I needed, more work!  

So now I know what the underlying problem in my life has been (I hope, fingers crossed).  I know that I can learn to have good boundaries, especially looking at all the things I was able to learn while having ephemeral boundaries.  Ephemeral boundaries, there's an oxymoron for you!    Can you relate?

The first thing I found that is helping with this is, well is the support I get here.    Okay, so the second thing I found which is helping me is this site:  http://www.drirene.com  Dr. Irene gets right to the point and says a lot in few words (my goal one day).  That makes it easy for me to remember and repeat her adice to myself.  Lots of good stuff here on personal responsibility for people who are or have been in an abusive relationship.

The second thing I am doing right now is reading "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  I just "happened" to have this book laying around the house, but I've never read it.  I don't even remember buying it, but I "found" it again last weekend.  Just getting started on this.

[bunny]

longtire,

That Dr. Irene site looks great.  I agree that boundaries are a huge part of the situation, including boundaries within oneself (bin, adult part) re: who gets to perform executive functions.

good work!!

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Longtire:

I'm so glad your therapist helped you and that you feel grounded and more clear with what to work on.

You just sound so much better and I'm glad.

GFN

[Stormchild]

Go Longtire GO!!!!!!!!  

It's an amazing and humbling thing to follow your thread. The guts, the honesty, the love given and received here... I'm rooting for you, too, man. I want you to win, and you know what? You already have... you know stuff, you see stuff, and you found your B.S detector and it's on (o Lord, that retreat thing)!

And I'm so glad you're here because this site is the best insurance policy I think I have ever seen in my life... against having awareness make you bitter... awareness can be painful but bitterness is optional... hmm, I should put that one in my wallet.

((longtire))

Stormchild

[Anonymous]

Such a moving story sir.  I am hurting for you and am sorry your wife put you through such misery.  She has chronic Destructive Narcissistic Pattern (DNP) behavior.  Unfortunately with these types of people, it takes years and years for their destruction to hit.  All along destroying the lives around them.  

I am a child of a DNP father.  In the past 6 months, I have come to the conclusion, the only way to deal with DNP behavoir is to be co dependent - to separate from it.  It is toxic to yourself, your marriage, and your children.  And it will never end.  It only gets worse.  I recently stood up to my father and he got so enraged, it shattered any hope of a future relationship with him.  

Hang in there, believe and stand strong that the decision you made IS a good one and will continue to bring peace to your life.

[longtire]

Well, I'm still in a good place today.  My life continues to be "eventful," though.  I went to a church men's encounter this weekend that was excellent!  I dumped a lot of crap (fear, shame, seeing myself as broken and wrong) that I have been carrying for a long, long time.  During one session, each of us spoke individually to our group leader as if he were our father.  Wow I had a lot of sadness and loss come up and I was crying like a baby!  Everyone was crying like babies! It was great. I've got a LOT more work to do with my parents, that is obvious to me now.

I believe that I've got my integrity back again.  Or maybe I've really got my integrity for the first time ever.  What do I mean by that?  Well starting about a year and a half ago, I began screaming and swearing at my wife sometimes, whether she had "done" anything at that moment or not.  More recently, I "skipped town" with a friend to help him move his parents and had my car fixed without telling her.  Granted, there were extenuating circumstances in each of these cases.  However, this is not how I want to act.  I don't want to be out of control and regret it afterwards.  I want to be able to choose my actions and words without just reacting.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror each morning.  Both getting anchored to myself and reading the "Boundaries" book are helping tremendously with this.

On the one hand, I understand that I needed to go through this and feel my anger and rage at what has happened in order to move through it and heal and grow.  It has been necessary to my life.  On the other hand, I really dislike feeling like I'm a puppet dancing on strings, even if the puppeteer isn't aware of it.  I'm motivated to get back to this point a quickly as possible.  To me, integrity is having the self-control to feel all my feelings, and then to responsibly choose the best course of action for me and the people around me.  I'm not under any illusion that I will never screw up, but I don't like saying "screw it!" either.  Reacting to someone who is reacting back is just a miserable situation for everyone.

My wife had asked me to discuss a minimum amount spent from savings that merits a mutual discussion beforehand.  I told her at the time that I needed some time to think about it and to check back with me tomorrow.  Well, several days went by and I brought it up to her again.  She said she was waiting for me to bring it up to her.  OK, so I said that I had thought about it and I see it differently from her question.  I said that I think savings should be for medical expenses and repairs only.  For example, doctor visits, surgery, car repairs, house repairs, etc.  As I mentioned car repairs, she interrupted and asked, "So your car was an emergency?"  I said "No," and continued right on.  I didn't take the bait this time, yess!  (We had already had the conversation where I said I didn't check with her because she was not available and also because we did not have any agreement to do so.)  I finished by saying, "so I think ANY amount should be discussed when its not an emergency, but never hold things up in a crisis."  She ended up agreeing with me on both points.

This is one example I told my therapist about today for concrete experiences of communication problems between us.  He told me that he thought my judgement in this is probably not right, according to the "hundred man" rule.  Ask 100 people and look at the distribution of answers.  If you're answer matches the middle of the pack, you are probably not reacting out of your own experience or past.  If you lie on the extremes, chances are you are reacting more from your past than the actual event.  I asked him whether he was trying to tell me that he thought I was reacting out of my past (previous judgement), rather than having a reasonable reaction to what I perceived as a provocation.  He said Yes, that's exactly what he thought.  He also said that based on that one incident, he didn't think that many people would see it as a big deal, or anything worth getting upset over.  I agree with that statement, but this is covert verbal abuse I'm talking about, not physical abuse.  I wouldn't expect that people who only see my wife's "front" to understand.  I said "Ok, well let's keep going."  I've got a million more!

At the end of the session, he praised me for doing much better this week on being anchored and concrete with describing my experience.  He asked how I was doing with it this week since had I told him about having trouble after the last session.  I told him that I was OK and still felt anchored this week.  Oh yeah, we also spent a little bit of time discussing whether I felt like he was criticizing *me* when he told me that he thought my judgement was not based on the current event, but my past.  I told him, "No, I'm confident in my feelings and experiences now."  In other words I differentiate between *me* and my experience, which I DIDN'T do well at last week.

On the one hand, I can see how my judgement of my wife's interruption DID take into account my past with my wife.  Maybe my wife meant that in a loving way this time. On the other hand, why would I throw out my previous experience with my wife and pretend that I don't see patterns when I do "judge" that there is a pattern going on?  I'm sure his point is that I'm relying more on past experience than being open to all interpretations every time a similar thing happens.  However, I have not had the opportunity to openly and honestly discuss it with my wife.  I feel like I trust my judgement in this more than "pretending" to not see a pattern that my wife will not discuss and avoids.

I am curious (but not dependent ) to hear your reactions to this.  Have you had a similar experience with someone (therapist or not) telling you that they think you are "overreacting" or reacting to the past rather than what is going on right now?  "Well that one thing didn't seem like a big deal to me" kind of thing?

[Anonymous]

On the other hand, I really dislike feeling like I'm a puppet dancing on strings, even if the puppeteer isn't aware of it.  I'm motivated to get back to this point a quickly as possible.  To me, integrity is having the self-control to feel all my feelings, and then to responsibly choose the best course of action for me and the people around me.  I'm not under any illusion that I will never screw up, but I don't like saying "screw it!" either.  Reacting to someone who is reacting back is just a miserable situation for everyone.

You sound mature and reasonable.

I said that I think savings should be for medical expenses and repairs only.  For example, doctor visits, surgery, car repairs, house repairs, etc.  As I mentioned car repairs, she interrupted and asked, "So your car was an emergency?"  I said "No," and continued right on.  I didn't take the bait this time, yess! ... She ended up agreeing with me on both points.

Your not taking the bait probably allowed her to hold it together. If you'd reacted, she would have gone psycho. She had started heading down the psycho road, so to speak, and you prevented it. [Good.] I think your wife was afraid you were going to lecture, scold her, or something, and she started going nuts. Even though she said something sarcastic and lucid, she was no longer rational. You did the right thing, longtire.

If you lie on the extremes, chances are you are reacting more from your past than the actual event.  I asked him whether he was trying to tell me that he thought I was reacting out of my past (previous judgement), rather than having a reasonable reaction to what I perceived as a provocation.  He said Yes, that's exactly what he thought.

Hm. I think it was a reaction to your past (including your childhood) *and* you felt provoked by her snitty comment. Spouses often provoke each other's triggers from the past. They are masters at it.

Maybe my wife meant that in a loving way this time.

No. She was fighting for survival at that moment.

I'm sure his point is that I'm relying more on past experience than being open to all interpretations every time a similar thing happens.  However, I have not had the opportunity to openly and honestly discuss it with my wife.  I feel like I trust my judgement in this more than "pretending" to not see a pattern that my wife will not discuss and avoids.

(1) I'm not sure that's his point. He may think you are reacting powerfully to triggers from the long-ago past. Not necessarily the marital past but childhood. (2) I don't think you need to put every possible interpretation on your wife's behavior. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that she is volatile and impulsive. That her grasp on reality is tenuous and she doesn't remember a lot of things. (3) Do not discuss any of this with your wife unless you have an excellent marital therapist in the room.

Have you had a similar experience with someone (therapist or not) telling you that they think you are "overreacting" or reacting to the past rather than what is going on right now?  "Well that one thing didn't seem like a big deal to me" kind of thing?

YES. Two separate therapists pointed out my overreactions to my H. I believe the word "distortion" was used a few times.  I was furious with the therapists for being so heartless as to tell me. I felt totally criticized and sided against. However after some thought, I agreed with them. I also worked on the problem.  In the case you just described, you did NOT overreact to her because you didn't take the bait! Maybe you reacted to her internally but not via your behavior. That's a big difference.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Longtire,
Again, as a 'virgin' where therapy is concerned I may not know my arse from a hole in the ground as we used to say in the Air Force, BUT,

He told me that he thought my judgement in this is probably not right, according to the "hundred man" rule. Ask 100 people and look at the distribution of answers. If you're answer matches the middle of the pack, you are probably not reacting out of your own experience or past. If you lie on the extremes, chances are you are reacting more from your past than the actual event.

Don't you first need to get 100 people who have been manipulated and abused by a head case for twenty years before you can establish the median and the extremes? This seems like saying our reaction to someone accidentally dropping a hammer on our pinky toe once should be the same as someone intentionally hitting us for the 500th time on the pinky toe with a hammer. Am I missing a fine therapeutic point?

Anyway, you sound very strong and confident this week. If it was your therapist, more power to him.

mudpup

[longtire]

I'm sure his point is that I'm relying more on past experience than being open to all interpretations every time a similar thing happens.  However, I have not had the opportunity to openly and honestly discuss it with my wife.  I feel like I trust my judgement in this more than "pretending" to not see a pattern that my wife will not discuss and avoids.

(1) I'm not sure that's his point. He may think you are reacting powerfully to triggers from the long-ago past. Not necessarily the marital past but childhood. (2) I don't think you need to put every possible interpretation on your wife's behavior. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that she is volatile and impulsive. That her grasp on reality is tenuous and she doesn't remember a lot of things. (3) Do not discuss any of this with your wife unless you have an excellent marital therapist in the room.

bunny, I get #3 here!  I'm just starting to really be able to keep myself in check when something goes "wrong."  I'm not practiced enough yet to go looking for trouble.  

Have you had a similar experience with someone (therapist or not) telling you that they think you are "overreacting" or reacting to the past rather than what is going on right now?  "Well that one thing didn't seem like a big deal to me" kind of thing?

YES. Two separate therapists pointed out my overreactions to my H. I believe the word "distortion" was used a few times.  I was furious with the therapists for being so heartless as to tell me. I felt totally criticized and sided against. However after some thought, I agreed with them. I also worked on the problem.  In the case you just described, you did NOT overreact to her because you didn't take the bait! Maybe you reacted to her internally but not via your behavior. That's a big difference.

Yes, I responded this time instead of reacting.  Big difference.  It really helps give me more confidence.  Also, I'm very curious.  How did you work on the problem, and what kinds of things did you think about?  I'm reading the boundary book and pursuing my long lost integrity for now.

He told me that he thought my judgement in this is probably not right, according to the "hundred man" rule. Ask 100 people and look at the distribution of answers. If you're answer matches the middle of the pack, you are probably not reacting out of your own experience or past. If you lie on the extremes, chances are you are reacting more from your past than the actual event.

Don't you first need to get 100 people who have been manipulated and abused by a head case for twenty years before you can establish the median and the extremes? This seems like saying our reaction to someone accidentally dropping a hammer on our pinky toe once should be the same as someone intentionally hitting us for the 500th time on the pinky toe with a hammer. Am I missing a fine therapeutic point?

Well, I can see his point.  At the same time, I can see how easy it could be to misuse this concept.  Also, I think his point was that if you have 100 people see and hear the events you did, not just 100 random people off the street.  Now that I think about it some more, I'm pretty resistant to being held to a "popular" standard.  As an INTJ, and HSP, and just as my own person, I don't fit the popular mold.  I think part of my reaction to this is to try to figure out how I can still be me while fitting in enough.  When I describe my experiences here others seem to respond similarly (or more violently ) than me.  Maybe that's because most of us share a background with these kind of relationships?

[Stormchild Guesting]

Don't you first need to get 100 people who have been manipulated and abused by a head case for twenty years before you can establish the median and the extremes? This seems like saying our reaction to someone accidentally dropping a hammer on our pinky toe once should be the same as someone intentionally hitting us for the 500th time on the pinky toe with a hammer. Am I missing a fine therapeutic point?

GO MUDPUP!

YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

We need an emoticon for jumping up and down & waving your arms in the air.

[bunny]

I'm pretty resistant to being held to a "popular" standard.  As an INTJ, and HSP, and just as my own person, I don't fit the popular mold.  I think part of my reaction to this is to try to figure out how I can still be me while fitting in enough.  When I describe my experiences here others seem to respond similarly (or more violently ) than me.  Maybe that's because most of us share a background with these kind of relationships?

Possibly your therapist used a clunky example when he could have just said, "I think you're reacting to something else, don't you?" Instead he made it sound like it's better to be part of a herd. Not an appealing idea.

IMO our internal distortions and overreactions are not a big problem if we think before acting. It's not pathological to have strong reactions to earlier triggers. The problem comes when we impulsively take action on the feelings (take the bait). That's what the therapists were telling me. It was my behavior they focused on. Not whether I "felt" too strongly about something. Their attitude was, change your destructive behavior and the dynamic in the relationship will improve. In your situation, the more obvious destructive behavior is on your wife's side and she needs to work on it (if she can manage it). You are working on your side of it.


bunny

[sleepyhead]

Great to hear that you are doing so well in therapy!

He told me that he thought my judgement in this is probably not right, according to the "hundred man" rule.

Well, he doesn't know your wife as well as you do though, didn't get to hear the tone of her voice or see the way she was looking at you. But note the "probably" in the quote above, says a lot when we notice it, doesn't it? Sure, a lot of us here has a tendency to overreact, but I believe, like you, that it is a stage we have to go through.
 

She ended up agreeing with me on both points.

She doesn't know howto react when you don't take her bait. She is starting to fear that you will actually leave, and is going along with your terms b/c she is scared.
Anyway you seem to be moving ahead at rocket speed, and I'm so happy for you. Keep up the good work, take care of bin, and don't let your wife get you down!

[longtire]

Ugh, rough night tonight.  Actually, was good most of the day.  Had dinner with my daughter and we talked about her boyfriend issues.  She is one smart, together girl!  Then we watched "5 People You Meet in Heaven."  Excellent movie, but left me feeling sad, lonely, and melancholy.    My wife got home partway through the movie and then went to bed shortly after it ended.  We talked a bit about our current therapy costs to make sure no problems or misunderstandings.  We also talked about getting an excercise bike from savings, if moeny allows, my idea.

OK, so let me back up and tell you more about the last few days.  After the church encounter, I was able to shed a lot of negative stuff, negative self-image, fear, shame.  I talked with my daughter and basically told her that I love her and asked her what I could do to help show her and meet her needs from her father.  She said "hugs" so we have been doing that more.  I love her very much.  

The next day, after I had a chance to collect my thoughts, I talked with my wife.  I told her that I was sorry about bringing my family sexual issues (parents conceived me before marriage too) to our marriage, getting her pregnant and helping to start our marriage off on the wrong foot instead of good footing.  I told her that I wanted to heal that and not continue to have this as a problem between us.  I told her about my experience and my growing faith and she thanked me for telling her.  Then she opened up some and told me that she is concentrating on finding God as well through the counselor.  She is trying to shed all those critical, demanding external voices like her mom and old preachers and find a personal relationship with God.  I didn't push and we pretty much left it at that.  It was actually a good conversation with almost no defensiveness from either of us.

So tonight, I checked up on my wife's internet usage.  Yes, I know BAD idea.  Yes, very codependent.  Yes, I know I deserve what I get.    She has been looking into houses and moving and a lot of stuff like that recently and curiousity got the better of me to go check.  Well, no houses or the like.  She has been doing a lot of searches on sex images over the past couple of days (since we had that talk).  I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.  A lot of stuff on oral sex for both men and women and a lot of basic "what is sex?" stuff.  Other things like cuddling, intimacy, etc.  This could be good because the counselor has been suggesting for some time that she get more comfortable with her body and with sex.  I'm not sure that I would hope that this has anything to do with our talk the other day, but there's always a possibility.

It could be bad because she hasn't hinted anything about it to me.  The other bad point is that she was looking up the address and phone for a guy she has worked with in the past.  He's young and hunky, and all the women want him.  She does often get together with people from work, so that's not unheard of.  Still, Bleagh!  Yes, I know if she were to go to him, it means that it is over and I can move on.  I have no proof of anything wrong, but I know that we DON'T have anything approaching a stable, close relationship right now.

I hate being codependent.  I hate not being able to just talk with my wife openly and honestly without her acting out.  I hate being completely in the dark as far as she's concerned.  I know I can leave this relationship at any time if I decide it is not healthy for me.  I'm not shutting off these rejected, excluded, lonely feelings I am haveing HUGELY right now.  I am feeling them fully and trying to give them as much room as possible.  For me this marriage is still important and a priority until proven otherwise.  For my own integrity and ability to look myself in the mirror, I am going to pursue this to the end, whatever that may be.  If it doesn't work out because my wife is not able to commit to staying and growing, that there's nothing I can do but leave.  If she is able to commit then all the better.  Either way, I'm doing what I believe is best for me right now.

I can practically hear bunny cringing right now, or maybe that's some others of you.  Yes, I might be making a mistake, the same one I always make.  Yes, this may just be a bounce and I'll feel the opposite again next week.  I believe this is what I want right now, awful feelings and all.  I choose this course, fully aware of what might happen.  I am actually living my life and taking risks.  That's good, even though I feel crappy dealing with all these feelings right now.     Besides, I have to start living up to my daughter's example and do as I tell her to do, which she does.

After writing all this, I feel a bit better and more focused again.  I plan to ask my wife tomorrow if there is any other kind of interaction that she feels comfortable with right now.  If not, no pressure.  If so, then I'll know.  Either way, I'll know.

In the meantime, I'm still working on my stuff.  I have been reading on "cognitive distortion" and "cognitive readjustment" on the internet, in addition to the boundaries book.  I think I'm starting to get a glimmer of understanding.  Baby steps every day....

[Portia]

Hi Longtire, some brief thoughts as I read you:

getting her pregnant

it takes two, she got pregnant, she takes half the responsibility.

I checked up on my wife's internet usage. Yes, I know BAD idea.

Um not necessarily. If someone can’t/won’t talk to you, then get information however you can. That’s practical. You have to deal with what you find. But would you rather have ignorance is bliss? Not me.

I hate being codependent. I hate not being able to just talk with my wife

Those two things aren’t necessarily related. In fact I don’t think they are, with you. I don’t think you are codependent. I think you’ve been doing the work of both people in this marriage. That’s not co-dep is it? That's taking too much responsibility for things which you're not responsible for. I think.

I can practically hear bunny cringing right now, or maybe that's some others of you.

‘twas me sir, just then. Probably bunny and others too!

I plan to ask my wife tomorrow if there is any other kind of interaction that she feels comfortable with right now

Hope she doesn’t say yes, but with that hunky guy  (hope you smiled).

If not, no pressure. If so, then I'll know. Either way, I'll know.

 Will you really? You know, given your ‘evidence’ here, I’d be thinking about maybe having a PD follow her.  Okay that sounds OTT. But I might.   In divorce your daughter comes first, to the courts. Who would your daughter want to live with? If your wife is thinking of having an affair – leaving you before you leave her kind of thing – you don’t have to watch it happen without doing something. Sorry Longtire I’m being very harsh and cold here but she makes me feel like that. I want to protect you from your own goodness! – because other people can be downright cruel in their self-destructiveness. Take care and I’m so glad you don’t feel so alone with this. hug P

[longtire]

getting her pregnant

it takes two, she got pregnant, she takes half the responsibility.

Yes, from what she's told me, she was acquiescing to sexual activity to "keep" me around, at least until we got married.

I checked up on my wife's internet usage. Yes, I know BAD idea.

Um not necessarily. If someone can’t/won’t talk to you, then get information however you can. That’s practical. You have to deal with what you find. But would you rather have ignorance is bliss? Not me.

It's the dealing with what I find that is tough.  It would be much easier to simply sit down and talk about it in my opinion.

I hate being codependent. I hate not being able to just talk with my wife

Those two things aren’t necessarily related. In fact I don’t think they are, with you. I don’t think you are codependent. I think you’ve been doing the work of both people in this marriage. That’s not co-dep is it? That's taking too much responsibility for things which you're not responsible for. I think.

What you describe is pretty much the definition of co-dependency.  Taking on responsibility for stuff that isn't mine in order to control the realtionship and maintain it or keep it "safe."

I plan to ask my wife tomorrow if there is any other kind of interaction that she feels comfortable with right now

Hope she doesn’t say yes, but with that hunky guy  (hope you smiled).

I get it.  I'd like to know where things stand for sure.  That would take a lot of uncertainty out of the situation.  For now, I am tolerating the uncertainty and working on my own reactions.

If not, no pressure. If so, then I'll know. Either way, I'll know.

 Will you really? You know, given your ‘evidence’ here, I’d be thinking about maybe having a PD follow her.  Okay that sounds OTT. But I might.   In divorce your daughter comes first, to the courts. Who would your daughter want to live with? If your wife is thinking of having an affair – leaving you before you leave her kind of thing – you don’t have to watch it happen without doing something. Sorry Longtire I’m being very harsh and cold here but she makes me feel like that. I want to protect you from your own goodness! – because other people can be downright cruel in their self-destructiveness. Take care and I’m so glad you don’t feel so alone with this. hug P

Portia, Thanks for the hug.  It always helps.  Hiring someone to do some checking is not a new idea, 've thought about it already.  So far, I have NO reason to believe anything is actually happening, just my fear that it might.  Rationally, I believe that my wife is hyposexual, or sexual anorexic.  The real fear I have is that she will act out to "prove" that is not the case by having a sexual relationship with someone else in a control mentality.  That is my stuff to deal with.  I'm not jumping to conclusions here, but want to ackowledge my feelings and fears about the situation.